Play For Me
Page 11
Now I was truly on my own. Loneliness gathered around me like a black cloak, and I wondered what I’d do with myself. I knew I could always visit the sorority, and I would. I also knew Stacy and Annabelle would never desert me. But nothing would ever be the same as it had been before I reconnected with Jack Whitehorse for one unforgettable night.
Nothing. Would. Ever. Be. The. Same.
Nothing.
As though I’d lost control of my will, I found myself in front of my computer pulling up Balefire’s official website. Reduced to cyberstalking, I checked out the band’s current tour and discovered that over the holidays, when I’d been too busy to watch television, Balefire had guested on late-night TV. A link on their website took me to the recordings of their performances, and I couldn’t help myself. I had to watch.
There they were, all four of them seated on Jimmy Fallon’s studio couch, chatting about their upcoming tour through Asia. Dakota and Blu did most of the talking, so the cameras focused on them. When Jack came on screen, I paused the recording and stared at him. He looked so at ease, so beautiful. As I catalogued his features, my mind drifted to our baby, and I wondered if he or she would look more like Jack or like me. His sculpted cheekbones and square jaw would be striking on a boy or a girl. His light brown skin combined with my auburn hair and gray eyes would be gorgeous. His long-sleeved T-shirt stretched over defined muscles, and I hoped our baby would inherit his strength.
I placed my hand on my belly and felt a tiny fluttering. “Oh, Jack,” I whispered, “our baby’s moving. It feels incredible. Like butterfly wings.” I closed my eyes and let myself daydream that if Jack were with me now, he’d be thrilled to feel the baby moving inside me for the first time. Our baby. I knew better, of course. But for a little moment, I indulged in my new favorite fantasy.
As usual, my emotions threatened to overcome me, so I hit play again on the computer, and the recording skipped to the band on stage debuting their newest single. Blu had made a big deal about how Jack had written the tune, so I cranked up the sound on my computer.
The song opened with a blistering guitar solo. Even though I’d only talked to Dakota for a couple of minutes once, I knew from following the band what a showman and attention hog he was. Jack opening his song with Dakota’s guitar showed how tight he was with the band. After a few bars, Dakota turned it down enough for Blu to sing the lyrics. Jack supplied the harmonies, a fact that still stymied me. We’d dated for months, and he’d played his rhythms every time we were together, either on an actual drum set or on the steering wheel and dash of his truck or on a desktop with or without drumsticks. He’d even work out rhythms with his hands and fingers on my back as he held me, and sometimes when he was being especially playful, on my ass. I smiled at the memories.
However, in all those times, I’d never once heard him sing. Now, as I listened to his song, I lost myself in the beauty of his tenor voice softly backing Blu’s melancholy baritone. The music itself mesmerized me so much at first that I didn’t pay attention to the words until I heard, “Our love lost in opportunities.” That line hauled me up short.
I scrolled the recording back to the beginning of the song and listened intently to the words.
You were everything I ever wanted.
You were everything I ever needed.
But I let my dreams get in the way.
You were everything I ever wanted.
You were everything I ever needed.
Such a damn high price to pay.
And now I’m missing you every day.
Life on the road is long.
I’m so far from my home.
I can’t return in my memories.
Havin’ you by my side,
You don’t know how hard I tried.
Our love lost in opportunities.
You were everything I ever wanted.
You were everything I ever needed.
But I let my dreams get in the way.
You were everything I ever wanted.
You were everything I ever needed.
Such a damn high price to pay.
And now I’m missing you every day.
Jack dropped the hammer on the tom-toms on the “havin’ you by my side” lyric, a rhythm I knew and understood. The tom-toms had always drawn me to him when he played back in high school, and I couldn’t help but respond to their sound and key on the lyrics accompanying them.
I repeated the song, this time catching Jimmy Fallon’s introduction. “We’re so excited that Balefire’s debuting their new song with us tonight. Give it up for ‘Missing You.’” I focused my ear on the lyrics rather than on the rhythms of Jack’s drums, and something inside me broke. When the song ended, I dashed the heel of my hand at the tears silently flowing down my face. Jack’s song, so sorrowful, so powerful, Blu’s voice, so melancholy, tore at me. Someone had come along after me and broken Jack’s heart. Boy, did I know how that felt.
Somehow knowing I needed comfort, my little one fluttered inside me again, and I sniffed back my tears. Jack Whitehorse had broken my heart—twice—but he left me something special to remember him by. As much as my baby had already disrupted my life, and as much as I could imagine she or he would continue to disrupt it, the little person growing inside me made me truly happy. My baby’s response to my distress over Balefire’s new song proved to me the two of us were already a team. Life might have taken a hard ninety, but maybe this new direction was where I was meant to go.