Courage to follow your heart

by Christina Aas

  Just as she caught up, they both slowed down. “So, you’re gonna show me the stakes here, or what?” Dean waved his hand around at the vast campus area surrounding them. “Sure, I’ll begin with showing you my dorm room” Kris laughed at him and raised her elbow so he could get an extra dosage of her sweaty smell. He quickly dived down to avoid the smell. “You shower first yes, definitively. Then maybe we could take our bikes out and you could show me the town and area around?” Dean smiled with excitement, his shoulders feeling lighter than they had in days. He needed this, he felt it on his whole body. It had been too much sorrow at home, too many memories surrounding him. This escape will do me good.

  ◆◆◆

  Dean revved up his engine, and as soon as the green light guided his way he spun ahead of his sister through the crossing. It was a beautiful afternoon, orange streaks intertwined with light blue hanging low across the sky above. The temperature had lowered to a leather-jacket-can-be-worn-comfortably level, and Dean felt the wind shake the metal spikes along his jacket collar. Suddenly he noticed Kris waving her hand to signal them both to stop along the road, and he swayed his bike to follow her lead.

  They pulled up next to a local café and killed their engines. “Let’s have a quick pitstop, I’m thirsty” Kris hollered while she pulled her helmet off her head. Dean nodded and continued to remove his own helmet and gloves. The two of them stepped inside the dark café and while Dean found them a table, Kris stepped up to the counter to place the order. “Two light beers, please” she placed a ten on the counter and stepped over to her brother’s table.

  Just as she had removed her jacket and sat down across Dean, the waitress came over with two light beers dripping with cold moisture. The cooling drops were sought after, and both of them swallowed long while they devoured the light brown liquor. Just as Dean placed his half-empty bottle back down on the dark wooden scratched table, he looked across at Kris. “So, what have you been up to down here, huh? It can’t all be books and reading?” he winked at her and kicked her playfully in the leg. Kris pretended to be hurt before she sat her own bottle down alongside his. “No, but almost actually. It’s a pretty tough curriculum here, they don’t play around about this school program. But I have some time in between to enjoy a bit as well.” Kris lowered her eyes and stared at the worn-down table surface. She felt horrible for having admitted to enjoying herself, while her brother had remained back in Canada going through the estate of their mother. Dean caught her mood and gently laid his hand on her arm. “Hey you” he looked at her intensely. “You don’t have to feel bad for living your life. She wouldn’t have wanted it any other way, you hear?!” Kris slowly raised her head and looked into her brother’s kind, compassionate eyes. “It just feels wrong. But I know life’s supposed to move on, eventually. I’m just not sure I’m ready for it.” Kris shook her head and began peeling the corner of the label off the beer bottle. Dean put his hand on hers to still the motion. “I’m not sure we’ll ever be truly ready for it, but somehow it keeps on ticking anyways, regardless. So all we can do is join the ride I guess.” He brought his bottle back up to his lips for another sip, before continuing. “At least tell me you’re not lonely down here, please. I couldn’t stand for it.” He noticed a brief smile slip past her mouth, before she strangled it. “Hey, there’s what I was looking for! Who’s the girl?” Dean grinned at his sister, who now couldn’t help but wink at him before she grew solemn again. “She’s far too good for me, that’s who she is.” Dean wrinkled his brows and looked quizzically back at her. “What the heck do you mean?” Kris avoided his stare and continued fiddling with her beer label. “I’m an idiot, that’s what. I keep pushing people away.” She raised her bottle to empty out the last drops before she stood abruptly up. “Let’s ride back to campus.” Just as Dean opened his mouth to respond, his sister was already walking out toward the swing door.

  When they exited into the afternoon sun he grabbed her elbow and pulled her around to a halt. “Hey, wait a minute. What do you mean you’re an idiot?” he looked at her angrily and puzzled. Kris looked away, but he pulled one last time at her and she finally succumbed and lowered her shoulders in resignation. “She told me she loved me, and I just lay there, silent. I didn’t know what to do. I just avoided the whole thing, pretended to zone out.” Kris looked embarrassed down at the gravel beneath them. Dean squeezed her arm before he patted it and released. “It just wasn’t the time, that’s all. You’ll get there, don’t stress about it. Just please let your heart feel, okay? Don’t do like dad and wrap it all up in an armor so tight it’s unbreakable. A broken heart is better than an untouched heart. At least you know it’s there, and it works.” Dean looked over at Kris with a reassuring smile before they both stepped over to their motorcycles. “Thanks bro. I needed this” Kris hollered gratefully over at her brother, while he waved it off and smiled in return. “Too much mush, the sun must have gotten to us. Let’s ride it off, huh” he laughed and they both mounted their bikes to continue the ride back to campus.

  ◆◆◆

  Jeff raised his bottle high above their heads while they walked over toward the barbeque area. Smoke, filled with scents of blazing meat, hung in the air and his stomach growled happily to the awaiting feast. Jeff sung a song of victory for having passed their exams. Hunter walked up to them and playfully boxed Jeff in his ribs. “I take it the exam went well today?” She smiled at Liz. Liz nervously peered around her to see if Kris was anywhere around. “Hey, we’re okay right?” Hunter questioningly looked at Liz with a raised eyebrow. “Yeah, sorry. We’re good. The exam business plan task today went very well, we won this bottle of champagne which Jeff is gloating with right now” Liz grinned at Jeff before looking back to Hunter. “How did it go with you, you guys were doing something with lunar bases right?”

  Hunter laughed and her curls bounced around her head while she stepped next to Liz and joined them in walking toward the barbeques. “Yeah, something with lunar bases all right. None of the engineering task groups really nailed it, but we all had the same idea of just messing about with the exam assignment, so we were all quite inventive with what resources are available at the moon.” Hunter grinned widely and a mischievous sparkle showed in her eyes. “One group even decided that their lunar base would grow weed and this would give the necessary positive energy to the visiting researchers to develop new ideas, so their concept was an idea lab powered by weed where researchers could visit from all over the world.” Hunter laughed aloud while tilting her head back. “But don’t worry, that wasn’t Felicia’s group. They actually had a very nice concept of a robotic lunar base, which consumed very little resources and just harvested the minerals on the moon. In fact, I was a little bit jealous of their idea. They also happened to win the engineering category, so that could be an additional reason for my jealousy” Hunter winked at Liz and smiled. She braced her hand around Liz’ shoulders and hugged her briefly. Then she withdrew quickly and looked carefully over at Liz. “Is this okay by the way?” Liz smiled and squeezed her shoulder in return. “Friends, remember?” Hunter nodded. “Sure, friends.”

  Just as Hunter was about to ask Liz if she wanted another beer she noticed Liz’ attention was shifted to somewhere in the distance. Hunter moved her head in the similar direction, and noticed Kris walking in next to an equally stunning guy, both in matching leather jackets carrying motorcycle helmets. Liz’ whole face lit up and her eyes sparkled while she followed with her eyes the two of them walk in toward the barbeque area. This is not news, you already know she’s fallen for Kris instead. You’re supposed to be okay with this, remember. Now damn it, pretend to be okay. Toughen up! Hunter scolded herself before she turned away to avoid the sight.

  Kris strode determinately across the open grass field bursting with happy, drinking students, and Dean followed in her footsteps. She seemed annoyed with something, but he couldn’t quite fathom what. They’d had such a good afternoon together, riding all around the neighborhood catching up. It�
�d been a good day, a rare one lately. Dean tried to quickly look around at the students surrounding them, while struggling to keep up with Kris’ fast pace. Most students seemed to be around the same age, late twenties and early thirties. It was a large group of mixed students from various nations, he gathered from the many languages and accents he overheard along their path. Suddenly he almost stepped into Kris, as she stopped abruptly in front of the bar counter. “Two beers please” Kris uttered between tight lips. Dean noticed that she kept tilting her head and stealing glances to her right. He followed her line of sight and saw a beautiful blond girl standing across the lawn looking completely heartbroken. He swallowed hard. Could that be the one? If so, what the heck is she doing? Does she want to be an utter idiot?

  Kris turned to face Dean and pushed his beer into his chest. “Hey, calm down, okay?” He laid his hand on Kris’ chest and pushed her gently. “What are you doing? Why this pissing attitude, huh?” Kris looked once more to her right before taking a long angry sip of her beer. “Nothing, just saw something I’m not too happy about.” Dean laid his hand onto his sister’s arm to stop her from her next sip. “Hey, I’m not a mind reader, okay? I can’t interpret what the heck you’re talking about, you’ve gotta spell it out for me.” She looked at him for the first time since they’d arrived, and for a brief moment she looked confused, before she assembled herself and her sharp focus returned to her eyes. “You know the girl I was talking about earlier. Well, just as we were entering these premises it looked like she was flirting with some other girl over there.” Kris tilted her shoulder in the direction of the beautiful blond girl, who still looked completely crushed. “I guess she figured she should move on, since I can’t commit to her the way she wants me to.” Kris leaned back against the table and narrowed her brows. “Serves me right for falling for someone at a summer camp though, it’s never anything more than a fling anyways.” Dean looked across toward the sad blond girl. “That doesn’t look like just a fling to me. That girl has real feelings for you, that’s easy to see. You know, I’m sure there’s a perfectly good explanation for what you just saw. You just wanna have an excuse for getting out. But I’m not sure I wanna give you one this time. That girl looks really sweet, in fact she looks perfect for you.” Dean curled his mouth before he turned on his heel and walked straight in the direction of Liz. Kris stood behind and cursed him while she watched Liz curiously stare at her, eagerness in her eyes for an answer, but Kris didn’t feel ready to give her one yet.

  Dean walked straight up to the girl and held his hand out as a greeting. “Hi! I don’t believe we’ve met yet, I’m Kris’ brother.” Liz gaped at him for a few seconds before she managed to collect her thoughts enough to formulate a reply. She grabbed Dean’s open hand and shook it. “Hey Dean, I’m Liz. I’m a fellow student here at the summer program with Kris.” Dean quirked his mouth and winked at her. “I have a feeling you’re a little more than just a fellow student, huh?” Liz blushed fiercely and looked down at her sandals. “Ehm” she cleared her throat while Dean continued to watch her expectantly. “I’m not quite sure what Kris told you already, but you’re right. We’re more than just fellow students.” Liz shifted her foot around. “In fact, I’m in love with her.” Liz looked up at Dean with a sad expression in her eyes. He gently grasped her shoulder. “I heard something like that yes”. He put his arm around her waist and slowly led her away from the crowd. “You know she can be a handful, my sister. But you’ve gotta hang in there, okay? I promise you she’s worth it.” Liz looked over at Dean while they walked away from the music blasting from the barbeque area. “Well, I’m not sure I’ll have a chance to hang in there anymore. I have a feeling she’s pretty pissed with me right now. Why I have no idea though.” Liz looked discouraged while she bit her lower lip.

  “Yeah, what happened actually, when we arrived? I just know that Kris got real pissed real fast, but I’m not quite sure I understood why” Dean frowned heavy with thoughts.

  “The only thing I can think of was quite harmless actually, and nothing for her to be mad about. There’s this other girl here who used to have a crush at me, but I already told her a while back that I had fallen for someone else, and she has come to terms with it. Today she just stepped up to me to give me a quick hug and congratulate me with passing my exams. But that was all, I swear. I would never do anything to hurt Kris, I promise.” Liz furrowed her brows. Dean raised his hand to Liz’ shoulder and squeezed it mildly. “I had a feeling it all was a misunderstanding. But Kris can just be a bit of a rash idiot sometimes. She’s always been like this, ever since we were kids. Our dad was a bit of a jerk, you see.” Dean shrugged his shoulders. “He was never any good with emotions. Whenever he found himself in an emotional situation he would always joke his way out or walk away, never staying around to hear the other party out. It used to frustrate the heck out of our mom.” Dean swallowed heavily, and Liz stopped midway in their step. She turned toward Dean and put her hand on his shoulder. “I’m so incredibly sorry for your loss. I cannot even imagine the grief and pain you must be going through these days.” Liz grimaced and Dean pulled her in for a hug. “Thank you. You’re a real sweetheart, aren’t you?” He leaned back and smiled at Liz. “I like you” he smiled and hugged her again, tightly.

  Katie saw Bryan standing together with Nathan and Jeff, laughing at some joke Jeff had apparently just said. She walked over toward them. “Hey Bryan, could we talk for a minute?” Bryan furrowed his brows and looked over at her, annoyed. “I’m not quite in the mood right now, it’s the exam party and I’d just like to have some fun with the guys here.” He nodded in the direction of Nathan and Jeff, and took another sip from his beer bottle. “Please Bryan” Katie looked pleadingly at Bryan, while Nathan and Jeff raised their eye brows in curiosity. Bryan threw his hands down at his sides in frustration. “Fine, let’s talk, all right.” He set his beer bottle down on the table and grasped the side of her back to lead them both away from the crowd.

  “What is it?” Bryan pursed his lips and crossed his arms on his chest. Katie got nervous and stared down at the strings of grass next to the tip of her shoe. She admired how each strand of grass seemed to have its own wild heart, but jointly they all formed a perfect unison blanket in shape. Bryan coughed to steel her attention, and she finally raised her head slowly to meet his frustration. “I wanted to tell you.” Katie swallowed. “I called Roger the other evening. I broke things off with him now. I told him that we’d grown apart, and that I’d fallen for another guy here this summer. I told him I believe it’s the best for both of us if we go our separate ways. We’ve had some good years, but it’s time to move on now.” Katie almost didn’t dare to look at Bryan, but she finally allowed herself to peer over at his face. She saw his thoughtful expression. He remained silent. She grasped his arm gently. “It’s you I want to be with. I really like you Bryan.” Katie stared up at Bryan intensely. “I just hope it’s not too late?”

  Bryan shook his head and shoulders lightly and finally looked back down at Katie again. He smiled now. “You really did it?” Katie nodded fiercely. “Yes, it’s you I wanna be with. There was never any question about that, believe me. I just struggled with finding a way to end things with Roger, given our long history together and our plans for the future. But I realized that if I didn’t do this I would set myself up for a lifetime of lies and in the end it wouldn’t be good for neither Roger nor me. This is the best for all parties. We all get to follow our hearts, which ultimately is the only way to live life, right?” Bryan scooped her up into a long, warm embrace. “Yeah, it sure is the only way.”

  The two of them walked hand in hand back to the big group of celebrating friends, unable to stop their bodies bopping to the happy beats of the latest pop chart hits.

  ◆◆◆

  “Hey you”, Liz said softly when she walked up behind Kris, standing in the midst of the crowd. Dean was helping himself to a second serving over at the barbeques. Kris peered over her shoulder at Liz before s
he turned back around and continued her conversation with some of the other nanotech enthusiasts in the group. Liz grasped Kris’ arm and pulled her around toward her. “You seem angry with me.” Liz stopped and watched Kris reluctantly turn to face her. “Is it because of Hunter hugging me earlier? Because it really was nothing, okay? She was just congratulating us on our exam group assignment, that’s all. I swear there’s nothing between us, there never was. There’s always only been you” Liz looked deep into Kris’ eyes, searching for her quiet response, longing to see the smile sparkle in her emerald green eyes again. Instead she found thoughtfulness, her eyes focused on something far away as Kris stared right through Liz. Liz’ heart ached at Kris’ remoteness and she shivered when she suddenly felt cold. Why is she so difficult to get through to?

  Liz tugged an extra time at Kris’ arm to draw her attention, and she saw Kris’ gaze slowly drift back. “What are you thinking about?” she whispered. She stroked her hand lovingly across Kris’ arm while peering hesitantly up at her. In her side vision she started to notice the people around shifting their attention to the two of them.

  As Liz continued to caress Kris gently she saw Kris’ eyes shift color from the dark forest green they had been toward a Mediterranean ocean shade. Kris tilted her head and smiled a crooked smile at her. “I’m just thinking about how cute you are”. Kris leaned down and kissed Liz, right in front of everyone. Liz tried to pull away, but Kris grasped her around the waist to pull them tighter while continuing the intense kiss. Liz heard cheers and clapping in the distant around them. I guess I’m out of the closet now. She finally pulled away and stared at Kris, frustration and pain tugging at her heart. How can I get her to open up to me instead of just running away from her thoughts and playing these games?