Untitled

by Jackie Chanel

  “I had it custom made for you,” Dad said.

  I’ve never seen anything like this guitar. The finish is the darkest blue I’ve ever seen, with gold hardware. The fret board is rosewood and when I looked closer, the names of my family members were written on the fret board.

  “This is beautiful!”

  “Your guitar guy tuned it for you. If it’s possible, I’d really like to see you play it tonight or sometime soon,” my father suggested.

  “Hell yeah!” I pulled it out of the box and was shocked to see that the strap had TYLER on it. Another plus!

  My dad gave me another guitar. It’s a hell of a gesture. I’m not sure that I’m ready to say that all is forgiven, but his apology, explanation, and this guitar is certainly a step in the right direction.

  He finally said it. He’s proud of me. I’ve been waiting to hear those words for fifteen years. The least I can do is play his guitar.

  Chapter 55

  I like to think it was me who convinced my parents to stay in Los Angeles a few extra days but I think my little sister had a lot to do with it. I’m glad they stayed because it gave me the opportunity to spend some more time with my father...something that needed to be done a long time ago.

  I still wanted to be mad. I wanted to give him a hard time and make him sweat it out, but I couldn’t. After seeing him shed tears when Erica and I had performed at the Grammys, there’s no way I couldn’t let him know that I appreciated his words and his apology.

  Kat was the one who said that I needed to leave the past in the past and work towards rebuilding our relationship. She practically beat that sentence into my head when I said goodbye at the airport. The threat of kicking my ass if I didn’t talk to him helped.

  We spent two days together, without my mother and Delilah, and it was good. I think everyone expected it to be like some Lifetime movie moment where we cried and hugged and forgave each other. It was nothing like that. We talked.

  We did a lot of talking. It’s very strange learning things about the man you’ve known all your life. By the time my parents were on the plane back to Mt. Vernon, I felt like I’d learned some brand new information about my father and had a better understanding of why he acts the way he does. I hope he left with a better understanding of me.

  Still, he’s proud of me.

  If I didn’t get anything else out of that week, at least I got that.

  “Joey!” I called from my new office at CMG.

  While he still hasn’t signed me on as a partner at CMG, Joey has put me in charge of A&R and I’m having a good time hitting open mic nights and watching emerging artists on YouTube. It brings me back when I was trying to make it and no one would give me a chance. Now I have the chance to make someone’s dream a reality. I love this shit!

  “What?” Joey popped his head into my office.

  “Do you want to go with me to check out these acts? There’s this singer tonight at Hotel Cafe and I think she might be pretty good.”

  “No, you handle that,” he said. “That’s your gig. I’m in the studio with Erica tonight.”

  Erica’s solo project is going to be the first release from the label that doesn’t feature me or Joey. She’s super excited, which makes her a pain to be around. I’m glad Joey’s working with her on this one. I only get asked to come to the studio occasionally.

  “Cool. Check you later then.”

  Joey went back to doing whatever he was doing and I watched more videos. My email is constantly filled with press kits and links to music sites. I love this part of the job. It’s almost effortless. My ear for music ensures that nothing but the best will sign with CMG.

  I almost lost track of time while I was watching videos. When Delilah and Paulie walked into my small office, I looked at the clock. It was a little past eight and I needed to get going. Thank goodness for the interruption.

  “Thank God you showed up,” I said. “I almost forgot about Hotel Cafe.”

  “That’s not why we’re here,” Paulie said sullenly.

  Delilah sniffled. I looked at her. She’d been crying. I looked at Paulie, prepared to punch him in the face if he’d done something to my sister.

  “What’s wrong, Delilah? What happened?”

  “It’s Dad,” she whispered.

  “What about Dad?” I asked, alarmed. A million thoughts ran through my head. Something had to be seriously wrong if Delilah was sitting in my office crying.

  “He’s...he’s...” she couldn’t finish.

  I looked at Paulie. “Is he sick?” I asked. Sara had mentioned that she thought he might be but he looked fine two weeks ago.

  Paulie shook his head.

  “Then what?”

  “He’s gone.”

  “Gone where?” I asked. “Where did he go?”

  “Aiden,” Delilah cried. “He’s dead.”

  A sudden wave of nausea hit me as the room became nothing but a blur of colors and lines. My palms began to get clammy and I couldn’t control my breaths.

  Did she just say that my father is dead?

  “Aiden? You okay man?” Paulie’s voice sounded like he was down the hall.

  I tried to steady my breathing and the room slowly came back into focus.

  “He’s what?” I whispered.

  “We have to go home.” Delilah was still crying. “Mom needs us to come home right away.”

  “He’s what?” I repeated. Her words weren’t making sense. My father is not dead. I just saw my father. He was just here.

  “He’s in Nashville,” I finally said. “Dad’s in Nashville for that sales conference.”

  “That’s where they found him,” Paulie said. “He was in his hotel room.”

  “What the fuck happened?” In my head it sounded like I was yelling but the words came out much softer.

  “Cancer,” Delilah whispered. “He didn’t even tell us he was sick. We have to go home, Aiden.”

  I don’t remember driving to the airport or getting on a plane. I don’t remember driving from Chicago. Hours went by and I don’t remember any of it. I remember being in my office and the next minute I was walking through the front door of my parents’ house.

  My mother and Sara were sitting on the couch when we walked in. Sara rushed over to me and threw her arms around my waist. I hugged her tightly.

  “Sara, what happened?” I said, low enough for my mother not to hear. She wasn’t listening anyway. Her painful weeps muffled any words that were being spoken.

  “I don’t know,” Sara said. “We just got the call today. We have to go to Nashville. I knew he was sick,” she cried. “I knew it but he never said anything. He wouldn’t let me examine him!”

  “It’ll be okay,” I said but the words didn’t sound assuring. This is crazy. This can’t be happening.

  Sara stepped back and composed herself a bit.

  “Mom and I are flying to Nashville in the morning. I don’t know what else to do. She can’t go by herself.”

  “We’ll figure it out,” I told her, not knowing how we’d do it though.

  I walked into the living room and sat down next to my mother. She leaned her head against my shoulder. Sara sat down next to me and Delilah sat on the floor at my feet and rested her head on my knee. All three of them were crying. I closed my eyes, fighting back my own tears. I have to keep it together, for the three heartbroken women right here. I have to help them get through this.

  My father is dead.

  I pulled my cell phone out of my pocket and dialed the only number I could think of.

  ****

  The house was dark and quiet. My mother and sisters were piled into my parents’ bed where they had finally fallen asleep. I sat on the couch in silence, staring at the dark television screen. I couldn’t muster the energy to go my room. I didn’t want to close my eyes. Every time I did I saw the same thing.

  The sleek cherry casket.

  My father lying peacefully on a bed of cream velvet.

  “Aiden,” Sunn
y whispered from the doorway of the family room.

  “Yeah?”

  “You need to try and sleep.”

  “I don’t want to sleep,” I answered.

  Sunny stepped into the room and sat next to me. She looked down at the tear stained piece of paper sitting in my lap.

  “What’s that?”

  “I found it in my room, this morning,” I told her. “It was in a box of old tapes.”

  Sunny picked up the letter. She took a sharp breath when she realized what it was. I’d read it a hundred times today. I already know what it said.

  Dear Aiden,

  I remember the day the doctor told us that we were having a boy. It was the happiest moment of my life. A son who I could teach to run and play catch with. A son to carry on my name. A brother for Sara. Any man who ever has children wishes for a son.

  You didn’t want to be born and gave your mother hell. I should have guessed that rebelliousness would be in your nature. Every moment that I spent with you will forever be etched in my memory. Did you know your first word was Dad?

  Things changed as you grew up. We’ve had our fights, our differences, but I never gave up on you. I never stopped loving you. You’re my only son. Thank you for being such a great brother to your sisters, for always taking care of and protecting the women in our lives, like the precious jewels that they are.

  When I am gone, you will take my place as the man of the family. I trust that you will do that with honor and love. I know you will continue to take care of your mother and sisters.

  You are my son and I love you. I wish I had been kinder and more understanding to you. I wish I had the time to completely change things between us. From a distance I watched you become everything that you wanted to be, everything you were destined to be. You are my hero, Aiden. You’re everything that I tried to be. I couldn’t have asked for anything more in a son. Our disagreements, our fights, our bouts of no communication, each one increased the respect and love I have for you, my only son.

  I wish I could see what kind of father you will become. When that time comes, promise me you won’t make the same mistakes with your child that I did with you. I waited until it was too late to say I’m proud of you.

  Son, I love you. You are my pride and joy. I wish I was there to tell it to you now. I hope that you find the love of a good woman, like I have with your mother, and know the joys of having children of your own. I hope you take the time to teach them everything that I failed to teach you. I know this is going to be hard, but if I can give you one piece of advice, it will be to keep reaching for the stars. I will be watching.

  I love you, Aiden.

  Dad

  Sunny folded the letter and put it back in the envelope. She put her arms around me and pulled me closer.

  “I always thought he hated me,” I finally managed to say. For the first time since I found out that my dad was dead, I let my sorrow and pain flow freely down my face.

  “He loved you.”

  “I was such a bastard to him.”

  “He didn’t think so,” she said. “He loved you.”

  All the years I ignored him, all the times I deliberately did things to piss him off weighed heavily on me. At least he tried to make things right. I should have known that there was something going on.

  Colon cancer.

  That’s what he had. He didn’t tell a soul, not even my mother. He didn’t want to believe it himself. My father, the ex football player and top salesmen at his company, could not appear to be weak or fragile. He fought the cancer with everything he had but it was too late.

  And I’ll never get a chance to tell him that I’m sorry. I’ll never get a chance to correct the mistakes that I’ve made, after he tried to correct his.

  My father loved me. My father was proud of me.

  He’ll never know how much I loved him.

  Chapter 56

  I tossed travel brochures to the floor, slowly, one by one. It’s been almost two months since my father’s funeral and I haven’t been motivated to get off my couch.

  My father is gone and no trip is going to change that.

  My phone vibrated on the glass table. Annoyed, I hit the IGNORE button. I don’t want to talk to anyone. I don’t want visitors. I don’t want to hear their sympathy. I just want to be left alone.

  “Mr. Aiden,” my housekeeper’s soft, heavily accented voice called from the hallway. “Someone is at the door. Do you want me to answer it?”

  “Tell them to leave,” I barked.

  I heard the door open and muffled voices. Then a voice that I’m all too familiar with.

  “I don’t care what he said,” Roxy huffed. “I’m not leaving. Where is he?”

  I shut my eyes and willed her to go away. It didn’t work.

  “You’re still on that couch?” Roxy said when she walked into the living room. “You were sitting in that same spot when I was here last week.”

  “And I’ll probably be here when you come back next week,” I said. “What do you want?”

  “I want for you to get off the couch. A shower and a change of clothes would be nice. I want for you to get some fresh air. I want you to act like you’re alive. That’s what I want.”

  “You want me to go back to work,” I snapped.

  “I didn’t say anything about work, Aiden,” she replied. “I’m not here for that.”

  I sat up slightly and turned my head towards Roxy.

  “When have you ever shown up at my house when it wasn’t work related?”

  “Aiden, you know me better than that. When you choose to get back to work is your business. I’m here as your friend.” She looked at the pile of scattered travel brochures on the floor.

  “And it looks like you could use a friend right now. Where’s Sunny?”

  I shrugged my shoulders and turned back to the television that was muted.

  “What do you mean, you don’t know?”

  “I don’t know. I haven’t seen her since we left Mt. Vernon.”

  “Are you serious?”

  “Sunny has her own life,” I answered. “She doesn’t have time to sit around with me while I mourn.”

  My words came out bitter because that’s exactly how I feel. Sunny should be here. I honestly cannot believe she’s not. If one of her parents had died, I would have never left her side.

  “Have you considered going to Atlanta?” Roxy asked. “You have friends there. At least you wouldn’t be alone.”

  “I want to be alone,” I muttered. “I don’t feel like being bothered with anyone.”

  “I think...” Roxy started to say.

  “Please leave,” I interrupted. “I’m not trying to be a jerk, Roxy, I promise. But I don’t feel like talking about this.”

  “Just hear me out, Aiden,” Roxy pleaded.

  “What?” I sighed. “What do you think?”

  “I know what’s wrong and it’s okay if you want to be left alone. I know how you’re feeling. I know all the thoughts that are going around and around your head.”

  “No, you don’t.”

  She can’t even begin to imagine the thoughts that I’m thinking. I bet Roxy was a good child. I bet she never openly defied her parents on purpose. I bet she never went months without speaking to them. I bet if her dad died tomorrow, she’d have a clear conscience.

  I don’t.

  I was a horrible son to my dad. Now there’s no way to correct that and I have to live with that knowledge every day, knowing I’ll never be able to fix it. I have to live with the fact that I never appreciated a thing he gave me or did for me. I have to live with that eating at my soul every day.

  “I was talking to Kat and Joey,” Roxy said. “We know that you’re staying holed up here in this house because you don’t want to face the public. You don’t want a bunch of cameras in your face, not at a time like this.”

  “That’s part of it.”

  “But you need a change of scenery,” she said. “I’ve booked you the cottage ho
use on Guana Island for a few weeks. Would you go there?”

  “No.”

  “You don’t even know where I’m talking about, Aiden,” Roxy argued. She took a brochure out of her purse and held it out for me. Reluctantly, I took it.

  “Just look through it,” she insisted. “If it’s really something that you don’t want to do, let me know. If you want to go, your flight leaves Wednesday at ten.”

  She got up and tousled my messy hair.

  “Call me if you need me. I’m staying at the Four Seasons.”

  I nodded. As soon as I heard the door close, I tossed the brochure on the coffee table. I’m not leaving this house until I feel like it.

  A few hours later, I did get up to make a sandwich. I sat at the kitchen table staring out at the pool.

  “Mr. Aiden,” Marisol said, “do you want me to throw these in the garbage?”

  I looked up and she was holding my stack of travel brochures. I reached for the last one that Roxy had given me. Guana Island.

  The brochure described it as “one of the few remaining privately-owned islands in the Caribbean...85 acres of undisturbed natural beauty...with acres of privacy per guest, and no marina or public facilities of any kind, you’ll barely have to share it with anyone.”

  Maybe I do need to get out of the house and go somewhere else, where there’s no paparazzi and no media hounding me with every step I take. A secluded island may be the best place to be right now.

  “I’ll keep this one,” I told Marisol. “Recycle the rest.

  ****

  Two hours after getting settled in the spacious but quaint cottage house, isolated from civilization by sea grape trees, wild tropical vegetation, and the calming blue ocean, I decided that I never want to leave this place. Roxy was right. Guana Island...this is where I needed to be.

  Leaving the country, just a couple of months after my father’s sudden death meant leaving my sisters and mother to fend for themselves. I didn’t make this decision to go without giving it some serious thought. In the end I decided that I had to leave. I’m no good to them with my head a jumbled mess of sadness, confusion, and regret. They need me to be sharp and thinking clearly. Right now, in this current headspace, I’m useless.