Seeking Refuge

by Alana Terry

  Joe leaned closer, squeezing her hand a little. “I don’t understand. You don’t seem like the kind of person who would have had a need for that kind of attention.”

  “Well, I’m older now. Then—it was simple rebellion. I was still so angry with Mom that I traded my self-respect for a chance to get back at her.”

  “Oh, Lex...” Joe hated that she could probably hear the gruffness in his voice as he suppressed the pain her words caused. Kids did such frightening things to prove their strength.

  “I know... I have paid for it every day of my life that I’ve allowed myself to think of it. Mom, of course, doesn’t let me forget it. And now, we’ve learned my sister will never have children—some endometrial thing.”

  “So, you really can’t have children, can you?”

  “No, Joe,” she said, smiling at him. He felt ridiculous once he heard his own question. “They don’t do uterine implants.”

  “But you could adopt, right?” Desperate to cover his gaffe, he added, “You’ll find the right guy, marry, adopt children—”

  “You don’t have to try to make me come to terms with it. I’ve lived with it for fifteen years.”

  “Sorry. But really, adoption—”

  “I don’t have a desire for children, Joe. I don’t know if I never did or if God took it away that day, but I’m not grieving for a life that could have been. I’m happy with the one I have.”

  As she spoke, he realized she meant it. They weren’t the words of someone who resigned herself to her fate. She truly didn’t wish for what she couldn’t have. “You do have a good life, but isn’t it lonely sometimes?”

  “Of course... Sometimes I think I’d like to marry—you know, have someone there to talk to, but it’d have to be someone who was comfortable being alone a lot. I couldn’t be a choke-chain wife.”

  The words sounded even worse coming from her. “Alexa...”

  “You’re right. That wasn’t fair. It’s just I’ve led a very independent life. I come and go as I please. I spend what I want to do what I want—I even eat what I want. I answer only to the Lord for my conduct.” She stared at the remnants of her tissue. “I’ve seen beautiful marriages that encourage and impress me...”

  “But?” Joe knew what she’d say next.

  “I don’t want to give up what I have, and I’ve never met a man who would be happy to marry me for who I am today.”

  “How ironic.”

  Alexa raised one—well he could only see one—eyebrow. “How’s that?”

  “Well, most men I know complain that women get married expecting to change them into someone else.”

  “Like the line from Guys and Dolls, ‘—cut and make into the way everyone is wearing husbands this year’ or something like that.”

  “Exactly. It’s a good line.” Joe made a mental note to torture himself with the musical.

  “Well, then you understand what I mean. If I ever meet someone who likes me the way I am, jaunts to anywhere I feel like and all, then who knows? Until then, I’ll be the eccentric ‘spinster’ who lives vicariously through her characters in a macabre world of murder and vice.”

  Joe laughed, but the word spinster rankled. It sounded cold and austere—not at all like the kind of descriptor a woman like Alexa should have. Before he could comment, Jeremy and Lorie breezed into the room as though the night had just begun.

  Lorie chattered about the slow ascent into modern music while she kicked off her shoes and pulled the pins from her hair. “This thing is driving me crazy. How do you wear yours up—wait, wasn’t it up earlier?”

  Alexa nodded. “They didn’t use enough pins. Had to take it down.”

  Joe and Alexa exchanged amused glances as Jeremy watched, fascinated, while Lorie pulled dozens of pins from her upswept hair, allowing it to cascade down her back, free at last. He gawked and said, “I didn’t realize you had so much hair! I just thought you or a stylist or someone made it look all fat like that.”

  “And on that note,” Joe said, snickering with the others, “it’s time for me to remove him from civilized society again. He’s clearly overstayed his ability to conform.” Despite Jeremy’s fumbling attempts to explain, and as he dug himself into a deeper and even more embarrassing hole, Joe shoved his brother from the room.

  Alexa’s eyebrows rose as she heard Jeremy call out before the door closed, “I’ll see you at breakfast!”

  Chapter 22

  WHILE ALEXA SHOWERED and dressed for the day, Lorie called her father to tell him about her night. After she shared about the dances, the conversations, and the charming way Jeremy tended to say all the wrong things when he tried to say all the right things, she remembered something. “Oh, and Daddy, remember last week when we were talking about Alexa having her own family someday?”

  “Mmm hmm...”

  “Well, I overheard part of her conversation with Joe last night. She can’t have children and doesn’t want to. If she ever gets married, she wants someone who can accept her as she lives now.” A slow smile crept over her lips as she heard her father’s movements quiet as he listened. “Isn’t that interesting? It is so ‘her’ and yet, I’ve never met anyone like her.”

  Lorie knew exactly where her words would take her father’s mind. He’d been more transparent about his interest in Alexa than he thought he showed. Before their introduction to Alexa Hartfield, she would have resisted the idea of her father with any other woman but her mother. Now, she wasn’t so sure it would be such a bad thing.

  Darrin shifted the conversation to Jeremy that lasted until she heard a knock at the door. “Oh, I think he’s here. They promised to come get us and then take us to their house for breakfast.”

  With the phone abandoned on the bed, Lorie rushed to answer the door. She’d expected awkwardness but it never materialized. Jeremy chatted with her about the drive home, the preparations for breakfast, and Joe’s famous biscuits. “We don’t know what he does to them, but they’re the best things you’ve ever had. Just don’t let him cook you anything else.”

  Alexa stepped from the bathroom, ready to leave. Lorie gasped. “I love that! It looks so comfortable.”

  “Is that the one that Joe mentioned—green and kind of medieval?”

  “Probably.” Alexa grabbed her cloak and a drawstring purse. “Everyone ready?”

  “You didn’t have to dress up,” Jeremy murmured apologetically. “We’re pretty casual...”

  A jab from Lorie failed to produce the silence she tried to instill. “Of course, it looks great. I didn’t—”

  Another jab silenced him. Alexa smiled and pulled her cloak over her shoulders. “Are you ready?”

  JOE TOOK HIS EYES OFF his biscuits long enough to introduce Alexa and Lorie to his mother, noting how at ease she seemed. His mother fussed over Lorie, eventually putting her to work slicing fruit. While Jeremy introduced her to the rest of the family, he watched his biscuits, daring the oven to burn his hard work.

  Lorie seemed a bit overwhelmed by the constant chatter at the breakfast table, but Alexa appeared comfortable enough. However, Joe choked when the family harassed him about keeping his girlfriend a secret. He started to protest, but a slight shake of her head stopped him.

  Jeremy and Lorie spent the rest of the morning in the Freidan basement with Joe’s sister Jocelyn, while John, Jeanette, Joe, and Alexa chatted about Fairbury, Alexa’s writing, and Joe’s job. The Js had never been an issue for him, but the way Alexa occasionally stuttered over which name she wanted, made him realize just how odd it might be to someone who didn’t grow up with it.

  After several minutes of his mother hinting about getting an autograph on one of her books, Joe retrieved the stack of books and carried them to her. “Mom would like you to autograph these for her.”

  Jeanette protested, visibly embarrassed, but Alexa brushed it aside and curled into the corner of the couch. In each book, she scribbled a personalized message to a different family member. Jeanette, still mortified at Joe’s forthr
ightness, apologized for having to leave soon. “If we’d have known the boys were going to bring guests—”

  “Don’t give it another thought, Jeanette. I’m just happy to have met you. If Joe and Jeremy should go with you, Lorie and I can get a cab back to the city.”

  Once his parents climbed the stairs to get ready to go, Joe sighed. “I’m really sorry. I didn’t realize they’d assume we were dating!”

  “I didn’t realize I was quite that much of an embarrassment.

  “That’s not what I meant!” He groaned. “Never duel with a word swordswoman.”

  “Maybe my clothing is the embarrassment.”

  Joe’s eyebrows rose as he considered whether it was a compliment fishing expedition. He’d noticed her choice of dress and appreciated it. While not as casual as his family, and definitely inspired by medieval clothing, it had a more modern edge to it than what she usually wore. Before he could comment, she continued.

  “Jeremy didn’t quite know what to do with me this morning. I thought maybe it was kind of awkward for him, and therefore maybe for you.”

  Joe shook his head. “You know I like that dress. My parents—and my sister too—are well aware of your dressing habits.” He glanced over his shoulder to make sure that no one could hear him. “When I come home, they usually ask about you first—did I see you, what you’re really like, and what is it like to live in the same town with the great Alexa Hartfield? Now that I know you a little better than a casual glance at church or driving past to be sure you made it home after dark, I thought I’d have something to tell them this time. You just made that so much easier, for which I am grateful. I don’t have to say, ‘Well, she was wearing a dress the other day—long. Had flowers on it’ and hope that satisfies Mom and Jocie.”

  “Do my security calls bother the officers?”

  “Are you kidding? It gives us something to do!” At her skeptical expression, he continued, determined to make her understand how nice it was to have an excuse not to circle the town square—again. “I’m serious. You have no idea how boring it is to drive around town in a car all night.” The minute he spoke, he knew what she would ask.

  “If you find it so dull, why did you choose a place like Fairbury?”

  Joe kicked off his shoes and relaxed, propping his stocking feet on the coffee table. “It sounds crazy, but I want to make a difference in the lives of the kids there. I want to stop crime at the roots rather than put out fires. I chose Fairbury because a town like ours is tempting to Rockland—we’re an almost untapped drug market. It’s just a matter of time.”

  “Why not go to Rockland and try to turn around those criminals?”

  “That’s not my forte,” Joe said. Most people didn’t get him, but he really did appreciate that she tried. “My talents lie best with those who haven’t become immune to sin. Some people can get through to those guys—I can’t. I don’t have the patience for stupidity, but that works in my favor with kids who haven’t gone downhill yet.”

  “But how?”

  He shrugged. “Kids like Zach and Sarah—Hunter and the youth group at First Church—I gain their trust. They listen and come to me with problems, and I can show them how to keep the drugs out and how to stay out of trouble. So far, it’s working.”

  “At first, I thought you didn’t like children, but when I saw you with Sarah, I knew you must.”

  Bewildered, Joe asked, “Why would you think I don’t like children?”

  “You said something about Shannon wanting a family and you not being able to give her one and took it to mean you didn’t like children. Wrong assumption, obviously.”

  Joe shook his head. “No, not that at all. I really like kids, which is exactly why I don’t intend to have any. I see the effects that absent parents have on kids, and I won’t do it.”

  “Absent—”

  “Teen girls look to any guy slick enough to tell them what they want to hear. Guys look for someone to show them respect and tell them they’re ‘cool.’ I’m not going to have children of my own and abandon them while I’m out trying to rescue everyone else’s kids.”

  The conversation, so familiar and yet so different, seemed to compel her to ask the question he knew was coming. It cut to see her struggle. “What do your parents think of that?”

  He nudged her knee with his foot. “They’re ok with it. I know they’d love to have grandchildren, but they have other kids, and they agree that the decision is the right one.”

  “Cops shouldn’t have kids?”

  He laughed. “No, this cop shouldn’t. I get intense. I’m kind of a workaholic. If a wife didn’t leave me, she’d feel abandoned and my kids would be like preacher’s kids who run wild while their dad is out trying to convert everyone else’s. I’m not doing it.”

  “We’re scary alike in that respect,” she murmured.

  Joe started to respond, but his parents came downstairs, calling for Jocelyn. As they said their goodbyes, Jeanette thanked Alexa profusely for the autographs and promised to read them when she got home. John teased her about keeping his son in line back in Fairbury, and Jocelyn asked if she could tell her friends about the movie deal on Alexa’s latest book and hinted that she planned to share his new dating status. By the time they left, Joe wanted to scream, “She’s not my girlfriend!”

  “Unless it offends or bothers you, Joe, don’t worry about it. If it makes them happy to assume we’re romantically involved, it’s not going to hurt me.”

  “But—if news got out...”

  “Look, I’m not going to lie to them, but the more you protest, the more they’re going to think you’re protesting ‘too much’ a la Shakespeare. So, if you can take it, let it go. It’ll die if you don’t make a big deal out of it.”

  Joe couldn’t answer. A squeal and the thunder of footfalls racing up the basement steps stopped his thoughts. Lorie burst through the door and tried to lock it. The sounds of approaching steps made her abandon that idea and she dove behind the couch.

  “Can he see me back here?”

  “What did you do?” Alexa glanced around, trying to see a better hiding place, but Jeremy burst through the door laughing and growling about something.

  Joe chuckled and pointed down the hall toward the garage. Jeremy didn’t hesitate. He dashed away before Alexa’s eyes could betray her. “You lied to him.”

  “It’s allowed in this house. Hide and seek, Christmas, birthdays, and in Malarkey, you can say anything and get away with it.” Joe talked fast as he pulled Lorie from behind the couch and pointed upstairs. “In Mom’s closet, behind the guitar case—I think you’ll fit and he’ll never find you.”

  “Malarkey?”

  Joe laughed. “It’s our name for a popular card game with an inappropriate name for children’s ears.”

  Before Alexa could reply, Jeremy came back from the garage, panting. “I’ll get you for that one.” He glanced at Alexa. She sighed and pointed upstairs. Jeremy paused long enough to see Joe kick her before dashing up the stairs.

  Joe glared at her. “Why did you tell him?”

  “You said he wouldn’t see her. He’ll think I was lying too. He won’t look as hard as he might have.” Alexa smirked at Joe’s groan. “I just call ‘em like I see ‘em.”

  After fifteen minutes of searching, half of that on the first floor, Jeremy heard a toilet flush upstairs and raced to catch Lorie before she could exit his parents’ bathroom. Joe and Alexa heard a squeal before Jeremy skipped downstairs carrying Lorie over one shoulder. He plopped her in a chair and smirked. “That’ll teach her.”

  Alexa grinned. “What happened?”

  “He just got a little heated when he lost a few games, so I tried to cool him off like any decent person would.”

  Joe chortled. “Ice cube down his shirt? I’m surprised there were any left.”

  Lorie looked triumphant. “There was frost on a package of meat. I chipped it off.”

  Joe grinned, waggling his eyebrows at Alexa. “I like how this o
ne thinks.”

  Chapter 23

  ALEXA HUGGED LORIE and Darrin goodbye at the entrance through security. “I had a wonderful time,” she assured them. “Thank you both for sharing your New Year’s with me.”

  “Thank us? You flew here, bought me that gorgeous dress, took me to the spa, introduced me to Jeremy—”

  “She gets the picture, Lorie.” Darren silenced his daughter with a smile. “We’re glad you came. I’m sorry we didn’t get a chance just to talk.” He held Alexa’s gaze for a moment before adding, “I have to do a training seminar in Rockland in February. Maybe I can drive to Fairbury and we can have dinner or something?”

  Alexa laid her hand on his arm, smiling up at him. “I’d like that. Thank you for sharing your daughter with me. I had a wonderful time.”

  By the time she was seated and comfortable, Alexa was ready to be home. Wes waited for her, and she was anxious to speak to Heather and see for herself that her neighbor was all right. Unconsciously, her hands pulled on the armrests as if trying to force the plane to take off.

  “You can’t make it go faster by sheer willpower.”

  She whipped her head to one side, and stared at the man in the seat nearby. “Joe! What are you doing here?”

  “When I found out we were on the same flight, I asked what it would cost to do an upgrade. They were going to bump someone into first-class so they gave me the seat since I was asking about upgrading.” Joe winked. “Letting my badge flop onto the counter didn’t hurt either.”

  “There are perks to being an officer.”

  Joe stroked the arms of his seat and adjusted his pillow. “I’d say you know something about perks.”

  Alexa smiled at a flight attendant who brought her a steaming cup of hot coffee. “Can you get him one stuffed with cream and sugar? Make it coffee flavored sweet milk and you’ll get it just right.”

  Joe growled at her. “If you weren’t holding that stuff, I’d poke you.”