Courage to follow your heart

by Christina Aas

  Safely on the bus one of the camp seniors stepped up next to the driver with the microphone. “Something was wrong in the mixture used in the rocket propellant for this evenings exercise. It was an explosive combination and led to the high pressure rupture of the rocket tank as the ignition wires touched the controller card. The security officers dismantling the rocket while the incident occurred have been brought to the Santa Ana hospital. All but one have minor injuries and are already in the discharge unit. One of the officers unfortunately got a piece of plastic cut into his throat and it managed to find its way to his lungs, causing some blood to build up in his lungs. The doctors are clearing this up as we speak, but he will remain in the ICU overnight. However, we expect he should be fully recovered with no permanent injuries when this is over.” The man peered over the anxious group of students and his strict demeanor mellowed. “I hope this has not been a too traumatic experience for you all?” He looked into their eyes intently. “Anyone who wishes to speak to a professional can approach me at any time to let me know and I will set it up. We have a counselor standing by to help anyone who wants. For the time being I know it’s way past your dinner time, so we have set up a reservation at a secluded restaurant a little out of the city center. I hope everyone is okay with this arrangement?” The students nodded quietly in appreciation and thanked him for the information.

  The restaurant was actually rather cozy, despite the somber circumstances. Katie sat down next to Eric while Felicia situated herself next to Bryan. Liz sat at the end of the table. They had been quiet the whole bus ride and just looked at each other, mentally exhausted from all the impressions they were ingesting. But now they were ready for some food and some alcohol. Liz ordered a cold beer, along with Erik and Bryan. Katie and Felicia both went for a glass of red wine to still their nerves. The restaurant was oddly quiet while everyone was speaking to each other in hushed tones. The drama of the afternoon had taken its toll. For Liz it had been the tip of the iceberg. After having been worried about Kris all through midday this was too much she noticed, and she would need some alcohol for sure. She had a heck of a story to tell Kris when all this was over, but for now Kris had more than enough on her plate. Liz wondered if she was still back at campus or if she had already left for home. She decided to pass by her dorm room when they returned, to check up on her. For now she heightened her beer bottle toward the center of the table and joined in a toast with the rest of the group.

  They toasted to their team work, their safety and to the health of the injured security officers. The serious mood kept up but with a few smiles breaching through here and there when the various groups ate the delicious food and could put the events at a little bit of a distance. When finally the evening was over the chatter was constant in the bus on the return to campus, students summing up the events to each other and looking forward to calling their loved ones to tell all about it. Liz only looked forward to seeing Kris again, hoping that she would still be in her apartment when they rolled into the federal grounds.

  Liz knocked on the door and waited a bit, hearing muttered sounds from inside. The door went up and a striking redhead peered out. She was tall with a lean build, dressed in a low-cut sparkling top and tight black jeans, her voluminous red hair flowing down past her shoulders. She gave Liz a disapproving look while she glanced her over, before she stared questioningly into Liz’ eyes. “Can I help you?”

  “Is… Is Kris here?” Liz responded hesitantly while she tried to peek inside, failing in her attempt. The redhead perched her lips. “She’s in the shower right now. Should I give her a message?” She kept blocking the door when she spoke. “I just wanted to see how she was doing, and hear when she would be leaving for Canada.”

  “We’re leaving tomorrow morning” the redhead responded shortly, clearly not interested in talking with Liz. “Can I say who was here?” “I’m Liz, just a friend of hers. Are you a friend from home?” Liz asked carefully while smiling to try and relieve the tension. “I’m Carrie, her girlfriend. I’ll let her know you passed by.” The redhead closed the door slowly and Liz understood that was all she would get out of her. Didn’t Kris say that she had broken up with Carrie?

  Liz felt her heart sink when she thought about Kris maybe patching things up again with her girlfriend to help her through the tragedy. Liz had wanted to be the one to offer a shoulder to cry on or simply a person to sit next to during these terrible, heartbreaking times. But this would now be out of the question and she wondered where she fit into the picture when Kris returned from Canada, whenever that would be. Liz felt a cloud shift over her heart and a sadness settle in her body by the thought of not knowing where she had Kris and when she would be back. There was nothing she could do about it and she hated being in this position. She had a strong desire to speak with Kris, but with the over-protective redhead guarding the door this would be quite impossible. She would simply have to wait it out.

  Chapter 11

  The week went by without too many eventful situations occurring. Liz attended the mandatory lectures, spent her free time playing ball with the others, laying on the grass working on her tan or cramming for the exams with Katie and Felicia. The group had been to the local pub a few times and there had also been a couple of national nights. This was the event where several of the students got the chance to present their home country and culture, giving a presentation and serving some traditional food and drinks. It was always a successful evening with a lot of stimulating impressions at once when they typically went through four to five different countries per event.

  Liz found her thoughts continuously drifting northward to Canada and Kris, but forced herself each time to let it go and focus on the present instead. The weekend was approaching fast and there was a large group of students planning to go hiking together in the mountains. Liz had agreed to join them since this was a unique opportunity to experience some of the breathtaking national parks the US had to offer. They had a last party scheduled for this evening before they would take off tomorrow morning in several rental cars going up the mountains after a quick ride to get out of urbanity. Tonight’s party would be a masquerade, a famous event for the summer school – known for all its crazy elaborate spacy costumes. Liz had pondered the entire week on what she could make out of the rather limited supplies they had access to. A bus had luckily been set up this afternoon to take the students to a local shopping mall where they could buy some more costume equipment.

  Just after the last lecture Liz boarded the bus with Katie and Felicia, excitedly discussing various ideas for what they could go as tonight. Katie had early on figured out she wanted to go as the latest space telescope being built by NASA. She would need to construct the optical mirror and the solar panels, figuring she would just buy a ton of aluminum foil and use some cardboard material to manufacture them. Felicia, on the other hand, had some ideas about making an astronaut costume and would need a helmet she could cover with aluminum foil and some kind of one-piece outfit. Preferably she could find a pink suit since she wanted to be cute for the party. Liz was still struggling, having no clue what she wanted to be. She figured she would just wander around in the store and get inspired by the selection.

  The mall was gigantic, in European scale at least, and it took them a few hours to gather all they needed. In the end Liz went for being an alien and purchased some green gloves and a hat, attaching to it a bouncy ribbon thing with two silver balls swinging at its top. She would wear sparkling tights with a green V-neck t-shirt, hoping people would understand sufficiently her attempt at coming from a different planet.

  At home everyone was camped outside their rooms drinking beers in the afternoon sun while they cut and taped and prepared the last bits of their inventive costumes. It was hilarious to see how many different space themes people had come up with, and the mood was great while they went for dinner, to take a break in the art-making. The girls smiled when they walked into the cantina, laughing at a joke Bryan had told about a costume someone
had worn at a previous party another year. Liz felt a pair of eyes targeting her and excitedly looked around to see where they came from. But her heart sank when she recognized Reese smiling flirtatiously at her from the cashier desk and winking at her before turning around to handle the next customer.

  Liz hadn’t heard anything from Kris the whole week and it hurt not knowing how she was holding up or how she was doing. She was worried, and really wanted to see her again. Liz peered disappointedly down. When she raised her eyes again she saw to her surprise Reese grinning back at her, clearly missing the cue and continuing her flirting. Liz busied herself by taking a tray and walking over to the food counter to see what they had to offer. She repeatedly felt the eyes checking her out while she moved around the cantina between the drinks and the salad and the dessert sections.

  “You guys have the costume party tonight right?” Reese asked her when she walked up to register her food. “Yes, we’re all making our own geeky costumer right now, just taking a break for some dinner” she responded briefly.

  Reese seemingly unaware let her eyes move slowly down over Liz, caressing her breasts before they moved further down. Liz felt anger build up inside her, fueled by her frustration of not knowing how Kris was doing and being utterly helpless in the situation. She laid her hand on Reese’s and stared directly into her eyes. Reese still didn’t get the hint, and uttered grinningly; “I have a hard time imaging you will look anything at all geeky. I’m sure you’ll be incredibly sexy in whatever you put on.” Liz pursed her lips and shook her head. “Don’t, okay? Please stop. I’m not interested, sorry. I’m already taken this summer, and I find it uncomfortable that you keep flirting with me like this. So please just stop, okay?” Liz averted her eyes quickly and walked away to join the rest for dinner. That was a first for me. Wow, I can’t believe I just told someone off. Where did that come from?? I hope she’s not too hurt, that I was too abrupt. She almost turned her head to check, but stopped herself midway. Don’t, it’s not going to do any good anyway. You’d just be giving her false hope. It’s for the best now, just leave it be.

  Reese’s eyes lingered on Liz an extra time before she slowly turned her head away and welcomed the next student in line instead. “I think you disappointed her” Bryan pointed out while he looked behind Liz toward the cashier. “I’m not sure I really care”, Liz cut past him and walked out to join the others at the dinner table. Bryan was about to follow her when Erik stepped up to him. “Hey man” Erik twisted open the cap on his beer bottle, and Bryan did the same. “What’s up?” Bryan asked when Erik looked uneasy next to him. Erik was obviously holding something back. “Uhmm, I just…” Erik looked down into his beer bottle, obviously uneasy about meddling in. “What is it?” Bryan was starting to get nervous now. “I just couldn’t help notice the way you’ve been looking at Katie lately, and I thought there was one thing you should know first” Erik nervously sipped his beer. Bryan stared at him, wanting to pull the words out of him. Erik cleared his throat before continuing. “I overheard her and the other girls talking yesterday. She has a boyfriend you know. He’s back in Australia, but they’ve been together since like forever. I think it’s pretty serious.” Bryan seemed pinned in his place, staring straight ahead. Erik grasped Bryan’s shoulder and gave him a friendly tug. “Hey, are you okay?” Erik tilted his head and looked at Bryan, trying to catch his attention. But Bryan was gone, somewhere else in his mind. Erik shook his head and gave up. He walked outside to join the others.

  Marcus was just finished registering his tray, and was about to exit the cantina when he noticed Bryan standing there. “What are you thinking about? You seem to be someplace far away.” Marcus asked curiously. Bryan shook his head before turning back toward Marcus. “Just thinking about choices and how to avoid making bad ones.” Marcus looked at him quizzically, but he realized quickly that his questions would never be answered since Bryan already turned away from him with clenched fists and walked out from the campus area.

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  Bryan twirled his beer bottle between his fingers while he looked out at the street and the various passers-by who went about their California living. He was so angry with himself, angry for falling for Katie, angry for not checking first, angry for not protecting himself better. This summer had been about opportunities, following his dream for a new career within aerospace, and here he was pissing it all away over a stupid girl. He couldn’t believe he had fallen into this trap, the oldest story in the book. He took a long angry swallow from his beer and placed it harshly down on the pub counter. The surrounding guests shot him a glance, before going about their usual business again. Bryan grasped the bottle with all his strength, wanting to break its glass by shear force, wanting to feel the pain strike into his skin. I’m such an idiot. I need to forget about her, right now! I need to re-focus on what’s important this summer. I was lucky enough to win the scholarship for this program, I’m not about to waste it away over some girl. I can always find a new girl later, but this program only comes around once. He tried to convince himself while he stared into the brown swirling liquid. But deep down inside he knew it wasn’t true. He knew his heart was already hopelessly lost, and there would only be this one girl.

  Chapter 12

  Kris studied herself in the mirror, not fully recognizing the person looking back. The blank eyes were void of emotions, only filled with fatigue and painful anguish. Dark rings enveloped her bottomless expression and her skin looked a greyish pale. She felt as if she during the last few days had cried all the tears she had ever created, there were no more tears inside her, only a violent sorrow weighing heavily on her despaired heart.

  When Kris had first arrived back home she had an intense feeling of guilt, from not having been home enough during her last years of laborious studying. She had always told herself that once she was finished with her degrees, she would spend her summer vacations at home with her mother and brother. Just a few more years first… Each year the same excuse and the same empty promise. When had she become this career fixated person?

  Her mother had not been like that, she had been a homebody who had always made sure everyone was well taken care of and happy. She had made their house a home, a warm embracing place she had found solace in during her growing up and her struggle with accepting who she was. Her mom had known all along, quietly letting Kris find her own path and discover her sexuality on her own terms. Her mom had been so forgiving, her hearth seemed endless in its reach and her strength was truly remarkable. Kris wondered how she could ever live up to the memory of her, ever find the courage to be that kind of person – someone who brought people together, who tied close bonds with their nearest and made them feel like there was no one else in the whole world who meant as much as they.

  Kris thought back to how she had tackled close relationships in her life so far. She had always kept a distance somehow, made some kind of excuse to herself of why it was never the right time to commit or let her heart honestly explore the persons trying to find their way in. There had always been an invisible wall surrounding her, protecting her. Protecting me from what? Kris thought as she started to feel confused about her life choices. Things seemed different now, a new perspective was creeping into her mind and threatening to break down the wall and tear into her protective front. When someone leaves this world, what are they remembered by? Who remembers them? Who matters in the end? Kris had always been under the impression that if she could push her career far enough and gain the right connections, she would eventually reach her dream of coming up with a novel way to cure cancer using nanotechnology. This would be her mark in the world, this would be her heritage. But now Kris felt a slight fear developing deep inside. What if I never accomplish this? What do I then have to show for myself? Who will mourn me when I pass over to the next unknown?

  Her mind felt heavy, churning continuously day and night these days. Kris had what felt like a constant headache and was tired, tired of being guilty, tired of the anger and the sor
row, tired of not knowing where she should move toward in her life. It was all so confusing. Kris leaned in toward the mirror and rested her forehead on the cold surface while she grasped the table underneath. She closed her eyes and let her mind drift slowly away.

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  Kris gasped and opened her eyes wide. She had let her mind maneuver on its own and had relaxed her analyzing and thinking for just a split second, letting her guard down and listened to her heart. She was surprised at the result appearing clearly before her eyes now. Really? She’s part of this? Kris took a deep breath before letting it slowly out again. I’ll can’t deal with this now, it’s too much. My body doesn’t have the energy now. She raised herself up and turned away from the mirror, looking over at her bed and thinking she should once again try and catch some sleep.