Stealing Spaceships: For Fun and Profit

by Logan Jacobs

  I changed my plans mid-air.

  When I crashed down onto the first hound-lizard head, I slid down the front of its face and shoved the flare into one of its ugly nostrils. The creature thrashed about, and in the process, it carried me exactly where I needed to go: head number two.

  With my left hand now free, I grabbed one of my guns and sprung off the nose of the first head. I fired three times before I landed on the ground in front of the second head’s paw. My shots had caught it in its wide-open mouth, so at first, it just went quiet. Then it threw its head back and collapsed onto the ground.

  The first creature roared, and I heard another roar that echoed right behind me, so I glanced over my shoulder.

  That would be head number three.

  “Move back!” I shouted at Orla.

  The princess obeyed, but she didn’t move far enough out of the way.

  “I said, move the hell back!” I shouted again.

  “I did!” she yelled.

  “Orla!” I tried again. “Move the fuck out of my way!”

  This time, she seemed to understand my meaning, and she stumbled backward until she was out of the line of my planned attack. As soon as she was out of the way, I sprinted toward the third head while the first head still tried to dislodge the flare that I had planted in its nostril.

  The third head swiped a pawful of claws, and I slid underneath it to pop up right underneath its jaw. I fired a few rounds into where its chest should be behind the undergrowth, and when it reared its head back in pain, I grabbed the thumb of its claw and vaulted myself upward.

  The force of my jump carried me up to the creature’s throat. I studied Honey Bee’s plotted trajectory of my movements, and I raised my machete as my chip made everything around me move in what looked like slow motion. I gave a wicked slice of my machete against the thing’s scaly fur, and then I dove back to the ground just in time to miss the spray of black blood that poured out of the creature’s neck.

  The second head gave a little twitch, and I realized I had only stunned it. But there was no time to deal with that, because the first head had finally dislodged the flare and now roared with anger. As I ran toward the first head, I glanced at the second head’s movements.

  “Shoot it between the eyes!” I shouted at Orla. “When it comes at you, just shoot square between the eyes!”

  I turned my attention back to the first head. The creature had ripped the flare out of its nose and threw it to the ground, and the red glow looked like it was about to burn out. It gnashed its teeth and lunged for me, but I was ready.

  I rolled underneath its open jaws and only stopped when I reached the creature’s chest. Then I held my gun against its scales and emptied my magazine until the rounds pierced the creature’s armor and gurgled out black blood that spilled like oil onto the ground. I reloaded and fired two more shots, and the scales crumbled to dust as the creature gushed more black blood from the wound.

  I heard the crack of the shotgun behind me and glanced back. Orla was on her back in the brush, but she had managed a good shot, and the second head of the creature swayed and then plunged toward the earth.

  I jumped forward and whisked the princess out of the way, just before the second head crashed on the spot where she had been. I fired two more rounds to finish the second head off, and then all three heads gave a final little shudder and then went still. Orla dusted herself off.

  “Alright?” I asked.

  “Mhm,” the princess said faintly. “You just… but the creature was so big, and you just…”

  “I think the word you’re looking for is that I killed it?” I suggested.

  “Yes, but… I mean, it had three heads!” she exclaimed. “Three of them! And they were all taller than you, and you just… killed them all.”

  “Technically speaking, it was only one creature, so I killed it, not them,” I explained.

  “That’s just not true,” Orla defended. “I mean, maybe it was only one creature, but it had three heads, and that means there were three times more chances that thing was going to eat me up, and you killed every single one of them.”

  “A simple thank you would be enough,” I said with a grin.

  “Thank you,” the princess breathed as she held onto my arm, and it seemed like her eyes couldn’t get any wider.

  Or more filled with adoration.

  We climbed over the neck of the first head to continue southeast, and I tried to see the rest of the creature’s body. It was a maze of scales and fur, and it was so massive that I wasn’t sure where the forest ended and the animal began.

  I didn’t want to stick around to see if the creature had any friends.

  We reached the edge of the jungle with no other incident, and I had Honey Bee scan the horizon. There was a city that we should be able to make it to within a few hours, but I glanced at the brunette beside me and realized she was going to drop soon if she didn’t get some rest.

  I examined the trees around us until I found one that would work. Then I jumped up to grab the lowest branch and reached back down to swing Orla up beside me.

  “Come on,” I exhaled. “Just a little further.”

  Halfway up the huge tree, its branches forked in several directions, and in the middle of the fork was a flat bed of moss. It would have to do until morning, so I took off my pack to use as a pillow.

  “Do you think that thing can get us up here?” the princess asked in a small voice.

  “What I think,” I exhaled, “is that thing is dead, and ain’t nothing else coming up here but birds. Just sleep, and we’ll start again in the morning.”

  The princess settled down against the moss. She was asleep within seconds, and after I told Honey Bee to wake me if she heard anything, so was I.

  The feeling of sunlight on my skin woke me up in the top of the tree. I started to stretch my arms when I felt something heavy against my chest. The princess was curled up against my side, with her head buried against my shoulder.

  Damn. She was gorgeous. Her dark brown hair had come loose and was in waves around her shoulders now, and her breasts rose and fell gently with the quiet breathing of her sleep. Her full lips were ever so slightly open, as if she wanted to say something even in sleep but couldn’t remember what. Her eyelids fluttered as the sunlight hit her long lashes, but she still didn’t wake up.

  “Wake up, princess.” I shook Orla by the shoulder when it didn’t look like the sunlight alone was going to do the trick. “Cuddle time is over.”

  The brunette came awake with a splutter.

  “Sorry, what was that?” I laughed.

  “I was not cuddling,” the princess insisted.

  “Oh come on, now. It’s just the two of us, so you can admit it,” I said. “I think you’re quite fond of me.”

  “I am not, and we were not cuddling,” the brunette repeated.

  “You weren’t cuddling, or you aren’t fond of me?” I asked.

  “Ugh, neither!” Orla huffed.

  “Ah,” I sighed. “I get it. It’s not that you’re fond of me. I think you must damn near love me.”

  “You’re crazy,” Orla accused. “I couldn’t possibly feel anything for you. You’re--”

  “You couldn’t possibly, or you don’t?” I teased.

  “I don’t,” the long-legged woman defended. “I definitely don’t. You’re a-- well, you’re an asshole. And foul. And you have an ego the size of… well, I don’t know what. But it’s too big.”

  “So you’ve been checking out my size?” I grinned.

  “Ugh, see? I told you that you were foul.” The princess scowled. “And you’re a criminal! If you hadn’t stolen Leon’s ship, we wouldn’t be in this mess to begin with.”

  “If I hadn’t stolen Leon’s ship, I guarantee that self-important idiot would have gotten your pretty ass blown up,” I growled.

  Her green eyes widened, and I knew she had gotten stuck on the word ‘pretty.’ I rolled my eyes, and this time, I wished the princess could h
ave seen them.

  “Well,” she said with a slow blink of her long lashes. “Thank you. Trevor?”

  “Hm?”

  “It’s so early, and it’s not really bright out yet,” Orla started. “Couldn’t you maybe just… couldn’t you just take your sunglasses off? I don’t understand why you have to wear them all the time, and I’d like to… I’d like to see your eyes.”

  “Trust me, princess,” I sighed, “I’m saving you from being blinded by their beauty.”

  “That’s not an answer,” she pouted.

  “It’s all the answer you’re gonna get,” I answered. “My glasses are my trademark, so you can either ask me about them again, or you can let me help you down from the tree. You can only pick one.”

  “The tree, I guess,” she muttered.

  “Smart pick,” I agreed. “Now let’s go get some fuel.”

  We covered ground much more quickly now that we were out of the woods and daylight had returned. We passed a few outlier houses on our trek into the city, and we walked over a few fields that might have once been farms. Smoke came out from a few chimneys, but I didn’t see a single person until we reached the edge of the city proper. And even then, I wished I hadn’t.

  The city was a fucking wreck. I had hoped it would be firmly under either Dominion or ULA control, but it looked like we had just walked into the middle of both sides bombing each other into that decision. There were more piles of rubble than there were intact houses, and smoke drifted through the stones like a permanent fog.

  Every time someone saw us, they immediately ran in the other direction. I guessed it didn’t matter that we weren’t dressed in rebel red or Dominion navy. We were armed, and we didn’t look like we’d been starved, so in these people’s minds, that meant we were predators.

  I finally grabbed an older man and asked him where we could buy supplies. He just shook his head. I asked him in another language, but still, he gave no response. Orla tried another tongue.

  The man pointed around the corner and mumbled a few words.

  “He said there’s an off-world supply store two blocks in that direction,” the princess told me. “But he doesn’t think it has anything left after the riots last week.”

  I didn’t have the heart to tell her that Honey Bee had translated the man’s words for me faster than the brunette had. Besides, I never revealed all my cards until I had to.

  “So, you’re good with languages,” I congratulated her.

  “See?” Orla huffed. “Sometimes it pays to be a princess.”

  “I never said it didn’t.” I grinned. “It’s good to know that you’re good with your tongue.”

  The princess just glared at me, and I released my grip on the older man, then nodded in the direction that he had gestured, and let him walk away.

  “You think there’s anything left?” the green-eyed princess asked.

  “Only one way to find out,” I sighed.

  We rounded the corner and crossed one block before I noticed the shift. The broken sidewalks we had just left were sprayed with red markings, and the sidewalk we had just stepped onto was sprayed with navy letters.

  We had just crossed into Dominion territory.

  Before I could hurry us into the next alley and out of the open, I heard a series of guns cock behind us. Orla glued herself to my side again, and I raised my hands but didn’t turn around yet.

  “Stand down,” a Dominion soldier’s voice commanded. “Princess Orla, we have orders to take you into custody.”

  Chapter 12

  “Cooperate, and you’ll both be unharmed,” the Dominion soldier continued. “If you do not cooperate, I cannot guarantee your safety.”

  The long-legged brunette whirled on him before I could stop her.

  “I am Princess Orla Medalla,” she snarled. “So you damn well better guarantee my safety. And his.”

  “Who’s he?” the soldier asked.

  I turned around reluctantly to see a squad of Dominion soldiers dressed in navy, all with weapons drawn. I could take on a squad by myself, no problem. Honey Bee gave a little click inside my skull, and then I saw the small company that marched toward us from the alley across the street.

  “Okay,” I muttered. “So that might be a little more difficult to--”

  “He’s Leon Cotranis,” Orla answered the soldier.

  I glared at her, but she just smiled like she was actually proud of herself for the lie. The soldier touched his earpiece, and I took a step closer to the princess so the troops wouldn’t hear what I said next.

  “Why in the hell did you tell him that name?” I hissed.

  “I thought that was better,” the brunette defended. “I didn’t think you wanted your real name all over Dominion airwaves.”

  “Yeah, but I’ll bet you anything that asshole Leon is wanted by the Dominion for any number of things,” I muttered. “Larceny, smuggling, wearing a red vest, having red sympathies-- you name it, he’s probably wanted for it.”

  “Well, I didn’t know that,” Orla whispered. “Excuse me for trying to do something nice for you.”

  The Dominion soldier dropped his hand from his earpiece and leveled his weapon at me. The troops under his command followed his example, but a few them kept their guns pointed at Orla.

  “You can’t hurt us,” Orla commanded.

  “And we won’t have to, if you just come with us and do what we say,” the Dominion soldier answered.

  “Didn’t you read the bounty?” the princess demanded. “Don’t you remember the most important thing it says? Alive and unharmed?”

  “Maybe,” the soldier said with a grin. “But maybe I don’t read all that good. I reckon the Supreme Commander will still pay at least half that bounty if you’re a little worse for the wear, don’t you? Maybe even a quarter, if you’re dead. He’d probably still want to pay so he could have a memorial, don’t you reckon?”

  Orla bit her lip and took half a step back.

  “You’re a cliche, you know that?” I sighed.

  “The name’s Dobs, not Clichay,” the Dominion soldier corrected me. “And I’m a sergeant of the fucking Dominion, so I’d appreciate it if you’d show me a little respect.”

  “And I’d appreciate it if you’d show the princess of your fucking Dominion a little respect,” I growled.

  The brunette grinned from ear to ear, but Dobs puffed his chest out at me, and I stopped myself from laughing in his face.

  “I don’t know that I do,” the sergeant answered. “Do you know how many warrants you got outstanding, Cotranis? I’m pretty sure anyone who associates with the likes of you don’t deserve a whole lot of respect.”

  I had to agree with him on that score, but I could already see how this would all play out, so I wasn’t about to give him my real name.

  “Associates?” I repeated instead. “That’s a mighty big word for such a little man.”

  The sergeant lunged toward me to take me into custody, but that was exactly what I wanted him to do. I calculated the distance to the beam that was suspended between the roofs of the alley across the street. Then with a quick sidestep to avoid Dobs, I pulled Orla behind me and whipped out my sidearm faster than the Dominion troops could react.

  I might not have been on Wild West Ineocca anymore, but I was still sure as shit the fastest draw this side of the galaxy.

  I fired a round into the sergeant’s shoulder, and Honey Bee made everything go in slow motion as I turned to fire another shot at a man who rushed toward Orla. My chip showed me the trajectory of my next round, and I knew it would be the shot that mattered the most. I followed Honey Bee’s lines and fired three times in a row at a weak spot in the beam across the street. After the third shot, it groaned and plunged to the ground of the alley.

  It dashed against the broken concrete below, right on top of the small marching company of Dominion soldiers. They scattered with a shout, and the squad in front of us all hesitated long enough to turn around and see what had made the crash.<
br />
  I took advantage of their hesitation, picked the princess up by her waist, threw her over my shoulder, and ran into the closest side street just as the Dominion squad started to shoot. The brunette felt like nothing in my arms. I could have kept running with her, but I knew we only had a few seconds before the Dominion would be on us, and I needed both hands free to fight.

  I ran down the first alley, crossed down a narrow lane, and passed into another crumbling side street. I set the princess down as soon as we ducked into the last street, and she leaned against me as my glasses vented with a soft hiss. It was only for a second, but she felt so soft in my arms that I felt irrationally angry that these soldiers had tried to kill her.

  “Come on,” I whispered. “We’ve gotta move.”

  The brunette nodded and pulled away from me, and I heard the troops in the alley next to ours. I scanned the rubbled buildings on either side of us. There wasn’t a good escape route from the alley itself, so we just ran into the next side street and then on into another until we stopped short as we entered a dead end.

  The soldiers had almost caught up to us at this point, and Honey Bee informed me there were more of them coming toward us from the other direction of the main street. We couldn’t go back, so I looked around and saw a fire escape still relatively intact against the side of one of the buildings. It should have gone all the way to the roof, but the top part of it had been blasted away in some bombing from either the ULA or the Dominion. We didn’t have a lot of options, so it would just have to do.

  “Up you go,” I told the princess.

  I lifted her by the waist again until she grasped the bottom rung of the fire escape. Then she pulled herself up and kept climbing, and I jumped up to follow after her. As I pulled myself up onto the fire escape, the metal groaned like no one had used it in fifty years. I held my breath, but when the rusted metal didn’t crumble underneath us, I let out a little exhale of relief and climbed after the princess.

  We reached the top of the fire escape just as the Dominion troops entered the alley below us. Half came from the side street we had followed, and the other half poured in from the main road, so between the two forces, any chance of escape was completely blocked off.