From the Inside Out

by Talya Andor

  "I settled on accounting and business courses because I figured it would be useful, not because it's really something I want to do—I mean, I'm good at it, no mistake, but it doesn't grab me by the balls."

  "Like English, for me," Soren said. "It's appropriate enough, I guess, but it's not something I'm passionate about. It's something I know I can graduate with…but I don't even know what I'm going to do with it." He could admit that much when he wasn't talking to his Mom. All he knew was that he wanted more than a retail career for the remainder of his life, but as to the rest, and figuring out all of those details?

  Part of him hoped it would simply work itself out somehow.

  "I'll probably go on to get a masters in economics or international politics or something ridiculous like that," Lucas said. "I wouldn't mind doing big, important things…or at least think I am…and hopefully find out what I really like to do along the way."

  "Sounds like you need a power wife." Lucas, for all his disclaimers, sounded as if he already had it planned out. The most Soren thought about was where he'd live in the Portland metro area after he moved out of his parents' house.

  "Hey." Lucas's chin bumped his shoulder. "I'll love whoever I want, and if it's you and not a woman with on point makeup and a pin-striped power suit, the world will have to get used to it."

  "Well, that's good to know," Soren replied, a little wry, but he leaned back into Lucas's half-embrace as he said it.

  "What about you? What do you want to do some day when you grow up?"

  He could hear the smile in Lucas's voice. "There's growing up, then there's after school."

  "Point."

  "I just want to get out of the house. After twenty years there, they're all driving me crazy. I want to see who I am on my own, for a while."

  Lucas's arm tightened. "On your own?"

  Soren smiled. "Without my family."

  It was one thing to love Lucas. That was as natural to him, now, as breathing. It was another thing to see their relationship last, when half the books Soren had ever read told him that gay men dated, but only a handful formed lasting relationships.

  At least Soren knew he was the kind of guy who usually beat the odds. For once, though, they were turning out in his favor.

  *~*~*

  Day had slipped over the horizon by the time Soren and Lucas emerged from the bedroom, food-hunger overtaking them at last in favor of the other hunger they'd been satisfying. They scavenged the fridge and settled on the slippery leather couch in the rec room area, sitting side by side. Their knees touched as they munched on leftover pizza and fried rice, college haute cuisine.

  Lisa and Brandon were curled up together on the other couch when Soren and Lucas emerged to join them. Lisa flipped channels restlessly as they watched, holding the remote out of her annoyed boyfriend's reach whenever he grew tired of the screen flickering and tried to grab control. "There's nothing good on," she complained. "News briefs…re-runs of Seinfeld…"

  "There will always be re-runs of Seinfeld," Lucas said. "It's like a natural law, or something."

  Lisa ignored him and kept flipping. "The Disney channel, Nickelodeon, Runaway Bride—"

  "No Richard Gere movies," Brandon said. "When does the good TV start?"

  One amongst seven in his family, Soren was lucky if he ever got to see the remote when he had time for television, but he was familiar with television patterns. "They show re-runs and news until eight, then all the new programming starts."

  "Gahh!" Lisa put the remote down. "There's nothing worth watching."

  "Yeah, and you know what? By the time there is something, it'll be time to finish up the assignments you have due tomorrow," Brandon said, snatching up the remote with an air of relief.

  Lisa beamed at him, twisting a red curl around one finger. "Shows what you know, smarty-pants. I don't have any assignments due tomorrow."

  "No?" Brandon put the remote down. "I say we party."

  "Woo!" Lisa looked at the clock and jumped to her feet. "Party, party! Want to hit a club or two?" She turned inquisitive eyes on Soren and Lucas.

  Soren paused between bites, working valiantly to clear his mouth. His first impulse was to say that he had too much to do.

  Lucas hummed appreciatively beside him. "Hey, that sounds good," he said, glancing Soren's way.

  Soren swallowed. "I can't." Lucas's expression fell. "I only have two classes but I'm opening at the store tomorrow…and besides, with my Mom…I-I'd better get home for tonight." Best not to push her too far, too fast, he reasoned, but he knew he had a second, ulterior motive for wanting to withdraw.

  It was clear to Soren from the interactions they'd had so far that Lucas was ready, more than ready, to go all the way. Soren knew what it entailed, and it scared him a little, how much he found himself wanting it. Being intimate with Lucas, being connected with him…it was all too easy to imagine yielding fully, opening himself up to something so much more.

  He didn't want to rush into that last step, but now that his mother had voiced her word of warning, Soren found himself perversely willing to go ahead with it.

  Better to withdraw for now.

  "Ah, okay." Lucas gave him a look both sympathetic and disappointed.

  "You can still go! After all, I should probably get going soon anyhow." Soren glanced out the window. It was already dark. He could finish his homework here, but why bother if Lucas would be leaving with Brandon and Lisa?

  Lisa bounced from foot to foot. "Well, I'm gonna get dressed. Let us know, okay, Lucas? So we can settle on a place to meet." She hustled out of the room, full of energy, and Brandon gave them a wry grin before following.

  "You sure?" Lucas asked, now giving Soren a more concerned look. "It won't be any fun without you…"

  Soren smiled, reminded of the night TruBishounen had messaged him the same thing. That had been the night before everything had changed. That had been months ago. "It's fine," he said, leaning and kissing Lucas on the mouth. Pizza flavor. "Look, I enjoyed when we went, but I think you like clubbing a lot more than I do. I'll go again with you sometime, just not tonight."

  "All right…" Lucas still looked dubious.

  "Come on," Soren said with a laugh, setting his plate down and making shooing motions. "I'll live, you know. And see you tomorrow."

  "Damn right, you'll see me tomorrow," Lucas growled, drawing him in by the collar and kissing him again, more thoroughly this time. When they broke, he licked his lips. "Pizza. You sure you're not ditching me for Sloane?"

  The half-serious look in his eyes made Soren's stomach flip-flop. He was fudging the issue, but not the way Lucas thought. He shook his head. "Sloane's cute, but she doesn't have your manly charms. I should be more worried about you."

  He was teasing, but Lucas's expression transformed. "I wouldn't!" Lucas pulled away, brows drawing down into a hurt look.

  "I know!" Soren said, instantly mortified. He grasped Lucas's hand, folding their fingers together over his knee. "I didn't mean it, I was only joking…"

  "Okay." Lucas still seemed upset, but he managed a smile. He passed a hand over his ponytailed hair with his free hand. "I know people make jokes about bisexuals being polyamorous, or unfaithful too, but I'm not. I'm dating you seriously."

  "Which suits me just fine. I really was joking."

  "I know." Lucas leaned against him, and then disengaged his hand and patted his thigh. "It's just…too many people seem to think bisexual is synonymous with slutty, you know? It's not like that. I'm only with you."

  Soren looked down at his lap, a subdued smile tugging at his mouth.

  "I do want to go clubbing with you again sometime, okay?" Lucas said, leaning in to brush his lips over Soren's ear. "You said you would…"

  Soren looked up, grinning. "Yeah, on a night when I can stay over."

  Lucas grinned back, boyish and handsome. "Sounds good to me." Seeming at ease now, he rubbed his hand over Soren's thigh again.

  "You'd better get dressed. And I'd better p
ack my bookbag."

  "Not that there's anything out that isn't staying here," Lucas said, lips curving into a smile. He planted one last, brief kiss on Soren's forehead before standing.

  Soren gathered the plates and smiled in return. Happy thought.

  *~*~*

  The club glittered like a million razor-sharp reflections from a spinning disco ball, but in this place, the angles of the light strobed off reflective shirts, metal edges and surfaces, slick torsos and moving bodies. Lucas swayed in the crowd, lingering at the thinning edges that overlapped from sidelines to dance floor, looking up as a burst of seething confetti fluttered from the ceiling. His feet itched to dance and yet…

  He still remembered the taste of Soren's mouth. Lucas replayed the moment he'd dropped Soren off at the half-lit Wilkenson house earlier; their kiss, the thorough joining of their mouths, reaching up to sift a hand through Soren's dark hair before he'd pulled away with the husky tenor murmur of "See you tomorrow."

  As one person in a crowd, Lucas felt disjointed and alone. The feeling unsettled him and he pushed at it, examining his own reactions as he watched the dance floor for a moment for an opening, summoning the willingness to move. Brandon and Lisa had gone off to dance already, her tugging on his hand, him following with long strides. Together.

  Lucas scanned the nearby faces with a contemplative scowl, flicking stray locks off his neck and tucking hair behind his ears. He was here for a reason, but it seemed to have slipped away with Soren's husky goodnight. He wanted to be touching, moving, slipping his hands into someone's back pockets and rocking to the rhythm of the evening. There was no one here that he wanted to be with in that way.

  I'm dating you seriously. There, right then, it had almost slipped out. What he'd corrected himself from saying was I'm serious about you. Too soon? He knew Soren, but he still couldn't quite tell.

  And his father was going to be in Portland next weekend.

  Lucas began to push his way toward the floor, forcing himself upstream.

  "Lucas? Izzat you?" A tinkling giggle sounded, bringing him to a puzzled halt.

  The girl who had hailed him had a drink in one hand, her small, high breasts stretched tight beneath the thin material of a shimmery crop-top, jeans pushed low and barely over her hips. "I thought that was you!" She looked good even though she wore too much makeup. She deposited her drink into the hand of a startled girl beside her and walked toward him with purposeful steps.

  Easy. "Kerri," he said, and swallowed.

  Kerri posed in front of him and pouted. "I thought you'd forgotten my number, it's been so long."

  "It's been awhile." He had to lean toward her to be heard, which, judging by the flicker of her eyes, was exactly what she wanted. "You know I did say I wanted to see other people."

  She tilted her head to the side, taking a step closer. "So? You're here tonight. And I want to dance, come on!" She grabbed his wrist and towed him toward the dance floor.

  That direct approach was what he'd found appealing about her. At least, it had been for a while. He resisted, making Kerri turn when his drag became too much for her.

  "Come on, come on! It's a good song, a hard beat!"

  First things first. "I'm with someone," he called back, then went for the decisive shot. "I've got a boyfriend now, Kerri. He's not here right now, but that's how it is."

  Except for a slight widening of her eyes, Kerri betrayed little reaction. "So? You're not dead yet!" She gave that tinkling little giggle again, the mannerism that had been one of many cumulative factors in their break-up—if Lucas could really call what they'd had a relationship.

  Lucas was occasionally shallow and didn't care who knew it. This was remarkable when he compared those feelings to how he felt about Soren. He loved…well, he cared about pretty much everything that had to do with Soren, something that surprised him every time he learned something new about him.

  Still, it was Soren who'd urged him to come here tonight, and so Lucas was determined to have some kind of fun. He let Kerri drag him out on the floor. She was harmless enough.

  The song shifted tempo, kicking up into a faster drive, and Kerri gave him a delighted, sultry smile. She fitted her body close to his, not close enough to give him cause for protest, and they began to dance.

  Lucas gave himself up to the music. If he closed his eyes he could almost imagine Soren in her place, swaying close enough to touch but not quite, rocking and thrusting against him as they had the first time they'd gone clubbing. It had been an evening of foreplay, teasing and touching, never quite reaching the place that their dancing promised. Then he opened his eyes and Kerri's petite figure was gyrating, skillful and practiced, hot as he remembered her, but…

  What am I doing here?

  Kerri had her eyes fixed on him. She had been wanting him for a long time, he knew. The one to initiate their break-up had been him, after all, and she had let him go with the kind of look that promised she'd wait around and try for a rebound, maybe. He, as always, knew he could handle the situation when it came around. He didn't look back and he didn't do seconds when he'd moved on from what had essentially been a one-night stand.

  Lucas scowled as she moved closer, giving him a coy little look that implied it was the crowd of bodies around them that crowded her close. He could feel her hands darting around his body, passing over her hips then stretching between them to hover near his arms, his sides, prickling his skin. "Kerri…"

  Now the crowd did push them together, and Kerri hooked her arms around his neck. "Come on," she half-shouted, eyes sparkling, and kissed him full on the mouth.

  There was an instant where being stunned took his mobility, then when Lucas felt the tongue prying at his lips he wrenched away. "Cut it out!" he hissed, pushing at her, forgetting the distance in height and feeling up a breast.

  Kerri clung like a burr, undulating against him, following the dance's rhythm perfectly. "Don't be stupid. We're getting along so nice." She caught his hand and moved it for her tit again.

  This time, Lucas pushed. "I said I'm with someone!"

  Her eyes glittered up at him. "You said you were playing around with some guy. You still like girls, don't you?" She danced closer and reached to put her hands on his hips.

  Lucas stumbled back, colliding with one body and another, twisting to half-shout an apology that was lost in the noise. He pivoted and made a beeline for the sidelines, burning with anger and high adrenaline. He could still feel the outlines of Kerri's body against his hand, soft and a little damp with sweat, familiar contours inciting a familiar answering feeling. He was already jazzed up just from being in the club. This was a mistake.

  "You bastard!" Kerri was following him, shouting as she tagged on his heels. "What's your problem?"

  He wheeled, facing her again and bringing her to a halt. In her stiletto fuck-me heels she came close to falling over. "Look, when I'm with someone, I'm with them," he said, holding up a finger. "You think I can't be serious about someone just 'cause he's a guy?"

  A flow of emotion passed over Kerri's face, then turned ugly. "Can you be serious about anyone?"

  Lucas stared at her for a moment, then clenched his jaw. "I'm out of here." He turned again. He should have followed his first instincts and asked Soren to stay, or given up on clubbing-type fun for the night. He was sick of this particular scene.

  As Lucas broke out of the steam-room heat of the night club into the cooler November air, he jangled his keys in his palm and was grateful he'd driven himself that evening. With any luck it wasn't too late to have a productive evening, after all.

  Thirteen

  The smell of coffee and noise of grinding beans and hissing steam of milk fit into the feel of the morning like a glove over Soren's busy hands. He worked best in the mornings, and most of his shifts at Starbucks were pre-classes or weekend openers, and so the ritual of making coffee and the scents and sounds that permeated the shop had become like another morning routine.

  St. Johns did a brisk busi
ness that Thursday. He and Becky had been busy since the moment the store had opened, or very nearly. It was the best kind of busy. After a line of drinks and the clean-up and prep work to be done afterward, an hour or more had passed by the time Soren looked up.

  Busy was good. When the rush was on, it was so busy that Soren had no choice but to keep his mind focused on the task at hand. When they weren't busy, he found himself completely distracted thinking about Lucas.

  Soren was discovering his rising libido. He was actually getting kind of worried that it was one of the few things he could focus on when he wasn't so completely busy. He wondered if he could ask Sloane about it, or if that would be crossing the boundaries of their friendship into TMI. He just wanted to know if he was normal or becoming some kind of sex freak.

  It did make for a pleasant diversion when they weren't busy, though. He'd lean against the unused bar and daydream, reliving the moments when Lucas's mouth had been on him, the look of lazy pleasure in his eyes, and the way their gazes had connected again and again when Soren had his mouth on him.

  Soren flushed and busied himself with timing espresso shots.

  They were joined in the store by Teri. She was an older woman in her mid-thirties, a steady hand at keeping the coffee urns refreshed, and quick to back up Becky by taking the register when needed, or bagging pastries.

  Soren had already noticed that Michelle was on the schedule at eight, so it was no surprise when she came in and dove into the piles of work stacked in back. It was a surprise, however, when first Danice, then Aaron put in an appearance close to nine. Neither of them had been scheduled.

  As Aaron passed the bar on his way to the back, he bestowed a nasty grin on Soren.

  "Becky?" Soren turned to his shift super in the act of wiping the steam wand clean of hot milk that would cake on it if it dried. "What's going on?"

  Shrugging, Becky looked in Teri's direction. "Teri, go ahead and take a break, 'kay? You've been here long enough. But go see if there are dirty plates at the tables first."

  "Sure thing." Teri gave her a steady nod and left.