Memories assailed me. Ballet classes. Standing at the barre, learning how to turn my feet out. How to plié. My mom, Marissa, who was now just a shadowy impression in my memories, gushing over me after my first recital.
The longing when I’d see advertisements for ballet or a little girl in a tutu going to class. The crushing envy I felt when I heard Keelie Meyers in seventh grade telling our whole class she was attending a ballet school in Paris during the summer.
All of it had symbolized a life I’d wanted.
A life that should have been mine.
A life I hadn’t known how to let go of until Lorna McKenna hauled me into her world.
Yet, it wasn’t until Jamie that I finally felt I’d found home. That I finally gave up longing for Margot Higgins and grew content with being Jane Doe. I could watch the stunning dancers tell a beautiful story, and it didn’t hurt anymore.
I didn’t realize I was crying until I felt Jamie’s hand on my cheek. I turned to him in the theater’s dark as he caught one on his thumb, his frown severe.
Grabbing his wrist, I pressed a kiss to his knuckles and smiled. “They’re good tears,” I whispered. I leaned in and pressed a quick kiss to his mouth. “Thank you.”
Assured I was happy, he settled in his seat.
I did the same, drawn back to the stage, where I fell in love all over again with ballet. It swept me up in the music and the feeling and the utter beauty of how many ways humans were capable of telling stories that enraptured.
Jamie didn’t say a word as we left the theater ninety minutes later. His hand clenched mine tight, and I realized he was waiting for me to say something. Traffic sounded, laughter, music, lights flared from headlights, from streetlights, from neon signs hanging on buildings as we walked through the evening world that was Brand Boulevard.
“Were you bored?” I asked.
“I thought I would be. But I wasn’t. It was beautiful.”
I loved that he could admit that. It’s his artist’s soul, I thought. “Maybe we can go again sometime?”
“If it’ll make you happy, we’ll go anytime you want.”
Hugging into him, I inhaled a deep breath and let it go. “It made me forget everything for a little while.”
“Yeah, me too.”
The mood between us was somewhat intense as Jamie stopped at a taco place and got us a quick bite to eat. We ate as we walked back to his house, a silent agreement between us that we weren’t ready for the night to be over. Every inch of me vibrated as we strolled through Glendale. Now and then, he’d squeeze my hand, as if reassuring himself I was there. Or perhaps reassuring me that he felt what I felt.
Something had cemented deep inside me as soon as I stood outside the Alex and realized what Jamie had done for me.
I knew I loved him.
But now I knew that he was so deeply, intrinsically a part of me, to lose him would be like someone tearing me in half. For someone who’d always been slightly detached, even from the people I cared about, this should have terrified me.
Instead, I was electrified. And desperately wanting.
I was done waiting to be with him.
The house was empty when Jamie let us in. He called out anyway, double-checking, but there was no response. It was a Saturday night. Lorna would be out with the latest guy she was seeing, and Skye had left Jamie a note.
“She’s with Sheridan.” He waved the note she’d left on the kitchen counter. Sheridan was an actress Skye had met through rehab. She was a little older and had been sober for seven years. She and Skye had bonded.
“That’s good.” My voice was thick with need.
Jamie eyed me. “What do you want to do?”
Heart pounding, I gave him a loaded look as I walked past him and ascended the stairs.
He didn’t say anything, but his footsteps soon sounded behind me.
Once inside his room, I turned to him and shrugged off my light jacket. It pooled at my feet as I kicked off my heels. Jamie stepped inside, his eyes dropping to my thighs where I clutched the hem of my dress. He pushed the door shut without taking his attention off me.
Shivering at the heat in those ocean eyes, I pulled the dress up and over my head and let it fall to the floor.
“Jane …?”
I unclipped my bra, and the straps slipped down my arms, the cups catching on my taut nipples before finding my dress on the floor. “I adore you, Jamie McKenna. And I don’t want to be with anyone but you. Ever.”
His eyes were now vibrant with need as they devoured my body. His voice was hoarse. “You know I feel the same way.”
“Then what are we waiting for?” I curled my fingers into the waistband of my cotton underwear and taking a deep breath, arms shaking—not with fear but with anticipation—I pushed them down until they dropped around my ankles.
Jamie sucked in a harsh breath, his chest rising and falling a little faster as I stepped out of them.
I shrugged a little, every inch of my naked body tingling, goose bumps prickling all over my skin. I was hot and shivery. My heart slammed hard in my chest. My palms felt clammy. “Jamie, I want you. And life is too damn short. We both know that. Tomorrow something might take me away from you, and I don’t want us to never have been together in every way we can be. I don’t want to wait anymore.”
He seemed a little lost, dazed, as he drank me in from head to toe. Not that he hadn’t seen me naked. We’d fooled around naked before.
But it felt like this was the first time.
I could see his erection straining against the zipper of his suit pants, his hands flexed at his sides as if he was desperate to touch me. Cheeks flushed, breathing uneven, he looked up from gazing at my body. “I’m coming out of my skin. What are you doing to me?”
He didn’t give me a chance to answer. He shrugged off his coat and crossed the distance between us, plucking at a few buttons on his shirt before hauling it up and over his head. Then his hands were clutching my face as he kissed me, deep and wet, his tongue licking hungrily at mine. The sensation of falling soon followed, the mattress depressing under our bodies, our lips losing contact as we bounced a little with the impact.
I gasped as Jamie held himself up over me so as not to crush me and nudged his throbbing hardness between my legs. The fabric of his pants caused delicious friction against me. My hands slid over the smooth, steel sleekness of muscle on his back, my fingers bruising his skin as my hips rose to meet his thrusts.
We’d done this before. Just last weekend after watching a movie on the couch, a movie we didn’t realize had a hot sex scene in it until it was too late, he’d pinned me to the sofa. To both our delights, we discovered that night I liked it when he held me down. Sex was the only time I enjoyed him being in total control. Determined not to go too far, though, we kept our clothes on, his thrusts hard between my legs, sweat glistening on his temple, as the friction pushed us to orgasm. We came hard.
But I knew we were both still unsatisfied.
I didn’t want that tonight. As good as it felt, I wanted more.
I fumbled for the buttons above the zipper on his pants.
When one of his hands covered mine, I feared he wanted to stop.
He broke our kiss and pushed up off the bed, straddling me. Jamie held my gaze as he unbuttoned his pants, unzipped them, and stepped from the bed to shuck them off completely. Along with his boxer briefs.
Jamie was impressive, to say the least.
There was … girth.
The tingling between my legs intensified, and slickness accompanied this familiar tugging flip in my lower belly.
“Jamie,” I gasped, reaching for him.
Instead of coming down over me, his features hardened. Gripping my hips in his strong hands, he yanked me toward him. His hands moved to the back of my thighs, fingers squeezing as he lifted my lower body off the bed and forced my legs wide.
His head descended between them and then his mouth was on me.
I was flooded with sen
sation as he licked and sucked at me. Pleasure coiled tightly, deep and low, the pressure building as I undulated against his tongue. The urge to throw back my head and descend into bliss was strong, but it was turning me on even more to watch him.
I came on a scream, my body falling against the bed, my hips jerking with climax as Jamie lapped up my orgasm. At one point I was vaguely aware of Jamie leaving my body, of the crinkling sound of foil, as I melted into the mattress, my body pulsing.
Then I was being lifted under the arms, maneuvered back up the bed, and I wrapped my legs around his hips as he fell over me, kissing me. I could taste myself on his tongue. He was hard and hot between my legs, a slight pressure against my wet.
Jamie groaned, breaking the kiss, eyes on me as he pushed up onto his hands to brace himself over me. “Hold on,” he demanded hoarsely.
I gripped his waist, my panting increasing with the anticipation. “Jamie.”
He pushed against me, feeling impossibly big, and my fingernails dug into his skin. “Fuck.” His expression strained as he gently nudged in a little more.
It burned and I winced. Oh my God, he wasn’t going to fit. How was that possible? “Jamie?”
As if he’d read my mind, he gave a huff of breathless laughter. “It’ll happen. You’re just so tight.” He groaned and leaned his forehead against mine, his body trembling as he held himself suspended. “Give me a minute.”
Feeling the damp sweat coat his body, I lifted my hips upward into him. “Just do it fast,” I whispered.
“I don’t want to hurt you.”
“I think it’ll be better.” The burning pressure was uncomfortable.
Lifting his head, he stared into my eyes. “You sure?”
I nodded, my hands sliding down to rest on his waist. “Please.”
Jamie took in a breath, expression fierce. He moved his hips back, retreating slightly, and then he thrust into me hard. His guttural growl filled the room as he seated himself deep inside me. “Jane, fuck me, fuck me,” he murmured, eyes squeezed closed, face suffused with utter pleasure.
For me, it hurt. I hadn’t expected it would hurt like that. Tears burned in my eyes and when Jamie opened his and saw, his expression instantly changed from bliss to horror. “Jane,” he panted, cupping my face with one hand while he held himself up with the other. “Do you want me to stop?”
In that moment, my body did. It wanted to eject him and retreat, but my mind reminded me I loved him and that I’d read that a girl’s first time could be painful. But that it got better.
Knowing the joy I’d felt from the orgasm Jamie had just given me, I had to believe it got better. We just had to work through the awkward virginity part.
He began to pull out and I gripped him tight. “Don’t.”
Jamie hovered over me, unsure.
I gave him a reassuring smile, blinking back the tears. “Don’t stop.”
“I don’t want to hurt you,” he whispered. “I love you.”
Adoration suffused me and I relaxed, and as I relaxed, the pain receded. The sensation of him was overwhelming and it burned still, but there was a pleasure pain in it. “I love you so much, Jamie. Keep going.” I flexed my hips a little. “I want this.”
Jamie kissed me. Deep. Full of feeling. And as we kissed, he moved. It stung with the first few glides, but then it changed.
That beautiful tension built.
I gasped into his mouth and we broke apart, holding each other’s eyes as he moved in and out of me. “Jamie.” I gripped his shoulders, shifting my hips to meet his thrusts. He was hitting a place inside of me that felt amazing.
“Jane.” He pushed back up on his hands, his thrusts growing more confident again. “Fuck, Doe, you feel amazing.” His voice was guttural. “You’re fucking heaven around my dick.”
I pulsed around him and groaned.
His eyes flashed. “So tight and hot. I love your pussy.”
My breath hitched as his words caused a ripple of hot pleasure.
Jamie’s eyes widened a little and he bent over me, his lips whispering against mine as he grunted with each push into my body. “You like dirty talk, my sweet Jane?”
I think I might.
“You know what I like?” he growled, flexing his hips faster, deeper. “I like that I’m the only one who’s been inside your beautiful body. And I’m the only man you’ll ever feel inside you for the rest of your life.”
“Yes!” I gasped, my orgasm hovering on the horizon. “Jamie!”
“You gotta come, baby.” His thumb pressed down on my clit. “You’re squeezing my dick so good, I’m gonna blow. I need you to come.”
He circled my clit as he slammed into me and the tension shattered.
The sensation of coming while he was inside me was so different to anything we’d done before. I pulsed and throbbed around his hardness, milking him. It felt so good, it already wasn’t enough. I wanted more. God, it felt amazing.
Jamie clearly thought so too as he suddenly froze above me and then called out my name in a hoarse shout. His hips juddered hard against mine.
Jamie collapsed, our panting chests crashing together, as he continued to pulse inside me. He weighed heavily on me and I let out a breathless gasp. “Jamie.”
He mumbled something and then pushed off, sliding out of me with a slight burn. He landed on his back but grabbed my hand to pull me over him. My head rested on his damp chest as his fingers played in my hair and his other hand cupped my breast. His thumb stroked my nipple as we laid there trying to catch our breaths. I could hear both our hearts pounding.
“Fuck,” Jamie muttered. “I need to deal with the condom, but I don’t want to move.”
I chuckled lazily. “Don’t move. I don’t want you to move.”
He took a breath. “Are you okay?”
Lifting my head, I grinned at him. “Do I not seem okay?”
Jamie searched my face and relaxed at what he found there. “You surprise me all the time.”
“In what way?”
He squeezed my breast and I gasped as I felt renewed heat flush between my legs. “You like it when I talk to you.”
I blushed.
His voice was thick. “Sweet, shy little Jane likes it when I hold her down, likes it when I talk dirty … What else will you like?”
Getting turned on all over again, I shifted over him, my lips hovering above his. “I’m willing to try anything with you.”
His grip on me tightened. “Anything?”
“As long as it’s you.”
“Fuck, I’m getting hard again.” He pushed up, kissing me.
When we finally came up for air, he brushed his thumb over my lips, eyes holding mine. “Let’s get cleaned up.”
Thankfully, we were still alone in the house. Holding Jamie’s hand, I followed him into the bathroom and watched as he took care of the condom. My attention got him hot.
He ignored his hard-on as he placed me on the edge of the bathtub and pushed open my legs. He lowered before me with a washcloth and I saw why. There was a little smear of blood on the inside of my thighs.
“Does it make me a sick bastard that this turns me on?”
“What?”
“Knowing no one else will ever get this from you. I’ll always be your first. It’s caveman bullshit, right?” He grinned, that wicked smile of his causing a flutter of butterflies in my belly. “Guys aren’t supposed to say that shit anymore.”
“If it’s how you feel,” I said, cupping his face in my hands, “it’s how you feel.”
“How do you feel about it?”
I considered this, loving that he’d asked. That he cared. I thought about how I liked him being in control. His physical strength over me invoked some kind of cavewoman bullshit in me too. I chuckled at the thought.
He smiled at the sound. “What?”
“I’m independent because I’ve had to be,” I told him, serious. “I like making my own decisions.”
Jamie frowned. “Okay?”
“Now that I have you, you will factor in my life decisions … but they will be my decisions.”
He nodded.
“However …” I bent my head toward him, my lips brushing his. “I don’t mind handing the reins over to you in the bedroom. If you like it. I mean … I think I might really like that.”
His breathing deepened. “We’ll try. If you like it, great. If you don’t, it won’t matter to me. I’ll give you anything you need, Jane.” He coasted his hands up my thighs. “Doe, I …”
“What?” I curled my hands in his hair, playing with it.
Jamie surprised me by pressing his forehead between my breasts, his breath hot on my skin.
“Jamie?”
His arms bound tight around and worry filled me.
“Jamie?”
He exhaled and then finally lifted his head. The fierceness of his expression made my breath catch. “I’ve never loved anyone like this. It feels too much.”
My heart leapt in my chest. “I feel it too.”
It was scary. Terrifying, even. Yet it was the most exhilarating ride of my life.
“Don’t break my heart,” he growled, his fingers digging into my skin. “Don’t break my fucking heart. You break my heart … and … fuck, I’m afraid what I’ll become without you. Fuck, I shouldn’t say that.” He tried to pull away. “I’m sorry, that’s too much pressure—”
“No.” My eyes widened as I cut him off. Jamie was concerned I’d break his heart? “I feel the same way. Don’t break my heart, and I won’t break yours.” I nodded, pulling him back to me. “Promise?”
“I promise.” He kissed me hard. So hard it almost hurt. “I want you again.”
“Okay.”
“No, we can’t.” Jamie shook his head. “You’ll be sore, swollen.”
I pulsed between my legs. “I need you. I want you.”
His nostrils flared. I found the words Jamie couldn’t resist. Hauling me into his arms, he carried me back to his bed. His hands circled my wrists, holding me down, and I flushed with renewed desire. “And you’ll always have me,” he promised.
Black Tangled Heart Page 10