by J. M. Walker
“Okay.” She leaned her cheek on my chest, lazily running her finger over my nipple.
“What is it?” I tapped her ass lightly when she didn’t respond.
“I’ve never been jealous over anyone before.” Lily lifted her head. “But knowing Lena wanted you…” She shrugged. “It bothers me.”
“Don’t let it because you are the only one that I want. Okay?”
“Okay,” she repeated.
“I think we’re late for the meeting.” I noticed that it was now dark out.
“We can go to the late one.” Lily placed a kiss on the spot above my heart. “I like this. Being naked with you. It’s like we can’t hold anything back since we don’t have clothing in our way.”
“No barriers, baby?” I asked, brushing my thumb along her bottom lip.
“Yeah. Something like that.” She gave me a small smile.
She was absolutely breathtaking. I trailed my thumb along her jawline, sliding my hand into the mess of curls falling freely around her face. Her bright green eyes shone. Her full plump mouth parted, a sharp inhale of breath escaping her. “Why are you looking at me like that?” she asked, her voice low and husky.
“You’re beautiful.” My body grew hard beneath her.
Her cheeks reddened.
“I’m serious,” I said, knowing she didn’t believe me. “You look at me like I’m the only one who matters in your world. You make me feel things that I’ve never felt before. Your heart is so damn big, I can feel its warmth every time we touch.” I spun us around, so she was laying beneath me. “And this?” I pushed into her. “Is perfect. Every time with you is perfect.”
Her cheeks reddened even more. “Lucas.”
“Lily.” I brushed her hair off her forehead. “I mean it. Everything I say to you, I mean.”
Her eyes shone. “God, you know how to make a girl feel good about herself.”
I chuckled, placing a soft peck on her mouth. “I don’t want you to cry,” I murmured, swiping my thumb over a tear that had fallen from the corner of her eye. “I just want you to know how I feel. I don’t talk. I never talk. I do my shares at the meetings but even then, it’s just basic shit. But I’m trying to talk to you.”
“I know,” she said, her voice wavering.
“No, baby.” I kissed her again. “I want to tell you everything but it’s hard for me. It brings me back there and I can’t…it fucking scares me. I can’t go back there because it’ll fuck me up and I don’t want that. I don’t want you to see that.”
“I get it.” She ran her hands up and down my back. “Can we do something tomorrow?”
“We can do whatever you want. Just name it.”
“Well…” She chewed her bottom lip.
“Tell me.”
“I want to go to the beach. After everything that’s happened, I just want…I want you. I want to go away with you. We can go to the beach during the day and then dinner at night?”
“You want that?” I asked her, sitting back and pulling her onto my lap. “With me?”
Lily straddled me. “Of course I do. There’s no beach near here but there’s one a few hours away. Is that okay?”
“Of course.”
“Good.” She kissed me softly on the mouth. “I love you, Lucas. And I’ve meant everything I’ve said to you. I want more. I want you. I want…I want one day at a time with you.” She laughed. “God, I’m rambling. I feel nervous.”
“Don’t feel nervous with me, Lily Pad,” I said, my voice firm. “Ever. Do you understand me?”
She nodded. “So…”
I chuckled, leaning in for a kiss.
She grinned, pushing me. “Tell me.”
“Yes, Lily.” I bit her chin. “I’ll take you to the beach and then out for dinner. We can get drunk off of water. We can do all of that. Whatever you want.”
She laughed. “I can’t wait.”
Neither could I.
Lily
WE ENDED UP MISSING the meeting the night before and instead returned to my grandmother’s house. Toby was bound to kick both of our asses, but he hadn’t called. Again. A part of me wondered what that was about.
While Lucas was in the shower, I gathered up some things we would need for our days at the beach on our weekend away. I was excited. Too excited. It had been years since I’d felt the sand between my toes and heard the water crashing against the shore. I didn’t care that it was cooler out and that we were probably crazy for going to the beach. I needed this. We needed this.
The water turned off and I couldn’t help but imagine Lucas standing in the shower with drops running down the length of his hard body. I shivered. God, get it together, Lily. He was just a man. It wasn’t like I hadn’t seen one before. But in all fairness, I had never seen anyone that looked like him. At all.
Pushing the dirty thoughts to the back of my mind, I finished packing my bag with a blanket and two towels, and put it at the door near the bag Lucas packed the night before. Not that we would go in the water because I was sure it was probably cold but just in case, I packed them anyway.
Stripping out of my tank top and panties, I rummaged through my underwear drawer for my bikini.
“Hmm…now that is quite the sight.”
I laughed, meeting Lucas’s gaze in the mirror.
He ran a towel over his head, threw it in the hamper beside my dresser, and slipped the eye patch back onto his head.
“I’m not sure which one to wear.” I pulled out a few bathing suits. “Red, black…or…white?”
“White.” He stepped up behind me. “Then when it’s wet, I can see everything beneath it.”
“But then everyone else will see,” I reminded him, slipping into the bottoms and pulling them up to my hips.
“Fuck.” He brushed his fingers below the cheek of my ass, licking his lips.
“Lucas, you need to stop looking at me like that or we’ll never leave.” I handed him the strings to the top. “Tie me up?”
He took them from me and did as I asked. With the top securely in place, I continued looking through my drawers for a pair of shorts, a tank top, and a sweater.
“Keep doing that, Lily.”
I lifted my head. “Was last night, this morning, and the shower not enough for you?” I laughed.
“Not when you look like that.” He cupped himself. “Fuck, baby. I’ve never had so much sex in my life. You’ve turned me into an addict.”
Our eyes locked in the mirror.
“Don’t think about that shit,” he bit out, the tension in the air becoming thick.
I cleared my throat, pushing those dark thoughts to the back of my mind. “Can I ask you a question?”
“Depends.” He slipped his white t-shirt over his head. “Are you going to ask me about my past?”
“Yes,” I said automatically.
He slumped onto the edge of the bed. “Fine. Go ahead.”
“How long did it take for you to enjoy sex?”
His gaze snapped to mine. “Not long. Even though I was forced into it at a young age, I’m still human and I’m also a man.”
“Did you ever have sex with someone you cared about? Before me I mean?”
Lucas stood, coming toward me. When he was directly in front of me, he gripped my hips and kissed my forehead. “Yeah but it was nothing. And I haven’t fucked anyone I’ve cared about since. Not until you. You’re the only woman I want to keep fucking. The only one I want to slip my dick inside and stay there.” He kissed the side of my neck. “You make me feel safe,” he whispered.
I shivered, snaking my arms around his neck. My nipples pebbled, pushing against the triangles of my bikini top. “You’re always safe with me.”
Gripping the flesh of my rear, he carried me to the bed and laid me on it before kneeling between my legs.
“We need to go,” I whispered, digging my heels into his ass.
Instead of saying anything, he kissed the side of my neck and reached between us. His finger hooked into
the crotch of my bathing suit and pulled it to the side at the same time he thrust into me.
I cried out, the burn of his thick cock piercing into my unprepared body spreading over me.
“Take it, Lily,” he growled, biting along the length of my throat. “I know this raw pussy likes being used up.”
“Yes,” I whimpered. The pain sliced through me, my body becoming wet for him.
He grunted. “You’re my slutty little masochist, aren’t you?”
His words should have offended me but instead, they only made my pussy clench and suck him in deeper.
He chuckled, pushing into me as deeply as my body would allow. He stopped, holding my head in place. My body was pinned to the bed by his powerful strength.
“I love you, Lily Pad.” He sucked my bottom lip into his mouth.
“God, I love you too, Lucas.” I lifted my head to meet the hard impact of his lips against mine. “Please fuck me.”
“No.” He leaned his elbows on either side of my head. “The first time I had sex, I was forced to enjoy it.” He leaned down, his hot breath scorching my ear. “I came. I came fucking hard.”
“Why are you telling me this now?” Anxiety rushed through me.
“Because I need to know.”
“Know what?” I asked, my voice shaking.
“That you can handle it.” Lucas bit my earlobe.
“What do you mean?” I frowned. “If you’re asking me if I can handle you while you’re talking about your childhood when you’re deep inside me, try me.”
Something flashed behind his eye.
“You can’t scare me,” I added.
“I was twelve when I first fucked a woman.”
“I was thirteen when I first felt a dick inside me,” I threw back at him. “Are you trying to make me jealous?”
Lucas chuckled. “Baby, you have no reason to be jealous of anyone that I’ve fucked. You do remember that not all of my encounters were consensual. Right?”
“Then why are you telling me this while fucking me?” I pushed him back and slid out from beneath him. “I love you but you’re being a big asshole right now.” I stormed into my bathroom, slamming the door shut behind me. God, he was a dick and I had no idea why the hell that just happened.
***
(Lucas)
I stuffed my aching cock back into my pants and sat on the edge of the bed. Dropping my head in my hands, I let out a deep sigh. What the hell was wrong with me? Was I deliberately trying to ruin the good that had finally come into my life?
“You’re tainted, boy.” Manicured nails dug into my cheeks. “You will always be tainted. You won’t have any good come to you and if you do?” The woman sneered. “It won’t last long. You crave sex. The dark side of it. The sensual side. All of it. You won’t be able to find anyone that can keep up and handle that beast inside of you. You’re a fucking pervert and my goal is to make you an addict.”
And I was. Drugs, alcohol, sex. Coffee was the only thing I allowed myself to have anymore. And sex. But sex always came with a price. Especially now that it involved a woman I was in love with.
Mustering up the courage to talk to Lily, I trudged to the door of her bathroom and gave it a light knock. When she didn’t answer, I leaned my forehead against it. “I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry. I don’t know what came over me. I wasn’t trying to make you jealous at all. I have…I have problems. Issues. I don’t fucking know anymore. You’re the first good thing in my life and I don’t know how to take it. I love you, Lily Pad.”
The door slowly opened. Lily stared up at me. “Were you wanting angry sex?”
“No. I don’t know.” I stuffed my hands in the pockets of my gray sweatpants. “I just wanted you.”
“You have me. Always.” She shoved a finger against my chest. “But you don’t need to talk about your past when you’re inside me. It’s weird and it fucks with my head.”
“I know.” I cleared my throat. “That was the point.”
She raised an eyebrow. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
I pushed her farther back into the bathroom and lifted her onto the counter. “I’m not just a drug addict, Lily. I’m addicted to sex as well.”
“Am I going to have to worry about you fucking other people?” she asked, leaning back and searching my face.
“What?” I should have expected that. “No. Not at all.”
“What if I’m not enough for you? I’m only one person, Lucas. What if I can’t give you what you need?”
I opened my mouth to argue, to tell her that she was crazy for thinking that way, but it made sense. She was only one person. The question wasn’t whether she was enough for me but rather, if she could handle me and my demons.
I left the bathroom, grabbing the bag Lily had packed for us. “You are enough for me, Lily,” I said when I felt her come up behind me. “You have to be enough because I refuse to have it any other way.”
“We’ll take this one day at a time then, Lucas, but I won’t compete with other people.”
Bile rose to my throat that she didn’t say other women. She knew. Fuck me, she knew.
Dropping the bag to the floor, I grabbed her hand and pulled her to the bed.
“Lucas.” She slid her hand from mine. “I’m not fuck—”
“Stop,” I snapped.
Her eyes widened.
“I mean…” I blew out a slow breath, trying to gather my thoughts, trying so damn hard to actually speak to her instead of closing up. If we were going to be together and make it through my shit, we had to talk. “First thing.” I grabbed her hands, holding them in mine and pulling the strength from her that I needed. “I’m not gay and I’m not bisexual. I have nothing against it but it’s not my thing. I’m straight. But I was raped as a kid by both men and women and forced to do things to other kids my age that would make the Devil himself cringe.”
Lily looked away.
“No, look at me please. I need you to look at me. I can’t get this out if you don’t.”
She nodded, chewing her bottom lip and met my gaze. “Go on,” she whispered.
“I…I don’t remember how old I was the first time it happened. I didn’t understand until I was older what we were used for. But I remember the pain. It was nothing like I had ever felt before. I…”
“Tell me about the first time you enjoyed it. Where you weren’t forced or manipulated into it and you actually wanted to have sex.”
My muscles tightened, bunching beneath my skin. “You want to know about that?”
Lily gave me a small smile. “I want to know you, Lucas. All about you. I want to know the man I’m in love with. The good and the bad.”
My heart swelled. “I was fifteen. It was one of the other adoptive kids. She was seventeen and counting down the days until she could leave that hell. I had always been big for my age. In…uh…every sense of the word.” My mind went back to that time. That dark and dangerous time but she had been the only light in the darkness that had surrounded my life. Until Lily.
“Please, Lucas. I just want to feel something other than pain.”
“We’ll get in trouble.” It wasn’t like Mel wasn’t beautiful, but I didn’t want to get caught and thrown back in the cage.
“I’m almost out of here.” Her deep blue eyes shone. “I wish I could take you with me.”
“Yeah, like that would ever happen. But I’ll get out of here. Eventually.” If they didn’t kill me first.
“Do you think we’ll ever see each other again?” Mel asked me, pushing her blonde bangs out of her eyes.
“I don’t know.” Honestly, I wasn’t sure I wanted to. We had been through a lot. All of us. Together and apart. Seeing her again would be too painful.
“Lucas.” Mel shuffled over to me and grabbed my hands. “Please.”
I searched her face. “Why me?”
Her eyes fell to my lap before glancing back up at my face. “You know why. I also trust you. I know you wouldn’t hurt me. Not
like…”
I leaned forward, inhaling the scent of her rose perfume and cupped her face. “I trust you too, Mel.”
“Lucas?” Lily frowned.
I coughed, rubbing the back of my neck. “Her name was Mel Huff. We had sex already but never by our own choice. She was leaving soon after that, so she wanted…anyway. It was the first and only time I got any enjoyment out of sex while being locked up in that hell. After that, I fucked any random I could get. And I haven’t enjoyed that physical contact until you.”
“Where is she now?” Lily asked.
“I don’t know. A lot of us didn’t make it. It’s what our adoptive parents wanted. Less mouths to tell their dirty secrets I guess. I tried looking for her again, but she must have changed her name or gotten married. Or maybe she died. I don’t know.”
“Did you have feelings for her?”
“I…No. Not the way I have feelings for you.” I cupped Lily’s cheek. “I cared for her. I’m not going to lie and say I didn’t.”
“I’m sure all of these old feelings are coming back,” Lily said, giving me a small smile.
I dropped my hand to my lap, staring at her. “You’re fucking incredible. I’m telling you about the first girl I had sex with and you’re acting like we’re talking about the weather.” Not that I expected her to be jealous, but she was jealous of Lena, so I had assumed she would react the same way when it came to Mel.
“I’m not, really.” Lily laughed lightly. “I know I freaked out when it came to Lena, but I guess this is different. You and Mel were together in a dangerous time of both your lives. You only had each other. I know I have nothing to be worried about and that you love me.”
“I do.” I cupped her face. “I do love you, Lily.” I placed a hard peck on her mouth. “I love you more than anything. You’ve given me so much damn strength, I don’t know how I can ever repay you.”
“Just love me,” she said softly. “That’s the only payment I’ll ever need.”
***
(Lily)
Hearing about Lucas’s first time where it was completely consensual made me feel…weird. I wasn’t sure what it was. Was I jealous? Angry? Annoyed? I wasn’t sure but a part of me wondered why I had never heard of this Mel chick before. Another part of me was thankful that she was no longer in Lucas’s life. They had been through a lot together. How could I ever compete with that?