Holdout: A Moo U Hockey Romance

by Jaqueline Snowe

  My gaze flew to Ryann’s, her big blue eyes wide and filled with concern. She jutted her chin to the phone and spoke in a soft, tentative voice. “I think you should answer.”

  Maybe that’s what I needed. Someone to tell me what to do so I didn’t have to make the choice. She nodded, and I reached out, hit answer, and waited.

  “Jonah, hi,” my mom’s voice came through on the speakerphone, the familiar sound sending bolts of pain through my chest. How dare she sound the same? Was her life peachy without us?

  “W-why,” I started, emotion clogging my every word. I cleared my throat, not caring if she could hear my reaction to her. “Why are you calling me?”

  She sighed and the sound went directly to my heart, squeezing around it to the point I slammed my eyes shut. “I wanted to talk to my son.”

  “Talk to your new one,” I fired back, hating how Ryann seemed to disappear under the table. She slid down and took one step toward her room before I wrapped my fingers around her wrist and yanked her back to the chair. I needed her there. She knew my past, and I couldn’t explain why her presence was essential, but it was.

  She yelped but remained seated, her brows furrowed into a hard line.

  “Jonah,” my mom said, her voice breaking. “I miss you.”

  I remained numb to it. “You don’t get to miss me. You’re lucky I even answered the phone.” My head pounded, and I needed to end the call. “We have nothing to talk about. You don’t give a shit about my life, so if it’s money you’re after, I don’t have any.”

  She gasped and let out a wretched sob that made me feel like I could throw up. I hung up the phone and panted like I’d run five miles. Everything hurt. My mind, my heart, my body. I wanted to simultaneously punch a wall and cry.

  I rubbed my palms over my eyes and counted to ten with slow, deep breaths that didn’t help the growing pressure in my body. “I need to go.”

  “Where?”

  “Out. I don’t know.” I stood up and searched for my keys and wallet. I shoved them in my pocket and grabbed a sweatshirt. “I need to walk.”

  “Alone or…?”

  Her question stopped me cold. She studied me with her pretty lips pursed and her brows drawn in concern. It was the lack of fear or pity in her eyes that made me say the unthinkable. “You’ll come?”

  “Of course.” She got up, slipped her sandals on, and stood next to me at the front door with her face set in determination. “We need ice cream and cookies. Hell, an ice cream sandwich made with cookies. I won’t take no for an answer, J.D.”

  She led me out the door, pushing me through the frame before she locked up and we headed down the stairs. They were significantly sturdier with the new foundations in place, but my legs still shook from the adrenaline. Ryann walked fast, and I caught up so we were side by side.

  Losing my mom to my best friend’s dad meant I also lost the person I talked to about hard stuff. And it wasn’t like I could complain to my dad because his life was even worse. Bottling my feelings up for years and avoiding them had caught up to me, and I was so thankful for Ryann, I could’ve hugged her.

  The fact that I wanted to ruin this by kissing her splashed over me like a bucket of cold water. I couldn’t be an idiot when I had a friend for the first time in years.

  She hummed a showtune and paused when we reached a corner. “I think it’s to the right. The place.”

  “Where are we going?”

  “Shh, don’t worry, I’ll figure it out.” She bit her bottom lip, the gesture a sharp reminder of what we almost did two days ago. My head got lighter. Fuzzier.

  I ran my hands over my face, groaned, and stilled when a small hand landed on my arm. My emotions were on overload, and without a physical outlet, I had no idea what to do.

  “What’s your favorite movie?”

  “What?” I opened my eyes and glared at her. Why the hell would she ask me that now?

  “You heard me.” She headed right, not removing her hand from my forearm as she brought me with her. Instead, she looped her arm through mine and kept her attention straight ahead. “Mine is probably The Day After Tomorrow.”

  “That’s a terrible movie.”

  “Doesn’t matter if it’s bad. It’s a great escape.”

  “Kinda like Stranger Things?” I said, something warm and weird creeping into my chest. “It helped you heal?”

  “Yes, J.D. Disaster movies with a happy ending helped me.”

  My eye twitched when she used my nickname. While I hoped she wasn’t annoyed with me, more the situation, I tried to say something to erase the worry lines on her face. “I haven’t talked to a single person about what my mom did besides you and my dad.”

  “You can’t keep that bottled up. It’ll destroy you,” she said, her voice softening and her grip on me growing tighter. “Why not talk to your teammates?”

  “I don’t want them to treat me differently.”

  “They wouldn’t. I promise you.” She sighed, the sound was so feminine and sweet it almost made me smile. “Have you seen a counselor? Would you consider it?”

  I gulped. “Maybe, I’m not sure.”

  “I know we’ve only been friends, uh, roommates, for a little while so I don’t think it’s my place to give advice, but…”

  “We’re friends,” I barked out, recoiling at the aggression there. “We are friends, Ryann.”

  “Right.” She grinned up at me, her gaze dropping to my mouth for a second.

  I sighed and was about to respond when Paxton came into view. I let go of her arm so fast she had to take a step to settle herself, and I felt like such an asshole. It was a dick move, and I regretted it.

  “Shit, no, I’m sorry.”

  Her eyes hardened, but it was brief. She pressed her lips together just as Paxton walked up to us and smiled.

  “Hey, Baby Reiner.” He grinned big at her before eyeing me. “Bro, heard you’re living with Reiner’s sister. Can’t wait to see the place.” The guy winked at Ryann and held out a fist to her. She fist-bumped him and grinned back.

  “Weird coincidence we’re roommates,” she said, laughing and elbowing me in the side. “There was a bit of a name mix-up, if you can imagine.”

  Paxton nodded, eyeing her for a second. “Ryann is typically a boy’s name.”

  “There we have it.”

  Paxton jutted his chin toward me. “You guys heading to a party or something? I’m bored.”

  Ryann looked up at me, her blue eyes wide and clear and filled with sympathy, and my throat closed. She shook her head and let out a small chuckle. “No. I forced this ray of sunshine to get ice cream with me. I’m having a shitty day and wanted sweets.”

  Paxton liked that answer and laughed. “God, ray of sunshine. Fitting.”

  “Fuck off, Paxton,” I said, unsure if I was annoyed at him or how well he knew Ryann. It seemed pretty well.

  He clapped my shoulder and started moving past us. He put his hands in his pockets, whistling as he walked down the sidewalk in the opposite direction. My neck prickled with irritation, my emotions getting the best of me.

  “How do you know Paxton?” I foolishly asked, adding another reason for Ryann to punch me in the gut. She’d covered for me instead of spilling my secrets, and I had no idea how to thank her, yet my dumb ass was making it worse by speaking. At this point, I was lucky she’d even look at me.

  “My brother is best friends with the twins, and they hung out with me a bit last year.” She put her hands in her sweatshirt pocket and hummed again. “It’s just up here. Come on.”

  I remained silent as she skipped toward a door to Colleen’s Cookies and opened it for me. She wiggled her brows once we were inside, and she went to the cashier. “The mega-dreambar, please.”

  “I got it,” I said, handing my card to the woman before Ryann could. “I insist.”

  Ryann frowned for one second before shrugging. “If you’re sure.”

  “I am.”

  The employee handed me the
card back, and Ryann went to the other end of the counter with a dreamy expression that I only wore when I was on the ice. She was cute. Her messy hair, her long legs, the way she kept licking her lips as she stared at the various ice creams in the cooler. Ryann had a joy about her that was trouble because the more I was around it, the more I wanted to stay there.

  They called Ryann’s name, and she cheered before grabbing a huge cookie and ice cream dessert. She found the closest table and sat down before taking a bite out of it and closing her eyes. “Ohmygod,” she moaned, and I cleared my throat.

  “Ryann, your sounds are…obscene.”

  She flashed her eyes at me, shrugging. “Don’t care. Take a bite and try to keep it in your pants.”

  She lifted it straight to my mouth, and I leaned in to take a bite. It was juvenile to think about us sharing food, but it felt intimate, like people who knew each other well. The flavors burst into my mouth, vanilla, chocolate, caramel. My eyes closed, and I groaned, not quite as loud as she did but holy shit.

  “Told you. God, is this what winning a game feels like? I feel smug.”

  My lips curved up at her, and we shared a heated look. Was she thinking about earlier? She took another bite of the dessert and crossed her eyes. I laughed.

  She was ridiculous.

  “Two more bites for you.”

  “Then what?” I asked.

  “You spill your darkest secrets.” She smiled, tapping her finger on the table and looking at me with zero judgement. It felt like a gift I didn’t deserve.

  “Don’t have dark secrets.” I took one bite and let it sit in my mouth for a second before swallowing. Then I took a second. “I swear.”

  “What are you afraid will happen if you talk to your mom?”

  “Oh, we’re going straight to it, huh?” I snapped, sucking in a breath and settling myself. “Ry, I’m a fucking mess in my head. I don’t know what I should do or feel about anything. The only consistent thing is being the best on the ice and helping my dad.”

  “Why is the losing the scholarship so important? There’s financial aid, right?”

  “My dad is almost bankrupt, and honestly...” I trailed off, studying her freckles again. “My mom blamed hockey for leaving, and getting a scholarship makes it all worth it, you know?”

  “You earned another bite,” she said, her voice soft again.

  I brought the sandwich to my mouth and bit down, unable to break our stare. She was watching me eat, which sent a thrill down my body. Knock it off.

  “I understand why you’re focused, but Jonah, you should hear your mom’s apologies. It’s not my place, okay? I know that. But look at me and Michael. I would much rather have my mom alive and be furious with her. You don’t have to forgive her. I don’t know if she’ll ever deserve it, but avoiding her? You’ll combust, and that’s not productive to your goal.”

  My jaw tightened again. I wanted to end this conversation. My leg bounced up and down, and the door was two feet behind me. I could run out, and I knew she wouldn’t be able to catch up to me. I could go for a late jog or head to the twenty-four hour gym. The physical release would help for sure, but then what?

  She stared at me, her mouth slightly parted, her face void of any judgement, and the guilt from earlier returned.

  “Thank you,” I said, my voice gravelly. “For lying to Paxton.”

  “I wasn’t technically lying. I do want ice cream.” She took another bite and passed it to me. “But you’re welcome.”

  She did it so easily, like we were on the same team. It had been so long since I had someone there for me, willing to take my side, and the notion caused my heart to swell.

  That was unacceptable.

  “Tell me something messed up about you. I need to even the scales right now. I hate…the imbalance.”

  “It’s not a competition of who has a harder situation.”

  “I know, but please,” I said, my mind swirling with so many goddamn emotions. The way she lied for me, brought me here, encouraged me to talk to my mom… throw in her full lips and our almost kiss, and I was fucked.

  “Hmm, okay. Well, instead, I think we should talk about Sunday. You dodged me for two days, Jonah.”

  I gritted my teeth. I was being a coward, plain and simple

  “I can’t stop thinking about what almost happened, and instead of facing you and talking about it, I avoided it.” My heart hammered so hard she had to hear it. My pulse never pounded this hard on the ice. This was a new game, one I didn’t train hours on end for, and one I was a novice in. “Do you want to uh, talk about it now…here?”

  “Not if you’re uncomfortable.” She traced her finger on the tabletop, and I noted the bright green color of her nails. It fit her so well that it almost made me smile.

  We had insane chemistry. She understood my dedication to hockey and my need to be the best. I could talk to her about the shitty stuff with my mom, but none of that made it okay to think about my teammate’s younger sister this way when we both knew there was too much at risk.

  “I have no idea.”

  “We get along, Jonah, right?” she asked, her voice small.

  “Yeah, we do.” I sighed, my lips curving into a smile the more I stared at her. Her eyelashes were longer than I remembered, and I wanted to erase the unease in her warm blue eyes. “I’m sorry for how I acted the past two days, now, all of it.”

  “I get why you avoided me, even though I didn’t like it. Either way, we’ll need to talk about it.” She sighed, and her gaze moved over my face, mouth, shoulders before she blinked slowly, like being near me bothered her too. “Are you attracted to me?”

  “Yes,” I blurted out, my ears turning into lit matches from embarrassment. “Sorry,” I said, squeezing my eyes shut. “Yes. I’m attracted to you, Ryann.”

  I waited a second before looking at her again.

  She smiled, and her teeth came down on her bottom lip as she scrunched her nose in the cutest damn smile. “I was pretty sure, but it’s good to get it out in the open.”

  “Are you into me?”

  “I was the one who bit your lip, so if it wasn’t clear, yes.”

  I sucked in a breath. “We can’t do this.”

  She blinked. “I know. It’s too big of a risk.”

  “I can’t… do this to my teammate.”

  “I can’t do this to Michael again.” She chewed her lip, and her shoulders slumped.

  “What do you mean again?”

  She blew out a long breath and stared at something over my left shoulder instead of my face. “I fooled around with one of his teammates in high school, but apparently it was all a ploy to mess with Michael’s head. I didn’t know that, obviously. I got played, and Michael got benched. It was the biggest fight we ever got in and that was when we still had parents. Now? I can’t imagine fighting with him.”

  “Huh,” I said, relaxing into my chair. While the thought of her hooking up with someone wasn’t pleasant, the fact she had something important to lose as well settled me. It wasn’t only my bullshit that prevented us from falling into lust. “You have a lot at risk too.”

  “Yes. Because I can never lose my brother. It’s just us.”

  I ignored the slight pang in my chest and blamed it on the shit with my mom. “So, we stay friends who get ice cream when one of us is having a meltdown.”

  “Yes.” She smiled, a full grin that showcased her small gap and lit up her eyes. “And friends who might accidentally check each other out but don’t act on it.”

  “Deal. Shake on it.”

  She snorted as I held out my hand. She took it, her small palm pressing against mine, and I squeezed.

  “Deal,” she said, winking before leaning back into her chair. “Okay, so tell me about what you’re working on to prepare for the season. I’ll be at every game, so I might as well get in on your plan.”

  My heart grew in size again, but I swallowed down the emotion and started blabbing about everything I had been doing. She lis
tened like she cared.

  Maybe this roommate thing wasn’t such a terrible idea after all.

  11

  Ryann

  Hannah was running late, which was fine, but Michael and the twins planned to stop by the place twenty minutes ago, and I wasn’t there. I chewed on my hangnail, hating how nervous I was for Jonah. They were his teammates, and they’d respect his place, his privacy. I was sure of that.

  But still. He was nervous to go to a party and so determined to not mess up the chemistry of the team that he had to be sweating bullets. We never exchanged numbers, so it wasn’t like I could text him to see if he was okay.

  I let Michael know I’d be late, and his ‘LOL still going over’ response wasn’t reassuring.

  My brother joked all the time unless they were on the ice, but I couldn’t picture him making Jonah laugh. Maybe a slight curve of his mouth, but that was it.

  Wait—why was I thinking about Jonah’s smile? I shook my head as an attractive man approached the counter. It was my third shift at the café, and I already loved the smells, the customers, and the hours. My feet hurt from standing for six hours straight, but I needed the job and the independence.

  “Hi! What can I get you?”

  “Hey,” the guy said, grinning and showcasing a bunch of beautiful white teeth. He was classically handsome and held himself with an air of confidence. “Could I have a black coffee?”

  “Hot or cold?”

  “Hot. I promise I’m not a psychopath.” He narrowed his eyes at me and moved his gaze from my face to my nametag. “Ryann. Interesting name for a woman.”

  “I know. I have interesting stories to go with it,” I quipped back. He liked my answer. His face warmed, and he leaned closer to the counter. Maybe this was what I needed. Casually flirting. Maybe a date. I hadn’t gone on one since Derrick six months ago. A date would keep my mind away from my off-limits roommate.

  “Are you a student here?” I asked, not hiding my interest. I got a to-go cup ready and poured the fresh brew into it.