From the Inside Out

by Talya Andor

  "It's hard to ignore that voice and do what I want, not what someone's told me I ought to be doing."

  To that, Lucas said nothing. Instead, he pulled Soren close and stroked his hair. "That's definitely why we should take it at your pace," he murmured after a moment.

  "How about this?" Soren asked unfurling his hand at the base of Lucas's spine. "You do what you want to, but I get veto power." He nuzzled his way to Lucas's warm mouth, seeking and finding the heat there. His comfort with the physical intimacy they were enjoying was surprising, but he supposed there was good reason for it.

  Lucas kissed him thoroughly, pulling away in the next instant. "Well, I guess that works too. I'll pay attention, you know. If you're not into it, if you're not ready…you'll tell me, even if you don't say it out loud."

  "I'm comfortable with you because you're Lucas, and because I already knew you, without realizing it was you."

  "You know, that almost made sense."

  *~*~*

  Lucas and Soren had moved from kissing to talking, although they were still nestled comfortably close. Lucas had always found it one of the sexiest parts of the 'getting to know you' stage: cuddling, touching, not even necessarily kissing but just running on at the mouth about whatever there was to say.

  "I love your hair," he said, running a hand through Soren's hair to untangle a few stubborn strands.

  They lay for a moment longer like that. Lucas finished with Soren's hair and ran his hand down the other boy's side, not coaxing or teasing, just wanting to touch. He rested a hand on his hip.

  "You know," Soren began, with the apprehensive air of someone bringing up a touchy subject, "you said something earlier, and I'm not quite sure what to think."

  "Huh?" Lucas started to push himself up on one elbow, scanning through his memory. Had he said something that reflected badly on him? Well, Jack had said something and he'd thought some nasty things in return, but he didn't think he'd said anything aloud. He'd brought up the fact that he'd been a player—and he did have a reputation, that was kind of his fault. But Soren already knew about that. "What did I say?"

  "The 'b' word. You said you were going to drop the 'b' word on Sloane?"

  "Oh. Oh…" Lucas sank back in relief. "You worried me for a minute."

  Soren peered at him, and although he seemed serene enough, Lucas could see the worry that lurked beneath the surface. "I don't mean to put you on the spot, but I wanted to make sure which 'b' word just in case you dropped a different one on Sloane than what I'm expecting…"

  "Boyfriend? Why don't you try me out on a trial basis? You might not like me in a week."

  Soren grinned at him, then moved forward and bumped his nose against Lucas's before kissing him enthusiastically. When he withdrew, his expression was thoughtful and Lucas wanted to wipe away the crease between his brows with a finger. Or his mouth. "What time is it?" Soren asked, then hefted himself up, looking over Lucas's side. "Oh, damn…"

  Lucas caught his wrist as he started to get up. "Wait, can't you stay?"

  "Well…" Soren twisted himself into sitting position, shaking his hair back. "My parents. They'll expect me for dinner, or at least to call them."

  "So call." Lucas gave him his best winsome look. "I don't want you to leave just yet."

  Soren gave him a look that could be classified as impish. "Even if we can't go as far as you might want to?"

  "Hey." Lucas became serious. "Under those constraints, it's just that much more incentive to be creative." He smiled, rubbing his thumb over Soren's wrist.

  Soren looked down at him for a moment, face unreadable. Just when Lucas thought he might have pushed too far, Soren gave him a smile. "You're too good to be true."

  "You won't say that when you've known me longer."

  "Ah, but I've already known you longer than I thought." Soren hugged his knees, tilting his head to the side.

  "Stay," Lucas entreated, quiet but serious.

  Soren pursed his lips. "For a little while," he finally said. He cocked his head to the other side. "Boyfriend." He seemed to be saying it in order to try out the sound of it, but Lucas grinned in response, rubbing his thumb over the veins in Soren's wrist. He felt possessive, amazed. Excited. He'd overlooked the potential for something wonderful all this time. Incredibly, the closer he got to Soren, the more he enjoyed that closeness.

  "I like it," Soren decided at last.

  Cell phone reception was terrible in Lucas's room, stuck as it was in the middle of the block of apartments up against a shared wall, so they at last detached themselves from one another and the bed. Lucas didn't want Soren to leave; rather, he wanted Soren to stay for as long as possible.

  Lucas was surprised to feel so intensely for Soren, something he'd only experienced twice before. A couple of weeks ago, he hadn't thought that Soren meant anything more to him than a momentary flicker of interest.

  They emerged into the general shared areas of the apartment and Lucas scowled as he spotted Jack hanging out in the study area, clattering away on Alec's desktop. It had been Jack's idea when they moved in to keep the computers in the study area…naturally, because he didn't have one. Half the time all he did was look at porn. That was why Lucas kept his laptop in his room when he wasn't using it.

  Lucas drew Soren along by the hand for the kitchen area, where cell phone reception was decent, but he wouldn't have to be near Jack for his conversation.

  Brandon and Lisa stood there, waiting. Brandon had his arms crossed and a frown on his face; Lisa was leaning against the counter, sipping a bottled water. She bit her lip when she saw Lucas.

  Brandon's eyes traveled down Lucas's arm to check out his current attachment. His mouth dropped open. "Uh…"

  Lisa's eyes flicked from Lucas to Soren, and she tilted her head to indicate the study area.

  "Oh, I get it," Lucas said, absorbing the tense silence. "Jack-ass strikes again, huh?"

  From the computer area, an agitated metal squeal told Lucas that Jack was spinning around in the computer chair, rocking it from side to side—another annoying habit of his.

  Brandon was frowning. "In essence. This time it appears to be true, though." He met Lucas's eyes, challenging him.

  Lucas drew Soren next to him at the edge of the kitchen. From his peripheral vision, he saw Soren's flustered face. He wanted to growl. It would have been better if he could have dealt with this one-on-one, or rather, one-on-two, but the damage was done.

  "This is Soren," he said, lifting his chin. "We just started using the 'boyfriend' term today, so you'll forgive me if I haven't updated my Facebook relationship status yet. Soren, this is my roommate Brandon, and his girlfriend, Lisa. I already told you about them."

  "Nice to meet you," Soren murmured.

  "Boyfriend, huh?" Brandon remarked, eyes flicking over Soren, before settling on Lucas.

  "Look, I'm bisexual…it never came up before," Lucas replied calmly. "It comes up now because I have someone I'm interested in." He hesitated. "I had a bad breakup at the end of high school, so I wasn't running around telling everyone."

  "No, you were just running around with every girl in sight," Brandon said, turning away. "I can't believe this. You never said anything, man, not a damned thing!"

  Soren's hand flinched in Lucas's grip. "Maybe I should go," he said, his voice steady to belie the tension in his body.

  "Like hell," Lucas responded, tightening his hand. He glared at Brandon. "This guy is just someone I pay to pretend he's my friend, and he's not even doing a good job."

  That surprised a laugh out of Brandon. "I can't believe this," he repeated, and turned back to them with his arms crossed. Lisa elbowed him. Brandon looked between Lucas and Soren again, and his tight expression gave way to surprise. "Oh…damn, I don't care if you date another guy, I don't have a problem with you, Soren." He aimed a chiding finger at Lucas. "You, though…I'll probably be mad for at least ten minutes that you didn't see fit to tell me this earlier."

  Lucas smiled. "Ten minutes�
�I think I can live through that." He squeezed Soren's hand.

  "I have to call my house," Soren reminded him, lifting their joined hands to check his watch again. "My mom usually gets dinner ready early."

  Lucas released Soren, who moved into the television area pulling his phone out of his pocket. Lucas crossed his arms, facing off against Brandon's less than formidable face-off. "Well? Any questions?"

  "Plenty. I don't even know what order to ask them."

  "Speaking of dinner," Lisa interjected, walking into the space between them and tugging on Brandon's arm, "I want some. Come on, you know you're a jerk on an empty stomach."

  "According to you, I'm a jerk all the time."

  Lucas snorted.

  Brandon gave him a warning look. "Stir fry? I have enough for four if we stretch it with rice." He pulled open the fridge to make sure of that.

  Soren leaned against the counter, putting his phone into his back pocket, brushing his long dark hair back. He'd spoken on the phone and finished so quietly that Lucas barely realized he'd been holding his own conversation off to the side. Lucas admired him for a moment, giving him the thorough appreciation he accorded anyone who caught his eye.

  Lucas crossed the kitchen floor to prop his hip against the counter beside Soren. "So, Chinese stir fry?"

  The squeal of the spinning chair stopped. An incredulous voice floated in from the study area. "That's it? That's all you're gonna say to him? 'Boo-hoo, you didn't tell me you were gay before, but it's okay?'"

  "Jack," Brandon said, raising his voice, "shut the fuck up."

  "No, seriously." Jack appeared on the other side of the bar, staring at them. His eyes settled on Lucas. "I don't get it. Either you're gay or not. None of this halfway shit, I mean, what's your problem?"

  "I think you're the one with a problem, Jack," Lucas said, forcing himself to project an outward calm he didn't really feel. "Sure, sex is cut and dried for you, you're straight as it gets."

  Jack preened at that. "Yeah, well…"

  "It wasn't necessarily a compliment," Lucas said, voice hardening. He turned around, sliding an arm around Soren's waist at the same time. "For some people, what they're attracted to is more fluid."

  Jack frowned at him. "I don't get it."

  "Oh, go away!" Lisa exclaimed in exasperation. "For God's sake, Jack, you're not going to get it even if someone explains it to you. If you don't understand it, then you don't. You're sure as hell not what anyone would call open-minded."

  "Now, wait," Brandon admonished, rummaging through the fridge and cupboards to set out items for the stir fry. "We have a genuine chance to teach something to our poor misguided roommate."

  "Uh-huh." Jack looked at him as if he were crazy.

  "Think of it this way, Jack," Brandon continued, carefully ripping the plastic off of the foam tray of meat. "Say all your life you've really had a thing for blonde chicks with big tits."

  "Oh, yeah," Jack said, nodding vigorously. "Sure do."

  Lisa sighed.

  "Then say, one day, the most gorgeous Japanese girl you've ever seen walks past you, wearing a cute little Japanese school girl uniform." Lisa socked him in the arm, but Brandon continued, "Like that fetish porn you're always leaving in my browser history. You going to turn that down, just because you've always gone for blondes?"

  "Hell, no!" Jack said enthusiastically.

  "There. See, that was easy," Brandon remarked. "Just think of Soren as the hot Asian chick."

  "I'm flattered," Soren said. "I think."

  "Ha. Cute analogy," Jack said, but he still looked skeptical. "Don't jerk me around like that. He ain't no hot Asian chick."

  "Maybe not," Lucas agreed, with a sly sidelong glance to Soren, "but can you honestly look at him and say he's not hot?" He reached up and brushed a tendril of hair behind Soren's ear, drawing attention to his face.

  Led neatly into the trap, Jack looked and actually seemed thoughtful for a moment, before his face twisted. "Just because he looks almost like a girl doesn't mean he's hot," he spat, then seemed to realize how ridiculous he sounded, snorted, and stalked off. "Fuck you guys."

  "Thank goodness," Lisa said. "If he'd stayed to ask questions, he might have wanted us to feed him."

  *~*~*

  Brandon set down steaming platters of rice and beef stir fry. "All right…so…when did you decide you were bisexual?"

  The four of them were quartered around the glass table, fighting over the serving spoon and popping tabs on drinks. Everyone but Soren had opted for chopsticks, which made him self-conscious, but he wasn't going to try them for the first time tonight.

  "Yeah, thanks, good of you to say it's a decision," Lucas said. "It's not a choice, you nimrod."

  "Idiot." Lisa stuffed her mouth full, avoiding Brandon's eye.

  "Okay, when did you decide to keep it from us?" Brandon continued with good humor, shooting her a sidelong glance. There was a muffled thud below the table.

  "Don't start this again," Lucas warned. The only thing they got more vicious about than ankle-kicking was pinching. "Come on, I mean, it's not like I ever decided not to tell you. I just…didn't tell you."

  Brandon leveled his best serious look at him. "There's more to it than that. I've known you too long to accept that."

  "Well…okay." Lucas toyed with his chopsticks. "At first, it was because I didn't know you, either of you, well enough to just come out and say something like that. I mean, the majority of people don't take bisexuals seriously if they happen to be dating one sex or the other at that particular instant. Like almost all people."

  "Like Jack," Lisa muttered. "That judgmental asshole."

  Lucas gave her a nod. "Beyond that, it seemed like a moot point. I was dating girls." He deliberately didn't look at Soren as he continued. "I thought, except for a couple of lapses, that I'd just been going through a phase. That old hat."

  "It's true," Lisa said. "A lot of people don't believe in bisexuality."

  "I think I don't entirely understand it, despite what I said to Jack," Brandon admitted. "You're attracted to guys…and girls. Not just one or the other, but…yeah. It's weird." He bent his attention to his food.

  Lisa turned her head. "What's hard to understand about it? I have to admit, I suspected something, but thought I must be wrong because Lucas was with girls…well, a lot."

  "Thank you," Lucas said, wanting to sink through his seat. "Please don't help."

  Soren was staring at his half-eaten stir fry.

  "Look," Lucas spoke up, a little louder than he'd intended. "I don't date a bunch of people all at once, you know. I stick to one at a time."

  Soren looked up and gave him a little smile. "When did you first know you liked guys?" he asked in a well-modulated voice.

  Lucas grimaced. "You see, that answer's a little more complicated than it should be…"

  "Oh, do tell," Lisa said, leaning forward as she dug her chopsticks into her food once more. "It might help Brandon to understand."

  Lucas sighed. He ate a little more, chewing while he considered his words, then swallowed and gave Soren a brief nod. Soren's questions, at least, he didn't really mind answering—he would have told him sooner or later. "I guess I always noticed on some level. Even before I hit puberty, I'd look at boys sometimes the way I looked at girls. It's hard to describe."

  He had everyone's attention now.

  "Then there was junior high and high school…damn." Lucas gave them a faint grin. "I used to tell myself over and over that I couldn't be gay, because I liked girls so much. And for a while, that was enough to keep me from doing anything." He omitted the part about his first girlfriend, and how monogamy locked him up for the last year of junior high and the first year of high school.

  Lisa leaned in. "So…"

  Lucas threw her a dirty look. "During my sophomore year I was at a kegger, and…and there was this senior there, a guy from the basketball team. I'd noticed him before. I guess I'd even noticed him checking me out before, but by then, I was u
sed to sublimating."

  "What happened then?" Soren asked.

  Lucas took in the little details of his appearance. Leaning forward, eyes intent, face maybe even faintly flushed. He smiled. He thought he recognized that look already. "We went upstairs. I ended up helping him take my pants off."

  Soren's look turned more than faintly speculative.

  "What happened next?" Lisa asked.

  "Oh, you figure it out," Lucas said in mock disgust. "Anyhow, I still had trouble after that, but…uh…someone helped me figure a lot about myself, not long after." He licked his lips nervously and pushed stir-fry around with his chopsticks.

  "Who?" Soren asked.

  This time, Lucas avoided his eyes. "It's not someone you'll ever meet," he muttered. Then his head snapped up in time to catch Soren's blank expression. "He moved out of state," he added hastily. When it seemed the awkward silence would continue indefinitely, he added, "It ended…badly." Lucas's stomach was knotted with discomfort.

  There was his past and Stephen, and the end of everything. Now there was his present and Soren, and a new beginning. He didn't want the two to overlap.

  "I think we're done," Lisa said, bouncing up and beginning to clear plates.

  "Here, I'll help," Soren volunteered.

  "No, no." Lisa took the plate right out from under his nose. "Bad Soren, no biscuit. Sit down, I think I can handle it—it's hardly back-breaking."

  Soren sank back into his seat, looking a little lost.

  "Hey." Lucas reached over the table for his hand. "I hope I didn't upset you."

  Soren shook his head. "Mmm." His fingers curled into Lucas's, thumb rubbing over his palm. "No, I expected that you'd had…relationships." His face clouded.

  "So what's wrong?"

  "Well…" Soren hedged, then his jaw set. "I just don't know how I can satisfy you, being so inexperienced."

  Lucas laughed, and then leaned in and cupped the side of Soren's face. "Soren, all you have to do is be yourself."