A Love Restored

by Goshorn, Kelly;

  Sarah prodded the bedroom door open with her elbow, placed a tray on the vanity, and immediately poured her sister a cup of tea.

  “Thank you, Sarah. You’re a godsend.”

  “Don’t thank me yet.” A brown bottle rested in her hand. “I’ve also brought the remedy. Mama’s orders.”

  Ruth Ann crinkled her nose. “Laudanum?” She hated the bitter medicine and always tried to avoid it when Mama suggested it for relief of her monthly discomforts.

  Pointing to the ceramic honey jar, Sarah grinned. “No need to fuss. I came prepared. Besides, what will your students think if you come to school with dark circles and swollen eyes?”

  Ruth Ann lifted the lid off the golden sweetener. Raising the dripper over her cup, she allowed a liberal amount of honey to glide from its grooved edges. She swished the spoon through the steaming liquid, then sipped cautiously and shuddered. “Bleck.”

  Sarah nudged a warm cinnamon roll in Ruth Ann’s direction. “You haven’t eaten since noon yesterday.”

  Ruth Ann glanced at the offering. “Mama’s orders?”

  “No, but like me, she’s worried about you.”

  “I’m not hungry.”

  Sarah pushed a stray curl behind her sister’s ear. “I’ll leave it just the same.”

  “Excuse me, ladies.” Joseph stepped inside, his arms laden with firewood. “Amos and Myra have gone home for the evening.”

  “Thank you.”

  He placed several logs in the woodbin beside the fireplace. “I’ll stoke the fire then carry Buddy outside one final time.”

  If her heartache over Benjamin wasn’t bad enough, Buddy’s sudden ailing health and inability to climb the stairs certainly provided no consolation.

  Joseph scooped the dog into his arms. “We’ll be back shortly.”

  Sarah reached for the doorknob. “Make sure you drink it all.”

  Ruth Ann lifted the cup to her mouth. “I will.” She forced a smile. “I need the rest.”

  Tea in hand, the ping of sleet and ice against the house drew Ruth Ann to the window. Relieved to be alone once more, she leaned against the glass and shivered. Maggie’s news that Ben had escorted Rose Martin to church earlier that morning still plagued her. Maggie had told her it was all she could do to keep Edward from pulverizing Ben when he’d assisted Rose into a rented buggy and drove her home. Unwelcome images of Rose Martin on Ben’s arm flashed before her. What would she do when she came across Ben in town? Or worse, Ben and Rose together? Of course, her heart would mend, in time. But not yet. It was too soon.

  The Lord is nigh unto them that are of a broken heart. She’d been repeating the verse Charlotte had shared all day, finally committing it to memory. Sipping the bitter tea, she pondered what it meant to be ‘nigh unto the Lord.’ She pictured God sitting beside her as Sarah had earlier that morning—gently rocking her and stroking her hair. Tears spilled from a well she thought long dry. “Be nigh unto me, Lord, for my heart is broken.”

  ~*~

  Benjamin sat at the Petersons’ kitchen table dunking oatmeal cookies in lukewarm coffee. Sleet plinking against his bedroom window usually encouraged him to burrow down under the covers and slumber. But tonight, it taunted him.

  He’d spent the entire afternoon in Rose’s company. Mrs. Martin had insisted he join them for Sunday supper. Thrilled at first to get a nod of encouragement from her parents, the day had dragged on. Rose was pretty to look at but not much good at conversation. At least not the kind that didn’t involve gossip. She and her mother criticized the attire of nearly every young woman at the morning service. Not to leave the men unscathed, she proceeded to disparage Elias in front of him as well. Is that how she would speak of him when they were not together? Though he didn’t think the two ladies were fond of each other, he couldn’t recall Ruth Ann ever saying an unkind word about Rose—or anyone for that matter.

  He’d tried to change the subject several times, but Rose had never heard of Twenty-Thousand Leagues under the Sea. What’s more, she didn’t like to read—anything. Not even dime novels. She’d inquired about his work as a surveyor but yawned and stared out the window, leaving him convinced of her indifference. Truth was, he couldn’t imagine enjoying himself more than the time he’d shared with Ruth Ann, reading Jules Verne together, teaching her to bake cookies, or assisting her at the Freedmen’s School.

  Rose was nothing like Ruth Ann. She might be soft and sweet like a French pastry on the outside, but inside—she was as stale and unappealing as week-old bread.

  He was a fool. What had he done? Why did it matter what anyone else thought of Ruth Ann? Especially men that meant nothing to him.

  O, God. Please heal whatever is broken in me, hindering me from sharing my life with her.

  “May I join you?”

  Lost in thought, he hadn’t heard Neil enter the kitchen. He rocked back in his chair, lifting its front legs from the wood floor. “Sure.”

  Neil poured himself a cup of coffee and joined Benjamin at the table. “Some decisions are hard to live with.”

  Benjamin’s head jerked. “You know?”

  “I saw you with Miss Martin at church. How long have you fancied her?”

  “Not long. I mean, I don’t really fancy her. She’s pretty, but she’s not Ruth Ann.” Benjamin lowered his chair. “I’ve made a huge mistake.”

  “This can be worked out, Benjamin. It may take time, but Ruth Ann will forgive you.”

  “I wish it were that simple. I love Ruth Ann, but I can’t be with her—at least not right now.”

  Neil furrowed his brows.

  Benjamin leaned forward, elbows on the table, his head resting in his hands. “I don’t know how to explain it, and frankly, I’m ashamed to admit what I’m struggling with.”

  Neil grabbed the pot from the stove and refilled Benjamin’s cup. “Well, there is plenty of coffee. Why don’t you get whatever is bothering you off your chest?”

  He raked his fingers through his hair. “I love Ruth Ann—enough that I had planned to give her my grandmother’s ring when I proposed to her. I’ve had it all this time, and although I’m confident she is the woman God has chosen for me, I’m still hesitant.”

  “Marriage is a huge commitment, son. You are taking on the responsibility for another person. Not only their physical needs, but their spiritual ones.” Neil reached for another cookie. “It’s not unusual to be cautious.”

  “That’s not the problem.” His fingers strummed the table. Would Neil understand or think him a louse? His opinion couldn’t be any worse than what he already thought of himself. He took a deep breath and forged ahead. “Her appearance is not what I desire physically in a wife.”

  Neil placed his mug on the red-checkered table covering. “You believe God is directing you to marry Ruth Ann, but you won’t because you’re not physically attracted to her—as a husband is attracted to his wife?”

  “Yes. No. I don’t know.” He paused, dragging his hand across his face. “On Christmas Eve, I surprised her in the kitchen when she was rearranging her hair. You should have seen her, Neil.” Benjamin closed his eyes, savoring the memory of holding Ruth Ann on his lap. “Mounds and mounds of the most beautiful curls I’ve ever laid eyes on. I could barely breathe let alone speak. “And when we kissed…it stirred—”

  Neil held up his hand. “Yes, I can well imagine. It doesn’t sound to me like you find her unattractive.”

  “It’s not her face, Neil. It’s…her figure.”

  Neil jerked the mug from his mouth, coffee sloshing over its edge. “Is that what you told her?”

  “No, I told her I wanted to pursue Rose Martin.”

  “Well, let’s be thankful you had the good sense to say that instead. For a moment, I feared you may be touched in the head.”

  Benjamin blew out a breath. “Most of the time I don’t think on her fuller figure one bit. Then someone will remark that she’s plump, and it dredges up memories I’d rather forget. Scornful mockery about everything from
my overweight mother to my patched-up clothes or my drunken father. I’ve worked hard, Neil. I promised myself I’d end up better off than the way I was raised and that includes the type of woman I marry.”

  Neil lowered his chin and looked at him over the top of his spectacles. “You promised yourself?”

  Benjamin shifted sideways in his chair to avoid Neil’s scrutiny. “Yes. It’s shameful to voice, but I won’t settle for a woman who others mock and nobody else wants.”

  “What makes you think nobody else wants Ruth Ann? It’s my understanding she refused a previous suitor.”

  He scoffed. James Thornton. The dandy that could give Ruth Ann everything money could buy.

  Neil took a cookie and nudged the plate toward Benjamin. “So you don’t want the woman God has chosen for you if she doesn’t turn the heads of other men and make them envious of what you have—like a fine suit or an impressive stallion?”

  Benjamin closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose. “It sounds so horrible the way you say it, but I’m afraid if I marry Ruth Ann, I’ll be heading down that same path—a path of ridicule and rejection instead of respect.”

  “Respect?” Neil wiped crumbs from his shirt. “Sounds more like you want them to envy you.”

  “No, of course not.”

  Neil raised a brow.

  Benjamin fidgeted in his seat. He heard truth in Neil’s words, yet part of him didn’t want to settle for less than he wanted. Trouble was, he wanted Ruth Ann—or at least part of him did.

  “It’s deep within a man to seek the good opinion of his peers, his neighbors, his wife, and his family. But envy will only lead to jealousy, bitterness, and regret. Respect is earned through a man’s character, not his possessions.” Neil paused, locking eyes with Benjamin over the rim of his wire spectacles. “Nor his wife’s appearance.”

  The flickering lamp light drew Benjamin’s eyes from the older man’s penetrating gaze. Truth crushed against his chest, constraining his breath. In a moment of weakness, he’d tossed aside the woman he loved to pursue a fleeting image of perfection. Why? So others would look upon him and covet what he had?

  “I’m concerned this promise you’ve made to yourself not to marry a woman whose figure is less than perfect has become a vow—a vow whose strength has replaced the truth of scripture in your heart and committed you to a course of action you now regret.”

  Heat tinged Benjamin’s skin from the inside. How could he have gotten everything so twisted?

  Neil scooted closer. “God wants you to value His opinion above that of man and to judge others by their character, not their appearance.”

  “But how—”

  “With a lot of hard work on your part. You willing?”

  Benjamin nodded.

  “Good. Let’s meet next Sunday, following the noon meal.” Neil opened his Bible and jotted several scriptures down on a piece of paper.

  Benjamin scanned the list. He’d study the verses Neil had suggested. Hopefully, in time, they would change his heart. But what good would they do his relationship with Ruth Ann? Why would she ever consider him again after the way he’d treated her?

  ~*~

  “Evening, Ruthie.”

  Ruth Ann flinched at the sound of his voice. What was he doing here? She glanced at Benjamin, her finger frozen in place where it pointed on the page. Her stomach flipped at the sight of him.

  “I-I wasn’t expecting to see you tonight, Mr. Coulter.” Why had she stammered? It sounded odd to call him Mr. Coulter again after the intimate connection they had shared. What else could she do? She couldn’t very well continue as if nothing had changed between them.

  Benjamin removed his hat and stroked the wide felt brim between his fingers. “It’s Tuesday night. We teach tonight. I came to the house for you, but Joseph informed me you’d already left. I didn’t want to interrupt your class, so I waited until you’d finished.”

  Captain Reynolds acknowledged Benjamin with a nod of his head then erased the blackboards.

  Ruth Ann bit her lip and glanced over her shoulder at the captain. He wasn’t blatantly trying to eavesdrop, but he probably couldn’t help but overhear them either. Her eyes rested on Benjamin again. “After our conversation Saturday, I had no reason to expect you this evening.”

  “I promised I’d help you teach arithmetic, and I intend to keep my promise.”

  Captain Reynolds moved to the stove in the middle of the room and banked the coals for the night. The sound of the metal poker grating against the woodstove brought a momentary distraction for Ruth Ann. It should be Benjamin banking the coals and erasing the blackboards. Why was this happening?

  Fingers trembling, she shoved the record book and lesson outlines into her satchel. “I’ve made other arrangements, Mr. Coulter, but I appreciate your willingness to help my students.”

  The captain wiped his hand against the dark blue pant leg of his army uniform. “I’m going to bring in some wood for you, Miss Sutton. Then we should be leaving.”

  “Thank you, Captain. I’ll be ready.”

  “I’d still like to help, Ruthie.”

  A cold chill scurried the length of her arms and legs. She’d rather drink two heaping teaspoons of castor oil than hear him call her Ruthie. The very sound of the endearment recalled moonlight conversations and tender kisses on her front porch.

  “Please refer to me as Miss Sutton. As I said, Mr. Coulter, I have made other arrangements for the lessons, but I will need the arithmetic books to plan for Thursday’s class. Would you please bring them by before school tomorrow?”

  “I can do that, but you aren’t having classes next Thursday are you? It’s the first of February.”

  Ruth Ann didn’t answer him. Instead, she concentrated on packing her satchel, careful not to meet his gaze. She picked up her cape. He attempted to assist her, but she stepped backward out of his reach.

  “Ruthie?”

  She fastened the last button on her cape as cold vibrations spread down her spine. Fingers splayed wide, she pulled on one glove then the other.

  His posture stiffened along with his tone. “Ruthie. Answer me. Are you holding classes on February first?”

  The continued use of the sweet nickname grated on her nerves. She wasn’t a child, and she didn’t owe him any answers. Lifting her head, she glared at her former beau. “Please refer to me as Miss Sutton.”

  Benjamin winced.

  “As for February first, the decision hasn’t been made yet, but I’m in favor of holding classes, if you must know.”

  “You are in favor of it?” He raked his fingers through his hair. “You are the most obstinate, bull-headed woman I’ve ever known. It’s way too dangerous, Miss Sutton.” He grabbed her by the elbow. “I forbid it.”

  “You forbid it?” Her jaw tightened as she struggled to maintain a ladylike tone. “You have no right to tell me what to do, Mr. Coulter. You gave up that right when you decided to step out with Rose Martin. I am no longer your concern.” She lowered her gaze to where he held her elbow and then lifted her eyes to meet his again. “Now, please unhand me.”

  Benjamin released her. Shifting away from her, he scraped his hand across the stubble shadowing his cheeks.

  Captain Reynolds finished stacking the firewood along the back wall. He cleared his throat and motioned for Benjamin to follow him.

  Benjamin extended his arm, pointing his hat in Ruth Ann’s direction. “We’re not finished with this conversation.”

  Ruth Ann rolled her eyes and flopped in her desk chair. He made her so fuming mad she was sure smoke must be coming out her ears. Why had he come anyway? If he wanted to pursue Rose Martin, why wasn’t he doing just that?

  ~*~

  Benjamin slapped his hat on his head and stomped down the steps of the schoolhouse, icy snow crunching beneath his boots. She had to be the most headstrong, hard-headed woman God had ever made. Surely, Captain Reynolds would not allow the school to be open on February first. He wouldn’t be able to sleep a w
ink between now and then if he didn’t get some reassurance.

  He followed John on the partially shoveled path that led to the main road. “Ruth Ann seems to think she will be teaching next Thursday, John. She doesn’t understand how dangerous it could be. Please tell me you aren’t in agreement.”

  “No, I’m not in favor of it. However, Miss Sutton seems quite determined. As you know, she is a stubborn woman.”

  He smirked. “You don’t know the half of it.” If this kept up, he’d have a sour stomach for sure.

  “There’s been another note, Benjamin, and security patrols found fresh foot and hoofprints near the woodshed. We’ve identified the redhaired man. His name is Frank Bender, but he’s not talking. We’ve arranged for extra patrols, especially for the evening classes.” The captain placed his hand on Benjamin’s shoulder. “She and her students will be well protected.”

  Benjamin’s stomach churned. Did Malachi sell sodium bicarbonate by the pound? “What about February first, John?”

  “Since she’ll fight me, I’m going to make an announcement at the end of class next Tuesday evening. The students will hear it and stay home.”

  He didn’t envy Captain Reynolds. Benjamin envisioned Ruth Ann’s ivory complexion veering into a lovely shade of crimson and her soft brown eyes hardening to stone. “She’s not gonna like it.”

  The captain nodded. “Well, I’m not here to be her friend. I’m here to keep her safe.”

  “I want in, John. When Ruth Ann is teaching in the evenings, I want to be here. What about her home? Is anyone watching it?”

  “Only Joseph. We don’t have the manpower.”

  “I’ll do it. Every night if necessary.” Why not? He wouldn’t be able to sleep anyway.

  Captain Reynolds stroked his beard. “All right, Benjamin, we can use all the help we can get. I don’t plan to inform Miss Sutton you’re part of the team unless she asks me directly. I need her to do what I tell her and not give me any excuses.”

  The uneasiness in Benjamin’s gut subsided. Ruth Ann had no idea how much she meant to him. It had only taken one afternoon with Rose to realize the mistake he’d made.