From the Inside Out

by Talya Andor

  Soren let out a heavy sigh beside him.

  "Hey," Lucas said. "You okay?"

  Soren made a face. "Yeah, I just…yeah." He shook his head and squeezed Lucas's fingers, hard. "I've been dealing with everything pretty well, I think, but maybe it's all catching up with me now."

  Lucas followed, pulling the door shut behind them. They paused to kick their boots off by the door.

  "Sorry again about my mom. I'm dealing with that too." Soren gave him a sheepish look, stepping back and playing a hand at the edge of his hair as if he very much wanted to pull it back, but it was too short now.

  Lucas captured a hand, drew him over to the couch to sit. "I talked to your mom. Several times. More than either of us wanted. She said…yes, this was it: 'If you love him you won't try to see him again.' Real dramatic."

  "She's been a real bitch."

  "You said it, not me," Lucas said, reaching up to explore Soren's hair. He tracked fingers over the close-cropped strip above the ear. Soren's eyes were dark blue, expectant, and slid shut as Lucas's fingers combed through the shorter length of the cut.

  "I figure. I've been growing it out and having my mom cut it for as long as I can remember. It's time to do things for myself. I know you liked it long, but…"

  Lucas pulled Soren into a loose hug again. "It's your hair." He could feel the tension in Soren's body. "I'm sorry."

  "For what?" A hand touched the small of his back, rested there.

  The scent of fresh shampoo was in his nostrils, aromatic and unfamiliar. It was some salon brand he couldn't place. "I'm sorry for bailing in the hospital. Sorry for not coming over sooner." His mouth was nearly smothered against hair and the warmth of Soren's neck. "Sorry for not being there to protect you before anything happened."

  Soren pulled back with such speed that Lucas was staring into his eyes before he knew it. Hands were on his face, trapping his gaze straight forward. "Look. It's not your fault. I'm gonna get that out of the way right now, okay? It's over, done with." Speech given, his hands dropped to Lucas's shoulders, where he gave him a little shake.

  Lucas blinked. "I would have understood, you know. If you'd wanted to cool things off for a while. I mean…everything that happened—"

  "I was only afraid that was what you wanted." Soren curled up beside him on the couch, touching an index finger to Lucas's knee. "Really. I was pretty whiny last night, I'm glad you didn't hear me. But I sorted through what I wanted, and I don't want a break."

  It was almost too much. He'd gone from threat of restraining order from Claire Wilkenson to Soren practically in his lap in the span of half an hour. "How do you do it? How do you just…"

  "Keep going? That's the easy part. I just do it." Soren smiled faintly and sought Lucas's hand, pressed it clumsily to his chest. "You scared? I'm scared too. I can keep going but I've always had trouble finishing endeavors, you know. I want to finish ours together."

  Lucas tightened his fingers on Soren's. This time he wouldn't let go. "Deal."

  Soren's brilliant grin was worth any promise.

  "So, can I keep you for dinner? Or…?"

  "Oh, I can't," Soren said, shaking his head. "I came for my Lucas fix, you know. Sloane dropped me off here; I have a crazy mom on the rampage. I'll have to leave in a little bit." He clung to Lucas tighter, though.

  Lucas sighed and held him close. "Then I'm glad I've got you for now."

  Twenty

  The wind swirled through the streets and half-empty lots, driving the dried-up shells of leaves before it. Soren had his back pressed to the cold side of his car, and he would have been shivering if it weren't for Lucas leaning against his side, sheltering him from the cut of the breeze. Lips pressed against his neck, anchoring him to the moment. Soren's nose was numb but he worked his fingers into the armpit crease of Lucas's winter-weight parka, holding him there.

  "It's getting dark," Lucas murmured, the tremor of his lips vibrating up the skin of Soren's neck, sending a shiver through him that the cold hadn't managed.

  "Right." Part of Soren wished Lucas could ask him to stay, but they knew he couldn't. Soren needed to find out also if his mother had made a follow-up appointment with his regular doctor, as threatened. Tomorrow he'd have to approach professors, and potentially the dean of his college, to apply for leniency regarding classwork he'd missed. He had an abundance of to-do items, and he had the audacity to believe that he could work a shift tomorrow, let alone accomplish the remainder of his necessaries.

  Lucas's hand cupped his cheek. Hazel eyes reeled him in. "You okay?" He leaned forward, dropped a kiss to the corner of Soren's lips, and withdrew when Soren twitched to respond. "Not that I'm not flattered by the way you're looking at me, but soon I think we'll freeze our asses off. Not sexy."

  "Yeah, we'd better get going," Soren said, but he was still leaning into the solid warmth of Lucas.

  There was hesitation, Lucas's eyes on him quiet and dark, a softening in the way his lips parted. He leaned in and delivered an unexpected kiss to the tip of Soren's nose. "Okay."

  Soren moved in for a real kiss, but Lucas stepped back, holding up his hands.

  "Let's go. If you stay here any longer your mom will assume things, and kill me with the laser beams of her eyes next time we meet."

  Soren gave in. Lucas had already disengaged so it was easier to step away, though he didn't break eye contact.

  They separated to get into the Lexus, and picked up light conversation while Lucas navigated the streets. Soren updated Lucas on his promotion to shift supervisor, and Lucas let him know that Jack hadn't been seen for days again.

  As Lucas drove him home, the haze of the blue sky deepened into night. The car went along Willamette and the roadside turf sloped off sharply to the right of the Lexus, descending into a grade that met the flat bottom of the former riverbed, far below. The lights of industry flashed up from below, sodium-yellow and blue flare pinpoints, a field of electric stars in the valley mocking the wan star-strewn bowl of the sky above. The car turned off onto Soren's side-street and pulled up at the curb.

  He turned in his seat to smile at Lucas. "I'll see you tomorrow?"

  "Definitely." Lucas shifted in the driver's seat, lifting a hand to brush a tendril of hair over Soren's ear. It flopped forward again, and they both smiled.

  "That's going to take some getting used to. Maybe I didn't think it through enough. I can't really pull it back, now."

  "It looks good." Lucas tilted his head, looking wistful.

  Lucas didn't want to part any more than Soren did. Soren inhaled a short, tight breath, keenly aware of how happy he was, and wished one moment could stretch out longer. He turned his head to look at his house.

  All of the windows were burning, and Soren wondered what was happening right then. Dinner preparations, probably. His sisters were probably in their rooms doing homework, and Alan was probably relaxing in front of the television with Ricky. He balked thinking of what his mother might be doing right now.

  "Come in with me," Soren said, leaning over and unbuckling his seatbelt. "Please? For just a moment?"

  Lucas glanced at him, his expression strained. He pulled in a slow breath. "Your mom…"

  "Will hopefully be upstairs, or in the living room, or she may have gone into the office now that Dad is home. Please, for me?" Lucas hadn't even gotten to see his room. He wanted to replace the memory of that dinner with better ones.

  "I love you," Lucas said, and Soren's face lit up.

  Soren scrambled to unbuckle, and got out of the car. He was on the curb by the time Lucas reached him, locking the Lexus and slipping his keys into his pocket. They fell into step together as they went up the walk, and Soren drew Lucas's arm around him as though it would shelter him from the cold.

  "I know it was only two days, but it felt like forever," Soren said, leaning against his shoulder. "Not hearing from you…" He'd gotten a taste of his own medicine, and it had been awful. He'd never just ignore someone again. It was better to hear someth
ing, even an answer he wouldn't like, so long as there was some kind of response.

  "I didn't think you'd want to. I missed you, Soren. So much."

  "I missed you too."

  Half the family was in the kitchen when they got through the door, or so it seemed, including Alan and two of Soren's pretty sisters. Alan exclaimed something that sounded joking about how early Soren was in returning home, and Angie cut across it with a wolf whistle and observation on how good Soren's new haircut looked. Cassie made a scoffing noise and claimed she was still the prettiest.

  "You in for the night?" Alan asked.

  "Yeah, tonight I am," Soren agreed, hand seeking Lucas's for reassurance. "I just wanted Lucas to see me home. If you don't mind."

  Lucas's long, chilled fingers tightened around his.

  "Of course not, why would I?" Alan sent a probing gaze Soren's way, but simply looked him over and his expression cleared. "Feeling all right?"

  "Yeah, I'm totally fine. Going to show Lucas my room real quick, then he'll be on his way."

  "Normally, I'd invite you to stay for dinner, Lucas, but…"

  "It's fine," Lucas said. "I understand. It would be rude of me on such short notice, anyhow."

  "Not at all," Alan said. His eyes shifted to a corner of the room. "It's just not a good time."

  "I understand."

  With an inward groan, Soren pulled from the room before any further conversation could take place. If he couldn't invite Lucas to stay for dinner, why even mention it? He made a face. Oh, right, because dinner didn't go so well, last time.

  "Safe," Soren muttered as he led Lucas toward the front stairs.

  "Your dad tries really hard," Lucas said beside him, sounding amused.

  "Yeah, I…yeah. Ready to see my room?" Soren said, glancing over his shoulder with a coy lip bite. He was glad at least one of his parents was trying.

  "Umm…yes?" Lucas said, looking staggered.

  "We're not doing anything naughty up there," Soren said, and suppressed a snicker when Lucas acknowledged, looking disappointed.

  Upstairs, a long Persian runner ran the length of a wood-floored hallway lined with doors, most of them open, one or two of them shut. Soren led Lucas to his room. He couldn't help but compare it to Lucas's neat, sparsely furnished room. Posters were tacked up everywhere, obscuring the robin's egg blue of the walls except for scattered patches. A bright geometric quilt with a spangly sort of pattern was thrown over the bed and a computer workstation was pushed up against one wall. A pair of bookcases flanked the bed, each crammed full with books and papers and assorted odds and ends.

  Beside him, Lucas grinned and stuck his hands in his pockets.

  "It's hardly adult décor, but here it is," Soren said, nudging his arm.

  Lucas pushed the door mostly-closed behind them with a foot. "It's got a bed."

  Soren's eyes widened. "Not here." He squeaked as Lucas stepped in toward him, one hand going into Soren's hair and reeling him in, bringing their faces together for a slow, sweet kiss. He hovered a moment, lips so near to Soren's without touching, close enough to feel the warmth between them until Soren wasn't satisfied with only that, and nudged their mouths together with a low murmur.

  A smile formed against Soren's lips, and Soren grinned a response. He was happy to have Lucas here, sharing kisses.

  A bang sounded on the door behind them and it swung open, knob bouncing against the far wall. Morgan rushed into the room, looking excited and surprised.

  "Morgan," Soren said, giving her a dire look. "How many times have I said you need to knock?"

  "And I was!" Morgan exclaimed, a version of Soren's most indignant expression crossing her face. "Not my fault it wasn't latched, and my knock pushed it wide open."

  "That was some knock," Lucas said, gesturing to where the door was wobbling back from its collision with the wall.

  Morgan dissolved into a wide, impish grin. "Thanks! I just wanted to meet my brother's boyfriend…"

  "You met him," Soren snapped. "Get out."

  Morgan pouted, and Soren glanced over at Lucas to see him grinning.

  "Come on," Lucas said, easing his thumb over the large tendon in Soren's shoulder. "A proper introduction."

  "Right," Soren said, pushing his lips out in an expression that resembled Morgan's pout. "Lucas, this is my sister Morgan. Morgan, this is my boyfriend, Lucas."

  "Wow," Morgan said, starry-eyed.

  Lucas grinned at her and she began to giggle nervously.

  "Can I get some privacy, please, Morgan?" Soren asked, making Morgan giggle again.

  "Okay, I guess," Morgan said, coming inside of the bedroom far enough to grab the doorknob and haul it with her as she went. "He was pining for you, Lucas. Absolutely pining. Pleased to meet you!"

  Lucas turned his grin in Soren's direction, looking delighted to see the flush that was heating up Soren's face.

  "She's exaggerating," Soren muttered.

  "Oh, really."

  Soren's mouth skewed, and he stepped toward Lucas, making a surprised little noise as Lucas caught both his wrists and drew him in for another kiss.

  Soren was pretty sure he could enjoy Lucas's kisses forever. At least, for a good long while—until he'd gotten his fill, and that certainly hadn't happened.

  "Everything…okay?" Lucas said after a moment, breaking the kiss and resting his forehead against Soren's.

  Soren frowned and pulled back to nod. "What do you mean?"

  "After…the other night, is everything all right?"

  Soren's frown cleared. "Oh, yeah. I mean, I think so. I have to get a follow-up appointment with the doctor, but I feel fine."

  "You said you were having nightmares."

  Soren waved it away. "It's no big deal. It's normal, right? I don't think what happened is enough to call it post-traumatic stress, exactly…"

  "But you'd talk to me if it is? If it bothered you? Would you talk to someone?"

  Soren bit his lip. He was too used to withdrawing from the source of his problems. Lucas had learned that, the hard way. "I guess? I'll try to be more open, and you'll try to be less dumb?"

  They both snorted, and Lucas drew him into a closer hold.

  "I love you," Lucas whispered. "I don't know what I'd do if anything happened to you. If I wasn't able to protect you, again."

  "You don't have to protect me," Soren said, putting his arms around Lucas. "I can protect myself. And I'm not going anywhere."

  "Thank God," Lucas said. He rubbed his hands down Soren's back. "Wish we were at my place, right now."

  Soren murmured, and placed a small kiss on Lucas's neck. "Me too."

  "I'd better go," Lucas said. He sighed and hugged Soren into the crook of his arm.

  "I'll walk you out." On the way downstairs, they set up a time and place to meet the next day on campus.

  That night Soren had dinner with his family, and reflected that it had been days since he'd done that. The place he'd always thought of as his home now seemed like a temporary stop. He was getting restless, and realized what he needed to do.

  As with everything, though, it was difficult to pluck up the courage to do it.

  He excused himself from the table to finish his homework, and ended up on his bed, catching up on his reading. His sleep had been short enough, though, that reading turned into dozing. The light tap at the half-open door roused him.

  "Soren?" It was Claire.

  He wanted to tell her that he wouldn't bite. Then again, considering the tension between them, and what he'd sworn he would accomplish, she might take his impulsive behavior as license to keep his plans on hold until he'd seen the doctor.

  "Mom," he said, heaving himself into a sitting position and setting his book aside.

  "May I sit?" She pulled the chain of the tall lamp that stood beside Soren's door.

  "Sure." He shifted until he found a more comfortable position, glancing at the time on the nightstand clock. 9:06—earlier than he'd thought.

  Claire tucke
d her blue-patterned house dress around her as she sank into the battered old chair beside Soren's bed. Dark wings of hair framed her face but the main mass was pulled back as always, threaded into a loose braid tonight. A shadow obscured whatever details of expression might have clued her mood to Soren.

  "This morning," she said, "when you left the house to go see that boy—"

  "I left to run errands."

  "Please don't interrupt. I know you did other things. You came back with a haircut, after all. But you left against my objections, and our discussion was not finished."

  Soren blinked. He knew it had been rude, but to his mind, she had been even ruder. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have left like that. You really frustrated me, Mom."

  "I know. It's natural that you would be rattled after what happened the other night, and not thinking clearly. Your father and I talked about it some, and I've come around to that point of view. But I'm afraid I can't condone you seeing that boy anymore."

  Soren drew in a breath, held it, and expelled it slowly. He slid down in bed until his head touched the pillows again. "Good night, Mom." He closed his eyes.

  "I want to talk about this, Soren."

  "There's no point," Soren replied, keeping his eyes closed. "You've already made up your mind, and so have I, and we're not going to change our decisions by talking about it."

  "You're risking too much to be with him—"

  "Mom." Soren opened his eyes, turned his head enough to see the glimmer of hers in the half-darkness. "You're blaming him for something that's not his fault. And you're using it as an excuse to try and drive your prejudice between us."

  The sharp gasp let him know that she'd given up all pretense of calm discussion. "How dare you! I am your mother! Do you have any idea what it's like to get a call at the end of the day, telling you your son is in the hospital?"

  "I'm sorry about that. But it's over now. And I have a right to make my own decisions."

  Claire sat back in the chair, pulling herself stiffly upright. "If your decisions get you hurt and you're still living under my roof, you'd better believe I have a right to have my say."

  Soren cast a brief glance to the spackled ceiling and thought of Lucas's touch, tender hands traversing his shoulders, his waist, pulling them together with obvious relief after he'd apologized. Lucas's expression when he saw him, disbelieving and uncertain as a little boy. There were things that Soren would not give up, and he thought he'd made his mother understand that earlier today, but here they were having this discussion all over again.