Ttfn

by Lauren Myracle

  zoegirl:

  which is why you get stoned and drunk? because you don’t want to numb yourself out?

  mad maddie:

  pot AMPLIFIES the experience, zoe

  mad maddie:

  forget it. u’ve never tried it, so how can u even talk?

  zoegirl:

  because i’m not stupid. because i like my brain in full working order, thank you very much. and because i’m not about to get high just to impress a guy who thinks life is one big party.

  mad maddie:

  god, ur self-righteous

  zoegirl:

  you don’t have to get drunk or smoke pot in order to live life to the fullest, maddie.

  mad maddie:

  oh yeah? what DO u have to do? study really hard? be a good little girl and do everything everyone tells u to do?

  zoegirl:

  you’re trying to make this about me, but it’s not

  mad maddie:

  name one thing u’ve done recently that pushed u out of your comfort zone, that made your heart pound. and u can’t say fooling around with doug, cuz that doesn’t count.

  mad maddie:

  anywayz, u can’t even give yourself fully over to that, can u? tell me that’s not incredibly pathetic.

  zoegirl:

  i can’t believe you said that

  mad maddie:

  are u saying it’s not pathetic?

  zoegirl:

  well, it’s not as pathetic as fooling around with someone else’s boyfriend! it’s not as pathetic as pretending that’s the way you want it when really you wish he was yours!

  mad maddie:

  exsqueeze me?

  zoegirl:

  “i want to be chive’s special lady.” that’s what you said when you were high.

  mad maddie:

  i did NOT

  zoegirl:

  those were your very words—go back and look! and i know that’s why you’re smoking so much, to make yourself stand out from whitney. but whitney’s the one he’s with, isn’t she?

  mad maddie:

  so?

  zoegirl:

  so you’re lying to yourself, maddie!

  mad maddie:

  whoa—i am so over this convo. u should hear yourself, man. u r majorly worked up.

  zoegirl:

  don’t tell me i’m not living my life fully. don’t tell me that i’m the one with the problem.

  mad maddie:

  “most men lead lives of quiet desperation.” that’s u in a nutshell.

  zoegirl:

  omg. show off for chive, not me.

  zoegirl:

  why are we even friends, maddie?

  mad maddie:

  WHAT?

  zoegirl:

  i’m serious. why are we even friends? i’m not trying to be mean—i’m honestly wondering. we both get along great with angela, and when we’re all three together, everything’s fine. but we’re not all three together. when it’s just the two of us, everything seems to fall apart.

  mad maddie:

  don’t say that. that’s not true.

  zoegirl:

  i don’t *not* want to be friends.

  zoegirl:

  but it’s like everything gets blown up between us. everything gets rubbed the wrong way.

  mad maddie:

  not always. not even usually.

  zoegirl:

  lots, though

  mad maddie:

  i just think that if ur gonna point all this blame at me, then u have to look at yourself too. ur not perfect, zoe.

  zoegirl:

  i never said i was

  mad maddie:

  u sure act like it sometimes

  Thu, Jan 13, 10:35 PM E.S.T.

  mad maddie:

  hey, a. did u hear about zoe’s and my big blowout? i’m sure u did.

  SnowAngel:

  yeah, zoe called this afternoon. i’m so sorry!

  mad maddie:

  she drives me up the wall. u should have heard how self-righteous she was being.

  SnowAngel:

  well, like i said, i’m sorry.

  SnowAngel:

  but … i kinda need to tell u that i don’t entirely disagree with her. i mean, i’ve been worried about u too. *shies back to avoid wrath*

  mad maddie:

  u don’t need to be. god.

  mad maddie:

  anywayz, the moms had already been riding me before zoe txted. i didn’t tell zoe, but that’s part of why i jumped all over her.

  SnowAngel:

  riding u about what?

  mad maddie:

  the same thing zoe was, my “alleged” poor decision-making skills. she was all, “ur not smoking marijuana, r u maddie?”

  mad maddie:

  only she pronounced it mare-uh-joo-wah-nah. so lame.

  SnowAngel:

  shit, maddie, does she KNOW?

  mad maddie:

  she has her suspicions, which i neither confirmed nor denied.

  mad maddie:

  actually, i denied the hell out of them. but where does the moms get the right to come down on me? she and dad are the worst role models ever. and has SHE smoked pot? yes, she has. last night she told me that she and the dads smoked “mare-uh-joo-wah-nah” at some party when i was a kid, and it almost cost her her marriage.

  SnowAngel:

  whoa, your MOM smoked pot? your parents are so cool. why did it almost cost her her marriage?

  mad maddie:

  she got all flirty with some other guy or something. it was like her little cautionary tale to scare me straight.

  mad maddie:

  but the point is that the moms had laid all that on me—very serious and “this is your life, maddie”—and then zoe texted me and gave me the exact same lecture, only worse. can u see why i got upset?

  SnowAngel:

  i guess

  mad maddie:

  AND i somehow managed to lose my wallet at the waffle house, which is a major drag. i didn’t have much cash in it, but it means i don’t have my license. aaargh.

  mad maddie:

  anywayz, i just wanted to explain the whole story. i don’t want everyone hating me.

  SnowAngel:

  nobody hates u, maddie. we could NEVER hate u.

  mad maddie:

  u wanna know what’s weird? and i could never ever tell zoe, so u better not either.

  SnowAngel:

  what?

  mad maddie:

  contrary to popular opinion, i don’t actually LOVE getting stoned.

  SnowAngel:

  i know, cuz it burns

  mad maddie:

  yeah, there’s that. but it also just kinda … makes things icky.

  SnowAngel:

  like how?

  mad maddie:

  it changes things. it’s like everyone gets all distorted, and i can see what they’re really thinking, and i don’t like it. i can see how desperate we all are, cuz the layers get peeled off, and we’re just these naked bundles of need.

  SnowAngel:

  er, i’m not exactly following

  mad maddie:

  like, ok, monday night at the waffle house? we’re all crammed into this booth, and whenever brannen says something, he looks at me in this overly eager way. only i’m too busy looking at chive, who’s too busy looking at whitney …

  mad maddie:

  ugh. i guess i can’t explain it.

  SnowAngel:

  why do u do it, then? get stoned?

  mad maddie:

  i dunno. cuz sometimes it’s bad, but it can also be hilarious. like mad-laughing hilarity, where u just go on and on and on and u don’t even know what set u off. that part’s awesome.

  SnowAngel:

  but we do that without pot, like when zoe was trying to learn how to drive stick shift and she kept rolling down the hill. remember?

  mad maddie:

  yeah, i know

  SnowAngel:

  we USED
to have mad-laughing hilarity, that is. we haven’t for a long time.

  mad maddie:

  i hear u

  SnowAngel:

  tell me something funny. tell me something to make me laugh.

  mad maddie:

  um … i can’t think of anything

  mad maddie:

  wait, i know. today in english, mariah rath goes, “mr. phelps, it is SO cold in here. aren’t u cold?” and mr. phelps goes, “noooo, i’m a little teacup.”

  SnowAngel:

  ???

  mad maddie:

  u know, from that song. “i’m a little teacup, short and stout. here is my handle, here is my spout.”

  SnowAngel:

  it’s teapot, not teacup

  SnowAngel:

  and that’s not very funny

  mad maddie:

  it was at the time. mr. phelps is such a dork, u can’t help but love him.

  SnowAngel:

  *blinks noncommitally*

  Fri, Jan 14, 7:02 PM P.S.T.

  SnowAngel:

  zoe, why do ppl wear nude-colored hose? i am asking this as a serious question.

  zoegirl:

  um, because they think they look good?

  SnowAngel:

  but they don’t. they never do.

  SnowAngel:

  glendy wore nude-colored hose today, with open-toed white leather sandals, no less. in january!!!

  zoegirl:

  ooo, that’s bad

  SnowAngel:

  this morning she was all worked up about a bit of blueberry in her teeth that a guy she likes may or may not have seen, and i was like, “girl, u have bigger things to worry about.”

  zoegirl:

  like nude-colored hose?

  SnowAngel:

  exactly

  zoegirl:

  poor thing

  SnowAngel:

  poor thing my foot!

  SnowAngel:

  she invited me to spend the night tomorrow night, can u believe it? i politely declined, and she goes, “oh, would tonight be better? cuz we can do it tonight, no problem.” i told her i couldn’t do that either, cuz mom wants me to get my room put together so that it doesn’t look like i’m living in a refugee camp. so glendy goes, “well, i’ll come help u. i know! i know! we can get matching comforters!”

  zoegirl:

  she did not

  SnowAngel:

  she DID, zoe. and i’ve seen her comforter—it’s this crappy polyester deal with dolphins all over it.

  zoegirl:

  so is she going to come help you decorate?

  SnowAngel:

  r u kidding? glendy may have this illusion that we’re friends, but we’re not. i already have my friends, thank u very much.

  SnowAngel:

  *droops* they’re just not with me.

  zoegirl:

  oh, angela. i wish i were there to help you decorate.

  SnowAngel:

  i don’t wanna decorate. i don’t even care about decorating.

  zoegirl:

  what did you say to glendy?

  SnowAngel:

  i said, “thanks so much for offering, but how boring that would be for u.” and she said, “no, i want to, really!” and i said, “that is SO sweet, but i’m not roping anyone in to do my work.” i just kept smiling and not backing down no matter what she said.

  zoegirl:

  ack. it kind of makes me feel sorry for her.

  SnowAngel:

  don’t u DARE feel sorry for her. she’s snively.

  SnowAngel:

  after she finally got it thru her skull that i wasn’t gonna invite her over, she got all pouty and said, “i thought southern girls were supposed to be nice.” i looked at her like, “what drug r u on?” and she quickly said, “just kidding.”

  zoegirl:

  hey now, southern girls ARE nice

  SnowAngel:

  the point was, she needed to frickin take the hint

  SnowAngel:

  that pouty crap might work with mr. boss, but not with me. *wipes her hands of the annoying glendy*

  zoegirl:

  you crack me up

  SnowAngel:

  so have u smoothed things out with maddie yet?

  zoegirl:

  i don’t know. kind of? she’s just acting like everything’s normal, only everything *isn’t* normal, so it feels depressing and wrong.

  SnowAngel:

  believe me, i know all about depressing and wrong.

  SnowAngel:

  in fact, i’m gonna go stick my head in the toaster oven. bye!

  Mon, Jan 17, 12:23 PM E.S.T.

  mad maddie:

  oh, martin luther king junior, i thank u for this day of rest. for without u, i would be in SPANISH right now instead of the lovely java joe’s, sipping my delicious chai.

  SnowAngel:

  jealous. me want chai!

  mad maddie:

  here, i’ll pour some thru the computer. gurgle, slurple, gack.

  SnowAngel:

  mmm, thanx. only now my keyboard’s all sticky.

  SnowAngel:

  so zoe says ur being all fakey around her. r u?

  mad maddie:

  what?

  mad maddie:

  no, i’m not being fakey. how annoying that she would say that.

  SnowAngel:

  she says ur acting normal, but that things AREN’T normal.

  mad maddie:

  if things aren’t normal, it’s cuz of her. she thinks i’m too wild, but the reality is, she’s too much of a wimp. she’s like a timid little mouse. she’s afraid to live in the real world.

  SnowAngel:

  ohhhh, i see

  SnowAngel:

  and it’s your job to make her realize this?

  mad maddie:

  i never said that

  mad maddie:

  only … yeah! ur brilliant, angela. maybe it is!

  SnowAngel:

  maybe it is what? now i’m confused.

  SnowAngel:

  maddie?

  SnowAngel:

  come back! explain!!!

  Tues, Jan 18, 6:40 PM E.S.T.

  mad maddie:

  hey, zo. wazzup?

  zoegirl:

  nothing much. you?

  mad maddie:

  nothin. i thought of u today in english, tho.

  zoegirl:

  why?

  mad maddie:

  cuz of something the little baptist girl said.

  zoegirl:

  what little baptist girl?

  mad maddie:

  she was talking really loudly to her friend with the mole, and out of her mouth came, “no way! shut the hell up!” it was very unexpected.

  zoegirl:

  are you talking about alicia arnold? you shouldn’t call her the “little baptist girl.”

  mad maddie:

  true, she’s more of a big baptist girl, isn’t she? anyway, the whole class heard and she turned bright red. and then she said, “it’s your fault, mr. phelps. i picked it up from u, and now it’s stuck in my brain!”

  zoegirl:

  mr. phelps says “shut the hell up”?

  mad maddie:

  in a jokey way. like, he’ll look at us at the beginning of class and say, “all right, all right, shut the hell up. who’s finished chapter 12 of ‘Things Fall Apart’?” but now he says he’ll quit on account of corrupting the big baptist girl.

  zoegirl:

  huh. weird.

  zoegirl:

  but why in the world did that make u think of me?

  mad maddie:

  cuz i started wondering, have U ever said “shut the hell up”? if alicia arnold can, then surely u can too. i give u permission.

  zoegirl:

  haha

  mad maddie:

  no, seriously. i think it would be good for you. ur so afraid of screwing up, but it IS ok to break a rule or two every once in a while. maybe if u did, u wouldn’t be
such a chickenshit.

  zoegirl:

  i’m a chickensh*t?

  mad maddie:

  um, yeah. just think about the whole angela/doug mess: if u weren’t so wimpy, u would have told her in the first place. u said it yourself.

  zoegirl:

  u can’t use that as an example. it’s over and done with.

  mad maddie:

  but ur still a chickenshit—that’s my point.

  zoegirl:

  i am not. stop saying that.

  mad maddie:

  then prove me wrong. pick anyone—anyone u want, as long as it’s not me or angela—and tell them to shut the hell up. i dare u.