Witch's Guide To A Magical Life: Magic and Mayhem Universe (Baba Yaga Adventures)

by Donna McDonald

  “Why in seven hells are you sleeping in the middle of the day?”

  “What the effing hell?” Hildy shouted before screaming as she rolled off the small stainless-steel table and onto the hard floor. She glared up at the Baba Yaga as she sat up. “Laugh at me, and there will be one less witch protectress in the world. Damn you, Carol. I was trying to catch a nap between patients.”

  “Sorry,” Carol said, reaching down a hand to help her friend to her feet. Most days she’d be laughing her ass off right now. Goddess, she wished it were one of those days.

  “Where’s the bear? Why isn’t Chuck here trying to sneak in some nap nookie with you?”

  “He’s with the cubs.” Hildy’s gaze snapped to her friend’s in alarm. “Hey—did you just apologize to me?”

  Carol sighed at being caught. “Yes. Don’t start nitpicking. This is not a good time. Where’s that slang-talking bobcat that likes to hang around? He’s vicious. Doesn’t he still work for you?”

  “Why are you here? What’s wrong?” Hildy demanded.

  Carol walked to a basket and picked up a towel only to discover it was saturated in some kind of animal blood. “Oh… yuck. You need to catch up on your laundry.”

  “It’s been a busy healing day. There was a shifter fight…” Hildy paused, then shook her head. “Mac handled it like he always does, and everything is fine now. The Baba Yaga has bigger problems. And speaking of those—what’s the Great One doing in Assjacket besides tormenting her tired friend?”

  Carol looked at Hildy, looked around, and then shook her head. “Nope. I just can’t talk to you here in this gross place.” She waved a hand and transported them both to Hildy’s kitchen.

  Hildy ran to the sink and started dry heaving. When she got control of her gagging, she turned to glare. “Damn it, Carol. I told you never to transport me without warning me first. I still have a little trouble maintaining, especially when it’s someone like you doing the transporting.”

  Carol grunted as she narrowed her gaze. “I thought your wicked brother taught you how to do it without getting sick.”

  Hildy turned to the faucet and filled a glass with some water. “Fabio did teach me. That doesn’t mean I don’t still have to be careful and go slower than most. And don’t bad-mouth my little brother to me. He may be a man-whore, but Fabio’s a damn good warlock.”

  “Gee, Sis, I didn’t know you cared that much.”

  Both women gasped and threw out a hand in defense. Fabio barely managed to duck before two fireballs flew over his bent form to burn large holes in the wall.

  “Fabio! What in seven hells are you doing sneaking up on us?” Hildy shouted. She pointed behind him. “And my wall… you made me blow a hole in it. Chuck’s going to kill you. He just fixed the holes the cubs made playing ball in the house.”

  Carol heard Hildy’s fussing, but her own interests overrode that concern. She glared at Fabio. “Are you following me?” she demanded. “Because that would be a terrible idea for you, warlock.”

  Fabio’s first answer was to return her glare with one of his own. The second was a snort. She shouldn’t have found his reaction funny, but she did… damn the man. That meant he’d come back from where she’d sent him to see his sister. It was hard to keep from smiling.

  “You sent me to Timbuktu, Carol. I figured that meant you needed some time to adjust to the idea of…”

  Before he could finish, Carol flicked a hand and put several pieces of duct tape over a shocked Fabio’s mouth. She pointed her finger and gave him her best Baba Yaga stare. “Stop talking, or I’ll send you somewhere you won’t be able to return from so easily.”

  Hildy looked between her brother and her friend as Fabio pulled off the duct tape and swore at the Baba Yaga. Their fighting was nothing new, but it was annoying. “Will someone please tell me what in Goddesses name is going on?”

  “I’ll tell you what’s going on. The Baba Yaga is certifiably insane,” Fabio insisted while he rubbed his mouth. He glared again at Carol. “Your hurt my lips… and I didn’t know you were coming here. I came to see my sister. My gut said something was wrong. I’ve learned the hard way to listen to those feelings.”

  “Oh,” Carol said flatly. It was hard not to accept his reasoning when her own sense of dread sent her here as well. “I guess I’m sorry for jumping to conclusions, but I’m not apologizing for the duct tape. Watch what you do with that mouth of yours, Warlock.”

  “You didn’t complain about what I did with it yesterday,” Fabio bragged.

  Carol flicked her hand and put more duct tape than before on his mouth. She fought not to grin at his mumbled swearing at her under it. She even saw Hildy look away to hide a laugh before turning back to glare at her over tormenting her brother.

  “Did you two have to come here to fight? I wasn’t kidding about the long day. I really do need a nap,” Hildy informed them.

  “No, we absolutely did not come here to fight,” Carol said firmly, taking a seat at Hildy’s table.

  “No—owww—hell no,” Fabio said after he’d yanked off all the tape again.

  Carol lifted a finger in warning when he opened his mouth. She could see a determination in his eyes to blurt out to Hildy about that stupid kiss. She only relaxed when Fabio shut his lips and went to the sink to wash the tape glue off his face.

  “I wish just once the two of you could freaking get along.” Hildy waved a hand at the table and conjured up tea for three. “Tea is all you two battling idiots get. No cookies for either of you.”

  “Nobody has to bake when I’m around,” Carol said as she waved a hand. A heaping plate of cookies appeared on the table right in front of a now subdued Fabio. “Fabio and I will not fight anymore. Right, Fabio?”

  Carol fought not to smile when Fabio called her something ugly under her breath before he took a cookie and ate it. To soothe his ego and make it worth losing the argument, she made him a cup of tea and passed it to him.

  Then she handed Hildy a cookie and poured tea for her as well.

  When everyone had a refreshment, Carol threw off the momentary bout of domesticity and turned to the woman who’d always been her most faithful friend. She would allow nothing to harm her.

  “Hildy, I need you to go back to Gaia’s cave and stay there until I tell you to come home.”

  “No—but why would you ask me to do that?” Hildy asked, munching on a cookie.

  Carol squirmed in her seat. “Because the council members who betrayed the Jezibaba and us have escaped their incarceration. My warlocks are investigating.”

  “Your warlocks aren’t getting by the jail’s gatekeeper, not even Harry,” Fabio said with a dry laugh. “That old fart who runs the place was semi-wrong in his report to you.”

  “Are you saying Sir Grumpus lied to me?” Carol demanded, feeling her hackles rise at the idea.

  Fabio grabbed another cookie and shrugged. “Not a lie—he just trusted his eyes too much. Elenora, the Dragoness of the horde of The One, made some inquiries. She and that dragon she mated have concluded that the person was someone on the inside who used a dragon transmutation spell—a potent one. They also suspect dark magic was involved because no normal magical has that much to spare. That’s why the wards failed to show a breach. There was no breach. It was an inside job.”

  “The jails are warded against the use of magic—inside and out.”

  “My research has shown that it’s impossible to ward against all forms of dark magic. No one with Gaia’s power can do that without becoming dark themselves. That’s why those using dark magic are typically killed instead of being incarcerated.”

  Carol glared. “You’re certainly well-informed for a warlock. Harry warned me you were a nerd.”

  “You might call me a hacker of magic. Some do.”

  His theory was sound, but Zenos had taught her that transformation required a sacrifice of life force which few were willing to make. “Transformation spells come with the highest cost of any magic in Gaia’s rea
lm. Why would anyone spell themselves to look like a dragon just to instigate a prison break? That doesn’t seem very worthy of the personal sacrifice such a spell requires.”

  Fabio glared at the woman who wouldn’t let him get close even though it was all he thought about. “I know the details, but obviously, I don’t have any answers. So you tell me, Baba Yaga. I thought you didn’t need anyone to help you figure things out.”

  Carol narrowed her gaze. “If you’re still trying to make me kill you, your plan is working better today.”

  Hildy rolled her eyes. “Will you guys stop with the death threats and get a room already?”

  “No,” Fabio and Carol answered at the same time.

  “Never happening,” Carol added.

  “There’s no time to seduce her properly,” Fabio explained to his sister who chuckled.

  He looked back at the woman he’d always adored. She looked tame refilling their teacups, but he knew what was inside her “I think you know who did this, don’t you, Carol? Why are you here instead of tracking down the bad guy?”

  Hildy turned to Carol. “Not that I’m taking sides in this fruitless discussion, but I’d also like to know why you’re here.”

  Carol turned to Hildy and glared at her lack of innate gratitude. “Because I found out that Isobel is missing. Apparently, the jailbreak was to get her out as well. This is her doing. That’s the only answer even though I haven’t proved it yet.”

  Hildy frowned. “Damn it. I should have killed her when I had the chance.”

  “Agreed,” Carol said. “Killing her is exactly what I’m going to do this time. I wanted to make sure you were watching your ass before I went after her.”

  Hildy grunted. “The Baba Yaga isn’t the only one capable of saving herself. Keep in mind that I’m the one who stopped Isobel last time.”

  “She will have learned her lesson about underestimating you now. She won’t indulge in any more monologues or bragging stories. Isobel’s a formidable enemy. This time when she strikes, it will be to kill.”

  Sighing, Hildy nodded. “You’re right.”

  Carol turned to Fabio. “And you were right about sensing danger. Stay with your sister. Hildy may need your help.”

  “You need help too,” Fabio said gruffly. “Who’s going to help you?”

  “I have the warlocks now, remember?”

  Fabio nodded. “I know, but they’re not like me.”

  “No, they’re not, but all my rules apply to them. There’s one rule I have for them that I will never be able to apply to you. Give up wanting to be on my posse. It’s never happening.”

  Carol leaned over and put her hand on his where it rested on the table. “Being Baba Yaga is my job. It’s what I was born to do. You may be one of her champions, but you’re not Morgana’s primary champion. I was chosen for that role.”

  Fabio flipped his hand over and gripped hers tight. “Then promise me you’ll be as careful as you can possibly be.”

  Even though him holding her hand felt more comforting than any touch she’d experienced to date, Carol leaned on her sense of duty and tugged her hand free of his.

  Fabio made her feel wanted and cared for, but he also made her weak and needy too. He made her want to run away with him instead of standing and fighting for the people she was protecting.

  Carol sighed at the sudden urge she had to crawl into Fabio’s lap for a hug. What in seven hells was Morgana thinking with her stupid matchmaking?

  She needed a distraction, so she turned to Hildy again. “Where are your cats?”

  “I sent them to guard the cubs and Chuck’s mother.”

  “Call them back to you,” Carol ordered, climbing to her feet. She started to the door. “And if you still have the dragon fire amulet Professor Smoke gave you when we were kids, put it on and keep it on. I don’t know how many dragon abilities get passed in transmutation.”

  “Carol wait…” Hildy hopped up and charged after her friend, catching her in a hug at the doorway. “Be careful tracking her down. I still don’t want your job.”

  Carol laughed and hugged Hildy tight. “Good—because you can’t have it. I promise I’ll be fine. Ahmed is still around and my new chief warlock, Harry, is downright awesome. I’ve never been safer than I am now.”

  “I’m going to let Elenora know about Isobel. May she and Zenos can come help you. It might take a dragon to catch a dragon.”

  “Great idea,” Carol said, hugging again. “Now turn me loose. Harry’s looking for me. I can tell you now. Being bound to the warlocks is like having eight children yelling for me all at once.”

  As Hildy backed away, Fabio scooped her up and squeezed her. “My turn,” he whispered.

  Carol blew out a frustrated breath as she worked to keep calm. “Turn me loose, idiot. I have to go.”

  Fabio planted a hard kiss on her reluctant mouth. She punched him in the chest and knocked him backward for making her lips tingle.

  Carol flat refused to think about what else started vibrating every time Fabio got that close.

  She smiled when she saw Hildy grab the back of her brother’s shirt to keep him from attacking her again. Deciding to help, Carol waved a hand and bound him in ropes. Laughing, she also threw some duct tape over his mouth so Hildy wouldn’t have to listen to his swearing.

  While Hildy laughed and held onto her hostage brother, Carol grinned and waved.

  She mentally smacked her forehead when she started wondering if tying Fabio up had turned him on.

  Not daring to look at the tempting male too long, Carol lifted a hand to return to her yurt and hear what her warlocks had managed to find out.

  9

  “Sir Grumpus has been looking into this situation since he spoke with you. He was very disturbed that the witch Isobel is among the missing. He said more precautions had been taken with her incarceration than any other magical he’d ever seen put into a cell.”

  Carol chuckled at Harry’s formality. “You call your great-great-grandfather by his proper title?”

  Harry shrugged. “Only when we’re both working. He insists we stay professional.”

  “Right,” Carol said. It didn’t surprise her to hear that the old fart was exerting power over his own flesh and blood. “And is Sir Grumpus still insistent that it was a dragon who freed the council members?”

  “Yes, but…”

  Carol held up a hand. “I believe him now.”

  “You do?”

  Nodding solemnly at the surprise in Harry’s voice, Carol changed the table at the front to a comfortable chair and sat. She waved a hand at the warlocks and changed their chairs too. “I can’t think when I’m uncomfortable… or when you guys look uncomfortable.”

  Harry snapped his fingers and conjured a stool to perch on. “I hope this is okay for me. I’m too restless to sit in a chair for more than a few seconds.”

  “Noted,” Carol said, waving away his concern.

  How had she never noticed how much she waved her hands when she spoke? She liked to feel the air give way to her swiping at it, but now she was conscious of seven pairs of eyes watching her every moment. It was both eerie and sort of cool to have so much attention.

  “I have reasons to believe the dragon Sir Grumpus saw was the witch Isobel. I think she found a way to boost her dark magic enough to perform a transmutation spell to change her form into a dragon. I don’t know why she chose that particular creature.”

  “It could be because Zenos put a spell on her area after she was incarcerated,” Harry explained. “Sir Grumpus didn’t see any harm from the additional lock-down, so he allowed the dragon mage to do it.”

  Carol sat up straighter. “Damn Zenos. He should have warned me. What kind of spell did he cast?”

  “A denial spell.”

  “Never heard of a denial spell. Explain,” Carol ordered.

  “Her exit was denied except in one form only.”

  “Dragon…” Carol guessed, swiping at the air. “Goddess, Zenos chos
e the one form he thought she’d never be able to take.” She leaned back and smiled. “That was actually kind of brilliant. It would have worked flawlessly except that Isobel’s magic is different from what most other magicals wield. Dark magic comes beyond the veil between the realms. It doesn’t follow Gaia’s rules. The fairies recently found that out the hard way. They almost lost both queens to it.”

  “Dark magic may also explain the rest of what we discovered.”

  Carol lifted both brows. “And what was that?”

  Harry looked at the rest of the warlocks. “I’m going to let Johnson tell you straight. Dick pointed out the correlation, and Peter helped us figure out the proper connection. But Johnson was the first to find evidence, so it’s only fair he makes the report.”

  Carol burst out laughing. She looked at the warlocks. “Johnson?”

  “Here, Great One,” Johnson said, standing up.

  Giggling, Carol called out. “Where is the Dick you mentioned?”

  “Here!”

  “Peter?”

  “Here as well, Great One.”

  Carol almost choked as the inevitable question all but leaped out of her mouth. “Are there any Dongs in my posse?”

  The guy on the end of the second row raised his hand slowly. Laughter burst from her as he did and erased the rest of her manners along with her professionalism. After a good two minutes, Carol rubbed tears from her eyes while she fought for control.

  Man tools—her warlocks were named for man tools. It was a bit like having her own boy’s club. Hildy was simply going to die laughing when she told her. But Goddess, she could never tell Zenos without him talking smack about the Baba Yaga to everyone he met.

  When her laughter finally faded away, Carol smiled at them all. “It was incredibly rude of me to laugh at your names, but thanks for being good sports about it. I really needed a good laugh today. Thank you.”

  Carol chuckled again at their reassurances that everything was fine. She wondered how long their politeness would last. She probably needed to enjoy their efforts to please her while she could.