Wolfville Nights

by Alfred Henry Lewis

  CHAPTER XV.

  Bowlegs and Major Ben.

  "Which this yere Major Ben," remarked the Old Cattleman, "taken inconjunction with his bosom pard, Billy Bowlaigs, frames up the onlycasooalty which gets inaug'rated in Wolfville."

  "What!" I interjected; "don't you consider the divers killings,--thedeath of the Stinging Lizard and the Dismissal of Silver Phil, to saynothing of the taking off of the Man from Red Dog--don't you, I say,consider such bloody matters casualties?"

  "No, sir," retorted my friend, emitting the while sundry stubborn puffsof smoke, "no, sir; I regyards them as results. Tharfore, I reiteratesthat this yere Major Ben an' Bowlaigs accomplishes between 'em the onlytroo casooalty whereof Wolfville has a record."

  At this he paused and surveyed me with an eye of challenge; after abit, perceiving that I proposed no further contradiction, he went on:

  "This Billy Bowlaigs at first is a cub b'ar--a black cub b'ar: an' whenhe grows up to manhood, so to speak, he's as big, an' mighty near asstrong physical, as Dan Boggs. Nacherally, however, Dan lays overBowlaigs mental like a ace-full.

  "It's Dave Tutt who makes Bowlaigs captive; Dave rounds Bowlaigs up inhis infancy one time when he's pesterin' about over in the foothills ofthe Floridas lookin' for blacktail deer. Dave meets up with Bowlaigsan' the latter's mother who's out, evident, on a scout for grub.Bowlaig's mother has jest upturned a rotten pine-log to give littleBowlaigs a chance to rustle some of these yere egreegious white wormswhich looks like bald catapillars, that a-way, when all at once arounda p'int of rocks Dave heaves in view. This parent of Bowlaigs is asbesotted about her son as many hooman mothers; for while Bowlaigsstands almost as high as she does an' weighs clost onto two hundredpounds, the mother b'ar still has the idee tangled up in herintelligence that Bowlaigs is that small an' he'pless, day-old kittensis se'f-sustainin' citizens by compar'son to him. Actin' on these yereerrors, Bowlaig's mother the moment she glimpses Dave grabs youngBowlaigs by the scruff of the neck an' goes caperin' off up hill withhim. An' to give that parent b'ar full credit, she's gettin' along allright an' conductin' herse'f as though Bowlaigs don't heft no more thanone of them gooseha'r pillows, when, accidental, she bats pore Bowlaigsag'in the bole of a tree--him hangin' outen her mouth about threefoot--an' while the collision shakes that monarch of the forest some,Bowlaigs gets knocked free of her grip an' goes rollin' down themountain-side ag'in like a sack of bran. It puts quite a crimp inBowlaigs. The mother b'ar, full of s'licitoode to save her offspringturns, an' charges Dave; tharupon Dave downs her, an' young Bowlaigsbecomes a orphan an' a pris'ner on the spot.

  "Followin' the demise of Bowlaig's mother, Dave sort o' feelsreesponsible for the cub's bringin' up an' he ties him hand an' foot,an' after peelin' the pelt from the old mother b'ar, packs the entireoutfit into camp. Dave's pony protests with green eyes ag'in carryin'sech a freight, but Dave has his way as he usually does with everythingexcept Tucson Jennie.

  "At first Dave allows he'll let Bowlaigs live with him a whole lot an'keep him ontil he grows up, an' construct a pet of him. But as I morethan once makes plain, Dave proposes but Tucson Jennie disposes; an' soit befalls that on the third day after the cub takes up his residencewith her an' Dave, Jennie arms herse'f with a broom an' harasses theonfortunate Bowlaigs from her wickeyup. Jennie declar's that shediscovers Bowlaigs organisin' to devour her child Enright Peets Tutt,who's at that epock comin' three the next spring round-up.

  "'I could read it in that Bowlaigs b'ar's eyes,' says Jennie, 'an' it'smighty lucky a parent's faculties is plumb keen. If I hadn't got in onthe play with my broom, you can bet that inordinate Bowlaigs would havedone eat little Enright Peets all up.

  "Shore, no one credits these yere apprehensions of Jennie's; Bowlaigswould no more have chewed up Enright Peets than he'd playedtable-stakes with him; but a fond mother's fears once stampeded is notto be headed off or ca'med, an' Bowlaigs has to shift his camp a heap.

  "Bowlaigs takes up his abode on the heels of him bein' run out byTucson Jennie, over to the corral; that is, he bunks in thar temp'raryat least. An' he shore grows amazin', an' enlarges doorin' the nextthree months to sech a degree that when he stands up to the counter inthe Red Light, acceptin' of some proffered drink, Bowlaigs comes clostto bein' as tall as folks. He early learns throughout his wakefulmoments--what I'd deescribe as his business hours--to make the RedLight a hang-out; it's the nosepaint he's hankerin' after, for in notime at all Bowlaigs accoomulates a appetite for rum that's a fa'rmatch for that of either Huggins or Old Monte, an' them two sots is forlong known as far west as the Colorado an' as far no'th as the Needlesas the offishul drunkards of Arizona. No; Bowlaigs ain't equal topourin' down the raw nosepaint; but Black Jack humours his weakness an'Bowlaigs is wont to take off his libations about two parts water to oneof whiskey an' a lump of sugar in the bottom, outen one of these bigtumbler glasses; meanwhiles standin' at the bar an' holdin' the glassbetween his two paws an' all as ackerate an' steady as the mosttalented inebriate.

  "'An' Bowlaigs has this distinction,' says Black Jack, alloodin' to thesugar an' water; 'he's shore the only gent for whom I so far onbendsfrom reg'lar rools as to mix drinks.'

  "Existence goes flowin' onward like some glad sweet song for Bowlaigsfor mighty likely it's two months an' nothin' remarkable eventuates.He camps in over to the corral, an' except that new ponies, who ain'tonto Bowlaigs, commonly has heart-failure at the sight of him, he don'tfound no disturbances nor get in anybody's way. Throughout his wakin'hours, as I su'gests former, Bowlaigs ha'nts about the Red Light,layin' guileful an' cunnin' for invites to drink; an' he execootesbesides small excursions to the O.K. Restauraw for chuck, with now an'then a brief journey to the Post Office or the New York store. Thesevisits of Bowlaigs to the last two places, both because he don't get noletters at the post office an' don't demand no clothes at the store, Iattribootes to motives of morbid cur'osity, that a-way.

  "The first real trouble that meets up with Bowlaigs--who's got to be ay'ar old by now--since Jennie fights the dooel with him with thatbroom, overtakes him at the O.K. Restauraw. Missis Rucker for onething ain't over fond of Bowlaigs, allegin' as he grows older day byday he looks more an' more like Rucker. Of course, sech views isfigments as much as the alarms of Tucson Jennie about Bowlaigsmeditatin' gettin' away with little Enright Peets; but Missis Rucker,in spite of whatever we gent folks can say in Bowlaigs's behalf,believes firm in her own slanders. She asserts that Bowlaigs as heonfolds looks like Rucker; an' for her at least that settles thesubject an' she assoomes towards Bowlaigs attitoodes which, wouldperhaps have been proper had her charge been troo.

  "Still, I'll say for that most esteemable lady, that Missis Ruckernever lays for Bowlaigs or assaults him ontil one afternoon when hecatches the dinin'-room deserted an' off its gyard an' goes romancin'over, cat-foot an' surreptitious, an' cleans up the tables of whatchuck has been placed thar in antic'pation of supper. The first newsMissis Rucker has of the raid is when Bowlaigs gets a half-hitch on thetablecloth an' winds up his play by yankin' the entire outfit ofspoons, tin plates an' crockery off onto the floor. It's then MissisRucker sallies from the kitchen an' puts Bowlaigs to flight.

  "Bowlaigs, who's plumb scared, comes lumberin' over to the Red Lightan' puts himse'f onder our protection. Enright squar's it for him; forwhen Missis Rucker appears subsequent with a Winchester an' a knife an'gives it out cold she's goin' to get Bowlaig's hide an' tallow an' sell'em to pay even for that dinin'-room desolation of which he's thearchitect, Enright counts up the damage an' pays over twenty-threedollars in full settlement. Does Bowlaigs know it? You can gamble thelimit he knows it; for all the time Missis Rucker is prancin' about theRed Light denouncin' him, he secretes himse'f, shiverin', behind thebar; an' when that lady withdraws, mollified an' subdooed by the money,he creeps out, Bowlaigs does, an' cries an' licks Enright's hand. Oh,he's a mighty appreciative b'ar, pore Bowlaigs is; but his nerves isthat onstrung by the perils he passes through with Missis Rucker ittakes two big dr
inks to recover his sperits an' make him feel like thesame b'ar. It's Texas Thompson who buys the drinks:

  "'For I, of all gents, Bowlaigs,' says Texas, as he invites thefoogitive to the bar, 'onderstands what you-all's been through. It maybe imagination, but jest the same thar's them times when Missis Ruckergoes on the warpath when she reminds me a lot of my divorced Laredowife.' With that Texas pours a couple of hookers of Willow Run intoBowlaigs, an' the latter is a heap cheered an' his pulse declines tonormal.

  "It's rum, however, which final is the deestruction of Bowlaigs, sameas it is of plenty of other good people who would have else lived inhonour an' died respected an' been tearfully planted in manner an' formto do 'em proud.

  "Excloosive of that casooalty which marks his wind-up, an' which hecombines with Major Ben to commit, thar's but one action of Bowlaigs aenemy might call a crime. He does prounce on a mail bag one evenin'when the post-master ain't lookin', an' shore rends an' worrits themletters scand'lous.

  "Yes, Bowlaigs gets arrested, an' the Stranglers sort o' convenesinformal to consider it. I allers remembers that session of theStranglers on account of Doc Peets an' Colonel William Greene Sterettentertain' opp'site views an' the awful language they indulges in asthey expresses an' sets 'em forth.

  "'Which I claims that this Bowlaigs b'ar,' says Peets, combatin' asuggestion of Dan Boggs who's sympathisin' with an' urges that Bowlaigsis 'ignorant of law an' tharfore innocent of offence,' 'which I claimsthat this Bowlaig b'ar is guilty of rustlin' the mails an' must an'should be hanged. His ignorance is no defences, for don't each gentpresent know of that aphorism of the law, _Ignoratis legia nonexcusat_!'

  "Dan, nacherally, is enable to combat sech profound bluffs as this, an'I'm free to confess if it ain't for Colonel Sterett buttin' in withmore Latin, the same bein' of equal cogency with that of Peet's, thefooture would have turned plenty dark an' doobious for Bowlaigs. AsDan sinks back speechless an' played from Peet's shot, the Colonel, whobein' eddicated like Peets to a feather aige is ondismayed an' cool,comes to the rescoo.

  "'That law proverb you quotes, Doc,' says the Colonel, 'is deadc'rrect, an' if argyment was to pitch its last camp thar, yourdeductions that this benighted Bowlaigs must swing, would beondeniable. But thar's a element lackin' in this affair without whichno offence is feasible. The question is,--an' I slams it at you, Doc,as a thoughtful eddicated sharp--does this yere Bowlaigs open themletters an' bust into that mail bag _causa lucrae_? I puts this queryup to you-all, Doc, for answer. It's obv'ous that Bowlaigs ain't gotno notion of money bein' in them missives an' tharfore he couldn't havebeen moved by no thoughts of gain. Wherefore I asserts that the deedis not done _causa lucrae_, an' that the case ag'in this he'plessBowlaigs falls to the ground.'

  "Followin' this yere collision of the classics between two sechscientists as Peets an' the Colonel, we-all can be considered ashangin' mighty anxious on what reply Doc Peets is goin' to make. Butafter some thought, Peets agrees with the Colonel. He admits that this_causa lucrae_ is a bet he overlooks, an' that now the Colonel drawshis attention to it, he's bound to say he believes the Colonel to beright, an' that Bowlaigs should be made a free onfettered b'ar ag'in.We breathes easier at this, for the tension has been great, an' Danhimse'f is that relieved he comes a heap clost to sheddin' tears. Thetrial closes with the customary drinks; Bowlaigs gettin' his fortydrops with the rest, on the hocks of which he signalises hisreestoration to his rights an' freedom as a citizen by quilin' up inhis corner an' goin' to sleep.

  "But the end is on its lowerin' way for Bowlaigs. Thar's a senileparty who's packed his blankets into camp an' who's called 'Major Ben.'The Major, so the whisper goes, used to be quartermaster over to FortCraig or Fort Apache, or mebby now it's Fort Cummings or some'ers; an'he gets himse'f dismissed for makin' away with the bank-roll. Be thatas it may, the Major's plenty drunk an' military while he lasts amongus; an' he likewise has _dinero_ for whatever nosepaint an' food an'farobank he sees fit to go ag'inst. From the jump the Major makes upto Bowlaigs an' the two become pards. The Major allows he likesBowlaigs because he can't talk.

  "'Which if all my friends,' says the Major, no doubt alloodin' to themwitnesses ag'in him when he's cashiered, 'couldn't have talked no morethan Bowlaigs, I'd been happy yet.'

  "The Major's got a diminyootive wickeyup out to the r'ar of the corral,an' him an' Bowlaigs resides tharin. This habitat of the Major an'Bowlaigs ain't much bigger than a seegyar box; it's only eight foot byten, is made of barn-boards an' has a canvas roof. That's the kind ofranch Bowlaigs an' the Major calls 'home'; the latter spreadin' hisblankets on one side while Bowlaigs sleeps on t'other on the boardfloor, needin' no blankets, havin' advantage over the Major seein' he'sgot fur.

  "The dispoote between Bowlaigs an' the Major which results in both of'em cashin' in, gets started erroneous. The Major--who's sometimes tooindolent an' sometimes too drunk to make the play himse'f--instructsBowlaig how to go over to the Red Light an' fetch a bottle of rum. TheMajor would chuck a silver dollar in a little basket, an' Bowlaigswould take it in his mouth same as you-all has seen dogs, an' reportwith the layout to Black Jack. That gent would make the shift, bottlefor dollar, an' Bowlaigs would reepair back ag'in to the Major, whenthey'd both tank up ecstatic.

  "One mornin' after Bowlaigs an' the Major's been campin' together aboutfour months, they wakes up mighty jaded. They've had a onusual spreethe evenin' prior an' they feels like a couple of sore-head dogs. TheMajor who needs a drink to line up for the day, gropes about in hisblankets, gets a dollar, pitches it into the basket an' requestsBowlaigs to caper over for the Willow Run. Bowlaigs is nothin' loth;but as he's about to pick up the basket, he observes that the dollarhas done bounced out an' fell through a crack in the floor. Bowlaigssees it through the same crack where it's layin' shinin' onder thehouse.

  "Now this yere Bowlaigs is a mighty sagacious b'ar, also froogal, an'so he goes wallowin' forth plenty prompt to recover the dollar. TheMajor, who's ignorant of what's happened, still lays thar groanin' inhis blankets, feelin' like a loser an' nursin' his remorse.

  "The first p'inter the Major gets of a new deal in his destinies is agrand crash as the entire teepee upheaves an' goes over, kerwallop! onits side, hurlin' the Major out through the canvas. It's thethoughtless Bowlaigs does it.

  "When Bowlaigs gets outside, he finds he can't crawl onder the teepeenone, seein' it's settin' too clost to the ground; an' tharupon, bein'a one-ideed b'ar, he sort o' runs his right arm in beneath that edificean' up-ends the entire shebang, same as his old mother would a log whenshe's grub-huntin' in the hills. Bowlaigs is pickin' up the dollarwhen the Major comes swarmin' 'round the ruins of his outfit, a bowiein his hand, an' him fairly locoed with rage.

  "Shore, thar's a fight, an' the Major gets the knife plumb toBowlaigs's honest heart with the first motion. But Bowlaigs quitsgame; he turns with a warwhoop an' confers on the Major a swat thatwould have broke the back of a bronco; an' then he dies with his teethin the Major's neck.

  "The Major only lives a half hour after we gets thar. An' it's to hiscredit that he makes a statement exoneratin' Bowlaigs. 'I don't wantyou-all gents,' says the Major, 'to go deemin' hard of this innocentb'ar, for whatever fault thar is, is mine. Since Texas Thompson picksup that dollar, this thing is made plain. What I takes for gratooitouswickedness on Bowlaigs' part is nothin' but his efforts to execoote mydesires. Pore Bowlaigs! it embitters my last moments as I pictureswhat must have been his opinions of me when I lams loose at him withthat knife! Bury us in one grave, gents; it'll save trouble an' showbesides that thar's no hard feelin's between me an' Bowlaigs overwhat--an' give it the worst name--ain't nothin' but a onfortunatemistake.'"