by J. M. Walker
“I don’t. She’s a monster. She’s as bad as her real parents, my adoptive parents.” I wrapped my body around Lily, squeezing her and holding her tight against me until neither of us could breathe. “It’s not the same with her. I had no one else when she was in my life. It’s not the same, baby. Fuck, Lily, I can’t lose you. I refuse to lose you. I don’t feel anything for her. Not anymore.”
Tears streamed down Lily’s cheeks. “You lost me the moment she came back into your life.”
I kissed her face, her tears coating my lips. “Don’t say that.”
“It’s true, Lucas. This shop was closed. Why the hell would you let her in? I know she didn’t break in.”
“I was being nice.” Fuck, I realized how stupid that sounded.
“Being nice?” she repeated.
In that moment I saw her angry stiff shoulders slump in defeat and I knew the next blow was coming.
“Lucas, after all the shit she’s put us through already and you were being nice?” Lily shoved to her feet, scrubbing a hand down her face. “I can’t do this. I can’t be with someone who has feelings for someone else.”
“I don’t.” I fell forward, reaching out for her. “I love you. I love everything about you. I need you. I need your smiles. Your laughs. I need to share my peanut butter and jelly sandwiches with you. I need our coffee dates.”
Her sobs hardened. “I…I can’t.”
My throat closed, my chest tightening at what she was saying to me. “This is it?”
Another sob left her. “I…I think it is.”
“No, I refuse to think this is it. I love you, Lily Pad.” My body shook.
“And I love you, Lucas, but can you honestly sit here and tell me that you don’t want to rekindle things with her?” Her breath hitched. “You two went through hell together. That’s a bond that none of us can ignore.”
“It’s not like it was. I remember now. I remember what happened. My adoptive mom was her real mom. They made her seduce us. It doesn’t make sense. I’m not making sense, but I promise if you just hear me out, I can explain everything that I remember.”
“I can’t.” Lily pushed out of my hold.
“Lily,” I pleaded. “I can’t do this without you.”
“I think I should leave. I’m not giving you an ultimatum. I’m not that type of woman so I’m making it easy for you.” Lily’s voice wavered, her chin wobbling.
Our eyes locked, our souls collided and right there, I felt her pain compound with mine. It left me breathless and unable to continue the fight.
“You will be the only man I’ll ever love.”
I looked away, the sound of the door shutting a moment later.
Before thinking twice about it, I shoved to my feet and punched my fist through the wall. The bones in my knuckles cracked but the pain slicing through me, only ignited this need, this want for more. The agony turned into a dull roar, reminding me that I was alive and that I was human. A fucked up, broken mess of a human, but a human still the same.
***
(Lily)
When I had walked in on Lucas and Mel, my world had fallen out from under me. So many thoughts rushed through me. How could he? After all we had shared. I felt that we had finally started to move forward when he threw it all back in my face like I was a piece of shit on the bottom of his shoe. I didn’t know a lot about mental health issues. PTSD, or whatever it was Lucas had. Whatever Mel had said to him, triggered memories to the point she was able to suck his cock without his permission?
Bile rose to my throat. I didn’t know if that was possible.
Tears fell down my cheeks and I rubbed them away roughly. I wasn’t sure if he had feelings for Mel still but what I walked in on didn’t prove me wrong either. I was confused. Add to the fact that he never came after me and I was a fucking mess.
Was this it? Was I not worth fighting for? I got my answer when he let me go.
A sob hiccupped through me, forcing more hot tears down my cheeks. I was crushed with the weight of my emotions, defeat resonating on my shoulders.
“Lily.”
I stopped suddenly, finding Toby coming toward me.
“We were driving to the center for a meeting, but Sandra noticed you walking. So, I pulled over.” He pointed to his car parked across the street. Sandra was sitting in the passenger seat, looking our way. “Is everything okay?”
I glanced back at Toby, shaking my head.
“Lily.”
My back stiffened as I heard Lucas coming toward me from behind. “Will you take me home, Toby? Please?”
Toby nodded, glancing over my head. “Are you sure?”
“Yes. Please.” I rushed across the street.
“Lily, wait.”
I ignored Lucas and ran to the car, jumping into the back seat.
Toby came toward us and sat in the driver’s seat. “Home?”
I nodded.
Lucas banged on the window. “Lily, please. I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry.”
“What did you want us to do?” Sandra asked me gently.
“Just drive,” I said, my voice cracking. “Please just drive.”
Toby nodded, pulling the car away.
I looked behind us, finding Lucas running after the car. A sob escaped me. I turned back around. “Drive faster. Please driver faster.”
Toby did as I said and sped up the car. “He’s gone,” he said a few minutes later.
I nodded, covering my face. “I’m sorry.”
“Did you want to talk about it?” Sandra asked, gently.
“No. I—” My phone rang at that point. I had forgotten I put it in my back pocket. “Hello?”
“Miss Noel?”
My throat dried. “This is her.”
“This is Doctor Proulx at the General Hospital. Your grandmother has had a heart attack.”
Lily
“YOU ARE GOING TO stop this shit right now.”
My eyes widened at the language leaving my grandmother’s mouth. “I—”
“Shut up,” she screamed, her face reddening. “Just shut up. I’m sick of seeing you use your body to get that shit. You have a problem. It’s not just alcohol to you. It’s a damn drug. All these guys that come and go from this place? I’m sick of it. I opened my home to you when your parents died. I took care of you. I was by your side every damn day in that fucking hospital. And for what? All for you to throw it back in my face. Well I’m done. I’ve been kind, patient. It’s time for tough love now, kiddo. What do you say?” Her brows narrowed. “Answer me. Or I’m calling the cops and telling them that you’re selling your body. What you are doing could be considered prostitution, and that’s illegal in this country.”
“You wouldn’t,” I whispered.
“Try me.” Fury rolled off of her in waves.
“I…” I didn’t know what to say. What could I say? I fucked up. I fucked up bad.
From that moment on, I hadn’t had a drop of alcohol. My grandmother had been right. It wasn’t just alcohol to me. I couldn’t have a social drink. I had no control when it came down to it. So I stopped drinking altogether. And I had missed it every second since.
“Lily?”
Bone crushing sobs wracked through me. They were so hard, I couldn’t control them.
“Hand me her phone.”
“Pull over.”
I didn’t know who was talking. I didn’t care. I needed a drink. I needed Lucas. I needed to be happy. I needed us to be happy. I needed Mel and Killian to leave us alone.
Cool air washed over me followed by gentle arms. I didn’t know who was touching me. I didn’t care but I pulled in the warmth from them and cried. I cried so damn hard, my soul ached.
“Shhh…” The person whispered, rubbing soothing circles on my back.
“Yeah this is Toby. I’m a friend of Lily’s. Okay.”
“What’s going on?” Sandra asked, and I realized then that it was her who was hugging me.
“Her grandma had a heart atta
ck.”
“Oh, honey.” Sandra hugged me tighter.
“Did you want us to call anyone?” Toby asked.
I sat up, rubbed the tears away, and looked out the window.
Even though I was mad at Lucas, my grandma liked him. We hadn’t been together for long, but she meant what she said when she told him that she would take him in as her own.
“Yes,” my voice cracked. “Lucas.”
***
(Lucas)
Pure hard rage rushed through me. It went so deep, I could feel it inside my soul. Seeing Toby drive away with Lily in the back seat forced this newfound fury through me.
“Fuck,” I boomed, punching my fist through the wall a second time. The drywall cracked, pieces shattering to the floor.
A phone rang in the distance, but I ignored it and punched another hole in a different part of the wall. Pain screamed up my forearm, my knuckles bleeding the more I punched and the more I punched, the higher my anger rose. It did nothing to curb this agony inside of me.
Lily left me. She fucking left me.
I fell to my knees, falling forward. I didn’t know how much time had passed but I didn’t care. I needed her. I needed my Lily. My sweet Lily Pad.
A hard sob escaped me, forcing all of the anguish I had felt over the years, tumbling with it. I didn’t cry then. Not when my body was being used for another person’s pleasure. Not when I was being ripped in half. Not when my mouth was sewn shut. Not when I was whipped and beaten and left for dead. I didn’t cry. Not one fucking tear. But now, it hit me like a building had landed hard on my body. I couldn’t breathe. My chest felt tight. My lungs felt like they were going to explode from the lack of air I couldn’t give them. And why? All because Mel couldn’t keep her hands to herself. All because she wanted something she couldn’t have. All because both of us were forced into a situation as children that neither of us could control. But I got out. She didn’t. Not in her mind anyway. And the fact she still had control over my past, shoved me to my feet and forced me to lift the nearest thing and toss it.
“Lucas!”
I heard my name but didn’t know who was calling me. I didn’t care. Let them say my name. Let them see how much of a monster I was and that the only way I could be tamed was by having Lily back in my arms.
The beast inside of me was unleashed as I barreled through my living room.
Lifting. Tossing. Destroying.
“Lucas! Calm the fuck down!”
Hands grabbed me but I shoved them off, my fist landing against bone before I could stop myself.
“Fuck!”
“Lucas, I’ll fucking Taser you.”
Red hot fury danced in my vision. It teased and played, sliding over my skin. It controlled my actions, making me blind with rage.
“Do something!” A woman.
I spun around thinking it was my Lily but when I saw a taller woman, my vision cleared, and I realized that it wasn’t her. “Lily,” I ground out between clenched teeth.
“Lucas, look at me.”
I turned back around, getting in Shephard’s face. “What the fuck are you doing here?”
“Are you calm?” he asked, narrowing his brows but taking a step back.
“I asked you a question.” My voice was so deep, even I didn’t recognize it.
Shephard lifted his hands, warding me off when Sandra stepped between us.
“Lily needs you. Her grandmother is in the hospital. We’re going to take you to her,” Sandra said in a rush.
“We’ve been ringing the doorbell over and over. When you didn’t answer, I called Shephard to come help.” Toby stepped beside his wife.
“How long?” I glanced around the room, trying to find a clock but apparently, I had knocked it off the wall. The living room was trashed like Godzilla himself had barreled through the apartment. The evidence of my rage stared back at me, taunting me.
“It’s been almost eight hours, Lucas.” Toby placed a gentle hand on my shoulder.
“Eight hours?” I pinched the bridge of my nose. “I lost eight fucking hours.” All because I couldn’t control my shit and fell into myself. I hadn’t realized that much time had passed. “Take me to her but first…” I stepped toward Shephard. “What’s going on?”
“Killian.” He shoved a file against my chest.
“Tell me.” I snatched the file from his hand and tossed it to the floor. “Now.”
“It’s done. I got a couple of guys from the force to conduct a search, and we raided his place. We found your computers and can have them back to you.”
“My computers.” I frowned. “I thought they were turned in?”
“They were but Killian had someone on the inside who stole them from evidence to bring them back to him. We also found out that he was one of the kids. One of the other kids who were adopted by the same people who adopted you.”
All the blood drained from my face. “What?”
“Let’s continue this conversation on the way to the hospital,” Toby suggested.
“Move,” I barked. “Now.”
Toby and Sandra rushed to the door with Shephard and I following.
“Explain,” I demanded.
“He had his name changed. He was born as Ronald Olle. He was the main attraction and the one who made them money before you arrived.”
“I was there my whole childhood; how does that make any sense?” I asked him. We reached Toby and Sandra’s car, slipping into the back seat.
“I guess this was before you hit puberty and you really filled out. I don’t know, Lucas. I’m just going by what he said.” Shephard glanced at Toby and Sandra.
“I don’t give a shit if they know,” I bit out. There was no use keeping this to myself any longer. I had spent years doing that and look where it got me. It was about time it came out in the open.
Shephard nodded. “Killian joined the force and moved up to detective, so he could bring down bastards like your adoptive parents, but he had a hidden agenda. He wanted to put you away.”
“Me?” I frowned. “What the hell for?” I waited and when Shephard didn’t say anything, I laughed. “This has to do with Lily. Doesn’t it? Like you said, he can’t have her, so no one can.”
“It was originally because of Mel. You got both of the girls he wanted.” He pulled his phone out from the inner pocket of his jacket and pressed a button.
“He stole both of them from me. Mel and Lily. He deserves to suffer. He deserves to be locked up. So I had Mel play a little game with him.” Killian chuckled. “I paid her to seduce him. Although, she probably would have done it for free. But I am a nice guy after all. It’s a small world that he just happened to show up at the place she was working at. And get this. It wasn’t even the same town we grew up in.” Killian’s laugh deepened. “He’s a fucking mess. The mind’s a fragile thing, you know. If you poke it the right way, you can have it doing whatever you want. And she did. And you know what’s better? Lily walked in.” His laugh deepened. “It’ll serve him right for fucking with what’s mine.”
When the recording ended, Shephard stuffed his phone back into his jacket pocket. “I’m sorry, Lucas.”
“Don’t.” I pinched the bridge of my nose. “I need to see Lily,” I said as soon as we pulled up to the hospital.
“Lucas, he’ll be dealt with, legally. But he didn’t just steal from you. What you went through as kids not only fucked him up, but it took that part of him that had any morals left. We found child porn on his own computers. He was loading them onto yours. He was trying to make it look like you were into that shit, but we caught him in time.”
“Fuck. We’ll talk later.” I slipped from the car. “Thank you for the ride,” I told Toby and Sandra and shut the door behind me, not waiting for a response.
I knew Killian was fucked in the head, but I never expected this. This was a twist even I never saw coming. I had to tell Lily but first, I needed to make up for the shit Mel had done to me.
Lily
&nbs
p; I COULDN’T EAT. I couldn’t function. I couldn’t do anything. I felt like I had been at the hospital for years when really, it had only been since last night. Or that was how long I thought it was anyway. Maybe it was longer or shorter. I wasn’t sure anymore.
“Lily.”
My head snapped up, my gaze landing on Lucas. He had his hands shoved in his pockets, his good eye not meeting mine. He looked like a child who had just been scolded.
He wore gray sweatpants with a black hoodie. It was his signature outfit when he wanted to be comfortable. He was dressed casually but still looked lethal and that dangerous part of him stirred something inside of me.
That dark part. That submissive part. That part that needed him.
Jumping from my seat, I had every intention of running to him, but something stopped me. Could I trust him? Mel was a problem. A big problem. If what Lucas said was true, and she had full control over him, triggering memories. Could I compete with that? Could I help him move past that mental break, so it never happened again? And if it did, could I be there for him?
I made a decision. Yes, yes, I could.
I rushed toward him and threw myself in his arms, a sob escaping me.
He hugged me to him, wrapping his arms around me and holding me so damn tight I couldn’t breathe but I found that I didn’t care. I needed him. This. All of this.
His touch had been embedded on my skin from the very first moment. All of him was pressed up against all of me and it was perfect. It was ours. All of it was ours and no one could take that away from us.
“Lily,” he whispered, running his hand over my head. “Fuck I missed you. I missed this. I thought I’d never see you again. I thought we were…I thought...”
I broke out into uncontrollable sobs. My body shook. Everything that had happened since Mel had shown up, came crashing down on me. And then my grandma having a heart attack. I couldn’t lose her. I couldn’t lose Lucas. I couldn’t lose either of them.
“Hey.” Lucas lifted me in his arms, carrying me to a nearby chair and placing me on his lap like a child. “Talk to me, baby.”