Rock Star

by Kathi Goldwyn

  [SO9]I like your writing style, and again, this is my opinion, but this paragraph here is an example of him, in the moment, thinking back to the past, continuing on through the path of their journey and into the future. It's him telling, not showing. And I think the reader can appreciate this in bits, to sum certain things up definitely, but when it happens often, it leaves me wanting. I want you to show me these things happening, not tell me. I know we all know the adage, "Show, don't tell." And I think it can make a manuscript that much better. Just something to think about throughout, where can you show instead of tell. Where can you put the reader in a scene.

  [SO10]You could always just make her a year or two older, then that scene where he masturbates and scenes like right here, would be no biggie. Just a thought.

  [ES11]Should this be Chapter 12? If so, make sure you go through and correct the rest of the chapter numbers

  [SO12]I'm really liking the addition of this plot point. As a reader, I'm like, who the heck is sending her messages? Gah!! As I reader I really like this, I want to know now!

  [ES13]Totally agree

  [SO14]Wait, how old is the brother here?

  [ES15]?

  [SO16]Great line!

  [ES17]Just as a reminder, all song names should not be in italics but should be enclosed by single quotation marks. This is the final one I will change so make sure you correct them all when you go through it.

  [SO18]More great description!

  [SO19]Are we supposed to know what MJT is yet? Just wondering.

  [SO20]My only confusion about these notes, is does she react each time? I see a couple times/chapters when the note is the chapter and nothing else, no scene, no Callie having a reaction, no action, just the note.

  [SO21]Great scene!!!! DAMMIT!!! This whole scene got me!! I'm super upset about her family, but you illustrated this whole thing really well. Well done! Goose bumps!

  [ES22]Agreed

  [SO23]Good and creepy! EWWWWW!

  [SO24]I like these interjected small moments of normal during the chaos. Good technique!

  [ES25]who?

  [ES26]beautiful line and very true

  [SO27]When I'm finished with a manuscript I always check the spelling of all my main characters' names in case I spelled it differently for some reason. I think you use Marco and Marko at times. Just something to think about.

  [SO28]Is this the 1st time she's concerned about these notes? Feels like she went from no biggie to freaked out based on H and L's reactions. I'm not sure it's that convincing.

  [SO29]Or maybe I'm just confused. Is this the first time she's actually seen one of these notes?

  [ES30]Consistency:

  1) They were FaceTiming each other while on tour before the accident, so surely her mother knew how to do it already

  2) FaceTime is not a Facebook thing, it's an iPhone thing

  [SO31]What would make Callie think Tenny took the baby because she had a thing for Hunter? This seems to come out of nowhere.

  [SO32]To me, 'sneered' is an expression we see. So I don't think Callie could see this through the phone. You could just shorten this all to, Bitterness dripped from her tone.

  [ES33]This should be Chapter 56 I believe? But once you correct the previous ones it may well line up

  [SO34]Remind me what M&G stands for?

  [kg35]meet and greet, i could just say it

  [SO36]Is the T for Truth?

  [SO37]Are you thinking of the word 'confidant'?

  [SO38]flirting with Callie?

  [SO39]Was her name different earlier?

  [kg40]first time

  [SO41]She appears earlier as Joan, I think. Or am I confused.

  [kg42]thalnks i'll double check

  [SO43]This is a tiny thing, but my editor always says to be consistent with things you capitalize or don't capitalize. sometimes you say Girls Night, and sometimes you say girls night. Also, I usually put an apostrophe after Girls' Night. In my manuscripts, I use "Oh my God" a lot and I always have to check if I'm capitalizing God or not, either way I just need to do it the same every time, if that makes sense.

  [SO44]I love this. He really would do anything for her!

  [SO45]HA! I was just about to comment how much I love a good scene with girlfriends! (And I do.) And then this happens. Holy Crap! Well done.

  [SO46]Also, all of this is really good scene stuff, like good showing here!!

  [SO47]This is totally my opinion, but this rubbed me the wrong way. Even if she is passed out like this, I would hope Callie and Hunter would take care of her, not leave here there like that. Maybe she hugs them and leaves or something a bit softer?

  [SO48]Great ending! Whew, I'm exhausted. I'll get you some over all notes today or tomorrow!!!

  [ES49]You’re very welcome J