From the Inside Out

by Talya Andor

  "Hey." Lucas nudged him, stirring Soren out of that potential quagmire. "We're here to enjoy the day, remember?"

  Soren gave him a brief smile. "Of course."

  They wandered through the hilly contours of the zoo, pausing by exhibits, reading placards aloud to one another, enjoying the general closeness. Soren settled into a sense of peace he hadn't enjoyed before. Lucas had taken a map from the kiosk as he purchased their tickets, and pored over it occasionally but for the most part they wandered, letting their feet take them where they would through the zoo. The sun shone down like a weekend benediction.

  Soren was constantly aware of Lucas's callused hand, warm in his. The larger share of his attention was focused on enjoyment as they idled through exhibits, pressing close together to viewing glass or crowding against rails side by side. A small portion of attention was devoted to entirely too much thought was reviewing his impulsive statement of that morning.

  Sex. Anal sex. Soren's brain seized up on the concept, stuttering it in a repeated thought process at irregular intervals, throwing him into the loop of consideration at the strangest things. The brush of Lucas's hip against his, the shiver of wind through the orange-gold trees, the sight of an inadvertent smile bestowed on them by a bystander. Was he really ready?

  He could always say stop, not ready. Lucas would, and knowing that was enough.

  "Do you know," Lucas said, anchoring him on the spot as they neared the penguin house, "there have been feature articles on homosexual penguins?"

  "No joke?" Soren stared at him. "Well, that's not something you hear every day."

  "I'm not kidding. It's not exactly the kind of thing that makes front page news, but there's quite a bit of homosexuality in the animal kingdom."

  "I knew that much," Soren murmured, and got a whiff of the penguin exhibit as a cluster of zoo-goers left it. His eyes nearly crossed at the overpowering odor, acrid enough to jolt his tear ducts.

  "There's this couple they've been studying in a zoo in New England for a few years now—"

  "Whoa! Mommy, why are the two older boys holding hands?" a pig-tailed girl in the group whispered loudly to the woman beside her.

  The woman put a hand to her daughter's shoulder, drawing her away. "They're…they're really good friends, Ari."

  "But, Mom…"

  "Hush!"

  Soren, after his initial moment of startlement, grinned at the girl. She blinked at him, then surprised him with a wide gap-toothed grin in return.

  He gave himself a little shake. Lucas was still looking toward the knot of people as they disappeared around a bend in the parkway. "So what's with penguins?" Soren asked, tugging on Lucas's hand.

  "Well, they're special because they're one of the animals out there that mate for life." Lucas looked to him once more, and there was a smile on his lips. "Gives you hope for us apes, doesn't it? If a pair of male birds can shack up with each other for that long, we can't take that sitting down."

  "That's beautiful. Can we give the penguins a miss? They may pair-bond for life, but they stink."

  "Pragmatist," Lucas said, and made a face. "No, you're right, they do stink. Come on, let's go see if we can catch any of the primates humping like monkeys."

  "Monkeys…You know, I think you're less gentleman, more pervert."

  "You're just now figuring this out? Come on, we've got half the zoo left to cover!"

  *~*~*

  Lucas pulled his car into the space he considered his usual and let the engine idle for a moment. Soren's dark head turned from the window and he looked over at him, brows arched in a silent question. Lucas spoke up. "You want to stay the night?"

  Soren's mouth worked twice before he shaped the words. "I want to, but…"

  Lucas sighed. "I know what's after the but, and sadly, it's not me."

  Soren cracked up. They exchanged mirthful looks.

  "No," Soren said after he'd stopped laughing. "No, not yet."

  They sat still a moment longer before Lucas turned off the engine. The conversation they'd begun that morning was on his mind again. I want it. He wanted to reassure Soren that it was no big deal, but that wasn't his call to make.

  "Soren…"

  "Don't say anything," Soren said quietly, turning toward him and lunging halfway across the car.

  Lucas caught him, fielding his desperate mouth and they tangled, Soren's tongue cleaving his lips, Lucas struggling out of his seat belt to get closer. I want, I want, the desire pounded thick in his mind, and only the vague sense of the fact that they were in a car kept his hands out of Soren's shirt. Even though they'd spent half the night before in bed, wrapped up in the sway of hips and eager orgasms, Soren was kissing him and holding his face between his hands as if he couldn't get close enough. Lucas forgot himself and crowded near, sticking one hand down the back of Soren's jeans, the touch of smooth flesh perversely bringing him to his senses.

  They broke, breathing harder.

  "God," Soren murmured. "I can't get enough." He leaned, lips brushing against Lucas's cheekbone, migrating toward his mouth.

  "Is that why you want…" Lucas paused. "All the way, I mean?"

  "No, I…maybe…I'm not sure." Soren paused, a frown knitting his brows. "I feel like it's been long enough." He squirmed closer over the space between seats and Lucas could feel cold fingers stealing beneath his shirt.

  "I'm not going to argue that," Lucas said, wincing at the icy fingers blazing up his side. He brushed aside a silken tangle of dark hair and kissed Soren's neck. "When that's exactly what I want, it's impossible to argue. I just want you to be sure."

  "You really are a gentleman pervert," Soren said fondly, finding a nipple, making Lucas jump. "Let's go upstairs."

  "Do you want to…tonight?" Lucas asked, holding Soren by the back of the neck, other hand pressing flat low on his back, when he rustled to separate. Who was too good to be true? "Aren't you going to ask me…anything?"

  "What, like how it's done?" Soren huffed, giving Lucas a glowing smile.

  Lucas rubbed the smooth skin of Soren's lower back. "I hope you know how it works, otherwise you have no idea what you asked me for."

  "Mmm…I'm pretty sure I asked for sex," Soren said, stretching against him like a cat, fingers digging into him. "How long are we going to stay in the car? It's cold…"

  "Like I'm not keeping you warm enough." Lucas shook his head. "Your hands are stealing half my body heat, you know. And you're dodging the issue."

  Soren moved to kiss him again, and this time Lucas pulled his head back, withholding. Soren's body went rigid. "Fine, you want me to ask if you have any STDs? You want me to ask when was the last time you were tested? Or sexual partners. How many people have you slept with, Lucas?"

  "That last, you'd be surprised," Lucas muttered, lips stretching in something that wasn't quite a grin. "What Catholic girls will and won't consider sex is absolutely amazing…"

  Soren was silent, head lowered against Lucas's shoulder.

  "Um. Six people, all the way…er, full penetration, which is I think what you meant."

  A tremor went through Soren's body, unmistakable when they were so close.

  "Hey…hey…" Lucas began, alarmed, then realized as Soren lifted his head that he was laughing at him. He finished on an indignant note, "Hey!"

  "Thank God," Soren gasped, giving him a brief look of red-faced mirth before burrowing close again. "I thought it was, like, more than twice that number."

  "I'm not that much of a slut!"

  "Those are my mother's questions," Soren said against his neck, voice thick. "I don't want her words in my mouth."

  Lucas rubbed his back. "They're good questions to ask. No matter how you feel about me."

  "I know. I hate it."

  "I don't have any STDs," Lucas continued. "I was tested after my last break-up. I…I've always done that, gotten tested after the end of a relationship."

  "Good."

  I'm not going to get tested again for a long, long time, Lucas th
ought fiercely, but he couldn't say that. Releasing those words into the space between them was like making a promise, and he had been disappointed before.

  "I don't have anything."

  Soren's eyes widened. "You don't have condoms?"

  Lucas snorted. "Oh, I have those. But, uh, we need lube."

  "Oh," Soren said in a small voice. His eyes were bigger. "Well, um. We don't have to do it tonight."

  "No, we don't."

  "Hope that's okay," Soren said, cuddling up to his side again.

  "Totally fine," Lucas said, keeping the disappointment out of his voice. "Let's go upstairs." He kissed Soren's temple, tracked down to his nose, and completed the downward travel by kissing his lips, taking his time with that mouth. It was an effort to disentangle himself.

  He was conflicted. He wanted more, now that Soren had tentatively indicated he wanted to put it on the table. On the other hand, he knew if he came across as too eager, that might spook Soren again. The last thing he wanted was for Soren to withdraw again.

  They crunched up the gravel drive side by side. Soren moved in closer to catch at his hand. Clattering up the stairs turned into a race, laughing, breathless, until Lucas hauled up short before the sudden appearance of Jack around the building's corner, looming on the landing above him. They stood frozen for a moment, like a snapshot from an old western face-off.

  "Watch it," Jack said, his relaxed expression thinning down to a mean look. He edged past Lucas, followed by a skinny girl with brown hair falling forward to veil her face. Just past Soren, Jack turned to say something to the girl and they both began to laugh.

  Lucas's jaw clenched and he flipped a hand at Soren, chivvying him along, keys jangling from his fingers as he searched for the apartment key.

  "What is it?" Soren asked, catching up to him, a frown forming as he took in Lucas's demeanor.

  "Nothing," Lucas replied shortly, hoping he was wrong. It couldn't have been Kerri tagging along behind Jack.

  For a moment, he thought he had recognized her shrill laugh.

  *~*~*

  Side by side, Soren and Lucas had been studying on the couch for hours when the afternoon stillness of the apartment was broken by the thump of the door swinging wide. The knob hit the wall and triggered a cascade of coats from the wall-hooks. Brandon staggered into the apartment, laden down with a pair of weighty pumpkins. He stretched a leg to hook the door shut with his foot.

  "I'll get the door," Lisa said, sidestepping him.

  "Ah, well, at least you got something," Brandon gasped, making a beeline for the kitchen with his armfuls.

  Soren grinned as Lisa ignored the dig and muttered "Wimp" under her breath in a cheerful tone. He thought about getting up to help her with the coats that had been knocked askew, but was far too comfortable with an ankle twined under Lucas's calf.

  "You made a real mess," Lisa said.

  "Yeah, you try carrying the pumpkins."

  "I got the keys!" Lisa's eyes turned toward Soren and Lucas. "You're back! Did you go to the beach?"

  "No, we went to the zoo. It was great," Lucas answered, sounding distracted.

  Soren chuckled, stroking his foot over Lucas's calf. He could guess the source of the distraction. The zoo had been a while ago. They'd been home for hours, and pre-rewarded themselves with some time spent in the bedroom before hitting the books.

  "We got pumpkins!" Lisa said, wandering toward the kitchen bar. "Who's up for carving?"

  "As long as you don't expect me to make a pie," Lucas said.

  "Are you kidding?" Soren pulled a face at Lucas. "At my house we'll be carving about six." Ricky wasn't the only one still into Halloween; Alan and Claire went overboard every year. His sisters played into it too. Soren was the only one no longer enthusiastic.

  "Fine. I'll make Lucas do it," Lisa called back.

  "What do we men look like to you, slave labor?" Brandon asked her.

  Lisa sniffed. "I'm better at supervision, anyhow. Besides, if you're good I'll make roasted pumpkin seeds and that's a bigger pain than pumpkin carving." She wandered back into the rec room area with a Coke in hand.

  Soren looked up from the fat textbook balanced on his lap. "How are you doing?" he asked softly.

  "Me?" Lisa waved her Coke. "Fine. I'll cry again at the funeral." She sniffed. Her eyes were red.

  "I'll make you an evil pumpkin," Lucas promised.

  Lisa nodded, biting her lip with a reflective scowl.

  Soren glanced at the pumpkins that Brandon had left on the counter and wondered if it was time for him to make his getaway, before he was pressed into service. He supposed his years of experience would make him well qualified in her eyes.

  "Hey, did you go to the anime club today?" Lucas asked her, making an emphatic subject change.

  Lisa shook her head. "Slept through the start of it, then we went out to get groceries. Then I saw pumpkins!"

  "Obviously."

  "Groceries are still in the car," Brandon said, joining them in the rec room. "Be right back."

  "Oh, wait up…" Lisa began.

  "Don't bother, it's only a couple of bags. Me strong, like ox. Built for carrying girlfriend's things."

  Lisa giggled. "You're silly, like monkey."

  "Speaking of monkeys, we saw plenty of those today." Lucas set aside his laptop and heaved himself up from the sofa.

  "Take any pictures?" Lisa asked.

  "I think Soren posted a few to Facebook," Lucas turned a wry look on her. "You'll love a few of them, they're very, uh, couple-y."

  Lisa beamed. "I do appreciate seeing happy couples."

  Soren plucked at Lucas's jeans as he moved past him. "Where are you going?" he asked. He was working up toward a request to take him home, but reluctant to dispel the closeness that had settled on them throughout the day.

  "Bathroom," Lucas said, stooping to kiss the crown of his head.

  Lisa chuckled again.

  "Oh, go gut your pumpkin," Lucas told her, brushing past.

  "Can't. That's a job for slave labor."

  Soren marked his place in his textbook and looked up at Lisa, who was still leering. He clasped his knees to his chest. "Do I even want to know?"

  "It would make you blush. It's not important."

  Soren accepted that. "Got plans for the evening?"

  "You have an unusual lack of curiosity."

  "I have three sisters."

  "Ah. That would account for it. I think pumpkins, dinner, and television should fill my evening pretty well—"

  The door banged open again, and they looked up. This time, Jack sauntered into the apartment, tossing his jacket at a hook and missing, giving a shrug and tracking bits of mud behind him with each step. Soren frowned.

  Jack's sleek bleached-blonde head turned their way. "God, don't you people have homes?"

  "Yeah, I just work here," Lisa said, rolling her eyes. "Shoo, don't you have homework, or a life, or something?"

  "Wouldn't you like to know." Jack smirked, then looked at Soren. "Oh, Lucas still keeping you around?" He snorted.

  Soren opened his mouth, frown deepening into a scowl.

  "What's that supposed to mean?" Lisa demanded, beating him to the punch.

  "Nothin'. Nothin'." Jack grinned and backed away, then shook his head and moved past the kitchen area, laughing to himself.

  "Jack-ass," Lisa said, just loud enough. It didn't even make Jack pause in his tracks.

  Soren shook his head. "At least he's the only one that's been so rude."

  "What's that supposed to mean, anyhow, 'wouldn't you like to know.'" Lisa pulled her face in an ape-ish expression.

  Soren laughed.

  "Come on." Lisa jabbed him in the shoulder. "You know you want to help me carve pumpkins. With all that practice, you can really show 'em how it's done. What else have you got goin' on tonight, anyhow?"

  Soren cringed. "No way. You're not pressing me into service. Anyhow, I've got too much homework and Lucas is, uh, distracting."

&
nbsp; "I can imagine," she said, trying to look innocent.

  Soren rolled his eyes. "Yeah, well, I'd better call Sloane and get some real studying done. It's not an excuse, but I'm sticking to it."

  "I'll let you off this time, but next time…"

  Soren laughed and began packing up his books with a sense of unease. It was more than Jack's snide comments. If he was happy with Lucas, and ready to proceed to the next step with him, why did he feel like he'd also been let off the hook for something greater? He wasn't escaping. He was only putting off the next step for now.

  Fifteen

  The morning was crisp and overcast with a hint of rain in the air. Soren hurried from the apartment stairs to the idling car on the curb. Sloane had been gracious enough to pick him up when he'd called her last night. He was running late, nearly ten minutes after the time they'd agreed on.

  Soren bit his lip. He'd never have been able to imagine staying out all night at a boy's place even so recently as the past summer. Now, he was doing it nearly every night.

  His breath billowed on the still, cold air. A moment later, he reached the car and slid into the passenger seat. He was briefly envious of both Sloane and Lucas, each with their own cars. He'd been so used to sharing, because he'd never had a life of his own before.

  "Sorry I'm late" Soren panted.

  "Hey, it's only your ass if we're late to work," Sloane said, shrugging. She squinted at him. "You were late because you were fooling around with Lucas, weren't you?"

  "What?" Soren shot back, bullet-clipped, his cheeks getting hot.

  "Ugh, that means I'm right," Sloane said with a groan, shifting into drive. "Pick your moments, Soren. Don't keep me waiting because you needed a booty call!"

  "Quit it," Soren said, slumping in the passenger seat, bright-eyed and indignant. "Stop lecturing me. Lucas is my first boyfriend, all right?"

  "Yeah, that's true—and that's why I'm trying to warn you," Sloane said with a little laugh. "Try to remember to keep things balanced, yeah? Don't lose sight of things like……well, me, and schoolwork, and everything else in your life."

  "Yeah, but I don't get to see him until tomorrow."

  "Aww, poor thing. Some of us don't even have boyfriends, you know. Was he any good?"