by G. E. Farrow
CHAPTER V.--THE COUNCILLORS OF ZUM.
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HY, here he comes" exclaimed the M.D., as a very tall,aristocratic-looking gentleman opened the door and walked hurriedly downthe steps.
"My dear sir, this is really too bad; you mustn't think of going out,ill as you are," he said.
"Oh, nonsense, my dear M.D." said the Lord High Fiddle-de-dee. "Statematters of the utmost importance demand my immediate attendance at theHouse of Words, and I must go whether I am well or not. Who arethese persons with you?" he continued, staring rather hard at Boy andOne-and-Nine.
"Oh! I really don't know their names," replied the M.D. "I think theyare respectable persons, though."
"Have they a vote?" inquired the Lord High Fiddle-de-dee anxiously.
"Yes, I think so," said the M.D., referring to his watch. "They havebeen in the Town over an hour."
"Oh, that's all right, then," said the Lord High Fiddle-de-dee; "everyone who has lived here for more than an hour is entitled to a vote.Bring them along; they may be useful. What's your name?" he continued,turning to Boy.
"My name is Cyril, but I am usually called Boy," was the reply.
"And yours?" asked the Lord High Fiddle-de-dee of the Wooden Soldier.
"One-and-Nine, Your Honour," replied he, saluting respectfully.
"Rubbish, I didn't ask your price," said the Lord High Fiddle-de-deeimpatiently. "I want to know your name."
"One-and-Nine, Your Honour," repeated the Wooden Soldier.
The Lord High Fiddle-de-dee stared at him for a moment, and then turnedto M.D. and said, "Is this man a little----and he tapped his foreheadinquiringly.
"Yes; softening of the grain," replied the M.D., nodding.
"Ah, I thought so," remarked the Lord High Fiddle-de-dee. "Never mind,bring him along; even lunatics can vote here, you know," and linking hisarm in that of the M.D. they proceeded down the street, followed by Boyand One-and-Nine.
"He is a person of great dignitude, evidently," whispered the WoodenSoldier, who was apparently greatly impressed by the Lord HighFiddle-de-dee's aristocratic bearing. "And although he is ratherabrupteous in his manner, I think I admirationise him, don't you?"
"Yes. He seems to be a very nice gentleman," agreed Boy. "I wonder whatwe shall see and hear at the House of Words? Oh! I suppose this is it,"he continued, as they turned a corner, and an imposing-looking buildingsurrounded by an excited crowd of people came in sight.
The Lord High Fiddle-de-dee seemed to be a very well-known personage,and the crowd respectfully divided and allowed them to pass through tothe entrance of the building, where an attendant opened the door andshowed them along a corrider to another door marked Committee Room,which the Lord High Fiddle-de-dee opened and they all passed in.
A number of grandly dressed individuals were walking about, or chattingin little groups as they entered.
"Oh! here comes the Lord High Fiddle-de-dee," cried some one directlythey were inside the door. "Any news?" he inquired anxiously.
The Lord High Fiddle-de-dee shook his head sadly.
"Well, we are all here now, so we had better proceed to business; takeyour seats, please, gentlemen," said a very important-looking gentlemanin a red gown and wig, seated at the head of a long table on which werepens and paper arranged neatly before each chair.
"Members of the Committee will please take their seats in the followingorder of precedence," drawled a melancholy voice from a desk at thefurther end of the room, where a worried-looking little old man, in avery rusty black gown, and who wore enormous green goggles, sat with alarge book open before him, and a quill pen stuck behind his ear:--
"The King's Exaggerator," he called out;
"The Lord High Fiddle-de-dee;
"The First Lord of the Cash Box;
"The Advertiser General;
"The Minister of Experiments;
"The Public Persecutor;
"The Busybody Extraordinary;
"The Gentleman of the Glove Box;
"The First Groom of the Boot Brushes;
"The Kitchen Poker in Waiting; and
"His Insignificance the Court Poet.
"Other persons to sit-where they can."
As each one of these names was called out one of the gentlemen sat down,so that Boy was able to tell exactly who they were; and as all the seatsat the table were now occupied, the M.D., One-and-Nine, and Boy foundseats against the wall near the Clerk who had called out the names.
As soon as they were seated, the old gentleman got out of his box andshuffled forward with some paper, a pot of ink and some pens. These heput into Boy's hands and muttered something about "fetching a table."
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"What are these for?" inquired Boy.
"Paper for your impressions," drawled the Clerk. "I suppose you have cometo report this meeting, haven't you?"
"No, indeed I haven't!" said Boy in alarm.
"Dear me! What have you come for then?" asked the old Clerk in an amazedvoice.
"Hush! hush!" called out some one, "His Importance is about to speak,"and the old Clerk hobbled back to his seat, looking more worried thanever, while the gentleman seated at the head of the table, and who Boyfound was called The Lord High Adjudicator, arose and made the followingspeech:--
"Gentlemen, we are met for the purpose of discussing the grave situationcaused by the extraordinary absence of His Serene Importance the CrownPrince of Zum----"
"Hereditary Grand Duke of Grumbleberry Plumbhop, Knight of the Orderof----" began the King's Exaggerator, when he was interrupted by thePublic Persecutor, who inquired,--
"What's the use of all that, when there is no one but us to hear you?"
"I must perform my official duties," remarked the King's Exaggerator.
"You can have no official duties now that there is no King and thePrince has disappeared," objected the Public Persecutor.
"Gentlemen, gentlemen, pray don't argue," interrupted the Lord HighAdjudicator, "or we shall waste all day in discussion. If the King'sExaggerator wishes to do a little exaggerating on his own account, Iam sure no one will object, but he must do it outside and not here; andnow, in order that you may understand it all more clearly, I will callupon His Insignificance the Court Poet to read us 'The Cause of Dismay.'"
The Court Poet, who was a very curious-looking man, was dressed in atightly-fitting velvet costume with a deep lace collar, and wore hishair very long. He had most prominent eyes, which he rolled about ina grotesque way as he spoke. When thus called upon he arose, andtragically clutching his hair with one hand, he waved the other aboutfrantically, while he began in a shrill voice:--
THE CAUSE OF DISMAY.
``"Oh, men of Zum, what shall we do?
```Our King has no successor;
``The Prince has vanished from our view,
```And--and-"=
"Well, go on!" shouted several voices.
``"vanished from our view,
```And--and----"=
repeated the Court Poet, turning very pale.
"Why don't you proceed?" inquired the Lord High Adjudicator.
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"I'm afraid I can't find a rhyme for successor," admitted the CourtPoet, looking greatly confused.
"Dear me! this is the second time this week you have failed in yourrhyming," exclaimed the Lord High Adjudicator impatiently. "It's mostannoying."
"It's unbearable," declared the Public Persecutor.
"If he can't do his work properly, we had better reduce his salary,"suggested the Busybody Extraordinary.
"Hear, hear!" shouted several voices at once.
"Oh, please don't!" pleaded the Court Poet. "My stipend is very small asit is."
"Six pounds a year is a great deal more than you are worth!" declaredthe First Lord of the Cash Box emphatically.
"So it is, so it is!" agreed the rest of the Committee.
The poor Court Poet looked very crestfallen, while the two gentlemensitting near him frowned at him severely, the Kitch
en Poker in Waitinglooking particularly disgusted.
"Ahem! I should like to suggest," said the Minister of Experiments,coughing importantly and standing up to address the meeting, "thatinstead of reducing his salary we should reduce his title, and that,instead of his being known as His Insignificance the Court Poet,he should in future be called His Absolute Nothingness the PublicRhymester."
This proposal seemed to find favour with the whole company, and, beingput to the vote, was carried unanimously; and His Absolute Nothingnessthe Public Rhymester was told to sit down, which he did very meekly,looking half inclined to burst into tears.
"Now then," said the Lord Chief Adjudicator when this was all over, "wereally must get to business; and as the Public Rhymester is not capableof setting forth 'The Cause of Dismay' in verse, as is the custom here,I must try and explain to you in prose. The facts, as you are aware, areas follows: Our late Sovereign, King Robert the Twentieth----Kingof Zum and Emperor of----" began the King's Exaggerator, evidentlyintending to enumerate all of the late King's titles; but he wasforcibly prevented from doing so by the two gentlemen sitting next tohim, one of whom held him down, while the other tied a handkerchieftightly over his mouth.
The Lord High Adjudicator nodded approval and proceeded.
"Our late Sovereign, King Robert the Twentieth, being deceased, and theCrown Prince having mysteriously disappeared some five years since, andthere being no legal successor to the throne, what are we to do fora King? As you are aware, this land has always been governedby a hereditary absolute Monarchy, and His latenever-to-be-sufficiently-lamented Majesty left absolutely no relationswhatever; what are we to do about the government of the country? That isthe question, gentlemen, which we have met here to discuss to-day."
Almost before the Lord High Adjudicator had finished, every member ofthe Committee got up excitedly and began to unfold his own particularplan for the government of the land, each trying to drown the other'svoice. The noise was deafening, and the poor old Clerk was so alarmedat the uproar, that he collapsed into his box and was found after themeeting still sitting on the floor with his fingers pressed to his earsand trembling with fright.
For some time the utmost confusion reigned, but at last the Lord HighAdjudicator stood up in his chair and motioned them all to sit down,which, after a time, they did.
"Gentlemen, gentlemen, this is disgraceful!" cried the Lord HighAdjudicator when order was somewhat restored. "We shall never get on atthis rate. Now, one at a time, please."
The Busybody Extraordinary at once got up and began as follows:--
"I have been preparing a little scheme for the government of Zum, whichis bound, I think, to meet with the approval of every one here--it isso delightfully simple, and at the same time so effective. There is noKing. Very good, _we_ will govern the land; we will form ourselves intoa Council for the management of everybody's business in the kingdom,with the power to take over all property, public and private, havecontrol of everything and everybody in the land. Think what a benefitit would be to the Public not to have to worry about anything at all,simply to do as we told them, and think how delightful it would be forus!"
"But would the Public agree to all this?" inquired the Lord HighFiddle-de-dee dubiously.
"The Public," said the Busybody Extraordinary contemptuously, "will dojust whatever we wish it to. It may grumble a little at first, but itwill do it all the same."
"But what shall we be called?" asked the Public Persecutor, who seemedgreatly interested in the scheme.
"Well, I was going to propose that we should call ourselves PublicCouncillors," replied the Busybody Extraordinary. "Of course, we shouldhave to give up our present Official Titles and simply use our ordinarynames with the letters P.C. added. Thus I should be known as EbenezerSmith, P.C., and you would be Sir Peter Grumble, P.C., and so on."
"But how would it be possible to manage everybody's affairs?" inquiredanother.
"My dear sir," replied the Busybody Extraordinary, "that is the greatpoint of the whole system--it is as easy as A.B.C. We should of coursebegin by commanding that _nothing whatever should be done without oursanction;_ that would simplify matters to start with. Then we shouldturn our attention to public improvements; for instance, we should beginby pulling down this building and erect for our use some fine MunicipalBuildings on a very large and handsome scale, with portraits ofourselves painted on all the windows."
"But who would pay for them?" objected the First Lord of the Cash Box.
"The Public, of course," said the Busybody Extraordinary. "What a sillyquestion!"
"But supposing they refused?" persisted the First Lord of the Cash Box.
"The Public refuse to pay rates and taxes?" exclaimed the BusybodyExtraordinary. "Who ever heard of such a thing? Really, my dear sir, youare most childish in your remarks. Then," he continued, "we should pulldown all those buildings opposite and make a wide, handsome road, withtrees on either side, with a large park at the end of it, beautifullylaid out with lakes, etc., where we could drive in the afternoon. Ofcourse, it would have to be railed in or we should have the Publictrespassing in it."
"Wouldn't the Public expect to be allowed to use the park if they paidfor all these improvements?" asked the Advertiser General.
"But they mustn't expect anything of the sort," said the BusybodyExtraordinary impatiently. "The Public must be taught not to questionanything that we do. It will never do for us to be hampered by merePublic opinion, you know; besides, they would not have time to use thepark if they wanted to, because they would all be at school."
"But not grown-up people, surely!" exclaimed the First Gentleman of theGlove Box.
"Why not?" retorted the Busybody Extraordinary. "It will keep them outof mischief, and I am sure some grown-up people require to go to schoolquite as much as the youngsters. The gymnastic exercises will be so goodfor them, too--especially the old ones. Why, I have known some old menof eighty, or even ninety, who positively didn't know how to turn asomersault. Such ignorance is absolutely appalling. And you mustbe aware that at the present time not more than one-third of theservant-girls of Zum can play the piano. We can't allow this sort ofthing to go on, you know. Then there is too much liberty allowed thePublic in the matter of pleasures and entertainments; an occasionaltea-party or a spelling-bee ought to satisfy any reasonable Public,and we could insist that in the case of tea-parties a plan of the houseshould be sent us, and a list of all the invited guests submitted forour approval with their certificates of birth and vaccination. In thisway we should gradually get the Public completely under our control,and would hear no more of such nonsense as their presuming to objectto anything we chose to do." And the Busybody Extraordinary sat downtriumphantly, but somewhat breathless, after this long speech.
"H'm! there seems to be a great deal to be said in favour of hisscheme," said the Lord High Adjudicator thoughtfully.
"A most brilliant proposal," agreed the Public Persecutorenthusiastically.
"There is only one thing," said the Kitchen Poker in Waiting, gettingup and addressing the Meeting generally, "that I should like to suggest,and that is, that instead of this proposed Public Council a King shouldbe elected from our number, and although I don't wish to boast, I feelsure that there is no one in the entire assembly who would fill theposition more ably and with greater dignity than myself."
"It's like your cheek!" exclaimed the First Groom of the Boot Brushes."I should think if any one is elected King I ought to stand before you."
There was evidently going to be a squabble unless the Lord HighAdjudicator interfered, and he had just arisen in his seat for thatpurpose when there was a knock at the door, and an attendant entered.
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"Av ye plaze, yer honours, there's a woman and a bit of a child wantingto see yer honours on a mather of importance," he said.
"What nonsense!" exclaimed the Lord High Adjudicator. "Tell the womanthat we are engaged."
"I did, yer honour," exclaimed the attendant, "and she would
n't take theanswer, but told me to bring yez this bit of a letter."
The Lord High Adjudicator took the note which the attendant handed him,and after reading a few lines jumped up excitedly.
"Show her in at once," he cried; and when the attendant had gone out ofthe room he announced, in a voice trembling with excitement: "She saysthat she has news of the Crown Prince."