Axes and Angels: A Snarky Urban Fantasy Novel (Better Demons Series Book 1)

by Matthew Herrmann

  Garfunkel lifted his Hello Kitty shades. “Is that a walking pumpkin?”

  A willowy man in a ratty dark cape and dusty trousers made his way toward us, a slim saber strapped to his waist. He walked like a world-weary soldier.

  Oh, and he had a glowing jack-o’-lantern for a head.

  The Other stopped a few yards away as he eyed us.

  I glanced at Orion fingering the crossbow at his back. On my right shoulder, Simon shivered.

  The saber shrieked as the pumkinheaded Other unsheathed it and held it before him, its shiny blade parting his yellow-grinning face in a diagonal slash.

  “Jack and the Wisp”

  “Halt.”

  Garfunkel did a double-take. “A walking, talking pumpkin …”

  The glowing grin tracked me behind the raised blade. “What are you doing here, human?”

  Although scratchy from unuse, there was an air of cockiness to the voice that suggested the Other had once been an energetic people person (Other Other?). So maybe he’d respond to reason instead of trying to attack us.

  “Um, would you believe me if I said I was trying to beat an underground crime boss to the Gates of Atlas so I could steal an ancient artifact from his pocket?”

  The pumpkin man stroked the underside of his er, pumpkin. “You’re not the first to come looking for that. But I’m afraid you are chasing a myth.”

  I exchanged a glance with Orion. “And why’s that?”

  “Because I have lived down here many years—before the gods left. And I would know if it was here.”

  “Oh, it is down here,” Orion said, raising his voice.

  “Hah. Says Typhon’s lieutenant.”

  “I am not Typhon’s lieutenant.”

  The pumpkin head scoffed. “I have seen you with Typhon’s digging teams. Creating new tunnels, trying to reach this cavern.”

  Orion fidgeted. “I uh …”

  Turning to me, the pumpkin man said, “I saw your S-O-S signal light. Is this man threatening you?”

  “Threatening her?” Orion said through gritted teeth.

  I placed a hand on Orion’s arm while the glowing Other stole a glance back up at the stacked shanty town. “I serve as these Others’ unofficial protector. I do not wish to start a fight, my lady, but fight I shall, to defend your honor.”

  Orion growled and I quickly stepped between them.

  “No one is threatening anyone. We’re just new to this big place and are trying to find the gate.”

  The wiry swordsman scoffed warily. “The Heart of Atlas.”

  “Heart of Atlas?”

  “Aye. A treasure trove of creation crystals—a source of unbridled power with the might of turning one into a god.”

  I gritted my teeth. Power to turn someone into a god. That was definitely not something I wanted Typhon to get his hands on …

  The jack-o’-lantern man continued. “If this source of power was real, do you not think I would have sought it out and used it to help these downtrodden Others?”

  Orion spat to the side, something the old Orion never would have done in front of a new acquaintance. “Maybe you just don’t know where to look.”

  The pumpkin-headed man stepped in for a closer look. “Wayfinder … As was I, you used to be human. I have distanced myself from humans for quite some time now, mainly because of your barbarous behavior.”

  “Careful, Theo,” Simon said. “He looks angry. And since you’re in no condition to fight … maybe try to calm him down!” I flashed Simon a look and he gave me a cheesy grin. “Maybe start with a compliment?”

  Sigh …

  “Um, I like your smile?” I said.

  Garfunkel snickered. “Words …”

  The pumpkin-headed man gave a guttural growl that echoed within his er, pumpkin head. Gripping his saber, he turned to Orion. “I do not trust you, Wayfinder. Do you and your master threaten my village?”

  Orion tapped his fingers against the hunting knife sheathed at his side. “Typhon is not my master.”

  The pumpkin man growled again, intensifying the glow of his eerie jack-o’-lantern grin.

  “Uh Theo, if you don’t restrain Orion soon, they are going to fight each other and that would not be good.”

  “Ladies and gentlemen,” Garfunkel said in the fast-talk of a bookie. “Twenty bucks on the Wayfinder? Twenty bucks on the pumpkin-head? Twenty bucks, people …”

  “Oh no,” Simon continued. “A fight will draw Maximus’s attention. And if Orion loses, who will find the way?”

  The jack-o’-lantern man shifted combatively on the soles of his boots, barely making a sound. “You want to have a go at it,” he said, chopping the air in front of him in a fierce display. He moved deceptively quick, faster than I’d ever seen Orion move. Who was this guy?

  I gripped Orion’s elbow, wrenched him back as he tried to take a step forward.

  “Let me fight the braggart,” he said.

  I yanked him back harder. “We don’t need to draw Maximus to us.”

  The pumpkin man laughed. “You should listen to the woman.”

  “Theo,” Simon warned. “Orion’s wrath meter is about to break!”

  “What kind of a man are you?” the swordsman taunted.

  “Pride meter, too!” Simon shouted.

  “I wonder,” Orion said. “Will you still say that when I cast your body into a ravine and take your sword?”

  Simon gulped. “And envy.”

  “Where’s sloth when you need it?” Garfunkel said offhandedly.

  The pumpkin man regarded Orion as he dropped the tip of his saber and etched a line in the stone.

  While keeping his eyes on his adversary, Orion unsheathed his hunting knife.

  The jack-o’-lantern chuckled. “You don’t have the gall.”

  Tension choked the darkness—I had to act fast. But what could I do?

  “He does, but he won’t,” I said, flashing Orion a warning look. When he only scoffed, I swallowed and leaned into Orion’s ear and whispered so that not even my familiars could hear, pulling back only when Orion raised both eyelids at me and licked his lips.

  For a moment, he looked utterly speechless. Then he stared at me, his lips curling, a hungry flush creeping into his cheeks. “Do you swear it?”

  I bit my lip.

  To see Orion this way, this shameless and ruled by primal desire …

  If he didn’t revert back to his old self soon, I’d have to find a way to manually fix him.

  “Yes,” I, ahhh, purred. “If you help me get the pendant from Typhon and we escape this place, I will let you do what I said to me.”

  With lust in his eyes, Orion nodded to me and then turned back to the swordsman’s glowing pumpkin head. “I have no quarrel with you, fellow warrior. I do not wish to shed your blood this day.”

  There was silence as the words hung in the air.

  The swordsman passed a wary eye over Orion, sheathing his blade. “Nor I. We shall each die in our own time. No need to hasten the reaper’s call.”

  I cleared my throat. “Good decision, boys.” Turning to the pumpkin man, I said, “Now why don’t you tell us your name?”

  The man’s two triangular-carved eyes regarded me with a candlelight flicker.

  “Jack. Jack-O’-Lantern.”

  Wait, whaat?

  Garfunkel lifted his shades. “The Jack-O’-Lantern?”

  “I thought he was just a myth,” Simon said.

  “Um, OK. I’m sure there’s a story there somewhere but we’re kinda running out of time …” I indicated the stretch of cavern floor against the far wall teeming with shadowy stalagmites. “… before Typhon punches through the cavern.”

  Jack bowed elegantly. Upon closer inspection, I noticed the European cut of Jack’s button-up shirt, trousers and cloak. “Apologies, my lady. I’m afraid I cannot be of use to you.”

  “You know,” Simon said. “Aside from that scary head of his, he’s kinda charming …”

  I just stared
at Jack. “We’re trying to stop Typhon before he reaches Atlas, which we do believe exists. You do know how dangerous Typhon is, right?”

  The jack-o’-lantern bobbed. “The demigod who runs the Others Arena? Aye. Sound travels well through the veins of stone down here.” He gestured up at the cramped hovels on the rising plateaus off to the side. “We can hear the screaming during some of the bouts. Typhon is relentless in his Games.”

  I made a fist at my side. “You can live with yourself, knowing their pain and doing nothing for them?”

  Jack sighed. “What can we do? We barely scrape by down here. It is a cruel world; it will take advantage of you if you let it.”

  The abaia in Typhon’s cage room floated into my mind. “You think the Others in Typhon’s Arena deserve to be there? That they were just unlucky?”

  “We are unlucky.”

  I shook my head. “If Typhon gets his hands on this power … he will eventually come for you.”

  Jack shrugged wearily. “Life has been unkind to me and those I protect here. Perhaps, it would be a blessing.”

  Clenching a fist at my side, I said, “I don’t think you’ll be of any help to us then.”

  Jack shook his head. “I’m afraid not.”

  Tiny footfalls sounded from around the bend of the footpath. A couple of goblin children peeked out at us from the gloom before rushing to Jack’s side. Patting them gently on their cute greenish heads, he said, “My place is here but I wish you good day.” He paused. “And beware the scorpion Maximus.”

  The girl goblin waved shyly at us before Jack turned and escorted the two children back up the path, his glowing jack-o’-lantern face lighting the way until it disappeared around the stony bend.

  “Lotta help he was,” Garfunkel said. “Chap kinda reminded me of you. Concerned only with himself and his people. Kinda heartless …”

  “Hey now,” I warned as Simon tugged on my hair.

  “Uh Theo, what exactly did you promise Orion earlier?”

  My cheeks blushed stupidly.

  “Look it worked, OK. No one got killed or maimed. Why don’t we get a move on?”

  Well, get a move on we did—until we came to a chasm running perpendicular to us, cutting off our access to the stalagmite jungle and the far wall which somewhere contained the hidden gate to Atlas. At least, according to Orion.

  “We can probably jump that,” Garfunkel said.

  “We probably can’t jump that,” Orion said, extending an arm before me as if I was seriously about to just impulsively jump across. (Which part of me was.)

  I stood there for a moment with one hand on my hip and the other, er raised high to provide the light. Upon pausing to study the chasm, what at first looked only five feet across now appeared closer to ten feet and then fifteen feet and then …

  “Ah, a magic glamour,” Orion said, looping his thumbs through his belt. “Give it time; it’ll stop growing.”

  As I stared in near disbelief, the width of the canyon increased to about twenty feet before it just stopped.

  Yeah … only Wonder Woman is jumping across that gap.

  So how were we going to cross?

  If Arachne was with us, she’d weave a netted bridge stronger than Orion’s fancy elven rope. I’d only recently witnessed her prowess with her spiderly thread which had come in quite handy in the outburst of a gang war bar fight.

  But Arachne wasn’t here. And neither was LK or even Lucy for that matter who always came prepared with a duffel bag full of equipment—and weapons.

  Simon gasped from my right shoulder. “Gee, I’m glad you didn’t try to jump across,” he said with a shameful glance at his worse half on my opposite shoulder. “I don’t see a bottom to that trench.”

  Garfunkel whistled before coming alert and pointing along the rift at a weak light blinking amid the darkness. “A wisp. And check out that pattern—I think it’s sending us a message.”

  Fifty yards down on our side of the chasm, a small glowing light pulsed out a series of long and short flashes: morse code. I glanced at my arm flashing out S-O-S. Then I studied the message of the wisp. It said, Pass safe here.

  I blinked. “Looks like you’re right. It seems that not all the Others who live down here are unwilling to help us. Let’s go check it out.” As I headed toward the wisp, Orion caught my arm and my eyes.

  “It could be a trap. Remember the glamor.” He slipped the crossbow from his shoulder.

  “What are you talking about?” I said. “An evil will-o’-the-wisp? How could a glowing orb even hurt me? Temporarily blind me? Besides, judging by how weakly it’s pulsing, it might be wounded. It helps us; we help it. Tat for tit.”

  “Um, the saying is ‘tit for tat,’ ” Simon corrected.

  Orion opened his mouth but I cut off his protest.

  “We need a way across if we’re to beat Typhon and lay in wait for him.”

  I proceeded toward the wisp-light. Behind me, Orion maintained a safe distance with his crossbow tilted off to the side.

  Over-concerned much? I thought as I neared the eye-level pulsing light.

  I guess with what I’d promised Orion could do with my body after we got out of this creepy Underworld hell, I couldn’t blame him.

  But there wasn’t anything wrong here. Pass safe here, the weak light repeated as I closed the distance. With each step I took, it seemed the Wisp-light faded a bit. Maybe it was my imagination though. Pass safe here. Pass safe here. Pass safe …

  Suddenly the message changed.

  Doubt slivered up my back. I swallowed.

  “Is it just me or is there something wrong with the way that wisp is moving?” I asked.

  “It’s probably sick,” Simon said with a drooping gaze.

  “No,” Garfunkel said. “You’re right. It’s moving all wrong. Jerking like a worm on a hook … course, I’m no expert on wisps. It could be their version of the jitterbug.”

  I stopped as soon as the Wisp came into the radius of my arm light and swallowed, knowing I’d made a grave mistake.

  “Uh, Theo,” Simon said, barely above a whisper as he tucked himself into my hair.

  “Yeah Simon?”

  “That’s no will-o’-the-wisp.”

  “Oh yeah?” Garfunkel said. “Then what is—oh poo Theo quick turn around!”

  Too late.

  Instead of a harmless fluttering wisp, directly in front of me stood the shiny, glob-like contours of a dump truck-sized, fishlike frame. Horns covered its oil-slick skin and terrible fins tore up from its pudgy forehead, lashing backward like the miniature sails of a ship. Mostly, I just stared at its three blood-red eyes arrayed like a tri-force above its spreading lips littered with rows of crooked spike-teeth.

  A spine jutted from above the creature’s third eye, curving like a bent fishing rod, dangling the faux will-o’-the-wisp that had lured me right within dinner range.

  Me hungry, its morse code message flashed. A pleased croak escaped its paunchy throat as it opened wide.

  And leapt at me.

  “Bait and Hook Tactics … They Always Work On Me!”

  I dove back the way I’d come as Orion sent a crossbow bolt sailing over my shoulder blades. The bolt sank into bulbous flesh with a wet Snick! as I scurried to my feet and sprinted away. Orion calmly cocked another bolt into the receiver and fired again, spinning and dashing after me.

  “Told you,” he said as he pulled even with me, drop-off directly to our side as we ran parallel with the chasm.

  I huffed to keep up with him while flashing him a dirty look. “We’re all entitled to make mistakes every now and then!”

  “Mistakes that get us eaten?” Simon wailed as he held on for dear life.

  I struggled to keep up with Orion, my pumping arms scattering the light from my tattoo lamp, erratic shadows jumping all around us. At least my stamina was returning, but I really could’ve used full strength right then as the angler fish Other flopped greedily after us, its spiky teeth clinking against each othe
r like knives.

  I sprinted after Orion until my legs felt like they were about to give out and then I saw it: a narrow rock bridge spanning the chasm directly beside us.

  What was it my mom had said about taking the wrong paths in life …?

  Orion pulled up short of the land bridge and shouldered his crossbow again, waving me on. I didn’t hesitate as I turned and dashed across.

  “I can’t look!” Simon shouted.

  “I can’t see the bottom,” Garfunkel grumbled.

  Did I mention the bridge was really narrow? It held though, and I reached the other side littered with small sharp rocks the perfect size for throwing. On the other side of the gap, fluttering in the fading reach of my upraised arm tattoo, the nightmare beast gave a gulping, fishlike roar. Orion stepped onto the bridge, shouldering his crossbow.

  I crouched and selected a stone with an aerodynamic edge to it as the beast romped nearer to my partner.

  Orion took another step. He wasn’t going to make it; the beast was too close and even if Orion managed to stay ahead of it, the bridge would collapse under the beast’s weight.

  I cocked back my arm and took aim. I’d only have one chance.

  Orion took another step. Almost halfway across …

  The beast unlatched its nightmare maw and pulled up short. Was it not going to cross? It had to know the thin rocky finger wouldn’t support its weight. Maybe I wouldn’t need the throwing stone after all …

  “Just a little farther!” I shouted.

  “Go, go, go!” Garfunkel shouted.

  “I can’t watch!” Simon screamed.

  Orion was going to make it. Just one more step and he’d be clear—

  The frog creature snapped its lips together, reopening them lightning fast as its tongue shot forward like a harpoon, striking Orion in the back like … a harpoon. He collapsed upon his chest just short of the end. The tongue, stuck to the back of his jacket, jerked him backward, his fingernails scrabbling for purchase on the stone as his crossbow slid over the edge.

  “No!” I shouted.

  The fish-frog beast remained at its end of the chasm, slowly reeling in Orion with its sticky tongue while Orion floundered on the narrow bridge.