Mom walked over to me, bent down so we were eye to eye, and placed her hands on my cheeks. “Jaxson Eli Kilter, none of this—and I mean none—has anything to do with you. Your father and your brother are wrong. You are perfect the way you are. Now get some rest.” She kissed my forehead and tucked me in. She walked away and was about to shut off the light, but I called out.
“Leave it on?” I asked, feeling stupid for still being afraid of the dark.
“Night light,” she said, gesturing toward the wall. “Remember? It’s never dark with your night light.”
I nodded slowly. “But keep the door open?” I asked.
“Will do, baby,” she promised. She shut off the light.
I tried my best to remember what Mom had told me, but it was hard. Dad hadn’t spoken to me in days, since I refused to shoot the deer. The last thing he’d called me was a pansy before he stopped talking to me.
Whenever I walked into a room, Dad walked out. Whenever I said hi, his mouth stayed shut. Whenever I did anything, he made me feel invisible.
Invisible.
I’m invisible.
25
Kennedy
Present day
“Do you want to go on an adventure today?” Jax asked as we lay in bed together. The night before when he’d come to my place, I could tell his energy was all over the place from visiting his father. He didn’t want to talk about it, though, so I didn’t push it. We kept things simple, and when we went to bed, he seemed calmer than he had when he’d arrived. I was thankful for that. I’d do anything to calm his troubled mind.
“I’m always down for an adventure,” I replied, shifting around in the bed. How had we gotten here so fast? One day, we were rebuilding a friendship, and the next he was lying shirtless in my bed. I guessed you could say our friendship had evolved over time.
I liked this version of us the most—the grown-up, imperfect version of our story.
“What did you have in mind?” I asked.
“I saw you had the hidden room at the library on your list of things to see. Now, to be clear, that seems to be an urban legend of the greatest extremes. I am ninety-nine percent sure it doesn’t exist.”
“I’m all about that one percent chance,” I said, rubbing my hands together.
“Then let’s do it. I’m going to go shower, then I have my coffee with Joy. There are a few job sites Connor and I have to tackle, but after that, I’m free. We can head over to the library around five this afternoon if you want?”
“Sounds good to me.”
Before he left, he kissed me goodbye, and the butterflies that hit me almost sent me backward. I was prepared to ride a wave of happiness for the remainder of the day—then my phone started ringing and Penn’s name appeared on the screen.
He hadn’t called me once since I’d left. He hadn’t said a word to me, except for the few text messages that said he missed me. Now he was calling me, and I didn’t know what to do, so I let it go to voicemail.
When it began to ring again, my stomach knotted up, and I swallowed hard, answering it just in case something was seriously wrong.
“Hello?” I said.
“Kennedy, hey. How are you?” he asked. He seemed calm as ever, which was concerning after the way he’d handled our relationship before.
“How am I?” I asked, confused. “What do you want, Penn?”
“I, uh, I guess I deserve that tone after the way I handled things between us. I could’ve dealt with everything a little bit better.”
I huffed. “You don’t say. Why are you calling?”
“To tell you to come home now. It’s been a few weeks, and I could really use you back here, Kennedy. I miss you. People are asking about you. They’re noticing you aren’t around.”
“Isn’t that what you wanted? Didn’t you want me to stop making scenes in front of people?”
“You were grieving…and I get that. I mean, hell, I was grieving, too, and I didn’t handle anything well. I’ve been thinking about going to therapy, you know, to work on my anger issues…to help fix our marriage.”
“We don’t have a marriage, Penn. You kicked me out. You threw money at me like I was a pathetic whore. You said you wished I had an abortion. I want nothing to do with you ever again.”
“Baby,” he said, sniffling. Is he crying? Seriously? I hadn’t heard Penn cry a single tear since the accident. “I need you. Remember that dinner we went to the night everything went sideways? Remember that older lady, Laura Smith?”
The one who’d told me to run? Yes, I remembered her. “What about her?”
“Well, she’s looking to purchase some big property, and I mean big, Kennedy—the kind of money that would change our lives forever.”
“You mean your life, Penn. It would change your life.”
He went quiet for a moment. “Yeah, I mean…it’s an amazing opportunity.”
Had he called me to gloat? To tell me how wonderfully things were going for him? Because I wasn’t interested in hearing it, that was for sure.
“Good for you. Listen, if you don’t have anything else to say—”
“She won’t work with me without you,” he cut in.
“What?”
“She said the only way she’ll make a deal with me is if she gets to have a dinner out with you.”
I laughed out loud. “Are you joking?”
“No. Those were her guidelines. I don’t know why. I don’t get why she’d want to meet with you. You don’t seem important enough for anything she could need.”
And there it was.
One of Penn’s trademark backhanded insults that later he’d call me too emotional for getting offended by.
“Goodbye, Penn.”
“Wait, Kennedy, dammit!” He groaned into the phone. “Why do you have to be so difficult all the time? I’ve been nothing but a goddamn saint to you after you killed my little girl, and this is how you repay me? This is—”
I hung up.
His words sent chills down my spine as my phone slipped from my hand and hit the floor.
You killed my little girl.
That knife dug deep into my core and twisted inside me. He hadn’t called me because he missed me. He’d called because he needed me. He’d called because without me, he would lose out on a huge profit. It had nothing to do with his love for me. He didn’t truly want me to come home to him. He wanted to use me then toss me out like an old rag doll.
A stupid part of me had almost believed his words. Therapy? Yeah right. The moment I’d mentioned to Penn that I was thinking about going to therapy after the accident, he had told me it was a waste of my time. He said therapists were frauds who didn’t help people get better, just stole their money, and now he was going to therapy to fix himself? To fix his issues?
Words—that was all he was giving me. Empty, meaningless words to try to pull me back into his web of destruction. Truthfully, I was tired of it all. I was tired of him belittling me, tired of him hurting me.
A part of me figured Laura had told Penn that to work as karma. She knew I would be gone and that he therefore had no way of getting a commission from her. It felt like a slight ‘girl power’ moment, and I wished I could’ve hugged her for it.
My phone began ringing again, and Penn’s name popped up against the screen again.
I picked it up and blocked it.
I had nothing else to say to the man who’d made me feel so small during the hardest days of my life. Laura was right—that is not how a husband is meant to treat his wife.
I was never going to allow a man to treat me that way again.
* * *
“I miss you and want to come home,” Yoana said, just seconds after I called her. It had been a few days since we’d last talked because she and Nathan were hiking in South America with little reception. I gave her a quick update on life in Havenbarrow, the magic that was blue moon, and every detail about Jax Kilter, along with my phone call from Penn.
“I miss you too, but yo
u’ll be back in about a month or so, and then we can find our new normal.”
“With your new boyfriend slash old best boyfriend,” she cooed, making me laugh.
“He’s not my boyfriend. He’s just a boy who’s a friend,” I said, sounding so much like I had when we were kids and Yoana would mock me about my connection with Jax. “Besides, I’m still legally married to Penn.”
“Screw him, the asshole. I can’t believe he tried to drag you back into his life to make a deal. I’m a million percent certain he was planning on kicking you to the curb the moment he got his money. He’s a loser who doesn’t deserve you, but it sounds like this Jax guy does. So let’s talk more about him.”
Just thinking about Jax set my cheeks on fire. He was so gentle with me, and kind. He listened to my hopes and dreams, he allowed me to talk about Daisy, and when I needed to cry, he didn’t call me emotional. He didn’t tell me I was too much.
He listened, he consoled me, and he wiped away my tears.
Even before Daisy passed away, Penn had always undermined my emotions. Jax allowed them to soar and never seemed overwhelmed by anything I felt. That was freeing to me. When someone allows you to fully be who you are, you owe them all of your love.
“He’s really wonderful, Yoana. He went through some trauma when he was younger, so it’s nice to talk to someone who understands what it’s like to carry the guilt of an accident.”
She went quiet for a second, and I knew she was thinking something important.
“What is it?” I asked.
“Nothing.”
“Yoana, I know you the same way you know me—inside out. So, what’s the problem?”
“I just want to make sure Jax is whole, you know? I don’t want you to fall too quickly for someone who’s broken too.”
Broken too.
She thought I was broken. I didn’t know what to say to that.
“You really think I’m broken?” I asked, my voice shaky as a pit of nerves swarmed inside me.
“No, no! Not like that, Kenny. I just mean you’ve been through a lot. I don’t want you to feel as if you need to be drawn to someone else who has baggage.” The more she talked about it, the more she left me feeling uneasy. She sighed. “This isn’t coming out right.”
“No, it’s not. It’s odd, too, seeing how seconds ago you were just cooing over the idea of calling Jax my boyfriend.”
“That was before I knew he went through a major trauma. Look, I’m not trying to stop your happiness. If anyone in this world deserves it, it’s you. I’m just being a big sister, that’s all. It’s my job to protect you. All I’m saying is be careful with your heart. It’s been through a lot, and I don’t want you to get hurt again.”
Just like my previous call with Penn, I was being left with a nasty taste in my mouth. Here I was, finally finding my footing after so much struggle, and now my sister was telling me to slow down my speed toward happiness.
I didn’t want to hear that.
“I hear you, Yoana. I do. I think I’m going to go take a walk to clear my head a little. Today’s already feeling heavy.”
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to add any stress, I swear.”
“It’s okay. You love me and are just looking out for my best interests, and I get it. I’d do the same for you, too. We’ll talk soon. Keep enjoying your trip!”
“Will do. I love you.”
“Love you too.”
After I hung up, I tossed on a pair of tennis shoes, headed out to the woods, and reminded myself how to breathe as I tried to stop overthinking Yoana’s words. What if she was right? What if falling for Jax so quickly was me setting myself up for yet another trap? I’d fallen for Penn fast. Everything about us had been a whirlwind, and the idea of going through that kind of pain again felt like too much.
What if Jax hurt me? It was clear that even his therapist, Eddie, was worried about his well-being and how he was dealing with the health struggles of his father. What if once he passed away, Jax snapped? What if he pushed me away? What if I needed him and he wasn’t able to catch me before I fell?
Was I being naïve to think our relationship was on its way to a world of happily ever after? I mean, heck, we weren’t even officially in a relationship.
I sat outside and listened to the birds for a few hours, hoping they’d give me some answers, praying they’d share a few secrets of healing with me.
26
Kennedy
“You have keys to the library?” I asked Jax as he flipped through the set of keys in his hand. We stood on the top step to get into what seemed to be a very closed library. The sign read loud and clear that the hours were nine to five. Surely Jax knew this fact.
“I do tonight,” he said, finding the right key and unlocking the door in front of us. As he opened it, I stood still.
“What’s happening right now?” I asked. “Are we breaking and entering?”
He chuckled that deep, manly laugh that I loved from him. “No. The guy who runs the library, Hunter, allowed me to put in a request to have it for the night.”
“You requested a library? Are you telling me there’s a way to rent out libraries, because I’d like to sign up for that on a daily basis.”
“Not on the regular occasion, but Hunter owed me a favor.”
“What kind of occasion warrants you a whole library?”
He scrunched up his nose and scratched at the back of his neck. “I was working a plumbing job a while back, found a pair of lace panties shoved deep into his toilet drain.”
“Okay?” I asked, not following the odd story.
“A size extra-large pair of panties, and let’s just say his size extra-small wife was not the owner of them. Plus, she was gone on a business trip the week before the panty issue.”
“Oh, what a dog!”
“Yup, but he begged me not to tell—not that I would. Other people’s business is none of my concern. As long as his check cleared, I was good. Today when I asked him for his keys to have the library for the night, and he said no. I said lace panties, and he handed them over.”
I laughed. “You blackmailed him with panties?”
“Sure did.”
I shivered at the thought of Jax having to deal with a stranger’s panties. “I bet you see a lot of weird things with your job.”
“Don’t even get me started on the anal beads.”
My eyes widened. “What?!”
He snickered to himself and shook his head. “Never mind. Let’s go.”
We walked into the library, and in an instant, I was in heaven. Jax locked the door behind us so no one else could get in. If I ever had to be locked away somewhere, I prayed it would be a library. I’d never run out of adventures.
“I figured it would be easier to search the library for the hidden room if no one else was here. Plus, now we can be wild and ignore the no talking rules.”
“Aren’t you the biggest rebel?”
“What can I say? Bad to the bone.”
This was so exciting to me, and I loved that Jax had gone the extra mile to make what some people would think was a lame evening even more special. At the front checkout desk was a basket filled with snacks and two spill-proof wine tumblers which were hopefully filled with happiness.
“Joy sent us a bottle of white wine. She said you really liked this certain type. Also, I attempted to make a chicken potpie, which is a million times easier said than done. Joy helped me with that, too.”
My eyes widened. “That’s my favorite meal.”
“Yeah, I know—at least, I knew it used to be. I was reading through the old letters you sent me and—”
“You still have our letters?”
He grew sheepishly shy, crossed his arms, and shrugged. “Yeah. I know that’s probably stupid, but they meant a lot to me. When I was younger, on some of my hardest days, I’d go back and read those letters. They got me through some heavy stuff.”
Without thought, I wrapped my arms around him and pulled him in
to my body. I needed to feel him against me, to remind myself that this was real, that we were real. I knew what Yoana was worried about, and I loved her for her concern, but Jax was the one designed for me. He wasn’t the villain of my fairy tale; he was the broken hero, the one who wasn’t meant to save me, but who was meant to save himself, and he was doing that. Day in and day out, he put in the work to better himself, which was so inspiring to me, and he made me want to do the same for myself. I didn’t want Jax to fix me—that was my own job. That said, I did want to be inspired by his growth to see that I, too, could grow, could heal, could come out of my current situation and find happiness on the other side.
“You make me want to get better,” I whispered as his strong arms held me close.
He planted a kiss on my forehead. “You’re making me better,” he replied.
We decided to eat dinner and drink all the wine before getting to work in the library. There were so many books to try to pull in order to unlock the secret passage to a hidden room, and there was a good chance we’d be there all night long.
I didn’t mind that one bit. Being locked in the library with Jax Kilter—I could’ve thought of worse ways to spend a night.
We invented a game where we’d go to different parts of the library and pull random books to read passages from. Anyone else in the world might’ve thought we were nerds for this, but honestly, it was the most fun I’d had in a long time. Having a big, strong—and slightly tipsy—man read excerpts from The Odyssey was much more of a turn-on than one would think.
The way words rolled off Jax’s tongue sent chills down my spine. I could have listened to him read to me for the rest of my life, and still it wouldn’t have been enough of his words.
“Pull a book and flip to page ninety-four. Read the fourth paragraph,” he ordered for our sixteenth round of the game.
I pulled out a novel entitled Midnight Mansion by Graham Russell, the great horror author, and began to read. “‘His hands were soaked in gasoline, and his breath was coated with an aged whiskey that no longer burned on the way down. He’d been drinking for days, yet still, it only felt like hours. The loneliness of the passing weeks ticked by as he rustled through the old photographs of the woman he loved who was now a named killer. He wondered to himself how he could’ve loved someone so dark, but realization settled in that the darkest people were the most fun to be infatuated with. He craved disappointment, and Leslie always gave it to him.’”
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