Seeking Refuge

by Alana Terry

  “That’s because our attraction to one another outweighs our trust in each other. I’m interested in balancing the scales. I think if we get to know each other better, we can learn to trust each other and that trust will dispel the fear.”

  “What if we can’t make this work?” she asked, staring at her hands.

  “I can’t guarantee that this will last. That’s what hope is for.” He touched her chin with his forefinger, guiding her face toward his. “I can’t make you want this, Shauna, and I can’t be invested more than you, but I’m willing to do what I can to make you feel secure about us.

  She watched his face and wanted to fight against the allure of a relationship with him had over her. She wasn’t sure she was ready, but oh how she wanted to try. He made it sound so easy. Even now, he waited patiently for her answer. He didn’t push. He just told her how he felt.

  “Okay.” She nodded. “I want this. I want to try.” His face lit up like Christmas. He let go of her face and pulled her into a hug that enveloped her in warmth.

  “Are you sure?” he whispered next to her ear.

  “Yes,” she responded without hesitancy.

  With a squeeze, he let her go. “I have a three o’clock session, but I’d like to have you and Michael over for dinner around five thirty p.m., if that’s all right?”

  She nodded before she could form the words.

  “Thank you.” He leaned forward and slowly wrapped his hand around the back of her head. He brought his lips to her forehead and lingered. She felt it to her soul and sighed.

  Chapter 18

  ZACH WAITED FOR SEBASTIAN to scramble up the porch steps and through the door. “I need you to be on your best behavior this evening,” he said to Bass as he closed the door and walked to the kitchenette with the bags. His place wasn’t conducive to cooking any kind of meal so he sweet-talked Betsy from the cafeteria into giving him some containers of food. He’d bought a set of glasses at a yard sale the month before, just to encourage the boy whose mother was helping him raise money for a pair of cleats. He loved it when a two-way blessing made itself known so clearly.

  He took his tablecloth out of the bottom of his linen closet and spread it over the multipurpose table in the dining room. He set the table and stood back to look at it. It left a lot to be desired, but he was never good with decorations. He’d made so many changes over the last week, he wouldn’t be surprised if people started wondering if he was an imposter.

  He went over the conversations he’d had with Shauna earlier that day again. He whispered a prayer of peace for her. It hadn’t been too long since he’d been in her place. He’d been a slave to his emotions swinging to and fro with each thought for so long, allowing himself to be consumed by regret and guilt. Now the thought of him going through that again made him shudder. He prayed there was something he could say that would put her on the path to discovering true peace and give her insight into how to silence the voices in her head.

  Sebastian’s whine pulled him out of his musings. He looked and listened for something he should be alerted to but when he looked down, he just found Bass staring expectantly at him. “The food making you hungry? Well, I can feed you now, but if you start begging Shauna for some of her food, I’m putting you out.”

  The dog’s ears perked at the sound of Shauna’s name and Zach wanted to shake his head, but what could he really say when the sound of her name did the same for him?

  Once he was confident that he’d done everything he could do with the meager supplies in his cabin, he decided to take a shower and get rid of the five o’clock shadow he’d been sporting for a few days. As excited as he was about sharing a meal and time with Shauna, he was wary of Michael’s reaction to his developing relationship with her. He didn’t have all the answers just yet. He knew he didn’t see himself leaving the life of the ranch, but he did have enough saved for a home in the area. He stopped those wayward thoughts before they took root. It was still too early to consider such drastic changes.

  He was walking through the door to his bedroom and down the hall when he heard a knock on the door. Sebastian beat him to it, his tail wagging fast enough to feel like a whip against Zach’s leg. “If you don’t move, I can’t open the door.” He reached for the knob and pulled the door back, causing Bass to retreat behind. He was surprised to see Michael standing in front of the door with Shauna off to his side.

  “Good evening.” He tried to be as cordial as possible, but he failed to keep the question out of his voice.

  “Is there someone else in here with you?” Michael asked, his stance making Zach immediately wary.

  “No, just Bass and me.” He watched Michael visibly relax and step forward at his prompting. Once Michael passed, Shauna stepped in front of him with a shy smile. It had only been a few hours but he could swear she was lovelier. “Good evening,” he said, knowing his thoughts were in his eyes.

  “Hi. Thank you again for inviting us to dinner.” She smirked hard enough to the left to flash a dimple at him. “Sorry about him. He’s been on edge for a few days and it seems to be escalating.”

  He reached out, squeezing her hand; he couldn’t deny touching her anymore. “Give him some slack. He has a very important job. He has to keep you safe.” She looked away and he knew he’d embarrassed her. “Would you like me to take your coat?” She turned, allowing him to strip the heavier black coat from her shoulders. He caught a whiff of her scent and had to stop himself from leaning forward and smelling her hair. When she turned back around, he rubbed the area over his chest in a subconscious manner. She was so arrestingly beautiful in her white blouse with diaphanous sleeves and opaque collar and cuffs. The rest disappeared behind a low-cut black vest that met a voluminous black skirt that flowed around her knees. He had no words for what the sight of her did to him. He rested his hand over his heart and just looked at her for a moment.

  She must’ve gotten tired of blushing because she pushed against one of his shoulders and pulled against the other, turning him away from her and pushing him through the small entry hall. She bent down and gave Sebastian a scratch behind the ears. He watched in envy as Sebastian closed his eyes and enjoyed the attention. When she finished, she stood and looked at him expectantly. “Didn’t you say something about food? Will you show me where I can wash my hands, then please feed me.”

  “It would be my pleasure.”

  Dinner was nice. He didn’t know a person could miss having female companionship at the dinner table. The conversation went a lot differently than it normally went with Sebastian, even when he filled in what his dog would’ve said given his expressions.

  He was almost sure it had more to do with her profession rather than her gender. They talked about energy, clean and otherwise as well as her specific job description. If he was impressed by her intelligence before, he was blown away by the reality of her and how she utilized that intellect. At one point, she spoke a full sentence without him understanding one word. When she stopped and looked at both him and Michael expectantly and they looked back at her with what she knew were looks of confusion, she laughed.

  “Sorry. I’m used to talking to Maddison.”

  “Maddison?” That made him wonder what her friends were like and just how much of a vacation she was on. Did she leave more than just her friends? He hadn’t thought of the possibility until just now.

  “She’s my coworker and a good friend. She’s my partner in crime.” Shauna smiled bright enough to show off both her dimples. “She has a crush on Michael,” she said with a giggle, catching Michael in mid-chew. She watched as he struggled to keep his composure but couldn’t resist a cough.

  Zach felt like he’d just arrived in the middle of a joke. “Is that not a good thing?”

  Shauna turned to him, obviously having a laugh at Michael’s expense. “Maddison is larger than life,” Shauna said.

  “Aggressive,” Michael said, adding to Shauna’s statement. Zach could now feel Michael’s discomfort and found it equaled the p
laying ground.

  “Besides, Michael has his own interest,” she said with a sly smile. Michael just seemed to grow more and more interested in his wild rice.

  “I’ve been trying to encourage him to bring her here for a mini vacation, but he’s being stubborn.”

  “I’m not being stubborn. I just refuse to discuss my personal life with you,” Michael said, never lifting his gaze from his plate.

  “He’s dating my cousin.” Shauna stage-whispered to Zach. He couldn’t help but be amused and relieved by their sibling-like antics.

  “What about you, Shauna?” He figured he should just get it out there since the environment was light.

  The smile was replaced by confusion. “What do you mean?”

  “Any crushes, admirers, casual dating?”

  She stared at him and he saw the hurt pass through her eyes. “Nope, no and nay,” she replied lightly. He had to give it to her. She schooled her features well.

  “Good. I wouldn’t like to think that I infringed upon some poor soul’s fantasy of you.” He wiggled his eyebrows to show he’d meant no ill intent. He saw the moment her shoulders relaxed and quietly sighed in relief.

  He chanced a glance at Michael and the man gave him a look that said, “What’s your problem? Do you want to get hit with a glass?” He shrugged his shoulders infinitesimally to keep Shauna from noticing.

  The rest of dinner continued without incident and when Zach asked if they wanted to stay and play a game of Scrabble, both agreed. What he didn’t expect was for Michael to wipe the board with both of them. Shauna held her own at first, but Michael had an innate sense about which words would bring the most points on the board. After two games, Zach was woefully behind and Shauna was doing only a little better.

  When Michael was pulled away by a call, he almost heaved a sigh of relief. Shauna saw his expression and laughed. “I know. He doesn’t know the word mercy. We used to play games all the time when he was part of my security detail many years ago. It didn’t matter what we played, he beat the socks off me. I think his family just sat around playing board games when he was a kid.” Zach laughed.

  “And you? What did you and your family do to entertain yourselves when you were young?”

  “We didn’t do much. I was almost like the ‘oops baby.’ I came along just at the edge of my parents’ baby-making years. I’m eight years younger than my brother and five years younger than my sister, so it felt more like I was an only child. I read a lot. You don’t need another person to escape to another world.”

  Zach thought about her answer. “Were you lonely?”

  She shrugged, but he could tell by the dimness in her smile that she had been and that it had truly bothered her.

  “Are you lonely now?”

  She seemed startled by his question, then thoughtful.

  “I don’t think I have enough time to get lonely. Maybe I keep long hours and volunteer for overtime because I’d rather do that than be alone.”

  He thought about her answer for a moment. “What about when you were dating? Did you work the same number of hours?”

  Shauna hesitated for a moment. “Yes,” she said softly, as if he’d just illuminated a thought she’d been seeking clarity for.

  “What about you?” She turned to him and he felt unease settle on his shoulders.

  “What do you mean?”

  “How was your childhood?”

  “It had its good and bad moments,” he hedged.

  “You do know the more evasive you are, the more curious I get.” She wiggled eyebrows at him and he found that he adored this more playful side of her. He wanted to see more of it.

  “My parents and I lived on the less desirable side of Chandlerville. Actually, it was just east of the small town, but no one really paid attention to the boundaries to the east. I went to school at the one K-12 school in the county. I didn’t know we were struggling or that I had any less than other kid. I woke to my mom’s voice telling me I was a prince. I went to school with food in my lunch box, and I came home to her hugs and a hot meal until a couple weeks after my twelfth birthday.” He took a breath to dispel the tension that climbed his spine whenever he talked about his childhood. He avoided looking at Shauna; the last thing he wanted to see was pity for the young boy who’d beaten the odds. He told her about his mother’s abandonment and his father’s penchant for hard liquor. He skimmed over those first few hard months when the world infringed upon his childhood, causing him to grow up sooner than he would’ve liked. He talked about his scholarship to NYU and the day he said goodbye to his dad.

  “There wasn’t much to it. I came home from graduation and went into my room to retrieve my packed duffel. I hadn’t taken it with me because I didn’t have a car and I didn’t want all the questions.” He waved his hand. “Anyway, my dad was sleeping off his drunken binge from the night before. I was placing a note with some money on his nightstand when he stirred. He awoke and looked at me. He just looked at me, his eyes growing clearer by the second. He never said a word, not that there was much to say. He watched me set the note next to the lamp and just stared at me until I reached the door. I paused and told him bye, but he still said nothing. I turned, walked back through the trailer, picked up my duffel at the door, and walked out.” He rubbed his eyes with his forefinger and thumb, suddenly very tired.

  “Two days before I met my wife Michelle, he died of a massive heart attack on his way from work. I wasn’t surprised that he was coming from work. I was surprised to learn that he’d been sober for eighteen months.”

  “Why? People sometimes turn their lives around.”

  “Eighteen months had been the amount of time I’d been sending him checks from my new job; checks that he’d never cashed. Sometimes I think he hoped I’d come back after I graduated from college. When I started sending checks from my new job, he knew it wasn’t part of my plan.” He’d worked through most of the guilt of not coming back or calling. His father had his number. He made sure he put it in the letters he sent along with the checks, but he never got a call or a return letter. The only proof he had that his father had received and opened the letters was when he found them piled neatly in a shoebox among his father’s belongings the weekend he went home to sell the double-wide trailer.

  “I think he was hoping I’d come back for a visit and see that he was a changed man.” He thought about it for the hundredth time and was glad once again that he’d been able to receive God’s love and peace to help combat and let go of the guilt he’d felt regarding his dad.

  “He wasn’t a bad man. He was just broken when my mom left and found the only way he could to cope.”

  “Does that make it better?” Shauna asked and he could see the hardness in her eyes. She was angry on behalf of the little boy.

  “No, Shauna, it just makes him a human being who couldn’t deal with the pain of being left behind.”

  “You’re so generous with your forgiveness,” she said, sounding baffled.

  “I’ve been there,” he said, looking her square in the eye. “I just found another way to escape.”

  Shauna stared at him wide-eyed for a moment. “What?”

  He leaned forward, placing his elbows on his knees and clasped his hands. “I double-majored in college, psychology and business finance. My counselor didn’t know whether I was coming or going, but I figured if I were to go into a profession dealing with finances, I could understand the people whose money I was handling or wanting to handle.

  “I’ve always watched people all my life. I thought if I could tell what they were thinking, it would be harder for them to surprise me with their action. Psychology allowed me to get to know more of the story when I watched people. I could also study the reasons why people acted and reacted to other people and situations.

  “After college, I was recruited by a financial firm just off Wall Street. I did very well. I was right about getting to know our clients and potential clients. My mentor was impressed but warned me about getting
addicted to my work. I gave it very little thought. I loved my job and considered myself fortunate to make money doing something I enjoyed.

  “I met Michelle one of the few Sunday afternoons I took off. I was running through the southwest side of Central Park and nearly collided into her and her toy dog.” He smiled to himself. “She used to hate it when I called Max a toy, but the Pomeranian barely came to my shins.” He shook his head. “Anyway, I ended up on the ground with a twisted ankle and she felt for a break while her dog tried to give me a bath with his tongue.” He chuckled. “That dog was way too friendly.

  “Well, one thing led to another. I got her number and took her out. She was beautiful, intelligent, and loved animals. I’d planned to get through a few more years of work before getting serious about anyone, but she was the kryptonite to that plan.” He smiled ruefully at Shauna.

  “Michelle was a doctor of sports medicine. She dealt with a lot of athletes, and mercifully for me, they were mostly women. She worked almost as many hours as I did so dating went slow, but our relationship was easy. We were like-minded in so many ways. We both worked hard at our careers, we loved nature even though we lived in the city with the least of it. She was a few years older than I and her love for adventure was almost an addiction itself. A few months after we met, we took a day off and went BASE jumping. She liked the idea of us doing something together neither of us had done before.” He shook his head, opening his palms, but all he saw were dark-brown, laughing eyes and dimples that bracketed a ready smile.

  “I liked the idea of the day being over. I joked with her, telling her we’d also never ridden a train. She was from a small town in Kansas with one stoplight. I think that’s one of the things that drew me to her. She felt like home even though I’d done everything to escape this place.

  “Two years to the day we met, we got married in a small ceremony. Both of us believed in God, but neither of us were constant churchgoers. We saved most of our money for an extended honeymoon in Belize. She wanted to go to the rainforest.” He laughed, feeling lighter than many years. “New York has nothing on their humidity.