Seeking Refuge

by Alana Terry

  Kids are resilient. Maybe Dez had already bounced back from all the fear and trauma she’d endured. But what if she was carrying it beneath the surface? What if the trauma wouldn’t come out for months or even years? Would Jade wake up when her daughter was a high-schooler only to learn that Dez’s eating disorders and propensity to self-harm all stemmed back from the past twenty-four hours?

  Someone like Ben didn’t have to worry about that. All he had to do was crack jokes and hand over his credit card to the cashier behind the counter. Jade had no idea how much money Alaska state troopers made, but it was certainly more than a thirty-hour-a-week daycare employee.

  “You’re doing it again, Mom,” were the first words out of Dez’s mouth when Ben wheeled her out of the store. Jade wasn’t about to argue and risk Ben’s overhearing. She pried her eyes away from him and smiled at her daughter. “Ready to go home, baby?”

  Dez nodded. “Yeah. But can we make a quick stop first? Officer Ben’s gonna buy me a big old hamburger with lots of French fries. And ice cream, too.”

  Chapter 41

  JADE HAD NEVER BEEN happier to find herself on the Glenn Highway, headed for home.

  Dez knew Pastor Reggie’s kids from Sunday school, and she was happy to sit in the back of the van with them. With Reggie and his wife up front, that left enough space for Jade and Ben to sit side by side on the long drive back to Glennallen.

  Reggie had a cough and was losing his voice. His wife was exhausted after a week in the Lower 48 with two little kids and was asleep about ten minutes into the drive.

  Jade took advantage of the relative silence to think. At some point, it would probably hit her that she’d killed a man. She should also be more concerned that Sapphire was still alive. But right now, she was fixating on Christmas, wondering how she could move things around to find money for Dez’s gifts. The heating bill wouldn’t be due until after the New Year, but with such a small paycheck coming in at the end of the month, she couldn’t afford to waste a penny. She had no idea if the oil company would actually turn off heat to a home with a single mom and five-year-old girl, but she didn’t feel like testing her luck.

  “Sounds like they’re having fun,” Ben observed after a round of giggles erupted from the back seat.

  “Yeah, they’re pretty good friends.”

  “I’m glad you two are on your way home.”

  “So am I.” She glanced over at him. There were so many things it felt like they should be talking about. Like the fact that Jade would have to answer for her role in Gabriel’s death. That she’d seen people of color denied justice too many times, and she was scared.

  That the woman who tried to abduct her daughter was still alive.

  One thing among many that Jade still didn’t understand was the drugs in the IV. So far, Ben didn’t have any updates about what the police had learned from the nurse they caught. Had Sapphire put him up to it? Why would she kidnap Dez only to try to kill her the next day?

  Sapphire was nothing like the villains Jade had learned to fear. She was capricious, led by dreams and whims and words of God that could come from anywhere. It made her unpredictable.

  And terrifying.

  Ben let out a sigh. “Long day, huh?”

  Jade only had the energy left to nod.

  “Why don’t you try to get some sleep?” he suggested, then cracked a grin. “I promise not to tease you if you snore.”

  Chapter 42

  IT WAS AFTER MIDNIGHT when Reggie pulled up in front of Jade’s house. Ben insisted on double and triple checking every room, nook, and cranny before Jade locked herself in for the night. Some of her friends in Glennallen kept their doors unlocked, but even with its relatively low crime rate compared to places like Anchorage, Jade had always been careful and protective of her home, her belongings, and most of all her daughter.

  Ben wasn’t working tonight, but he said another trooper he knew would park outside her house and keep watch.

  Dez had fallen asleep in the back of the van, and Jade was relieved that tonight she could tuck her daughter into her own bed. She just wished she could find that kind of rest herself. Even with a squad car in her driveway, Jade jumped at every noise, convinced that Sapphire had returned to finish what she’d started. Jade wouldn’t admit it, but she was thankful when Ben called to check up on her. At one point, she even thought of erecting a barricade against the front door. When she wasn’t freaking out over every single stray sound, she was terrified that Dez was sick, that her core temperature had dropped, or that the medicine dumped into her IV had caused her heart to fail.

  Between investigating every noise and running into Dez’s room to make sure she was still alive, Jade didn’t get any more than three or four hours of sleep total. Eventually she gave up on her own bed, and she crawled on the mattress beside her daughter, snuggling her tight while she stared at Dez and worried. Worried that Sapphire was going to try to kidnap her again. Maybe even kill her. Worried that the events of the past two days would scar her, change her, transform the bright, fun, sassy little girl into a timid, frightened creature.

  Worried that she still didn’t have Christmas presents or money to buy any.

  Years earlier, Jade had memorized verses about casting her cares on the Lord, trusting him to provide for all her needs, relying on him, and no longer living as a slave to fear. But as the endless midnight wore on, as her body kept reacting in terror to every single sound, every perceived change in her daughter’s breathing, nothing she remembered helped.

  A picture of Ben floated through her mind, an image of him smiling and joking with her daughter. For a moment she experienced the peace and happiness she’d felt earlier when she was with him. Then the feelings vanished, and she was alone again in a dark, eerie room, with only her fears and her trauma there to comfort her.

  Chapter 43

  “MAMA! MAMA! WAKE UP!”

  Jade opened her eyes. It was already light out. How long had she slept in?

  “Mama! Look. Santa’s here.”

  “It’s not Christmas yet. Go to sleep, baby.”

  “No, Santa really is here. He just knocked on the door.”

  “What are you talking about?”

  “Go see for yourself.”

  Jade glanced at the time. She threw on her slippers, tossed a dirty sweatshirt over her flannel pajamas, and peeked out the window.

  Dez crossed her arms and jutted out her hip. “See? Told you it was Santa.”

  “That’s not Santa, baby. I don’t know who it is.” Jade stared at the dressed-up man on her porch, wondering if she should call the troopers. The squad car that had been parked outside all night was gone. The man on the porch turned and caught her staring at him from the window. Smiling, he waved as he set down a huge black trash bag.

  “Look, Mama!” Dez exclaimed. “He’s brung presents.”

  Jade hurried to the door, wishing she’d actually gotten dressed. “Ben, what are you doing here?”

  “Ho, ho, ho,” he declared, stepping into their home and lowering his very fake looking white beard. “I’m bringing you your gifts.”

  Jade stared at the bag he dumped on the floor. “What’s this?”

  “Presents for you and your little girl. Ho, ho, ho.”

  “You can talk normally, Ben.” Dez ran to the trash bag. “We all know it’s really you.”

  “That’s Officer Ben,” Jade corrected.

  He took off his bright red hat and smiled.

  She glared at her daughter. “Don’t go opening that bag without permission,” she told Dez. “Who taught you your manners, young lady? A moose?”

  Dez giggled and pulled out a wrapped gift. “Look! I bet this is one of those huge coloring books.” She pulled a package out and shook it. “And these must be the colored pencils. I hope there’s a pencil sharpener in here too because mine’s broke.”

  “Dezzirea Rose Jackson,” Jade huffed.

  “It’s okay with me if she opens them now,” Ben said quietly. “T
hese are from everyone around town. People brought them to the church yesterday. The sled and new mittens and snow boots are from the trooper’s station. So are the ice skates.”

  Dez’s eyes widened. “Ice skates?” She turned the whole bag upside down, spilling at least two dozen packages onto the floor.

  “That package with the blue snowflake paper is for your mom,” Ben said, “so don’t open it.” He glanced at Jade. “I heard that someone around here might need a new coffee maker.” He pulled a plastic grocery bag out of the mix. “And I brought you creamer. I hear it’s an acquired taste.”

  Jade didn’t meet his eyes. “You really shouldn’t have gone to all this trouble.” Jade stared at the booty, wondering how much of it would be broken or lost by January first.

  Ben scratched beneath his Santa beard then finally took it off. “The only trouble was getting into this suit. I had no idea it’d be so itchy. We rented it for the troopers Christmas party tonight. Which is actually one more reason why I wanted to stop by.” He dusted a piece of white cotton fuzz off his suit’s belly, lowering his gaze. “I know it’s short notice, but I was wondering if you’d be my plus one.”

  “Tonight?”

  He nodded. “We’re having prime rib. And I hear the captain’s wife makes a mean pumpkin pie.”

  Jade glanced at her daughter, who fortunately seemed more interested in unwrapping her gifts than in eavesdropping.

  “I’ve got to take Dez to church for her Christmas rehearsal tonight. Otherwise it sounds like a great time.” She licked her lips, hoping he wouldn’t be too upset.

  He moved his Santa hat from one hand to the other. “What if I told you that Aisha already agreed to take Dez home after rehearsal?”

  “You talked to Aisha?”

  He smiled. “Guilty.”

  She stared at the buckle of his Santa suit. “I don’t know. With all she’s gone through ...”

  Dez glanced up. “Come on, Mama. You should go to the party with Officer Ben. You’ll have a great time.”

  “I don’t want to leave you alone, baby. Besides, this is a grown-up conversation, and I don’t remember asking your opinion.”

  “Yeah, but he’s invited you, and it would be mean to say no.”

  Ben grinned. “That smart girl of yours has got a point there.”

  He really wasn’t making it easy for her to turn him down. And when he gave her one last, hopeful smile, Jade realized she didn’t want to.

  “Okay. What time do I need to be ready?”

  Chapter 44

  “NO, MAMA. IT’S A CHRISTMAS party, so you have to wear red.”

  “But I think this black dress makes me look skinnier.”

  Dez scrunched up her face. “Why would you want to look skinnier?”

  “It’s just what people do when they get to be old like ... oh, never mind. So you really think the red one’s nicer?” She held up the dress on the hanger.

  Dez nodded. “Uh-huh. It’s more like a party. The black one would just make you look like ...” She cocked her head to the side and considered. “Like a lump of coal.”

  “Well, thank you very much, Miss Fashionista.”

  She shrugged. “It’s what I’m here for.”

  “Well, you go scram now so I can get dressed. And you better have all those new toys off the floor by the time I come out or I’m taking them away for two whole weeks. Got that?”

  “Okay.” Dez jumped off the bed and scrambled down the hall. Jade shut the door and eyed both dresses one more time. She didn’t want to wear the red one. She hadn’t even asked Ben how fancy tonight was supposed to be. The black dress was simple and elegant. If she wore the red, everyone would think she was trying to stand out. Like Rudolph’s nose or a giant pimple.

  Well, maybe after all she’d gone through there was nothing wrong with standing out. At least not a little. And she did have a pair of heels that would go great with it.

  Jade squeezed into the red dress, the one she’d bought herself two years ago as an incentive to lose weight. She’d never lost the pounds, but she managed to zip it up with a little help from her daughter. Jade had just finished applying her makeup when someone knocked on the door.

  “I’ll get it!” Dez called from the other room. Jade sprinted to intercept her. For all the danger she’d been in, Dez didn’t seem to have a single scared bone in her body. Her carefree recklessness made Jade nervous.

  She glanced out the window, saw Ben in his trooper uniform looking crisp and clean, and opened the door. “Hello.”

  He stepped in, and a blush settled on his pale cheeks. For a minute, it looked like he didn’t know if he was supposed to give her a hug, kiss her cheek, or stretch out his hand for a hearty shake.

  Jade took a step back, hoping to save him his dignity.

  “You look nice,” he finally said.

  “You’re supposed to tell her she looks beautiful,” Dez announced.

  Jade gave her daughter a warning look.

  “You ladies ready?” Ben asked, holding the door open.

  “Yup,” Jade answered. “Just let me close up, and we’ll be right out.”

  Jade checked the lock twice, glanced at herself one last time in the small mirror, and followed Ben out the door toward his car.

  Chapter 45

  IT WAS STUPID FOR JADE to leave home with nothing but her shawl to keep her warm. Even in the community hall, she shivered each time someone new came in, bringing icy gusts of freezing air with them.

  When she agreed to attend Ben’s Christmas party with him, she’d failed to consider that most of the people he worked with had been actively involved in her daughter’s search. Between congratulations, well-wishes, and questions about Dez, Jade hardly got a chance to talk with Ben before dinner was served.

  The meal was delicious, a no-expense-spared ordeal that Ben and the others dug into with gusto. Jade took small bites, wishing she had stayed home tonight. Even when she walked Dez into the church to drop her off at her Christmas play rehearsal, Jade tried changing plans, tempting her daughter with promises of ice cream and hot chocolate both.

  Dez would hear nothing of it.

  Jade didn’t feel right being separated. After all both of them had gone through, they needed each other.

  At least Jade needed her daughter.

  “You okay?” Ben asked as couples started to get up from the table to enjoy some music. “I was going to ask if you’d like to dance, but I’m a little scared of those heels you’re wearing.”

  Jade tried to match his smile. It wasn’t his fault that tonight had been a bust. He’d certainly tried to make everything perfect, from the small bottle of somewhat generic perfume he gave her in the car to arranging for Aisha to babysit after Dez’s play practice was done.

  “Did you eat too much dinner?” Ben asked. “I know I did.”

  Jade sighed. She’d gotten herself all made up, hoping to make a good impression on Ben and his coworkers. All that to realize she couldn’t pretend to be anything other than what she was. And right now, she was a worried mom who was anxious about her daughter.

  And her feet were killing her.

  “I’m sorry.” She searched Ben’s eyes. Did he understand? “Everything’s been great, and dinner was really nice, but I can’t stop worrying about Dez. I really shouldn’t have agreed to leave her tonight. It’s too soon.”

  She watched his expression for signs of disappointment. He smiled gently then nodded. “That makes sense. I’m sorry.”

  She reached out and touched the sleeve of his shirt. It was a small gesture but felt somehow intimate. “Don’t be. I’m glad you invited me. And maybe if things hadn’t just happened like they did ...”

  “I understand. Should we call it a night?”

  “If you want to stay here, I can call Aisha. I’m sure she wouldn’t mind picking me up.”

  “Don’t be silly. We’ll go pick up Dez, and then I’ll take you both back to your place.”

  “Thank you, Ben.” She held
his gaze for a quiet moment.

  His sad, almost tired expression softened into a smile. “Don’t mention it. That’s what friends are for.”

  Chapter 46

  “SO, WHERE ARE WE GOING?” Ben asked as they rolled out of the parking lot. Behind them, Jade could still hear the sound of the Christmas music blaring out the community hall windows.

  “I don’t know if Dez is still at the church or not. Let me give Aisha a text.”

  She opened her purse. “Uh-oh.”

  “What’s the matter?”

  “I left my phone at home.”

  “Well, there’s the church up ahead. I don’t see any lights on. Do you?”

  “No, they must be finished. Do you mind swinging by Aisha’s house?”

  “Of course not.”

  “It’s about two miles up the Glenn. You turn at the first stop after the clinic.”

  “I can do that.”

  Jade tried to think of something else to say. She’d already apologized for ending the night so early, but even though he’d been gracious about it, she still didn’t think she’d told Ben everything.

  Like how she hoped he’d give her another chance soon.

  Was this going to be life from now on? Was she always going to be this nervous, unable to spend ten or twenty minutes away from her daughter without breaking into a cold sweat and heart palpitations?

  How did you just pick up after something like this and make life go back to normal?

  Ben turned onto Aisha’s road, and Jade directed him toward her friend’s driveway. He pulled in, and Jade unbuckled her seatbelt. “I’ll be back in just a minute.”

  “I’ll be here waiting.”

  Something in his tone caught her off guard. She turned to look, fully expecting to see something different, but there was that same kind and open expression. The gentle smile he probably gave to everyone.