Uber Bossy: A Small Town Romantic Comedy (Jobs From Hell Book 2)

by Marika Ray

  “Dude, it’s time for your dare. You ready for this one?” Bain’s evil grin had us all dropping our conversations and listening in. Those two had epic dares and we didn’t want to miss a thing.

  Jayden groaned, scrubbing a hand over his face. “Yeah, sure. Give it to me.”

  “I’ve got it all set up. You just have to show up.”

  Jayden shot him a look that would have killed a lesser mortal. “Stop stringing this out. What is it?”

  Bain put down his beer and held his hands up so we could all picture it. “Yoga class, nature, goats.”

  Jayden frowned and I groaned. I knew exactly what Bain was talking about. I’d seen it go around social media and I also knew how much Jayden would hate it. He and goats did not get along.

  “What the hell are you talking about, man?”

  Bain laughed so hard it took several attempts before he could speak. “I’ve got you signed up for a yoga class with goats over at Janey’s goat farm. It’s all the rage. You’re gonna love it.” He broke off into a belly laugh that had us all chuckling with him. “I know of at least one goat who’ll be really excited to see you.”

  Jayden’s face drained of color and his beer tipped over, spilling onto the sand.

  “No,” he whispered.

  Bain let out a fresh whoop of laughter, doubling over and nearly falling out of his beach chair.

  “I don’t get it,” Hazel said, a smile on her face. “What goat is he talking about?”

  I put a reassuring hand on Jayden’s arm and launched into the story about being frenched by Buttinsky Jr. on the airplane. The story got everyone laughing anew, while Jayden just glared at us.

  “We all have to be there,” Rip said quietly, his voice somehow carrying to everyone.

  He didn’t talk often, but when he did, everyone seemed to listen. Heads nodded and it was confirmed. We were all going to watch Jayden do yoga with the goats.

  “Just you wait, assholes.” Jayden shook his head. “Now that I’m in Hell, you’re all gonna get dares. And when you cry like a baby about doing them, just remember this moment when you showed me no mercy.”

  Bain busted up again, not at all concerned about Jayden’s threat. Titus looked nervously at Rip, who just shrugged. And dare I say it—pun totally intended, by the way—Daire cracked his first smile.

  A loud squawking from the night sky had us all ducking for cover. Lucy whipped out a red umbrella out of nowhere, popping it open and sitting there calmly while the rest of us looked around for the fowl threat.

  Another loud caw and I spotted them. Two seagulls swooped low over our side of the bonfire with something between their beaks. Their wings beat haphazardly as they fought to stay afloat while fighting with the other bird. I popped out of my chair, worried they were so preoccupied fighting they didn’t see the huge blaze below them. In general I didn’t like the seagulls, but I didn’t want them going down in a fiery death right in front of us either. Surely singed feathers didn’t smell good.

  “Shoo! Get out of here!” I flapped my arms in the air and tried to jump high enough to get their attention.

  They dipped even lower and one wing clipped my fingertips, which scared the bejesus out of me. I yelped, but it got drowned out by the final squawk of the birds. Whatever they had in their beaks ripped open, the contents of which rained down on my head.

  “Condoms! Holy shit, girl. You don’t let me down.” Hazel jumped up and started picking up the bright little packages littering the sand around me like we just played a game of piñata.

  A bubble of mirth came up and out of my throat, which turned into a giggle, which turned into a wheezing laugh. The kind that had me doubled over with tears streaming down my face. I recognized those condoms. I’d ordered them the other day, with the guys in brown being the delivery method. They must have dropped my package at the front door of The Hardware Store and the birds got to it before I did. They were candy flavored, so I could see the appeal.

  Dammit, Poppy was right again.

  Hand delivered was always better.

  26

  Jayden

  Two weeks of living with Nora had me believing in heaven on earth. Her parents hadn’t been super excited about the idea of cohabitation, but when we made church on Sunday a priority, they came around reluctantly. As for this little family of three, we were thriving together.

  “You ready for this, big boy?” Nora came up behind me and wrapped her arms around my waist.

  I’d had a hell of a time getting dressed that morning, wondering what someone wore to goat yoga. I settled on long gray sweatpants to cover up as much exposed skin as possible and an old Rolling Stones T-shirt. Figured that was the only tongue young Buttinsky Jr. would be getting from me today.

  I pulled her around me, needing those breasts squashed against my torso. I’d become an absolute pervert with twenty-four-seven access to Nora and her gorgeous body. Add in the various toys we brought home—purely for business testing, mind you—and we had a wild sex life I couldn’t imagine living without. The only thing keeping me from a quickie up against the wall was the impending doom of goats roaming my person. Nothing shriveled up an erection like the thought of goat play.

  “As ready as I’ll ever be.” I kissed the tip of her nose, just so I could get a close-up of the freckles across the bridge that I adored so much. “I don’t see why this has to be a public affair, though.”

  The whole crew had decided to come out and watch me commune with the goats at Janey’s house. Bain swore it was simply for verification I’d completed the dare. After all, Lucy had been there to document his dare at the sperm bank. I swore it was simply for public humiliation.

  “Just remember, we only tease the ones we love,” Nora told me with a commiserating smile.

  “Yeah, yeah, everyone loves me so much they want to spend an hour laughing at my ass. Feels great to be loved so much,” I said sarcastically, releasing her to grab the backpack of stuff to keep Red occupied during the class.

  Nora smacked me on the ass and went to get Red, who was currently trying to walk in the playroom. He could pull himself up and stand, which he did all the time, but he had yet to take that first step. I hoped to God to be there when he did it. He didn’t know it yet, but he would be getting a celebratory trip to Forty-Diner for the largest ice cream sundae they made the day he walked.

  “You ready to watch Daddy get traumatized?” Nora held Red on her hip, her nose nuzzling his puffy baby cheeks.

  I’d seen it a lot these past two weeks—Nora holding my son—but every time, it hit me like a ton of bricks. My heart squeezed painfully and my eyes watered. The two of them looked related, like Red really was Nora’s, what with the auburn hair and the propensity to smile so often. The way she stepped in automatically and became Red’s mother figure would have stolen my heart if she hadn’t already.

  “Ready to go?” My voice came out rough and I wasn’t even trying to hide the emotion that had me by the throat.

  I was done hiding my true self. If there were two people in the world I could show my entire self to, it was Nora and Red. The two of them smiled at me and suddenly I wasn’t so worried about some tiny goats in a field when I had all of this to come home to.

  We made it out to Janey’s farm, parked, and got Red in a stroller by the time the rest of the crew showed up. Daire didn’t climb out of the car after Amelia, which I could bet we were all happy about. Not that he was a bad guy. It’s just he changed the dynamic of the group. Especially Titus. That guy did not like Daire.

  Bain clapped me on the shoulder. “You didn’t put lotion on after you showered, did you?”

  I frowned. “Um, yeah, I did. Why?”

  He rolled his lips in for a moment and then whispered loudly, “Goats love the scent of lotion.”

  Then he busted up laughing and I shoved him hard. He almost went down on the dirt lot, the bastard.

  “Let’s roll our mats out and get centered, please.”

  Janey stood just
outside the barn, her spindly legs encased in yoga pants and a goat rubbing against her like a cat. She had a lit joint in her hand, the sight of which did not bode well for the kind of yoga class I was looking for. She took one last drag, holding the smoke in her lungs while she flipped the bud to the grass beneath her feet. I prayed we wouldn’t perish in a brush fire before I fulfilled my dare.

  Several other people milled about in the field of spotty grass, rolling out the communal mats stacked off to the side, where currently a goat stood on top of the pile like you had to ask permission from him before selecting one. No one else seemed particularly concerned that our instructor was probably higher than a kite.

  I sighed, accepting my fate. The next hour would be hell.

  “Just get it done and I have a surprise for you tonight,” Nora whispered in my ear before shoving me toward the fence-enclosed field.

  She gave me a saucy wink and just like that I sported a semi that would make bending like a pretzel difficult. Didn’t help she wore the short shorts that drove me wild: frayed denim that clung to her curves and made me want to dip a finger into the waistband to see if she’d gone commando.

  I squeezed my eyes shut and forced myself to focus. Goats now, Nora later. My son was watching, for God’s sake. I needed to handle this next hour with cool, calm detachment and walk out of here with my head held high. Couldn’t let my brother get my goat.

  I snort-chuckled as I approached the mat pile. I bet I could come up with several days’ worth of goat jokes. In fact, I should thank my brother for giving me this opportunity for a bit of fun. See? It’s all about mindset and mine was stronger than iron. Reaching for the dark blue mat on top of the pile that wasn’t currently being crushed under the goat’s hooves, I pulled right as the sorry excuse for an animal released his bowels. A healthy size heap of round brown balls rained down on my mat. I whipped my hand back and nearly gagged at the smell.

  “This is completely unsanitary!” I roared.

  To whom I didn’t know, but based on the laughter coming from the cluster of jackasses—minus Nora of course—leaning on the fence line, my friends and family weren’t as concerned as I was.

  “Defecation is completely natural, I assure you,” a smoky voice to my left said.

  I turned in that direction to see Janey smiling at me calmly, Buttinsky Jr. in her arms. The damn thing’s eyes lit up when it saw me. Could a goat recognize a human? Janey stroked his little horned head, her persistent calmness irritating me further. I took a huge breath to push down every fiber of my being that wanted to run.

  “Oh good, you’ve got the breathing down already. You’re a natural.” Janey smiled and so did Buttinsky, though his contained an underlying malice that shook me to my core.

  I grabbed another mat—poop-free this time—and hustled over to join the group, thinking maybe there would be safety in numbers. A few stray goats roamed around, chewing on grass and eyeing us humans like we were insane. Which, I had to hand it to them, we were.

  Janey started the class with some basic sun salutations I’d done before in a hot yoga class in LA Jen had dragged me to years ago. I moved with increasing confidence the longer I went without a single goat coming by to annoy me. I realized my mistake when we got into the poses Janey wanted us to hold for longer periods of time. She got up from her mat and roamed the group, supposedly to check our form, but I had my eagle eye out looking for a goat attack, so I didn’t miss a moment of the action. As she walked around our mats, little brown things were falling from her yoga pants. At first I had a flashback moment to the goat pellets almost landing on my hand, but as she drew nearer to me, I saw them for what they were: raisins. That little pothead Zen master was enticing the goats to play with us by use of sugar.

  Buttinsky Jr. came wobbling over in my direction as soon as Janey called out for us to get in down dog. I pressed back and up, my feet and hands on the mat and my ass in the air. I saw Buttinsky Jr. approaching from upside down. I looked him right in the eye—just one because have you ever tried to look a goat in both eyes at the same time—and dared him to come nearer. He sniffed my foot and then snatched a couple raisins that lay in the grass next to my mat. He acted like a normal goat, but I knew better.

  “Come on, Janey,” I muttered under my breath. “Call the next pose already.”

  “Lift right foot high in the air like you just don’t care,” Janey instructed the class.

  I lifted my leg and Buttinsky Jr. must have thought I meant to wind my foot back and kick him because suddenly his one eye went wide, the raisin fell out of his mouth, and he attacked.

  The rest is a little hazy, but I crumpled to the mat, taking a goat horn to the stomach before scrambling to my feet and running like my life depended on it because I was pretty sure it did. Buttinsky Jr. gave chase, keeping up with me pretty well despite his uncoordinated trot through the grass. Everyone started yelling, or maybe that was just me, which just amped up Buttinsky Jr. He gained on me, reminding me I needed to lay off the weights and try for more cardio if I survived this day.

  I felt a hard tug and a definite draft on my lower half. Looking over my shoulder, I saw him biting my sweatpants around the butt, leaving part of my ass exposed to anyone and everyone. My ex-friends all hooted and hollered and in a rush of fear and anger, I ran in their direction. See how they liked having a rabid goat in their midst. Buttinsky Jr. hung on the whole way and I had to give him credit: I was impressed with his dedication. I swept through the gate, a goat, a pot-smoking elderly woman, and five yogis trailing me. The girls scattered, but Bain stood his ground with Titus and Rip on either side of him.

  I didn’t slow down, I just put everything I had into it and sprinted right through them. Another hard tug and then a feeling of lightness had me putting on the brakes. Another glance over my shoulder showed Buttinsky Jr. nowhere to be found, so I came to a stumbling halt and doubled over, my hands on my knees, lungs bellowing. Nora came over and tugged my sweats back up and rubbed her hand over my back while I tried to catch my breath. Finally, I looked up and saw Bain holding Buttinsky Jr. with Janey looking him over for injuries like a worried mama.

  Like I hadn’t been the one just assaulted.

  Twice by the same fucking goat.

  “You got a nice ass, Sutter!” Amelia shouted somehow between her fits of laughter.

  “Do they make bleach for your eyes?” I heard Lucy ask the group.

  Titus whooped and said, “That was ba-a-ad-ass.”

  Everyone busted up louder and he sat right down on the dirt parking lot, his mirth too much to stay standing. Had it been anyone but me, I totally would have laughed at that too.

  Now that the imminent danger was over and Janey had a firm grip on her demon-goat, my lips twitched. I straightened up to see Nora’s face a scary shade of red. She looked ready to burst.

  “We never speak of this again,” I told her firmly.

  She rolled her lips in and nodded.

  “Go ahead and laugh. It’s okay.”

  She doubled over, fits of snorts and guffaws coming out of her like a volcano erupting, Red joining in with his joyful baby laugh. Pretty soon, the whole group surrounded us and I found myself smiling right along with them.

  “Okay, so I did my dare. Can we forget this ever happened now?” I asked hopefully.

  Bain clapped me on the back, tear tracks down his face from laughing so hard. “You bet, bro.”

  I took a step toward my truck, in a hurry to get the hell out of here and put this behind me when Rip’s quiet voice stopped me in my tracks.

  “I already uploaded the whole thing to YouTube.”

  Everyone busted up laughing again and I shook my head.

  I’d get these bastards back. Just you wait and see.

  Nora giggled beside me in the truck while Red babbled nonsense in the back seat. I had a feeling Nora would be laughing about this whole thing for a very long time. Thankfully, my ego could handle it. Maybe.

  We approached an area that looked
familiar and when it hit me, I pulled onto the side of the road, still several miles outside of Auburn Hill.

  “What’s going on?” Nora looked around and thank fuck, finally stopped laughing.

  “Get out,” I told her, taking off my seat belt.

  She frowned. “Is this about me laughing?”

  I shook my head. “Just get out, woman.”

  Jeez, you try to do something romantic and all you get are questions.

  I came around the hood, having left the truck running and the air-conditioning on full blast for Red. Nora took my hand and slid down, looking every bit as lovely as the first day I’d met her. I laced our fingers together and tugged her toward the huge oak tree on the side of the road.

  “Remember this tree?”

  Nora looked up at the canopy above her and then around the road. Her face finally brightened. “Oh yeah, this is where my car broke down that one day!”

  I nodded, pulling her into me. “That’s right. The first time I kissed you was in this very spot.”

  She sighed and smiled sweetly like I knew she would.

  “I say we stop and kiss every time we pass by here. What do you say? New tradition?”

  She giggled and then lifted up on her toes to reach me. “Hell yes.”

  Her lips found mine and I forgot about everything. Goats, exes, jobs, protests, family. None of it mattered when I had Nora by my side. Her tongue swept inside and we deepened the kiss until we were both panting. She pulled back, her cheeks a lovely shade of pink.

  “I like your tongue a lot better than Buttinsky Jr.’s,” I said with a wry smile.

  She wrinkled her nose in disgust.

  Something hit the ground with a squeak right by our feet. We both looked down and saw Red’s favorite teddy bear with the squeaker in both arms. Looking back at the truck, we saw him kicking his feet and laughing his head off.

  “You ever think about getting him into baseball?” Nora wondered out loud.