by L.H. Cosway
“Did you know?” My voice was choked.
Leanne frowned. “Did I know what?”
“Did you know that you were pregnant?”
Her tone was sharp. “Of course I didn’t know! You think I’d keep something like that from you?”
“You’re not exactly the most open person in the world,” I replied and immediately regretted it when she gave me an utterly glacial look.
Leanne drew a deep breath, her normally bright blue eyes bloodshot and dull. “That’s not fair.”
Again, I reached out to touch her but she recoiled like I was diseased. She closed her eyes. “Please, don’t.”
“Why won’t you let me touch you?”
“Because it just reminds me of how we got into this mess in the first place. I don’t think I can be with you anymore, Cal,” she blurted, and just like that, the knife at my throat pressed in, drawing blood.
I shook my head. “You don’t mean that.”
She opened her eyes. They were steady, unwavering. “I do mean it. I always knew we’d end badly. I should’ve trusted my instincts.”
Agony twisted around my organs. “You’re breaking me in two here.”
Her words were barely audible as she stared at the floor, her voice watery. “I’m sorry. I really am.”
“You’re not in the right frame of mind to be making this kind of decision.” I refused to accept this. I couldn’t.
She swallowed as if for courage, for a second seeming fragile before the steel shutters came down. “That’s not true. In fact, my head has never been clearer. I can’t be with you anymore. Every time I’m with you I’ll be thinking of what we lost, and it hurts so much to think of it.”
She was making a rash decision, and no matter how clear she thought her head was, she was wrong. She was in pain and lashing out. I needed to be calm, patient, but that was hard when my impulses fought tooth and nail against my logic.
“Don’t fight me on this, Cal,” she begged.
“I’m not fighting you.”
“Then please, just go.”
I saw the desperation in her and logic won out. She was drowning, but for whatever reason, she didn’t want my help swimming to the surface. I felt completely and utterly useless. Disposable. And I knew there was no talking to her. Not right now.
Without another word I turned and left, leaving my heart behind on the hallway floor.
Chapter 1
Leanne
PRESENT
Don’t judge, but sometimes I liked to re-watch the final rap battle scene from 8 Mile. It helped when I was in a particular mood, or having a particular kind of day. Or when I had to deal with a particular someone.
That someone being Callum Davidson, my co-star/ex-lover.
I also liked to re-watch the poem scene from 10 Things I Hate About You, but that was for a whole different type of day. And don’t even get me started on Heath Ledger’s “Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” scene. That right there was a mood.
Some people had sound tracks for their lives. I had a memorized library of movie clips.
But yeah, today was an 8 Mile sort of day.
It was Cal’s birthday, and I was going to need all my mental armour to attend. This year he’d chosen a forest party to celebrate the occasion. Sometimes he could be kind of pretentious. I used my phone as a flashlight while our new assistant, Michaela, and I trudged along a dirt path trying to locate the party.
“Maybe we should go back and call James for better directions,” Michaela suggested. “I can’t get a single bar on my phone out here.”
“No, we’ll keep going for a little bit. It’s got to be around here somewhere,” I said.
No matter the situation, I had a problem with giving up. There was just something in me that refused to quit, and it often worked to my detriment. Like say, getting lost in the middle of the woods and being eaten by wild animals. Or continuing to work on the reality TV show that also starred my ex.
Constantly being around someone who hurt you, and hurt with you, was a painful experience. One I was still living in.
I was now accustomed to it though. Emotional turmoil was as familiar as the collection of scars and callouses on my body from years of freerunning.
“I think I can see lights up ahead,” Michaela said.
My stomach tightened. I was here purely out of loyalty to the group. James, Paul, Trevor, Isaac, Cal and I were the six stars of the popular reality TV series, Running on Air. All of us were experienced in parkour, freerunning and urban exploration, and each season we tried to create bigger and better stunts.
In a couple weeks, we’d start filming the season four, so we were currently enjoying some down time. I hadn’t seen Cal in a five weeks, (long story), so I anticipated tonight would be an experience. Whenever we didn’t see each another, we built up a reserve of antagonism and desire. Then when we were finally in each other’s company, we let rip.
It was exhilarating yet exhausting. Too addictive to give up. I’d tell myself tomorrow was the day I wouldn’t take Cal’s bait anymore, and every time tomorrow came, I said tomorrow again.
It was completely dysfunctional. I was aware of that. But weren’t junkies also aware that they were addicted to drugs? It didn’t mean they were going to quit. Besides, this was how our relationship had been for a long time, and it was hard to fix old flaws.
When Paul and I first joined the cast of Running on Air, Cal and I developed something of a rivalry. Midway through filming the first season, that rivalry turned to lust, something that had always bubbled under the surface between us. The lust led to heartache and loss. I pushed him away, he pulled me back. We fought, broke up, then found our way back to each other again. Wash, rinse, repeat. Fighting was natural to us. It meant we didn’t have to acknowledge other issues and pain.
Over the course of almost four years, I’d taken a chance with him three times, and three times it ended in heartache. The first breakup was the hardest. The second added another crack, and the third, well, the third taught me never to be a fool again. It had been a year since I was last with Cal. I was strong now, and the control felt good, safe. Cal made me wild, he made me take risks, and I wasn’t going back to that ever again.
“How long do you think we’ll be out here?” Michaela asked, swiping away a midge.
“We can leave early if you want. I just need to show my face for an hour or so,” I replied, and she seemed relieved.
Michaela started working with us a couple weeks ago. She was perfect PA material, organised to a T. Our other assistant, Neil, was still training her in, but she already felt like an integral part of the group. She also felt like a friend, and in my world, female friends were few and far between.
Michaela was a tad OCD, but in this line of work that was a positive thing. She was also very prim and proper, so it was no surprise she didn’t seem too comfortable attending a party in the middle of the woods. With her neat ponytail, pencil skirt, cardigan and ballet flats, she hadn’t exactly dressed for the occasion.
I, however, had come in jeans and a hoodie. Casual attire was my usual, but I also didn’t want to dress up and give Cal the idea I was trying to impress him.
Fairy lights came into view, leading to an open space surrounded by trees. I had to admit the party was impressive, especially since the location was so remote. There was a makeshift bar and a DJ booth. People were dancing and drinking, lots of barefoot girls dressed up like hippies and blokes with no shirts on.
“Is this legal?” Michaela asked, taking it all in.
“I have no idea. Come on. I think I spotted James and Paul over by the bar.”
Her eyes lit up. I’d noticed she had a little bit of a crush on James, but I was pretty sure he was oblivious. It was a good thing, too, since he was getting married to his long-term girlfriend, Diana, later this year. Michaela clearly didn’t plan to act on her crush, but I felt bad for her all the same. I knew what it was like to want someone you couldn’t have. Or, well, someone it
wouldn’t be healthy for you to have.
Cal and I were like Sid and Nancy, albeit, the less crazy, less famous version. When we were together, we burned bright but always self-destructed in the end. Nowadays we just tried to endure each other’s company for the sake of our jobs.
Paul had his back turned to me, so I tapped him on the shoulder.
He turned around, grinning, and pulled me into a hug. “I thought you weren’t going to show. Callum’s been in a right mood.”
“Don’t blame me. It’s not like it makes a difference to him if I’m here.”
“We both know that’s not true,” Paul said, eyeing me meaningfully.
Paul and I were best friends. We’d met years ago, when we were just a pair of teenagers who loved parkour and had bonded over our dreams to do something bigger with our lives. With his red hair, bright-blue eyes and handsome features, people were always surprised to discover I’d never fancied him. But Paul was a dreamer, and well, a little quirky. Those were appealing attributes in a friend, but not so much in a boyfriend. Then again, I didn’t exactly have great taste in men. Cal being exhibit number one.
And speak of the devil… I spotted him sitting at a table with Trevor and his girlfriend, Reya. On the other side of him was Isaac and James’ fiancée, Diana. As soon as Callum and I locked eyes, he rose and strode toward me. My pulse sped up the closer he got.
“You’re late.” He spoke low, and I shivered. His voice had always been one of my weaknesses.
My eyes wandered over him, from his sleeve tattoos to his ripped jeans and black T-shirt. He was every inch the sexy bad boy, every inch a cliché, and yet, I’d been a sucker for him from the start.
“Michaela and I got lost,” I complained. “I’m surprised anyone managed to find this place. It’s the middle of nowhere.”
He gave a slight grin. “Yeah, sorry about that.”
He lifted his foot to show a pair of brand-new Puma Faas 500s. They were Callum’s favourite trainers for running in, though personally I preferred my Asics Onitsuka Tigers. They had better grip in my opinion.
“Thanks for these. Paul said they were from both of you.”
Did he now? Paul was a little meddler, and I was going to have a word with him. I hadn’t bought Cal anything for his birthday. Mostly because I couldn’t think of what to get him. Everything felt either too personal or not personal enough. So, in the end I went with nothing.
“Um, yeah, happy birthday.”
“And what about my birthday hug?” he went on, a flirtatious glint in his eye.
I looked around for an escape, but everyone else was occupied. Reluctantly, I stepped forward and brought my arms around his neck for a quick friendly hug. Then without warning he pulled my body flush to his. A whoosh of air escaped me, and his smell invaded my senses. He always smelled like soap and well, something that was uniquely him. His skin had its own scent, a clean muskiness, and for a second I couldn’t help sinking into him.
I miss his smell, the unbidden thought jolted me to my senses. I reminded myself that I hadn’t seen him in five whole weeks. More specifically, why I hadn’t seen him.
I straightened and stepped out of his arms. “Probably not a good idea.”
He scratched his jaw and looked away. There was a flicker of shame behind his magnetic eyes when he brought them back to me. “You know I’m sorry for what happened, right? I was in the wrong and you didn’t deserve to be at the centre of all that drama. I’ve wanted to come over to your place every day since to apologise properly, but Barry warned me off trying to see you.”
Barry, our director, could be a bit of a hard bastard, and he wasn’t shy in putting his foot down. In this case I was glad of that. After the scene he caused, Cal was the last person I’d wanted to see. Only now that the storm had settled could I bring myself to be around him. I’d been upset for days before I finally got my anger under control.
When I didn’t speak, Cal continued, “I’ve not been drinking. Trev suggested I cut back. Get my head on straight.”
Cal always listened to Trev. He was like the big brother he never had and one of the few people who could make him see sense at times. “Oh? How’s that been?”
His expression was self-deprecating. “Rough. I’ve limited myself to two drinks a night from now on. That way I can’t get too…out of control.”
“Seems like a good idea.” He’d definitely been out of control the last time I saw him.
“Yeah.”
A silence fell. I didn’t know what to say, and Cal didn’t seem in any rush to leave, still standing there staring at me, those green eyes of his bright with possibility. I could see the cogs turning in his head clear as day, like he was conspiring against me. Seduce me or tear me down. It was usually one or the other, though the twinkle in his eye said tonight it might be the former.
I was relieved when Michaela showed up, phone in hand.
“Oh, you’re together. Good. I just received an email from Legal that both of your contracts are being renewed. You need to attend a meeting at nine tomorrow morning.”
As soon as she said it, relief swept over me. Everybody else’s contracts had been renewed over a month ago. Mine and Cal’s were scheduled to be renewed, but then the big drama happened and the channel postponed our meetings. I’d been driving myself crazy, wondering if all the negative press meant they’d decided to kick us off the show once and for all. My agent, Tanya, reassured me Season Four was a go, and that they were just ironing out a few details. It turned out she was right and all my worrying had been for nothing.
“Good news, eh?” Cal said and I suspected he was just as relieved as I was.
I nodded before something occurred to me. “Wait, why are we both being put in the same meeting? We normally discuss our contracts separately.”
Michaela gave me a perplexed look. She didn’t appear to know the answer.
Cal shoved his hands in his pockets, his expression remorseful. “I’m sorry about the delay. It was all my fault.”
I eyed him steadily. “Yeah, it was.”
He blew out a breath and gave a flat chuckle. “Tell it to me straight why don’t you.”
Some of the anger I’d worked so hard to let go of the last few weeks resurfaced. “Do you expect me to take it easy on you? You could’ve gotten us both fired.”
His remorseful expression deepened. He looked like he was about to say something else when Paul joined us.
“Cal! I have a challenge,” he said as he threw his arm around my shoulders.
A hint of annoyance thinned Cal’s lips into a hard, straight line. He’d always been irritated at my and Paul’s closeness, even though there was never anything romantic between us. In fact, our friendship had been the catalyst to one of my break-ups with Cal. He discovered Paul spent the night at my place and lost his shit. He never could quite get his head around the fact that we were friends and nothing more. Paul might as well have been a girl.
“Oh yeah? What’s the challenge?” Cal questioned. I noticed his attention going to where Paul’s arm rested on my shoulder.
Paul, either oblivious to Cal’s hostility or deciding to ignore it, gestured to a gigantic oak tree about ten yards away. “The first one to climb to the top wins.”
“But what does the winner get?” I asked with interest. Wagers always got my blood up. I loved challenges, both as a spectator and a participant.
Paul shrugged. “Bragging rights.”
“How about the loser has to do the winner’s dirty laundry while we film Season Four?” Cal suggested, smirking as he held my gaze.
I was reminded of a bet we’d made a long time ago. In fact, making bets was sort of our thing. Maybe that was our problem from the beginning. There always had to be a winner and a loser.
“We’ll be staying in a guesthouse with a laundry service,” Michaela put in.
“I have a good one,” Paul said. “The loser has to strip down to their undies and run around the forest doing a primal scream.”
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“Is that a punishment? I love a good primal scream, and I look fantastic in my undies. Don’t I, Leanne?” Cal winked at me.
I arched an eyebrow. “Modest much?”
His grin was wolfish. Somebody was definitely in the birthday mood.
“Well, are you in?” Paul nudged.
“Yes, I’m in,” Cal replied, and they headed for the tree.
A group gathered to watch them, while Reya, Trev’s girlfriend, came to stand next to me.
She nodded in the direction of Cal and Paul’s antics. “What’s going on there?”
“They’re having a bet on who can climb to the top first.”
“Of course they are.” She paused as she took me in. “How have you been?”
I shrugged. “Touch and go. Mostly I’m all right.”
She gave me an empathetic look. Reya knew all about the ongoing drama between me and Cal. She’d come on the road with us while we filmed Season Three and experienced it for herself first-hand. At least no one could ever say life with us wasn’t eventful.
“Has Callum apologised for the TV Choice Awards?” she asked.
I blew out a long breath. “Yes, actually. He seems pretty ashamed.”
“Good. A little bit of shame will do that boy good.”
“Here’s hoping.”
We watched Cal and Paul for a minute before Reya spoke again, “Trev said you and Michaela have been getting along.”
I nodded. “It’s definitely nice to have some oestrogen in the group. Sometimes I feel like I’m going crazy around all the guys. Jo decided she wanted to try being a stay-at-home mum for a while, so we needed to find a new assistant. I liked Michaela as soon as she walked into the interview.”
Reya lifted an eyebrow. “Oh?”