Broken Scars

by J. M. Walker

  “Hi.” He held his arms out.

  I laughed, running into them. “How are you?”

  “Good.” He hugged me back. “How are you?”

  “Good too.”

  “How are things going with your man?”

  I grimaced, pulling away from him. “It’s over. He’s married.”

  “Holy shit.” Toby’s eyes widened. “Really?”

  “Yeah. But I did meet someone new.” I smiled up at him. “But I’m taking it slow.” Especially after the whole Killian ordeal.

  “You deserve happiness, but I don’t think you should jump into a relationship so soon.” Toby cupped my shoulders, leaning down until he was eye level with me.

  “I just met him, Toby.” I patted his hand. “I’m not jumping into anything at the moment.”

  “Good.” Toby released me and held out his arm. “Tell me about the new guy.”

  “His name is Lucas,” I said, linking my arm in Toby’s. “He’s a tattoo artist but that’s all I know right now.”

  “Interesting.” Toby scratched his chin. “He’s nice I take it?”

  “He seems to be. So far anyway.”

  “Good.” He smiled down at me. “But just be careful.”

  “Always.” Toby knew my history with relationships. “I only just met him and I’m not sure if I can trust him yet but…” I shrugged. “You never know.”

  “Exactly. And trust takes time. You can’t know that as soon as you meet someone.”

  “Oh good.” I laughed. “I was starting to think something was wrong with me.”

  He grinned, shaking his head. “Not at all.” We continued walking the rest of the way to Saint Charles Church when he continued, “It took me a long time to trust anyone.”

  “Really? You?”

  His cheeks reddened. “Yes. Oh, Sandra can’t make it tonight.”

  “Is everything alright?” Sandra was his wife and never missed a meeting.

  “She has the flu and it’s knocked her on her ass. I was going to stay home with her, but she kicked me out. She doesn’t want me to get sick either.” He released my arm and waved at a passing couple. “But she’s on the mend. Slowly of course. But back to my point. It took me a long time to trust her. I had been fucked over by many women, so trust wasn’t the first thing I thought of when I met my wife.”

  “How long did it take you?” I asked, passing him a glance.

  “A while. Maybe a year or so. But everyone is different.”

  I nodded. “True. Well, give Sandra my best.” It explained why I only trusted my grandmother these days. Men only wanted one thing and I was sure that Lucas wasn’t any different. Although, at this point, neither was I.

  “Ready?” Toby asked once we stood outside the church.

  “Always.” I gave him a small smile and followed him into the old building.

  ***

  “Hi, my name’s Toby and I’m an alcoholic.”

  My heart gave a start. Every damn time someone got up to the front and stood at that wooden podium, anxiety rushed through me. I feared they had a bad week or a slip up. I always prayed they didn’t fall off the wagon, but it happened more often than not.

  “My wife is usually here with me, but she has the flu.” Toby paused, running a hand through his short blond hair. He pulled at his hoodie and rubbed his neck again. “I almost had a moment this week. Or I did have a moment actually, but I didn’t drink. I wanted to. God, I wanted to, but my wife talked me off the ledge. I had a bad day at work. It’s not an excuse, I know that, but it’s what happened.”

  I got it. Living day to day with this disease was difficult all on its own. Add the stress of everyday activities in and it made it worse.

  While Toby shared his past week with everyone, my phone buzzed in my hand. Glancing around me, I made sure no one heard and discreetly checked it.

  Unknown Number: Looks like I found you this time, Lily Pad.

  My face broke out into a grin.

  Me: What if I said this wasn’t Lily and some stranger instead?

  I programmed Lucas’s number in my phone. I would have fist pumped the air if I wasn’t surrounded by people.

  Lucas: Send me a picture and I’ll be the judge of that.

  I bit my bottom lip to keep from laughing.

  Me: I’m not alone.

  Lucas: Oh? Working?

  Me: No. Meeting.

  My thumb hovered over the send button. Could I tell him that I went to meetings? I deleted the message and responded with…

  Me: No. Just out.

  I knew he would have questions after that, but I felt it was a conversation that needed to be said in person and not through texting.

  Lucas: I’ll let you be then.

  Me: No, you’re fine. You’re keeping me entertained.

  Lucas: Bored?

  Me: Something like that.

  Lucas: You going to stop by tomorrow, making it three days in a row?

  Me: Maybe.

  Lucas: My next appointment just walked in. I’ll see you tomorrow, Lily Pad.

  My heart jumped to my throat that he expected me. Looks like I was making it three days in a row.

  Me: Have a good night, Lucas.

  I put my phone away and thankfully so because Toby was just finishing up his share. Everyone clapped, his face turned red like always while he walked off the stage and came toward me.

  “You know, no matter how many shares I do, it never gets easier.” He sat down beside me, crossing his arms under his chest.

  I laughed, patting his arm gently. “You did fine. Everyone gets nervous.”

  He grunted and turned to me. “You going to share something?”

  I shook my head. “Not this time.”

  After everyone else went through their shares and personal stories, Toby and I were standing at the cookie station. I poured myself a cup of coffee and took a sip of the heavenly bliss.

  “Apparently the meeting on Friday is being moved to the shelter a few blocks from here,” Toby explained. “They want to do some work and modernize this place to bring more people in.” He excused himself and went back to the front of the room. “All are welcome to attend the two meetings a week at the new place. They’ve extended the meetings at this location for all days of the week to accommodate the additional members.”

  “You think that would help?” I asked him when he rejoined me.

  He shrugged. “Maybe not but I don’t think they’re worried about getting more addicts here. They want more people for the church service.”

  “Ah. Makes sense I guess.” I wasn’t a churchgoer, but my grandmother used to be. She taught me everything she knew and had me learn by myself as well. She wasn’t overly religious but looked for the best in people. I was thankful for that knowing the hell I had put her through.

  “Well, I should get home to Sandra. See how she’s feeling.”

  I gave Toby a hug. “Give her my best and I hope to see her at the next meeting.”

  “Definitely.” Toby gave me one of his big smiles that was all teeth and waved to others as he walked out.

  I laughed lightly to myself. He was such a good guy. Both he and his wife were two of my favorite people. And my grandma liked them which meant even more to me.

  “Hey, Lily.”

  I waved at my name being called, made small talk, and left the church basement. I wasn’t one to usually stick around. I helped clean up every now and again, but I found most nights, I just wanted to listen to everyone share their stories and leave. Quick and easy but a lot of people didn’t want that. They wanted to talk. And we did. We talked a lot. But sometimes, I didn’t want that. And I also wanted to talk to someone who didn’t know about my addiction.

  I instantly thought of Lucas. He would probably run away screaming if he knew about my past. Whatever. I didn’t live my life for others. Especially a man. Even if he was a beautiful dangerous man at that.

  “Lily.”

  I stiffened, my stomach twisting at the deep
voice coming from behind me. I continued walking.

  “I know you heard me.”

  I slowly turned around. “What do you want, Killian?”

  His clothes were disheveled, his normally styled hair, unkempt and messy. “I want to explain about my wife.”

  “There’s nothing to explain, Killian. We’re over. I don’t know how many times I have to tell you that.”

  “But you need to hear me out.” His voice shook. “I need—”

  “Listen,” I said, my voice firm. “We are over. There is nothing to talk about.”

  Killian’s back stiffened. “I noticed you’ve been hanging out at Crane’s Ink. Are you getting a tattoo?”

  “That’s none of your business.”

  “Then what are you doing there?”

  I hung out there twice but that still wasn’t any of his business. I raised an eyebrow. “Are you stalking me now?”

  “No but you should know that Lucas isn’t into women like you think. You’re going to get hurt.”

  “Our relationship is over. I don’t need to explain myself to you.” I spun on my heel and went to walk away when his next words stopped me.

  “I looked him up and he’s not the man for you, Lily. You deserve so much better. Someone good and pure.”

  I frowned and kept on walking, thankful that Killian didn’t follow me. Lucas wasn’t into women like I thought? What the hell did that even mean? I know I affected him when I teased him earlier. I could feel how hard he was, so he was definitely into women no matter what Killian said. So, either he was lying, or he was jealous. Or maybe it was something else altogether.

  I continued walking the next few blocks, lost in my head, when I noticed a light in the distance.

  Crane’s Ink.

  Mustering up the courage, I picked up the pace. I know I said I’d see him tomorrow. Would it be too soon to see him again? Would it make me look desperate? Maybe we could have coffee again, or go somewhere to eat. My stomach rumbled at the thought of food.

  Once I reached the door to his shop, I pushed it open and saw him tattooing the neck of a large man. His good eye caught mine. He nodded once and went back to what he was working on.

  “How many more sessions do you think this will take?” the large man sitting on the bed asked.

  “Probably one more. Just need to touch up the color once this heals and then you’ll be good to go.”

  “Good.”

  I walked around the room, taking in the hand-drawn images on the walls. I came across one I hadn’t seen the couple of times I had been at the shop. It was a bouquet of lilies and it was absolutely stunning.

  “That’s new.”

  I jumped, finding Lucas standing right behind me. “I didn’t hear you.”

  “Sorry.” He gave me a small smirk. “I cleared my throat, but you were in your head.”

  I glanced around the shop, noticing that we were alone. I looked back up at the image. “It’s beautiful.”

  “Thank you.” Lucas came up to my side, crossing his thick arms under his chest. “I don’t draw a lot of flowers but I’m always proud of how they turn out when I do.”

  “You’re really talented. I can only draw stick figures.” I laughed.

  Lucas chuckled with me. “It’s definitely a gift I try to put to good use.”

  “How so?”

  He left my side and cleaned up the tattoo station he had been using when I arrived.

  “Lucas?” I turned, the air around us suddenly becoming thick with tension.

  “Once a month, I have a free-for-all I guess you could call it. People with scars can come and I’ll tattoo them for free to try and cover them.” Lucas met my gaze. “I’ve been doing it ever since I opened Crane’s Ink. You would know that if you dug a little deeper.”

  “I would have found that out, but someone interrupted my search,” I threw back at him.

  A sly smirk spread on his face. “Is that so? So if I wouldn’t have caught you, you would have kept going?”

  I snorted. “Trust me, Lucas. I don’t consider myself a hacker. I get bored sometimes and taught myself how to do basic shit, but I can’t create my own firewalls.”

  “Right, Lily. You must take me for a stupid man.” He shook his head.

  “I don’t give a shit if you believe me or not.” I didn’t know him; therefore, I didn’t trust him. I knew shit. A lot of shit. But he didn’t need to know that.

  “Well, Lily Pad. Looks like we’ve hit a crossroad.”

  “Oh?” I raised an eyebrow. “That’s unfortunate.”

  A laugh boomed through him.

  I couldn’t help but laugh with him. I turned back to the drawings hanging on the wall, wondering if he could cover my scars.

  “Have you ever not been able to cover scars?” I asked, wondering what it would feel like to have his hands on my body.

  “I have to use a special kind of ink but yes, sometimes the skin is too sensitive. Or it can be too thick or even too thin and I can’t tattoo over it. If that’s the case, I’ll tattoo around it or include the scar in a tattoo to make it look like it’s all together.”

  I was impressed and had no idea that was even an option.

  “So, Lily.” He headed to the counter. “Couldn’t keep away?”

  I laughed. “Don’t get all high on yourself, Lucas. I was in the area.”

  “No one is ever just in the area around here.” His gaze popped to mine. “Tell me.”

  “I’m hungry and wanted to know if you would join me for a late supper,” I said all in one breath.

  “Really?” he asked. “Why?”

  I laughed. “You seem surprised that I would ask you to join me for food.”

  “I am actually.” He rubbed the back of his neck. “Most women don’t usually want just food.”

  “You don’t know what I want, Lucas.” I shook my head, my cheeks burning as his eye darkened. I cleared my throat. “Doesn’t matter. Right now, I just want food.”

  “Alright, Lily Pad.” He gave me a small smile. “I know just the place.”

  Lucas

  LILY WAS REFRESHING. SHE had the brightest smile. Her big green eyes looked at everything as if she were seeing it for the first time. As I sat across from her in the booth in the nearest Italian restaurant to my shop, I noticed the freckles that adorned her skin in the most delicious way. She was wearing a deep green sweater that accentuated her eyes. The vee dipped low enough that I could see her freckles continued beneath the fabric. My body stirred, my mouth salivated. I had a feeling she didn’t realize just how beautiful she was.

  “So, Lucas.” Lily took a drink of her water. “Come here often?” she asked, waggling her eyebrows.

  I chuckled, sitting back in the booth and playing with the napkin wrapped around the silverware. “I do actually. The owner needed some work done on his computer and security system, so I helped him out with that.”

  “Interesting.” She tapped her chin. “How did you find my number?”

  “Ah. Yes.” I grinned. “I was waiting for you to ask me that.”

  She shrugged. “I’ve been distracted.”

  “Right,” I said slowly. “I found you just like you found me.”

  “I didn’t find your phone number,” she corrected.

  “No, but I’d bet my life savings you could have.” I sat forward, reaching across the table and grabbed her wrist. “So tell me, Lily Pad. How did you find me exactly?”

  She swallowed, her slender throat working over that movement. “I have my ways.”

  “Hmm…I’d like to see you in action.” I pushed my thumb against her pulse point. “You’re good because no one has ever been able to crack through my firewalls before.”

  “It wasn’t hard.” Her breath caught, her lips slamming shut.

  I laughed, shaking my head. “What if I told you that the information you found was there because I wanted you to find it.”

  “You’re saying that you have layer after layer of firewalls, security, p
rotection…” She attempted to pull her hand from my grip, but my hold only tightened. “…just for fun?”

  “I’m saying that I have been waiting for someone to crack it. Not that anyone has ever tried. I’m hardly an interesting person.” I pushed my thumb harder against her pulse. “What information did you find?” I already knew, but I wanted to know if she read everything.

  “Nothing really.” Her pulse skipped a beat.

  She was lying.

  Pulling her hand from mine, she sat back and crossed her arms under her chest. “Lucas Crane. Aged thirty-three. Both parents are dead. Owns Crane’s Ink.”

  “That’s it?” I raised an eyebrow. “That’s pretty boring.”

  She rolled her eyes. “I’m not stupid, Lucas. I know the rest of your records are sealed only because you want them to be.”

  “I had help in sealing my records,” I confessed. “I didn’t have a good childhood.”

  “Well, I’m glad you have them sealed. I’m sure you don’t want that information falling into the wrong hands.”

  “No.” I swallowed hard. “I do not.”

  “So tell me, what’s something that’s not listed online? Something no one knows?” She licked her full mouth, her gaze dropping to mine. “Tell me a secret.”

  “Something no one knows?” I thought a moment. Suddenly, a couple walked past our booth, a floral perfume following them.

  Pain. Agony. So much damn pain.

  “Lucas?”

  I jumped, my gaze landing on Lily.

  “You good?” she asked, a deep frown settling between her brows.

  “Yeah. Sorry.” I coughed. “But to answer your question, I have a beautiful woman sitting across from me.”

  She snorted which was cute as hell. “That’s not exciting.”

  “It is for me,” I told her. “I don’t have dinner with women often.” I scanned the room. That couple from before no longer in sight. But the faint smell of roses lingered. Rubbing the back of my neck, I focused on the present, not letting myself fall into my past.