Yours and Yours Alone

by Marilyn Lee

  “Wouldn’t you? Can you swear that if things somehow didn’t work out with Neida and he came to you that you wouldn’t take him back? Because we both know that he’d want you back. He still loves you and you’ve admitted that you still love him. So the only question is would you take him back?”

  “Where the fuck is all this...shit coming from? Yes, I love him, but I am not in love with him. Hell, I love Neka and Shay too. Are you going to accuse me of being open to a relationship with either one of them?”

  “My problem is that I know I’m far from your first choice. When you broke up with Braden, you never even considered me. Even though I’d spent years pouring my heart out to me. You looked right pass me to Hank, who walked out and left your ass.”

  “If you think you’re just a stand-in—”

  “I don’t think it. I know it.” He turned and stormed into the living room.

  She sat up slowly, taking deep breaths. Then, lay back down, closing her eyes. Oh, lord. What a mess. This is what came of being unfaithful. She’d hurt or disappointed all the men who meant the most to her. Raven, Hank, and Braden. The shame she’d feel if her father were alive didn’t bear thinking about.

  She spent half an hour regaining her composure before going inside and upstairs. She knocked on the closed guest bedroom before entering.

  Raven, dressed in a pair of shorts and a pull over, turned from the window to look at her.

  “You’re not a stand-in for anyone, Raven. Not Hank and not Braden. As intelligent as you are, you should be able to understand that loving someone and being in love with them are two very different things. I’m not going to deny that I will always love Braden, but I have not been in love with him for a long time.”

  “And Hank?”

  She shrugged. “I’m his wife. Don’t you think I owe him some level of fidelity and affection?”

  “I think you owe him the courtesy of divorcing him since he clearly doesn’t get the job done in bed.”

  Her cheeks burned with shame that he behavior had lead him to that conclusion. “I never said that! I was perfectly happy and satisfied with our physical relationship...until you made love to me.”

  “But?”

  “I believe him when he says he hasn’t been with anyone else. Do you know how cheap that makes me feel? How...underserving? And ashamed?”

  He ran a hand through his hair. “Where does that leave us? Me?”

  “I told you how I want to spend the next five weeks.”

  “And what if I can’t handle that?”

  “You said that was what you wanted.”

  “I want you to divorce him and marry me.”

  “And if I did, would you trust me?”

  He nodded. “Yes. I would.”

  “How? How could you?”

  “You’re not a woman who glories in sleeping with another man. You agonize over it. I sure as hell would not make the mistake of walking out of you and leaving the way clear for another man. I know our relationship is damaging your opinion of yourself and testing your faith. And I’m sorry I’m not a big enough man to walk away from you and let your work to repair the damage I’ve done to your marriage.”

  The turmoil she heard in his voice and saw in his gaze, made her ache. She shook her head. “Oh, Raven. Please don’t.” She crossed the room and touched his face. “I’m a grown ass woman. The damage done to my marriage is on me. Not you. Nothing happened between us that I didn’t want and fully embrace.

  “It’s not your fault that I’m weak and incapable of resisting you.” She ran her fingers along his jaw line to touch his hair. “It’s not your fault that the more I tell myself wanting you is wrong, the more I want you. And you are not a stand-in for anyone.” She leaned forward and brushed her lips against his. “I would not have betrayed Hank for Braden. Or anyone but you. You make me feel depths of emotions I’ve never felt with anyone else. I know this isn’t fair to Hank or to you, but I can’t help wanting you. Please don’t make me betray him even more by insisting I express feelings I have no right to feel for you. Please. If you love me, just please spend the next five weeks with me.”

  He groaned and then embraced her.

  They clung together in silence before he took her hand and lead her over to the bed. They didn’t make love, but drifted to sleep in each other’s arms.

  He woke her later, fully dressed for their night out. “You have an hour before we have to leave.”

  She sat up, her gaze on his face. “Are we okay?”

  He lowered his lids. “I know what you want and I’ll do my best to give it to you.”

  “Don’t you want it too?”

  “You know what I want, but that’s clearly not in the cards.”

  “Raven...”

  “I’m a grown ass man. I knew you were married when I decided to pursue you. Don’t worry about me. I’ll survive.” He picked up her hand and kissed her fingers. “Get up and get moving or you’re going to have to rush.”

  “I don’t want you to just survive, Raven. I want you to be happy.”

  “Yeah, well, that’s probably not going to be possible. But that’s my problem. Not yours and I’ll deal with it when I have to. Now are we going out or not?”

  “Yes.”

  “I ran a bath for you.”

  “Thank you.” She got up and went into the bathroom.

  Chapter Eleven

  DURING DINNER KANIA and Raven discussed her volunteer work at the animal shelter.

  “I’ve always wanted a dog or two,” he said.

  “I know. Right? Dogs rule.”

  “They do indeed. I don’t have one because I live alone and travel a lot. What’s your excuse?”

  She shrugged.

  “Hmm. Hank not a dog lover?”

  She shrugged again. “It’s not that he’s not a dog lover, it’s just that...”

  “Yes? It’s just that...what?”

  She met his gaze and surpassed amusement. “Okay. So he’s not a big dog lover.”

  He arched a brow. “You do know that a man who doesn’t like dogs is likely to be a serial killer in the making and not a suitable husband. Right?”

  She shook her head. “Raven Elkhorn. Do you have any idea how damned handsome and sexy you are when you’re just making shit up?”

  “Who’s making shit up? It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a man in want of love for dogs must be in want of a divorce.”

  She smiled, amused by his mangling of the quote from Pride and Prejudice. “Okay, Mr. Austen.”

  He reached across the table to place his hand over hers. “Marry me and we can have a country house full of dogs...and kids.”

  “You do know how old I am. Right?”

  “There are all kinds of ways to have kids these days. We can explore them all.”

  “Raven—”

  He removed his hand from hers and held it up, palm outward. “That’s my last word on the subject until and unless you raise it.”

  “Thank you.”

  He looked at her barely touched food. “Not to your taste?”

  “It’s fine, but what woman in her right mind would waste time eating when she could spend the meal feasting her eyes on you instead?”

  He laughed. “That wine must be worth every penny of its outrageous price.”

  She smiled. “Must be, handsome.”

  “I don’t suppose you want to skip the show and—”

  “You suppose right. No. I don’t want to skip the show.”

  “I was just asking. Besides, we’ll have the rest of the night to ourselves.”

  “Yes, Raven Elkhorn, we will.”

  “Damn. Let’s go see the show.”

  She found the show all the more enjoyable seeing it with Raven seated beside her, occasionally pressing his leg against hers or placing his hand on her thigh. “That was wonderful,” she said as they started the return drive.

  “Was it?”

  She frowned. “Didn’t you like it?”

  “
Not particularly, no. I’d much rather see an action movie than sit through a play.”

  She cast a glance at his profile. “Thanks.”

  “For what?”

  “For getting the tickets and taking me.”

  “No thanks necessary. There’s not much I wouldn’t do for you, cher.”

  She sighed. “I’m sorry, Raven.”

  “About?”

  “That I didn’t...when I ended things with Braden...I was hurt and angry and...I never thought...I mean I know all the years you flirted with me. And I was flattered, but...”

  “But what?”

  “I don’t know. I guess...after Braden and I broke up—”

  “You didn’t break up. You kicked his ass to the curb.”

  She glowered at him and continued as if he hadn’t interrupted her. “After we broke up, you stopped flirting. And every time I saw you, you were on a mission to make me take him back. So I guess...I thought you just liked flirting with me when there was no chance of it ever coming to anything. And I was too hurt and raw to even want to think about putting myself in a position to see him again until I was ready to move on. When I was...you were nowhere around and Hank was. He was there when I really needed a man in my life.”

  “Is that why you married him?”

  “I married him because we fell in love. Why is that concept so difficult for you?”

  He sighed. “Fine. There’s no point in litigating the past. The future, however, can be what we want it to be...what we make it.”

  But what kind of future could they have at Hank’s expense and at the expense of her fast dwindling self-respect? Before she could respond, his phone rang. Hearing his mother’s name announced, she suppressed a sigh.

  “I need to get this,” he said and told his smart speaker to put the call on speaker. “Mom. Hi. I have you on speakerphone. Is everything all right?”

  “I’m fine, Raven. How are you?”

  “Good.”

  “Good? Are you really good?”

  “Okay, maybe not good, but not bad.”

  “How is Mrs. Johnson?”

  “Mrs. Johnson?”

  “Surely you remember Mrs. Johnson. She lived across the street from me.”

  “Oh. Of course. I haven’t seen her, Mom.”

  “You’re not staying at home?”

  “No.”

  “So how are the Martins? Braden’s nearest neighbors?”

  “I’m staying with a friend.”

  Kania tensed, uncomfortable hearing the conversation with his mother.

  “Oh. A friend.”

  “Yes, Mom, a friend.”

  She sighed. “I just finished dinner with the boys and their families. Seneka and Shane. Braden is still away.”

  “Yes. I know.”

  “We had a lovely time. Seeing your brothers so happy and content, made me think of you. I want what your brothers have for you.”

  “I know.”

  “Any chance of that happening anytime soon?”

  “I don’t know.”

  “So this friend of yours...I know I made mistakes with Braden. Bad mistakes, but—”

  “Mom, Bray is very happy with Neida.”

  “I know he is. She’s a lovely woman.”

  “Yes she is.”

  “But then so was Kania. And I know she was his first choice. His first real love.”

  “Yes, she was, but they’ve both moved on. I know Bray wouldn’t want you to beat yourself up over the past.” He paused and casted a quick look at her.

  She nodded.

  “And I’m sure Kania wouldn’t either.”

  “I love Neida, but I wish I’d encouraged Braden to follow his heart with Kania. I somehow forgot that the heart wants what the heart wants. That’s a mistake I promise that I won’t make with you, Raven. I will love, embrace and welcome whoever you love.”

  “Thank you, Mom. That means a lot to me.”

  “Can you tell me something about your friend?”

  Kania inhaled and tensed again.

  “I will when there’s something to tell.”

  “You said I’m on speakerphone. Are you with her now?”

  “Yes, but I’m driving, Mom. Can I call you back tomorrow?”

  “Yes. Assure her that she will receive the warmest of welcomes from me. Drive safely, Raven and know I love you.”

  “I will and I love you too, Mom. Good night.”

  Kania waited until the call disconnected before she released a relieved breath.

  “You see? She has nothing but love for you, cheré.”

  “I’m sure that love would sour if she knew we were sleeping together while I’m married to Hank.”

  He sighed. “So divorce his ass. Problem solved.”

  “You know, Elkhorn, I’m old enough to remember when you promised not to broach that subject again,” she reminded him.

  He laughed. “My bad, but technically, you alluded to your marriage first. I just responded.”

  “Always the damned double-talking lawyer,” she teased.

  He shrugged. “Hey. Don’t knock it. Double-talking has stood me in good financial stead.”

  She nodded. He’d probably already made as much if not more money in his career than her father had in his forty-year career in family law. Corporate attorneys of his caliber did not come cheap.

  “It will allow me to take very good care of you financially.”

  “Thanks to inheriting my dad, mother’s and her second husband estates, I can take care of myself.” She placed her hand on his thigh. “But I appreciate the thought.”

  “So if I can’t bribe you with money, how can I get you to marry me?”

  “Raven—”

  “Okay. Just asking.”

  They spent half an hour dancing in the moonlight at home before going to bed. To her surprise, he didn’t demur when she wanted to sleep in the guestroom. After undressing, they slipped into bed and made love. She clung to him and moaned with pleasure as he ejaculated inside her. Then she drifted to sleep with his body curled against her back.

  She woke abruptly in the middle of the night to find him rocking her and asking if she were all right. “What happened?” She asked, confused.

  “You had another nightmare.”

  She inhaled slowly, realizing she was shaking. She brushed her cheek against his shoulder. “Did I say anything?”

  He sighed. “It was about Hank walking in on us together.”

  “And?”

  He sighed again. “You swore you still loved him. Not me.”

  She sucked in a breath and pulled away from him. “I’m sorry.”

  He reached over to turn on the light on his side of the bed. “About?”

  “I want to be with you. I do, but I can’t help feeling guilty and...” She wrapped her arms around her body. “What am I doing? He doesn’t deserve this.”

  “Why do I feel that for every step forward you let me take, you take two away from me?”

  She lifted the sheet to cover her breasts. “I want to be with you, but I feel like...a slut every time I let you touch me...knowing...believing that he’s being celebrate. He’s taking cold showers and I’m allowing and encouraging you to screw me senseless.”

  “For the last damn time, divorce him.”

  “I can’t.”

  “I think you mean you won’t.”

  “I took vows and—”

  “Fuck your vows!” He snapped and suddenly slipped out of bed. “You think you’re the only one with a conscience? You think your self-esteem is the only one suffering? You think this is easy for me? It’s not, damn it. I know what we’re doing in wrong. And you know what? I can’t do it anymore.”

  “What’s that supposed to me?”

  “Whatever the fuck you want it too. I admit it. I screwed up royalty. I know you’re having nightmares because of our relationship. And you know what? So am I. We’re both having nightmares and neither of us are happy. So you know what? I’m done.” He picked up h
is clothes and left the bedroom.

  She slipped back down in bed, waiting to hear the slam of the door as he left. After several minutes of silence, she lay in bed, clutching the sheet over her body. In the morning, they’d have to talk and she’d have to make up her damn mind what she wanted. No. She knew she wanted him, but wasn’t sure what she was prepared to do to keep him in her life.

  And it was long past time for her to either do the right thing and divorce Hank or end her relationship with Raven.

  KANIA WOKE WITH A FEELING of foreboding. The house was quiet and she just knew, even without looking around, that Raven had left. When she checked the closet and saw that his suitcase and garment bag were gone, she caught her breath.

  She checked her phone. There was no message from him. It was as she went into the master bedroom to shower that she saw the envelop on the pillow. Her heart raced and her hands shook as she reached for it.

  She had to take several deep breathes before she opened it.