From the Inside Out

by Talya Andor

  He had a lot of thoughts to grapple with that morning.

  Lucas came swinging through the back door, two tills balanced in his arms. "Don't worry," he said at Soren's curious look. "The other one is for Becky."

  "Never thought differently," Soren said, ducking his head and turning on the decaf grinder for the espresso. After it ran through his cycle, he spoke up. "You shouldn't put your boyfriend on a till when you're supervising, anyhow. Conflict of interest, and all that."

  "Yeah, but nobody knows we're dating," Lucas said with a laugh.

  Soren made a skeptical noise. "Sloane does," he said. "Once you tell one person, it's only a matter of time until the whole store finds out. But I don't think she'd say anything unless she knows we're both okay with it."

  "You used to be a shift super, didn't you?" Lucas said, keying his code into the register to set it up for the morning. "I think I heard Sloane talking about it before."

  "Yeah…back in Eugene. Our store was crewed mostly by teenagers, but since I was one of the most responsible, they made me a super. It was shortly before we moved up here, so I didn't have the position for long."

  They worked side by side in the silence, and Soren snuck the occasional glance at Lucas. His face, normally animated, could be serious when he worked, his mouth set as he concentrated on whatever task occupied his hands and attention. He could also be a flirt, and Soren had noticed that more than anything. What he had rarely noticed was the serious side of Lucas; it had taken the juxtaposition of knowing TruBishounen to bring that to the fore.

  "Must've been irritating when they made me a super ahead of you," Lucas said. "Especially because you're older."

  Soren tightened the porta-filters in the bar and dusted off the spare grinds that clung to his hands. "Not really," he replied, moving around the bar for the back counter. Boxes of pastry awaited them and he flipped the lid. "You're a better supervisor than I was. Ah, pumpkin scones…disgusting."

  Lucas leaned over his shoulder to look.

  Soren caught a hint of that same clean, spicy scent he was beginning to associate with Lucas, and it made him smile. He'd probably taken on a great deal of that himself, spending the night in the same room, the same bed, bathing in the same shower. He glanced over at Lucas and their eyes connected.

  "Talk to me," Lucas said. He began to distribute pastries to the baskets that would fill the display. "We okay?"

  Soren blinked. "That's what I was going to ask. You seemed frustrated last night."

  "Well, yeah." Lucas arranged scones in a basket with such single-minded concentration that Soren thought he was going to leave it at that. "I was frustrated. I shouldn't have taken it out on you."

  Soren bit his lip. "With Brandon and Lisa, or with me?"

  Lucas turned to look at him. "What?" He sounded shocked. "Brandon and Lisa, of course. I mean—well, the whole situation, to be honest. It's not your fault, Soren. I guess…I was mad at myself too, for making the whole thing more awkward than it needed to be. I, uh. I'm not very gracious when I'm thwarted."

  "I guess not," Soren muttered before he could help himself.

  Lucas bumped shoulders with him. "Hey."

  Soren looked at him. Lucas was giving him that warm, inviting look again. He melted, the last of his worries dissolving under Lucas's regard.

  "Hey. We're okay."

  "Glad to hear it," Lucas said. "I'd be pretty pissed at myself if I screwed things up between us so soon. I'll work on that."

  They smiled and leaned against one another for a moment. A month ago, Soren wouldn't have been able to imagine being so close to Lucas. They had gone from flirting to intimacy, to a relationship that was comfortable and exciting at the same time. It was beyond friendship. Lucas had unlocked the sexual awareness that had been relegated at the back of his mind. Soren was changing.

  It's not just you, Soren wanted to say. He knew there were things he had to work on too.

  "Ooh, broken muffin." Lucas reached around Soren for the open box.

  Soren shook his head. "Now, this is another area where you could use improvement," he said with mock severity, batting at Lucas's fingers.

  "But we can't serve it like this!" Lucas replied, eyes wide in seeming innocence.

  "No, so we mark it out and serve it to customers. You know that as well as I do," Soren said, shaking his head in mock sadness.

  "What if we don't get any customers in the first hour?" Lucas said, then sighed at the look on Soren's face. "Fine. But I'm hungry." He put a hand over his stomach.

  "Buy a muffin," Soren said ruthlessly. "You get a discount."

  Lucas shook his head, but didn't argue and turned back to his work. "Did you really mean it when you said you'd go clubbing with me?"

  Soren looked up from his preoccupation with the drip brewing coffee. "Yeah, I guess. Like I said, though, I'm not much of a dancer."

  "Trust me." Lucas spared him a wry glance. "That doesn't matter so much, as long as you can grind up against me. Which I think you'll have no trouble with…"

  "Shut up." Soren smiled. "I think I can manage."

  Nine

  The store was still bustling as Lucas emerged from the back at last, glad the only till he'd had to count was his own. Soren was waiting at one of the tables on the floor, his head bent over an open textbook. The sight of him pricked Lucas's conscience. Soren had been upset that morning after they'd woken late. He had fretted that he'd never called his parents to let them know he wouldn't be home. Although he was twenty, his parents seemed the type that kept a near-constant monitor on his activities. Lucas knew he was the cause for the lack of phone call last night, but Soren distracted him—in ways that Lucas was beginning to think were both good and bad.

  Lucas touched Soren's shoulder. He was aware of Becky and Tia looking in their direction curiously, but shook it off. For all they knew, he and Soren could have recently become friends.

  In the next moment, Lucas caught that thought and realized what was wrong with it. Part of him was still in denial. Sooner or later, everyone would know in the way all co-workers seemed to find out, no matter how well Sloane held her tongue. Lucas couldn't decide how he felt about that.

  "Never again let me say that the morning will be easy," Lucas said with feeling.

  Soren stuffed his book into his bag. "Yeah, it's all your fault. I've been thinking: why don't you drop me off at home, and I'll meet you on campus? I need to change, I don't want to go to class like this."

  Lucas knocked his shoulder with a closed fist. "I don't know if I have time, it's not right on the way. I mean, you're close to campus, but…"

  "Forget it, I'll walk."

  "No…I can drive you." Lucas sighed, reaching up to rub his nape. "I'd skip if I could, but it's Accounting and the professor grades pretty strictly on attendance."

  Lucas dropped Soren off at his house with a kiss in parting. From there, Lucas had to rush to get to campus, park, and reach his class on time.

  His first two classes passed in a daze. Lucas recognized all the earmarks of his condition but was still unwilling to give it the name. He was content, for now, to visualize Soren kissing him softly, sweetly, and he tagged nonsense in the margins of his notebooks and for once did not have all the answers to volunteer in class.

  When the bell rang, Lucas looked up in surprise. The rest of the students were packing their things, rising to their feet, and talking with each other now that class was over. He began to put his own things away.

  Lucas banished his wandering train of thought. It didn't matter. Whatever had gone before, this was where he was now…and what he'd thought or said about the 'honeymoon' phase was true. These were the first, heady days of something he didn't want to label or quantify, for fear that examining it too closely would make it slip away.

  "You okay?"

  A classmate of his, Renee, was leaning over peering into his face. "You look pretty out of it, Lucas."

  "Oh, you know," Lucas said dismissively. "A lecture on mutual inves
tments isn't quite enough to make me fall asleep, but it's close."

  "It was a good lecture," Renee said, adjusting her bag. "Hey, you want to have lunch together?"

  Lucas could have kicked himself. It wasn't uncommon for him to eat lunch with her on campus; the two of them had a few classes together because they were in the same major and had been in study groups before. Now, though, he was going to meet Soren. It would be awkward if he invited someone Soren didn't know.

  Besides, he wanted Soren to himself.

  "I…uh, have plans," Lucas replied lamely. Even as he said it, he realized he was doing it again. I'm meeting my boyfriend. He couldn't say it.

  Renee's face fell. "Oh," she said, and backed up a step. "Sorry, I didn't know."

  Lucas shook his head, trying not to frown. "I'll see you later, all right?" He couldn't tell her the truth.

  He was going to have to tell the truth, if he wanted to keep having a boyfriend.

  "Later," Renee replied, giving him a little wave.

  Lucas gave her a nod, stuffed his text and notebook away, and set out for the Cove.

  *~*~*

  Soren moved through the empty, silent rooms of his house, enjoying the sense of peaceful isolation. He lingered in the kitchen, dumping his bag on the central cooking island and taking care of the dishes that someone had left behind. The kitchen still held traces of a hasty morning: bowls and cereal left out on the counter, crumbs on the breadboard, a cup of coffee half-empty by the sink.

  Leaving the kitchen tidy behind him helped Soren alleviate the feeling of guilt that had weighed on him from the moment he'd woken. The previous night, he hadn't spared a second thought for calling to let his parents know he'd be out all night, although he'd spoken with his father to let him know he was eating at a friend's.

  Soren climbed the dark-polished wooden stairs toward the second floor, thoughts crowding in around him. He knew he wouldn't be able to keep his secret for long. He'd already kept it long enough—six years of evasions, of keeping himself pent-up so that there would be nothing to confess. That day, Soren felt different, and he was afraid that the changes would be apparent, scrawled over his face and all too easy for anyone to read. He couldn't quite put his finger on the change, but it made him feel a great deal more relaxed, as if he'd finally released a subtle tension that had been binding him for years.

  Soren chewed his lip, dumping his bag onto his bed and sorting through the contents. Next time, he'd have to remember to bring clothing.

  He dug out the glossy career materials packet from beneath the pile on his desk, flipping it over and skimming its contents. It was partly because Claire did what she did, human resources, that Soren suspected she was so gung-ho on ushering his future into something stable and appropriate. Labor market information…career indices…it might as well be another language.

  The blank eye of his computer monitor regarded him as he settled on his bed, but he shook his head. If he wanted to spend time with Lucas later in person instead of seeing him online tonight because he'd neglected to do his homework, there were things to be done.

  Silence ticked on by the measure of the clock.

  At length, Soren realized that he was nearly done with his assignment, and hungry, and if he wanted to make it to campus in time for his class, he'd better get going. He gave his hair a quick brush, tied it back at his nape, and hurried into a green sweater and jeans.

  He padded his book-bag with a change of clothes and considered packing in work clothes too, but sighed. Not only was there no room, but he would have to face his parents sooner or later.

  Soren grabbed his book-bag and clattered down the stairs with a faint smile on his face. He was at risk for the wrath of his parents, but it had been worth it. He rounded the corner to the kitchen and ran into a full-body collision.

  "Sor—ow!" Angie reeled back from the contact, hand snapping up to cradle the back of her neck. "Soren, come on, watch where you're going in this house!"

  "Like I wasn't making enough noise."

  "All right, so maybe I wasn't paying attention." Angie was a slighter, feminine copy of Soren with the long, dark hair they had inherited from Claire's side of the family. "What're you doing here?"

  "I don't have class until twelve-thirty. A-a friend from work dropped me off…"

  "Hoo boy, are you ever in trouble," Angie said, lifting a finger. "Mom stayed up half the night waiting to hear from you, then she was a raging zombie this morning…she was nearly late for work."

  Soren squirmed uncomfortably. "Why didn't she text me, or something?"

  "A text?" Angie peered up at him with humor lurking in her dark blue eyes. She shook her head. "Where would be the fun in that? I think she wants to ream you out in person, Soren. Besides, why didn't you text her? Why didn't you call home?"

  She followed him into the kitchen, where Soren rooted around in the refrigerator for the materials of a light lunch while he considered, and discarded, several replies. Why was he so nervous?

  "I was with a friend," he said at last, settling for the scantiest version of the truth. "Dad knew that, I called him. As for why I didn't text her…believe it or not, I totally forgot."

  "Dad isn't the one who was worried," Angie replied, tucking her dark hair behind one ear in a gesture reminiscent of their mother. "Actually, he kept telling Mom to relax, but she finally snapped and sent us to bed, and stayed up in the kitchen. I could tell because the light was still on when I went to bed."

  Soren shook his head. He moved quickly around the kitchen and put together a salami sandwich. "If she wants to keep track of me so badly, she should just put a GPS chip in me."

  Angie laughed. "You've never given her trouble before, Soren. What's up?"

  "I was out with a friend."

  Angie tilted her head at him. "You already said that." A thoughtful frown settled between her brows.

  "I guess we were having so much fun, I forgot," Soren said, thinking of the movies, the haze of pot that he hadn't taken a hit off of but had absorbed nonetheless, the laughter and the warm presence of Lucas's hand on his thigh and falling into the well of sleep by the end of the night. Then, when he awoke…Soren flushed and diverted himself from that line of thought.

  "Hmm. It's not good enough to stand up in court." Angie slapped his shoulder. "Come on, I've got to go to campus. Let's go together."

  "Can I have the car tonight?"

  Angie's eyes widened. "You want to die?" she squeaked. "What would I tell Mom if I let you have the car after you'd been out all night?"

  "Tell her I stole it," Soren replied carelessly, then winced as her fist dug into his arm. "Calm down. I'll call tonight. And I'll have the car back before you need to drive the kids to school tomorrow. I promise."

  "Hmm…" Angie looked thoughtful again. "I think I'll do it just to see the look on Mom's face. You've never really rocked the boat before, you know."

  Soren wrapped his sandwich in a paper towel to eat on the way to campus. "I know. I've always left that up to the rest of you. So maybe it's about time."

  They stood for a moment in the kitchen together as weak, watery sunlight filtered in through the wide bay window that bracketed the space over the sink. At last, Angie slapped him on the shoulder and got moving. "Okay. Take the car, and I'll see you tomorrow, if you're still alive." She cocked her head at him, and there was a peculiar look of respect on her face. "I think you're finally growing up, Soren."

  Soren fished out his keys. "It's about time."

  *~*~*

  The Cove was full by the time Lucas arrived. Although he nodded to clusters of people he recognized from classes, clubs, and his year spent in the Villa Maria dorm, none of them merited a full stop and conversation at the moment. He pushed his way through the double doors of the Cove, scanning the tables off to his right, then the lunch nook over to the left. It looked as though he'd arrived before Soren.

  Lucas idled by the counter after placing an order for chicken tenders and fries. He had another class to
go to, but after that, he hoped Soren would return with him to the apartment. Honeymoon phase, he told himself again, smiling at something unspoken that had sprung up inside him.

  He started up from the counter when he spotted Soren—but who was that with Soren?

  "Lucas," Soren greeted him as he approached. He appeared harassed. "This is my sister Angie, I bumped into her after class and she, uh, insisted…"

  "Yo!" interjected Angie with a cheerful little wave. "Gosh, Soren, I don't know why you got so worked up. Made me think you were hooking up with a girl for lunch, or something."

  "Hi," Lucas responded, extending his hand. He looked back and forth between Angie and Soren. They could have been fraternal twins.

  Soren looked flustered. "This is Lucas Daye," he said, shifting uncomfortably from one foot to the other. "From…from work."

  Angie accepted his hand. "Nice to meet you," she replied, looking up with assessing eyes. "I think you're maybe the second friend of Soren's that I've met since he started university."

  "Soren must be going for quality," Lucas said with a grin, transferring his gaze from Angie to Soren. She was very pretty, and had the slim-bodied look that he generally went for in a girl. It was like seeing Soren in female form, and the difference only underscored his satisfaction with Soren. He wasn't with him only for his looks.

  "I can see that," Angie murmured, and the look in her eyes was one that Lucas recognized. Appraisal and desire. She gave her brother a hearty smack on the shoulder. "Well, big brother, I'll be seeing you later! I just remembered, I have to go see a professor about something. The car is yours, just remember to get it back to me before tomorrow at the usual time, unless you want to drive the kids to school."

  "Ah…okay…" Soren said with a confused look, and they watched while she hurried out of the cafeteria.

  "What was that all about?" Lucas asked.

  "Uh, sorry." Soren turned to him. "I really did bump into her after my class. She insisted on coming to the Cove with me…I didn't think she'd just vanish like that, though."