Cause and Affection

by Sheryl Wright

  “It’s natural to want more,” she remembered Kara telling her as they discussed her career. Of course, the career they were discussing was the fake cover story that Madeleine was an event planner for a convention operator. She couldn’t hold back the sigh of regret. The one person she felt she could open up with was the one person who knew diddly-squat about her real life. What have I done?

  On the screen, Knightley played her role alongside movie partner Chris Pine. The first time she watched this, she’d had focused on Pine and his performance as Jack Ryan. This time, she couldn’t take her eyes off the new Cathy Ryan. Had she noticed her classic beauty the first time she watched this? Had she noticed Knightley in the little black dress? The truth was, before Kara, she never spent much time looking at women. She’d always checked out the other women in the chorus line, but that was a competition thing, who’s taller, who’s better looking, who’s the best dancer? Yet, in all that time, had she ever considered women as other sexual beings? Of course she’d thought about lesbian relationships. What woman hadn’t? Like all straight women she thought lesbians had it made. After all, they didn’t have to worry about birth control, not even HIV unless you were a drug user or crossing party lines. But that really didn’t answer the question; did lesbians have better relationships? She always assumed the answer was yes, only because she didn’t consider it an option for her. After all, she was straight. I was straight. Was I? What am I now?

  Madeleine clicked off the TV and tossed the remote on the other bed. Kara had turned her life upside down. No, that was wrong. She’d opened up her life. It was strange to think that was true. The worst part was her lack of options. The last ten years had been about her career, not making friends. That didn’t leave a lot of people to lean on or ask for advice. There was Franco. He was always there for her, but as her manager. His advice was always about what was best for her career, and ultimately for him.

  Restless, she got up and grabbed the knapsack, tossing the contents on the other bed. She grabbed her toiletry bag, spotting the cell phone underneath. It would be so easy to pick up that phone. So easy just to call her. What would I say? Holy hell, how can I tell her the truth? Maybe the truth wasn’t necessary. Yes, she would have to apologize for not being there after the board meeting like she’d promised but she could make something up. Kara had said more than a dozen times how her work demands often wreaked havoc on her personal life. That’s what she’d do. She’d just pick up the phone and give her a call. “Sorry I had to rush home for an emergency. A family emergency,” she practiced aloud. That’s something Kara would understand. Picking up the phone, she wasn’t surprised to see several text messages. She clicked on the thread from Kara, her apprehension quickly becoming excitement. She read through the first couple of messages quickly. They were all as expected:

  Board meeting wrapped, and I have great news.

  Dougie, Joanne, and the gang, all still at the pool. Would you like to join us?

  Not sure if you’re out of your meeting yet? Missing you. I have great news!

  The date stamp on the last message read 5:18 p.m. More than six hours ago. Kara hadn’t sent her a text in all that time, not even to question when or where they would meet for dinner. They had talked about meeting for dinner, but she had obfuscated, casually insisting they work out the details after the big board meeting. That had been their discussion early that morning, lying in bed together, intertwined and feeling more connected than Madeleine could admit to ever experiencing. It had been so easy lying there in her arms, feeling the warmth of her body, her smooth skin, and comforting embrace. It didn’t feel wrong or strange or anything other than perfect. No, it wasn’t perfect; it was sublime. Could it be that easy? Really? Was that how relationships, real loving, long-term relationships, felt? She had no idea. It wasn’t like she hadn’t had relationships before. She’d had plenty, but the connection, the intimacy, the desire, not so much.

  She was pacing, phone in hand, trying to decide if a text message or a phone call would be more appropriate when she stopped dead. Reading through her messages again, she realized they’d all come in within twenty minutes of each other. And then nothing. Not one word in over six hours. Did that mean Kara knew? Did they tell her? Did she know all along? She tried to imagine how she would’ve taken the news. I would’ve flipped! If she learned nothing else, she knew Kara wasn’t the type to flip out about just anything. No, she was a plotter, a thinker. Not in a bad way. Maybe describing her as a planner and strategist might make more sense, except that wasn’t true either. Kara was a doer. She made things happen. She made things happen to me. And that was the truth of it. Her job had been to get Kara back on track. But she was already on an amazing track of her own. Yes, judging by her text messages, she’d won the board vote, but Madeleine had come to understand she had other plans too. She had taken herself to a place in her life where she had choices. She’d given Madeleine choices too, choices she’d never expected. And that wasn’t just about being with a woman. They’d talked for hours about her skills, desires, dreams. Even under the guise of her fake job she’d managed to talk about her interest in theatre and the performing arts.

  Her interest in production and staging had excited Kara. It was as if they’d found a mutual subject to explore in detail. In between lovemaking. And there it was again. Somehow, she had crossed some invisible line. One moment she was a straight woman, never questioning her sexuality. The next moment she was in the arms of this woman. A woman who had made her feel beautiful and sexy and a million things more. Most of the men in her life had had solutions, changes they wanted her to make. Even Franco had suggested a boob job. He’d even offered to pay for it. Kara though, she just wanted her to be herself. Alone, just the two of them, felt like the most natural thing. To hold her, love her, and that was what she had stumbled over, what had driven her into her car and out of Las Vegas. Impossible. She shook her head, dumping her phone and heading to the small bathroom. I can’t be in love with her. I hardly know her. She doesn’t know me, and after this, she’ll never want to.

  * * *

  It was almost midnight when Kara finally slid into her airline seat. She had managed to get a ticket on the red-eye to Toronto. This was not what she had planned for the evening, not by a long shot. How the hell could this happen? She’d thought she was smarter than this. She’d listened to Joanne’s excuses, then Dougie’s stupid ideas and the million apologies from their partners, but in the end, she still grabbed her bags and went to the airport. Of course, she kicked herself when she got here, realizing she’d have to wait five hours for the next flight. Still, it was better than listening to their crap. Yes, she’d been out of sorts. Yes, she hadn’t been herself lately. Yes, it may have seemed like she’d given up. “Yes—yes—yes,” she grumbled under her breath.

  “Uh-oh. It looks like someone’s not happy to be going home,” the flight attendant offered as she stopped next to Kara’s seat.

  “No, yes, no. I mean… I have no idea what I mean. Any chance I can get a drink?”

  “We’re not supposed to serve until we’re in the air,” she said, taking a surreptitious look around the business class cabin. As it was ahead of the aircraft loading door, they didn’t have a long line of economy class passengers tramping past them. “Let me grab you a short one to tide you over,” she said with a spectacular grin and a conspiratorial wink, adding, “Let’s turn that frown upside down.”

  Kara groaned. It looked like the flight attendant had a better time here in Vegas than she did. Except she had an amazing time. A phenomenal time. I can’t believe it. I can’t believe none of it was real. She was a little more cordial when the flight attendant returned, accepting her drink with gratitude. It wasn’t like she needed to drink. She’d spent the last five hours sitting in the VIP lounge drinking premium booze while she tried to pretend she was working her way through the pile of emails that had accumulated over the last five days. Now, sitting in the aircraft, she pulled out her phone again but, in h
er heart, she knew there would be no reply to her earlier text, and without it, she had no interest in work or emails. Of the few hundred she’d already sorted through, she couldn’t recall a single word. Uninterested, she’d tabbed to the only thing that did matter, her IMs, and text messages. Nothing. No subterfuge, no regrets, not even an apology. There was a slew of texts from Joanne and a few from the others. Even her father had begrudged a few congratulatory words. But nothing from Madeleine. It looked like the game was truly and completely over. Samantha had explained, painfully explained, that the fantasy was scripted to end the moment she entered the board meeting. Even after hearing that detail, really hearing it and thinking about the reality of what that meant, she couldn’t believe Madeleine had played her. Maybe at the first meeting, out at the bar with Joanne and the guys. That felt a bit like a bar hookup but it hadn’t ended in bed. In truth, they had barely kissed. It was the next day, on their adventure to Lake Mead that things began to change. I thought they were changing for you too.

  “Let me grab your glass,” said the flight attendant, back at her side. She was making her safety-round of the business class cabin pre-takeoff. Kara handed it over without comment, feeling the aircraft start to push back. She turned her phone to airplane mode, then tucked it away. The last thing she wanted was to spend the next four and a half hours fixating on a call or text that she knew wouldn’t come.

  A few rows up, the flight attendant was joking and fussing with another passenger. It was easy to watch the woman at work. She was attractive—practically the first qualification for the job—but not like Madeleine. Madeleine was one of those rare women who could look amazing in anything. From that astounding black cocktail dress, the business suit, to jeans and boots. And she had talent. She remembered that visit to Lake Mead. To Kara, it had felt excruciatingly stunning to watch her, much like the woman herself. Maybe that’s all this was…an excruciatingly stunning crush. A made-up love for a made-up relationship. Except it had never felt made up. How did I miss that?

  She prided herself on knowing people, or at least their motivations. After all, that was her job, and she had a shelf full of Clio Awards to prove it. Or, at least until now she thought she knew people. She’d missed all the signs with Joanne, the extra chattiness, the overt willingness to facilitate her and Madeleine spending time together. And then there was Dougie. He’d backed her up after the altercation with her father. He seemed so happy to see her with Madeleine, even giddy. She had called him on it, but he had promised it was just his joy to see her back to her old self. Was she? Certainly, everyone thought so. And to give credit where credit was due, her attitude and renewed self-worth were due to Madeleine.

  So why am I so upset? The woman believed in me, and it’s what I needed to get back on track.

  That sounded more than fair. As a matter of fact, under those circumstances, it was difficult to be angry with her family. They were just trying to do exactly what had been done. She was back in fighting form. She was in charge, and she had a plan.

  Except part of me still wants to believe there’s a place in that plan for Madeleine.

  Chapter Thirteen

  Kara checked her makeup in the bathroom mirror. It wasn’t something she usually bothered with, but after a weekend of emotional turmoil she needed something to cover her blotchy skin. Any minute now, Joanne would barge in to tell her the staff was ready. It wasn’t quite eight a.m., and she had called all hands on deck, everyone, full-time, contract, and even the interns. It was about time everyone knew their mission and got to work turning their company around. She sighed, judging herself harshly under the stark fluorescent lighting. “You wanted this,” she reminded her reflection in the bathroom mirror. “Time to pay the piper.”

  Wexler-Ogelthorpe was the primary tenant in the old Simpson-Sears Building. The largest of the meeting rooms was designed to impress, featuring natural light from an array of huge skylights. It occupied the center of the top floor, glassed in on all sides, designed to look like an atrium, but all it ever awakened in her was regret over how much floor space was wasted, going unused most days. Walking into the room, she expected the polite applause she received. It was the cheers and hoots and hollers from some of the younger staffers that caught her by surprise. While her ego did the little “they like me, they like me,” dance, she couldn’t hide her smile and let the reception bolster her mood. Maybe this would be worth it after all.

  She listened passively while her new young vice president of sales and marketing delivered a bang-up introduction of their new CEO. Taking her place at the head of the room, she grinned, offering, “Like the man said, there’s a new sheriff in town. And judging by the hoots and hollers of our lesser genteel folks, you’re all ready?” She looked around the room carefully, making a mental inventory of those who seemed enthusiastic in their applause and those who were just being polite. She might as well know from the get-go who would be on her side and who she would need to convert. Much easier now than in her previous role of underdog. “Well then, it sounds like everybody is ready to rock ‘n’ roll. If there are no objections, it’s time to divide and conquer because we have a lot of work to do. First things first, for those of you who weren’t in Las Vegas and were not privy to my pivot or scale presentation, your first job is to stay after this meeting and watch the video. Next thing you need to know is I’ll be dividing the working groups. All legacy programs will stay with their primaries. All the accounts that fit within the pivot program will immediately be handed over to the new working group.”

  “Oooh yeah!” one of the graphic artists hollered. “Do we finally get to come up with fun names for a working group?”

  “Just for that,” she teased, “we’ll call the new working group Underdogs.” She listened and watched as they groaned, commented, and offered the odd arm punch or backslap. It didn’t matter what she called the new group. Judging by the reaction all around her, she could call it Shit-on-a-Stick and they’d still want in. “Okay. Settle down. Before I get into details, we’re going to split up for an hour. Those of you who need to watch the video will stay here. I need the department heads in my office and as for you account reps…I think you guys have some announcements to make to our clients. We’ll meet back here at,” she paused to check her watch, “nine-thirty. Okay, get out there and be safe,” she said as a parting joke.

  Returning to her office, she wasn’t surprised to see Joanne was first to join her and immediately ask, “Is there something wrong?”

  “Not at all,” Kara promised her. “I just want to get a jump on space usage. I want to get this place humming, and I can’t do it the way things are organized right now.”

  “Kara, I know you’re in a rush, but can you just hold off on moving into Dad’s office, at least for a week or two?”

  Slipping behind her old desk, she opened a file folder, laying out several lists and what looked like office layouts. “Relax, I’m not moving into his office. At least not this year.” At her sister’s incredulous look, she explained, “I know his ego is tied to this place, but it’s more than that. People here are tied to him too. I won’t take that away from him or the staff.”

  A little shocked, Joanne slid into her chair at the small meeting table, holding her comments as the remaining senior managers crowded in. Kara knew it wasn’t the end of the subject. Joanne would thank her and assume it was some sort of act of respect. Hardly. But it was calculated to ease the transition. People really did like the old man, and he lent an air of continuity. Even if he had been going in the wrong direction all these years, they had stayed loyal, and that was increasingly unheard of in this day and age.

  She pushed the thoughts of loyalty from her mind, not wanting them to sour her mood any more than they had all weekend long. It was easy for her logical brain to almost justify the actions her siblings had taken. Almost. She couldn’t accuse them of any sort of disloyalty. It would’ve been easier, almost nice, to consider them against her and plotting, but she knew better. She kne
w Dougie and Joanne were desperate to find a way to reignite her interest in the company and in taking another run at the top job, but even they wouldn’t have thought of this on their own.

  She wanted to blame her brother-in-law Zack. This was exactly the kind of shit stunt he would pull without a second thought. He must’ve been absolutely sure this was the answer when he convinced Dougie and Joanne to buy in. What she couldn’t believe was that Doug’s wife, Samantha, stable and downright judicious, would have agreed. Of course, listening to Sam and her genuine pleading and desperation to explain, she understood that events had gone down much differently than they expected. If only they had gone down differently for Madeleine. Had it been exactly as she expected? She’d certainly delivered on the promised outcome and to be honest, Kara could not identify a single promise she had made to her that she hadn’t kept. Well, all except the dinner invitation and she had racked her brain all weekend trying to decide if Madeleine had misled her or if she had just assumed. Everything about their time together was starting to feel like one big assumption. Or was it just a fantasy, one I assumed would live past the Las Vegas use-by date?

  The meeting hadn’t taken as long as the time allotted. It seemed the entire staff was already on board with all the changes she intended to make. That was reassuring and almost frightening. With the senior managers sorted, and Joanne still on her heels, she returned to the large glassed-in central meeting room, announcing to the junior account executives and the interns gathered, “This afternoon, each account team will select the junior reps and the interns who will work with them. Half of you will remain here in this room. This is your office now, and those of you selected to remain here will be part of the new social media onboarding team.”