“Fuck, Ry, fuck.” He stilled and let out a long breath as he rested on top of me for a full minute. The room smelled of sex and sweat, and my eyes stung with the weight of it all.
This felt different than any sex I’d ever had, and when Jonah kissed my spine before getting up, I felt that kiss right in my chest.
“Incredible,” he said, just above a whisper before disposing of the condom. I tilted my head on my pillow to watch him, my heart in my throat at how beautiful he was. He was gentle and kind and mine.
The last thought threw me off. I wasn’t the type to get possessive or jealous, but knowing this could be our last time… it amplified every emotion.
“You seem happy,” I said, hating the way my voice was clogged. I cleared my throat hoping that would help. This was it. I felt it in the way he stared at me, like his eyes were trying to tell me goodbye. It was a farewell to the bliss, to the temporary situation we agreed upon.
“I am.” He flashed a quick smile and sat on the edge of my bed, still naked. He ran his hand up and down my back, kneading the spot above my ass before smacking it. “I need to shower. Want to join me?”
God yes.
“Oh, this could be fun.” I sat up and almost giggled when he gripped my sides and placed me in his lap. If our time was limited, I was going to spend every second enjoying his naked body.
He licked his bottom lip before kissing me again. This wasn’t a heated, foreplay type of kiss. It was slow and addicting. He held me tight against him again and let out a contented sigh before murmuring against my mouth, “Fuck, your lips are my favorite.”
I only hummed in response. If I said anything else, it would mess everything up, and I couldn’t take that risk. “Come on, hotshot, let’s get all wet and soapy.”
22
Jonah
By the time Friday rolled around, I woke up and Ryann was gone. Her flowery scent lingered in the air when I walked into the kitchen for breakfast, and her shoes, keys, and red sweatshirt weren’t near the entrance. Disappointment hit me hard. I wanted to talk to her about us, about the deal. We sidestepped any sort of chatting the night before, and instead of crashing in my bed, Ryann snuck off to her room with the excuse she had to leave early.
What did that even mean? I knew her schedule—she knew mine. She didn’t have work or class, so she had to be avoiding me. I ran my hand through my hair, trying to ignore the tightness in my chest and the uneasy feeling that I was missing something. But what is it?
Facts—we agreed to do this knowing I didn’t have time for a relationship or any complications with the season. She didn’t want her brother finding out because she didn’t want to impact their relationship. All true, but things had shifted, and not being with Ryann would be too fucking hard.
We had to tell her brother so we could be together in a real relationship… if that made her happy. Yes. I nodded to myself, hopeful that we could figure it out. I threw some spinach, yogurt, blueberries, and protein powder into the blender and made a shake before sending her a text. It’d be better to talk before the game. That way I wouldn’t be worrying about this after the puck dropped.
Jonah: You coming back at all today?
Ryann: Unsure. Caught up at the café.
Jonah: I thought Hannah opened?
Ryann: She needed me last minute.
Jonah: Okay. Well, will I see you before the game tonight?
Ryann: I don’t know, but Jonah? Good luck. You’re going to kick ass.
My heart hammered against my ribs. Maybe I wasn’t good at this shit. Her text felt… like a goodbye. Good luck? That’s what she said?
Jonah: What time do you get a break?
Ryann: I don’t get one.
She was lying to me, she had to be. Determined to talk and figure this out, I finished my shake, showered, and got dressed. We didn’t have to report to the rink until later that afternoon, and I had one class in the late morning. It would be perfect to study at the café and try to catch a moment of Ryann’s time. I’d tell her everything and see where she was at.
The walk to the café was a little cooler as fall neared, and I slipped on my headphones. It was quiet on campus, barely seven thirty, and most students didn’t even wake up until five minutes before their eight a.m. class. I liked the quad when it wasn’t filled with tons of peers. There was something peaceful about it, and the quiet soothed my growing nerves about talking to Ryann. I arrived at the double doors, and the bell chimed as I entered. Hannah, the pretty owner, stood behind the counter with Ryann, and the two of them were chatting in high-pitched voices.
“I’m telling you,” Hannah said, waving her hands in the air with a huge smile. “It feels so good to date a normal person.”
“I’m so thrilled for you. You deserve all the good luck, vibes, thoughts, and sex.” Ryann grinned, moved her gaze to mine, and as my lips twitched to match her grin, my girl’s face fell.
Her smile disappeared from her face when she saw me, and my heart plummeted to the freshly mopped floor. Why is she not happy?
“Jonah, hi,” she said, looking at the ground and blinking way too fast. Alarm bells went off, and I took a few steps closer to the counter. Hannah stared at me hard, and I nodded to her.
“Can I talk to you for a second?”
“Uh, I’m kinda busy.” She fidgeted with a cleaning spray handle, and a slight redness crept up her neck.
“Ry,” I tried again, my voice a little stronger than intended. “Please?”
She bit her lip and swallowed before meeting my gaze. Her blue eyes were pools of emotions, ones I couldn’t get a read on, and she let out a long breath. “Now is really not a good time.”
I looked around the empty room, making my eyes go wide at the lack of people. Hannah stood of to the side, watching without a lick of shame, and my face heated at the attention. This was about Ryann so I focused on her. “Why? Why is this not okay?”
“I’m not ready.”
I snapped my attention back to her, and my breath caught in my throat. “What does that mean?”
“I’m not ready to talk, okay? Today is a big day for you, for Michael, for the team.” Her voice was barely above a whisper. “Please, Jonah. I’m trying to be mindful of you. I think… later. We should talk later.”
“After the game?”
“Yes. Or Sunday. Play your first two games. Then we can talk.” She pulled at the edge of her apron so hard her knuckles were white.
“Is this what you need? To wait?” I asked, hating the worried look on her face. Did my obsession with hockey make her feel this nervous? Did she think all these weeks together meant nothing to me? Did she not realize she’d become my best fucking friend?
She nodded and refused to look at me. She chewed the side of her lip as a pair of students walked in. She jutted her chin to me, signaling to move away. We’d talk Sunday, in forty-eight fucking hours. It didn’t sit right. I waited until the two ordered fancy drinks and went up to the counter again.
“We can talk Sunday, but we are not done. Fuck the reasons why it’s a bad idea.” I didn’t wait for a reply before storming out of the café, torn between feeling proud, terrified, and worried. I’d put her first. I told her. That was something I never thought I’d do. Yet she held the power over me, and…the look on her face said she wasn’t going to keep me around. If she felt like it was a choice between her brother or me…she wouldn’t pick me.
Fuck if that didn’t suck.
Game time.
The music pounded over the speakers and the sound of metal on ice sliced through the air. Our warm-up was filled with a nervous energy and adrenaline—a lethal combination. There wasn’t a competition of who wanted it more between our team and our opponents because we all did. It was a part of being an athlete.
But we won when it came to grit and determination. We dominated on the ice, and it was time we showed it. The first period flew by with a combination of Patrick scoring one goal with my assist and Josh Gruber blocking every attem
pt our opponent made. The cold air hit my face as I skated across the ice, and my soul came alive. I belonged here.
It was where I could focus and use every muscle I trained for. The mouthguard remained tight in my mouth as I bit down, taking in the scene. The guys sitting on the bench, our coach yelling with the clipboard.
This was home.
My blood pumped through my veins during the second period where they tied the game. One-one, and Colorado was playing more aggressively. They had possession more, and my muscles burned as I skated up and down the ice. Michael passed it to Paxton, then to Patrick, me, Patrick, then goal.
Fuck yes. Another assist. I pumped my fist into the air as we did a quick huddle to celebrate. Michael looked maniacal from the joy, and it was contagious.
“Let’s fucking go!” he shouted. He skated up to me and put his arm around my head, knocking his helmet against mine before moving onto the next guy. I laughed, shaking my head at his ability to make every person on the ice feel like part of the family.
He cheered every one of our teammates with the same energy, and for one hot second, my gaze shifted to the stands where Ryann sat wearing a Moo U sweatshirt and green hat. Her fists lifted in the air.
Her gaze met mine, and without thinking, I winked at her.
It can be like this. Her at the games, her brother as my teammate. They didn’t have to live in separate worlds when it felt so damn right to have both.
I didn’t get to think about it long as the second period ended and we approached the third. Our coach gave us the plan, wanting us to put more pressure on their defense, and we came out ready to go.
Twenty more shots on their goal, we had the puck in possession more than their offense, but it wasn’t enough. With five minutes left of the final period, we needed to score. My arms burned and my thighs clenched as I slammed into the wall to stop the puck. I passed it to Paxton, who weaved around our opponent before pulling his stick back, swinging, and smacking the puck in a quick line just to the right of the goalie. He scored. The buzzer blasted in the stadium, and god, the high from it was enough to fuel me for days. That one goal sent us over the edge and was enough. We won. We won our home opener, and fuck if it didn’t feel good.
We celebrated with high-fives and bro hugs and a quick speech to be back the next day ready to go. I showered and got dressed fast, anxious to celebrate with Ryann. I didn’t care if she wanted to wait. I felt high on a rush and wanted to lose myself with her. She’d be so happy we won. I knew it. I’d convince her to talk now, preferably naked or with a celebratory beer my dad insisted we had.
I exited the locker room intent on talking to her when my fucking mom appeared. She stood off to the side, and the sight of her knocked the wind out of me. She wore a Moo U shirt, and my dad was walking up the other side. If he sees her… I panicked and completely froze. He might think I invited her, or forgave her, or betrayed him, and I shook my head, seconds away from pointing my finger at her to get out of there when Ryann walked up with my dad.
It was a clash of emotions, a vortex of feelings, and my head spun so fast I wasn’t sure I knew what to say.
“Great game, J.D.” My dad walked up and gave me a huge hug, still unaware of my mom’s presence. He patted my back and smiled over at Ryann. “Your roommate told me to come back here.”
“Yeah,” I choked out, unsure how to read the half-smile on Ryann’s face. Was she thinking we could really have a go at this too? Or was it a pity smile, like she knew I wanted more but didn’t know how to let me down? Fuck. I was quiet for too long and squeezed the back of my neck. “Uh, Dad… Mom’s here.”
He went rigid, took a step back, and paled.
“I didn’t invite her,” I said, desperate for him to understand. “I swear.”
“I believe you, son.” He cleared his throat, looked around, and went even more still when he saw her. My heart hurt, but Ryann came up to me and took my hand in hers. Her small palm pressed against mine, and she ran her thumb over my hand, almost like a silent I’m here. That little gesture grounded me. Fuck it.
I put my arm around her and pulled her to me.
She buried her face in my chest, her floral scent washing over me in a comforting hug, and I rested my chin on her head for one second. I needed her, as a friend, as something more. Her strength and wisdom and smiles—I wanted it all. I put both arms around her and closed my eyes, taking a deep breath to settle myself before dealing with my mom and dad. But when I lifted my chin off her head, Michael walked out of the locker room, his eyes narrowing into angry slits.
“What the fuck is this?”
Ryann jerked out of my embrace like I caught fire. She put as much distance between us as she could, and I missed her warmth immediately. Her eyes went wide, and she said, “It’s not what it looks like.”
“It’s not?” Michael fired back, his icy glare zapping me into pieces. “So, my teammate didn’t have you in his fucking arms? I imagined that?”
“Michael, please, not here.” Ryann’s voice came out shaky and nervous, and I hated seeing her worried. Her brother would understand. This wasn’t some hook-up. But does she know that?
She had to know what she meant to me. I’d do anything for her.
“You promised, Ryann.” He gritted his teeth and looked so different from our charismatic leader. “You fucking promised.”
“It’s not… we’re not… it’s nothing, okay?” she said. Michael stormed down the entryway, and she chased after him. He didn’t look back, and neither did she. I was forgotten as Ryann went to fix the one relationship she could never ruin.
Nothing.
We were nothing.
That was what she said.
But that couldn’t be true. We were something.
Right?
My mom and dad were both here in the same space after two hellish years, and the girl who became my best friend left me and said we were nothing.
Fuck this.
23
Ryann
“Michael, wait. Wait up, please.” I ran to grab his elbow, but he jerked it out of my reach. “Stop being a goddamn asshole.”
“Me?” he snapped, anger in eyes so similar to Mom’s, only she never looked at me with this much hate. “I’m the asshole? You’re the one who broke our promise.”
“You think I meant to do this? To risk the only family I have left?” I fired back, my throat hoarse and my eyes prickling with tears. I couldn’t believe I said it was nothing. That wasn’t the truth at all. It just… happened. “I love him. I’m in love with him. This isn’t… look, we haven’t talked about it because it was just supposed to be a hook-up. It grew to more, and we haven’t talked about it yet.”
“Oh, is this supposed to help? My teammate banging my sister? God, I’m gonna throw up. I can’t believe you did this. I can’t even look at you.” He stormed off again, and a part of me broke.
My brother wouldn’t forgive me for something that happened in high school, and he knew how important it was for us to be close. But this… tears fell down my face, and I stopped chasing him. We were well into the quad now, and students lingered around us, either leaving the rink or heading to a party. God, we must seem pathetic. Me chasing him with tears down my face, the look of disgust on his.
“You can’t do this, Michael. You can’t push me away because I made a choice you don’t like. I am sorry he’s your teammate, but I didn’t mean to fall in love with him. He’s not going to mess with you. If anything, he’s terrified you’ll make his life hell, and he needs this scholarship.”
He stopped walking, his shoulders tensing hard. He turned, glared at me, and put his hands on his hips. He didn’t say anything, but he arched one brow, so I continued.
“Don’t take this out on him. You want to hate me forever, fine, but I’m not going to beg. I love you and always will. It’s just us. But Jonah…” My voice broke, thinking about what he was going through with both his parents. The fact I left him. God, the horrified look on his face whe
n I said those words. “I need to go talk to him. You have no idea the shit he’s been through, and he needs support. He needs friends, teammates to have his back.”
Michael’s gaze sharpened as he ran a hand through his hair, pulling on the ends like he was more than annoyed with me. “You told me you were just friends. You lied.”
“Yeah, we are, but something else happened. He… I don’t know. Gets me. We fit. We haven’t talked about what it means yet because of the season and his fear of you sabotaging his scholarship. He must be terrified right now, thinking of the ways you’ll ruin him.”
Michael frowned and swallowed hard, shame filling his gaze as he looked at the ground. His shoulders slumped for a second before he said, “I’m not… I’m not that much of an asshole.”
“Yeah, you can be.” I wiped under my eyes as the tears from earlier dried.
“I hate this. I really do.”
“I’m sorry.”
Michael sucked in a breath and studied me for a few seconds before he shook his head. “If he hurts you, or you hurt him… it could fuck with everything. Your living situation, the team, hell, it’s already coming between us. How is that worth it?”
His words held truth to them, but it didn’t deter the manic need I had to talk to Jonah, to be with him. I’d dated and slept with other guys, but no feelings ever emerged like this. The pride I felt when I got him to smile or open up, the way he took care of me when he didn’t realize it—god, I loved him. I couldn’t believe it took me so long to realize it.
I sighed and waited for my brother to meet my eyes. “If it’s worth the risk for him, for me, then you’ll have to deal with it. And I think it is. I want to give this a real shot. We both deserve to be happy. You can’t dictate that. But even if this doesn’t work out, for whatever reason, I will never forgive you if you do anything to him. You are a leader on this team, and people follow you. I mean it, Michael,” I said, stepping closer and pointing at his chest. “Nothing changes how you treat him on the team.”
Holdout: A Moo U Hockey Romance Page 20