by L.H. Cosway
“That’s not the point.”
He arched a brow, lips twitching. He was clearly enjoying my fluster. “What’s the point then, gorgeous?”
“Don’t call me that, you know it makes me weak.”
“That’s funny, because you make me feel invincible.”
I folded my arms and huffed a breath, while at the same time my heart did tiny somersaults. “Now you’re just being silly.”
Cal stood from the bench and approached me. Kev was on the other side of the studio, cleaning his instruments. “Leanne, believe me when I say this, because I won’t repeat myself. I think you’re incredible. These last two months I’ve seen just how talented and funny and smart and brave you are. I’m literally in fucking awe of you. So, if I want to memorialise that awe with a tiny tattoo of a crown, then that’s what I’m going to do.” He paused, smirking as he teased, “Now get over yourself.”
I shook my head, exasperated, irritated, and charmed all at once. “No, you get over yourself,” I shot back grumpily.
Cal chuckled, the sound low and sexy as he wrapped his arms around me and pulled me close. “Don’t ever let anyone put you in charge of comebacks, because you fail at them. Big time,” he said, all playful.
I was about to disagree when he shut me up with a kiss, and I let out a soft, dreamy sigh. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I had a premonition our road would be a rocky one, but I pushed that thought aside for now and focused instead on his kiss. His kiss was better than jumping fifteen feet to land in a perfect roll. It was better than a triple backflip performed in front of a captivated, adoring audience.
His kiss was better than running on air.
* * *
Read on for the first 2 chapters of Callum and Leanne’s full-length novel, Off the Air, coming on March 5th, 2019.
Prologue
Callum
Three years ago
Leanne blew me away. Her movements were lithe, fluid, fucking graceful.
We were in the London docklands, filming on top of hundreds of sea cargo containers. Giant coloured blocks went on as far as the eye could see. You could jump from one to the next like you were running through a game of Tetris.
We were all in our element.
I chased after Leanne, with Trev, James and Paul just behind me. Some of the film crew were situated on cranes so that they could capture us from up high. It was a pure adrenaline rush. Leanne twisted around to wink at me before she precision-jumped ten feet through the air, then made a perfect landing on the next block of containers.
I swear, she was the most perfect, wild, free thing I’d ever seen.
Trev caught up to me, his smile wide. Like me, these were the moments he lived for, the rush. None of us felt more alive than when we were doing parkour.
“She’s in the zone today, isn’t she?” Trev said, breathless.
I flashed him a grin and kept going. When Leanne ran, there was a pull deep inside that urged me to follow. Up ahead, she’d almost reached the end of the block and was readying herself for another precision jump. She leapt fluidly through the air, but then, something went wrong.
“Leanne!” I roared, fire blazing through me.
Time moved in slow motion. Every part of me rejected what I saw. Leanne had miscalculated the distance of the jump. Her body slammed into the container with a soul- crushing, metallic clang, her hands gripping the edge as she struggled to hold on.
I’d never been so terrified as my body sprang into action, propelling me forward with the need to get to her.
Within seconds I’d made the jump, and I pulled her up to safety, my arms cradling her body. “Jesus Christ.” I stared into her wide, blue, terrified eyes.
She was pale as a ghost, like she couldn’t believe what just happened. Shock rippled through both of us in a tangible wave.
“Are you okay? Are you hurt?” I asked, frantic, as the others reached us.
“Callum,” someone said, but all my attention was on Leanne.
She opened her mouth, but no words came out. The sight of her slamming into the container kept playing on repeat in my head.
“Callum,” someone said again. I realised it was Paul, but I couldn’t pull my focus away from her. I needed to know she was okay. I needed to hear her say the words.
Leanne’s eyes trailed down to her lap and I followed their descent. Something dark and wet stained her jeans. There was a moment of disconnect before I realised it was blood.
She was bleeding.
Panicked, I picked her up and moved by pure instinct. I had no idea how I got us down to the ground. All I knew was we were suddenly surrounded by crew members. Leanne was so unnaturally quiet, and it killed me to know she was in pain. I couldn’t think straight, my head too wild. Why was she bleeding? Had she been cut when she slammed into the container? Had she broken something?
The ambulance arrived, and a paramedic asked very gently if I could let go of Leanne. In the end, Trev and James pulled me off her. They put her on a stretcher, and I followed them into the ambulance. Everything they said was medical talk, and it made no sense.
“What’s wrong with her?” I asked, tugging on strands of my hair in agitation.
“We don’t know yet,” the paramedic replied, her expression sympathetic and kind.
Just fucking help her, I wanted to yell. Until this moment, I hadn’t known just how much I felt for Leanne. I knew I lusted for her and that she was constantly in my head. But the idea of losing her never occurred to me, and it was the scariest feeling. I refused to accept it could happen. She meant more to me than just sex. We’d only been sleeping together for a few months, but she was in my head and my heart now.
At the hospital they wouldn’t let me go any further than the waiting area. It was only when I sat on the uncomfortable plastic chair that I realised I was covered in Leanne’s blood. The sight of it made me feel raw and chaotic inside, like I could thrash the world.
When everyone else arrived at the hospital, I had no answers for them. They wanted to know if Leanne was okay. I didn’t know. A sharp, heavy weight pulled on me. It took me a second to realise it was fear.
Everything I was made of rebelled against the idea of her not being okay.
About an hour passed. Trev took me into the bathroom to clean up, handing me a clean shirt.
“Where did you get this?”
“Gift shop.”
“Right. Thanks.”
“Cal?”
“Yeah?” My voice was flat as I pulled some paper towels from the dispenser.
“There’s something between you two, isn’t there?”
I exhaled heavily, my entire body slumped, and nodded. Trev swore.
“Right now, I just need to know if she’s okay. You can shout at me for being stupid all you want later.”
“That’s not what I—”
I left the bathroom before he had a chance to finish talking. A doctor approached Paul and James, her face grave.
“Are you Miss Simmons’ family?” she asked.
“We’re her friends,” Paul replied. “Her parents are on their way.”
“I’m her boyfriend,” I announced, and everyone’s expressions seemed to ask the same question, You are?
“Oh,” the doctor replied. “In that case, we should talk in private.”
I nodded and followed her to a small office room. She closed the door and levelled me with a kind expression. “Mr…?”
“Davidson. Callum Davidson.”
“Callum, were you aware that Leanne was pregnant?”
Just like that, my world stopped turning. My pulse pounded in my ears like I was under water. It took me a second to properly digest what she said.
When I didn’t reply right away, her tone softened. “Leanne has suffered a miscarriage, but she’s in a stable condition right now. She’s also broken two of her ribs…”
The thoughts in my head were so loud they sounded out the rest of what she said. I turned and left the room, walked to th
e end of the corridor, then slid down onto the floor. I was going to be sick. Hands on my stomach, I willed myself to keep my lunch down.
“What the…what the hell?” I said out loud, confused and hurt. My voice didn’t sound like mine.
I clenched my fist and punched the floor as I cursed at the top of my lungs, “Fuuuuck!”
A door opened, and a nurse stuck her head out to shoot me a concerned look. I stood and found an exit, pushing my way outside. My throat was heavy, my chest on fire, like something was trying to claw its way out. A man stood by the exit, wearing hospital scrubs and smoking a cigarette.
I rubbed a hand down my face. “Can I get one of those?”
“Sure,” he replied, handing me a smoke and a lighter. I lit up, gave him back the lighter and took a long drag. I never smoked. My mum did and I was always on at her to quit. But how I was feeling right now, in the absence of alcohol or hard drugs, some nicotine would have to do to.
How the hell could Leanne be pregnant? How could we not know?
Wait…did she know?
The thought of her hiding something like this from me made me feel unhinged. I refused to accept it. She wouldn’t do that. She couldn’t…
I was the bad guy here, not Leanne. I hated myself for doing this to her and I hated how the entire situation felt so out of my control. She’d been pregnant with our child, and now she was lying in a hospital bed and our baby was gone. Our baby I didn’t even know existed. My eyes filled with tears as I choked down a furious drag of the cigarette. It tasted like ashes on my tongue. I stabbed it out and stomped back inside the hospital.
I needed to see her, to hold her, tell her how fucking sorry I was.
I used to think life was hard, but I’d never known pain like this.
Earlier today we’d been running like we hadn’t a care in the world. Then just like that, it all came crashing down.
I found Leanne’s room, but through the narrow pane of glass, I saw that her parents and sister were already inside. I couldn’t go in there, couldn’t face them when I knew this was all my fault. What do you say to the family of the girl you got pregnant? We were both way too young to become parents. Being a dad wasn’t something I’d even considered yet. So why did it feel like someone had just torn out one of the most vital parts of me? Like a clawed hand had ripped my heart right out of my chest? Like I’d just lost a person I’d loved my entire life? A tiny little possibility of a person that I’d now never get the chance to know.
I skulked at the end of the corridor until I saw them leave. Her parents walked ahead but her sister spotted me. I swallowed down my guilt to face her. Leanne’s older sister, Lorna, was her complete opposite, long blonde hair, girly clothes, lots of make-up. Unlike Leanne, she was open and friendly, always smiling. Leanne was wary, difficult, suspicious of strangers, sarcastic, perfect.
I knew she’d told her sister about us when I saw her face. “Callum,” Lorna said, her voice full of sympathy that made the fire in me burn hotter.
“How is she?” I asked, scratching the back of my neck in agitation. My voice didn’t sound like mine.
Her sister inhaled a deep breath. “She’s…still a little out of it. You should go in and see her.”
“I’m going to, I just…wanted to wait until you and your folks were gone. I’m the last person you want to see.”
Her blue eyes, the only part of her that was like Leanne, turned sad. “This was an accident, Callum. It’s nobody’s fault.”
Tell that to the guilt eating me up inside.
When I didn’t say anything, she came forward and threw her arms around me. I barely knew her, but something about her warmth eased some of the fire. She stepped back, her expression earnest as she gave my shoulder a soft squeeze. “I can tell that you care about my sister. Go see her. Talk to her. She needs you right now. You need each other.”
With that, she went, and I stood glued to the spot. Forcing my feet to move, I went to Leanne’s room and hesitated outside the door.
Just fucking go inside. I dropped my forehead onto the hard panel surface, drew a deep breath, then pushed it open. Leanne lay in the narrow bed, wearing a hospital gown, her short hair pushed back from her face. I expected to find her awake, since her parents had just been here, but she’d nodded off.
She looked so small.
I hated that she was suffering, wished with every fibre of my being that I could swap places with her.
Then my mind went to a much more painful place. If we hadn’t been filming today, if she hadn’t taken that jump, our baby would still be alive.
No, don’t think it.
It was futile to wallow in what ifs, and yet, I was drowning in them, my heart and soul wishing to be transported to an alternate reality. Anything would be better than this.
Leanne’s eyes flickered open. “Cal?”
In a flash, I was by her side. I sat on the chair next to her bed and took her hand in mine. “I’m here.”
Just like that, she started to cry. I couldn’t take it. Rising from the chair, I climbed into the bed beside her and, careful not to move her too abruptly or damage any of the bandaging around her ribs, pulled her into my arms. She turned her face into my chest and wept. I cried, too. For a long time, we stayed like that, drowning in our shared misery.
When I spoke, my voice was choked, broken. “How can it hurt this much to lose something you didn’t even know you had?”
Her reply was hollow. “It just does.”
I had to force myself to ask the next question. “How long were you—”
“Three months,” she replied stiffly.
Jesus. My voice went so quiet it was almost a whisper. “Do they know if it was a boy or a girl?”
Leanne stiffened again. I knew my questions were making her hurt more but I had to know.
“They can’t tell this early.”
We were both quiet for a long moment. I ran my hands up and down her arms and she sank into me. “I think she was a girl.”
“Cal,” Leanne begged. “Please don’t. I can’t…”
“Hush,” I murmured. “I know, I know.”
“I should’ve been more careful with that jump,” she said, trembling, tears streaming down her face. “If I’d just—”
“If this is anyone’s fault, it’s mine,” I interrupted, full of self-hatred. “I should’ve been wearing condoms.”
“I was on the pill, but I think I missed a day, this is all my f— “_
“No,” I refuted. “I’m older. I shouldn’t have been so careless, so selfish.”
She squeezed my hand. “Cal.” The quiver in her voice when she said my name shut me up. She didn’t need to hear my self-recriminations right now. There was nothing either of us could do to change this and talking only made it hurt more. So, I shut my mouth and held her. I must’ve drifted off because some time later I felt a tap on my shoulder. I blinked my eyes open. It was a nurse.
“Visiting hours are over, pet. You have to go,” she said quietly.
It hurt to tear myself away from Leanne, but I knew she needed rest, and this bed was barely big enough for one person, never mind two. I climbed out, then fixed the covers over her. I stroked her hair away from her face and pressed a kiss to her forehead.
It killed me to leave. I walked to the door and the nurse’s expression was sympathetic. A lot of people insisted they didn’t want sympathy, but I did. Her look said I’m sorry for what happened to you, but it will get better. I needed looks like those, because everything inside of me screamed that the opposite was true. Our lives were changed now, and no matter how much we might want it, this was never going to get better.
I barely slept that night.
With dark circles under my eyes and still wearing the same clothes as yesterday, I headed to the hospital first thing. When I reached Leanne’s room, it was empty. The nurse who’d woken me last night stopped by, her voice gentle.
“Her parents took her home about an hour ago, love.”
&
nbsp; “Oh. Right. Thanks,” I said, panic rising in me. I didn’t know why, but I just needed to see her. I drove to Leanne’s flat, but she wasn’t there. Her parents must’ve brought her back to their house.
It took me almost an hour to get there, but I was driven by a force stronger than myself. The urge to hold her and not let go took over. I wanted to make her better, no what it took. I wanted to bring her back to her smart-mouthed, feisty tom boy self. If I could just do that, then maybe everything else would be okay again.
I hesitated when I saw my reflection in the window by their front door. I looked like shit. Felt even worse. I couldn’t let her mum and dad see me like this, sleep deprived and manic. They’d just think I was even more of a scumbag.
I turned around, changing my mind, just as the front door opened.
“Callum?” Leanne’s mum asked gently.
My shoulders slumped as I turned back. “Sorry. I shouldn’t have come here. I just…”
A heavy silence hung over us, then she asked, “Would you like to come in for a cup of tea?”
The simple offer made my throat heavy. I nodded and she led me inside the house. Leanne’s dad wasn’t around so he must’ve been at work. I pulled out a chair at the kitchen table while Leanne’s mum put the kettle on.
There was a creak on the stairs and I looked through the doorway. Leanne was frozen on a step midway down.
“What are you doing here?” she asked shakily.
“Leanne,” her mum said. “You need to go back to bed, you can’t be walking around.”
“I’m fine,” she replied, but I could see the stiffness in her posture, the pain behind her eyes.
I stood and walked out into the hall. She stared down at me from her place on the stairs. I reached out to take her hand, but she pulled away. I frowned.
“I came to see how you’re doing.”
“I’m doing fantastic, better than ever,” she replied sarcastically and I winced. Her frosty tone was like a knife to my throat.
Her mum moved by me, heading for the living room. “I’ll let you two talk,” she said then closed the door to give us privacy. Leanne came down the last few steps to join me. She was significantly shorter than me. In fact, I was much bigger, much stronger, and yet, in this moment she had the ability to crush me. I’d never felt so vulnerable. Then, without thinking, I asked a question that had been punching holes in my brain all night.