Holdout: A Moo U Hockey Romance

by Jaqueline Snowe

  “Fuck, you must really love this guy.”

  “I do. I didn’t know how much until right now, but I do.”

  He ran a trembling hand over his face and took a long breath. His face was pinched with dislike, but he nodded. “Okay.”

  “Okay,” I repeated. “So, are we good?”

  “Yeah. Of course we’re fucking good, Ry.” He rolled his eyes, and just like that, Michael and I survived our first fight since our parents died. We weren’t hating each other, throwing things, or crying.

  “I need you in my life, and I might make dumb decisions, but just… let me and be there.” I took another step toward him, and he pulled me into a hug.

  “Love you, Ry. Even if I hate knowing you’re dating my fucking teammate.”

  “You’ll get used to it.”

  “I don’t know if that’s true, but I’ll do my best.” He set me down, and a half-smile crossed his face. “Of all the teammates… I’ve never seen him look at a puck bunny twice.”

  “He’s not into that.”

  “Thank god, because we would be having a very different conversation if it was Patrick.”

  I snorted, welcoming the release, and stretched my arms over my head. “I need to find Jonah now to clear this up.”

  “You should, yeah.” My brother got his phone from his pocket and grinned. “If you two want to party, you know where I’ll be.”

  I rolled my eyes and smiled as he walked away. A nervous onslaught of butterflies overtook me. Jonah. God, I hoped he was okay. I sent him a text asking where he was and waited a beat.

  Then another.

  No response.

  I headed back to the rink since we only walked a few minutes from it, but he wasn’t there. No sign of his dad either.

  Must be at home.

  It was dark out and the journey wasn’t long, but I didn’t put headphones in because walking alone on campus always made me a little nervous. It was safe and there weren’t any incidents I knew about, but it caused me to be hyperaware of the sounds around me. My pulse rushed in my ears at the thought of what Jonah must be going through. His parents, me leaving him… oh god. He had to be so upset.

  I walked faster and bolted up the stairs to our place but was greeted with dark silence. No smell of equipment, no freshly showered Jonah anywhere. He wasn’t back yet. I sighed and hated the twist in my gut.

  Ryann: Hey, I’m back home and really need to know you’re okay.

  Nothing, again.

  I rationalized all the things he could be doing. Maybe he went with his dad to help him through seeing his mom. Or maybe they were having a beer somewhere. The guys would party after winning…he could be at the hockey house.

  A terrible, disgusting thought hit me. What if he was with another girl? He wouldn’t do that though. He didn’t like hook-ups, and we were exclusive until the season started.

  Fuck, technically, we were done.

  And he watched me run after Michael.

  I had no idea why I said we are nothing to Michael after he caught us. My worst fear of my only family abandoning me had flashed before my eyes, and my body went into protection mode. I said whatever I needed to in hopes of stopping Michael from leaving. But at what cost?

  I lay on the couch and stared at the ceiling, overwhelmed with all of the confusing emotions. The regret of refusing to talk to Jonah over the fear he would end it that morning… to the pride seeing him on the ice, to the worry about his family, to the fear that I ruined us by chasing after my brother.

  In a last-ditch attempt, I sent him one more text.

  Ryann: I really need to see you. Are you coming home?

  It went unanswered, and I eventually fell asleep, only to wake up in a still empty place.

  Jonah never came home.

  His absence didn’t mean he hooked up with someone, but the unanswered texts and the fact he still wasn’t home—at noon—meant this was intentional. He chose to not respond or come back, and it hurt.

  Even if he was pissed at me and wanted to end this, he owed me a conversation.

  Ryann: You’re acting like an asshole. If you want to be angry, come do it to my face. Stop being a fucking coward.

  Jonah: Right, I’m the coward.

  Ryann: Oh, glad you’re alive.

  I didn’t care if I sounded immature or bitchy. I was worried. So worried I barely slept, and I had large bags under my eyes that made me look gaunt and all sorts of awful.

  Ryann: Look, can we talk?

  Jonah: You said yourself that we were nothing. What else is there to say?

  Ryann: So that’s it?

  Jonah: I don’t know what you want me to tell you. I’m turning off my phone. I need to focus.

  I groaned in frustration and tossed my barely touched laptop to the side. What else is there to say. What did that even mean? I slammed my eyes shut as a wave of absolute desperation hit me. Was this him ending this for real? Did my chasing after Michael solidify to him that this was over, or did he plan on this being done the whole time? Fuck if I knew, but it hurt, bad, and I wanted to curl into a ball and cry. We were good together and brought out the best in each other. Earning a Jonah smile was the best gift in the world.

  His laugh was the second best.

  I rested my face against my hands and pressed my lips together tight to try and prevent myself from crying. Three deep breaths later, I got temporary control on the waterworks. What if he moved out without talking to me?

  God, he wouldn’t do that… right?

  Of all the days I wished I had to work… this was one of them.

  I could use the distraction. I needed to escape the place where Jonah wasn’t coming back to and I’d be stuck thinking about all the what ifs.

  Ryann: Want me to take a shift tonight? I need it.

  Hannah: You sure? Isn’t there a game?

  The woman knew my obsession with the team and my brother. She definitely knew I had major feels for my roommate after he left the previous day. I confessed everything to her.

  Ryann: Yes. my brother found out, and JD won’t talk to me. I need to do something.

  Hannah: Then come on in, girl. I could use you around five.

  Perfect.

  I’d missed one game since I came to the university, and it was because of a study group that was required for grades. It sucked, but I managed to sneak highlights from my phone, and it felt weird not being there. But this was intentional.

  It gave Jonah and Michael time to deal with themselves. My brother didn’t have to worry about seeing me, and Jonah could continue avoiding me without concern while I could live in my personal hell of knowing Jonah and I were done.

  I fell in love with the guy who couldn’t risk us having a real relationship. Great job, Ryann. I could almost hear my parents laughing at me from above. Knowing I could escape my mind for a few hours that night, I finished the homework I had to do, showered, and got ready.

  Working from five until close was exactly what I needed. I’d make money, avoid hockey and all the players, and try to figure out my plan. If Jonah and I were done… I ignored the pang in my chest and the tears threatening to fall…then I would have to figure out how to live with him.

  Because seeing him every day with a broken heart would be impossible.

  24

  Jonah

  My knee bounced as I sat on the bench in the locker room. I needed to play more than my lungs required oxygen. The ice was my safe space, my zone, and time seemed to stop altogether as I watched the clock. Hours went by three times slower, and I gripped the back of my neck to focus on the film in front of me.

  Not Ryann.

  Not the look on her face when Michael saw us.

  Not the fact that her fucking brother hadn’t looked at me once since he walked into the locker room.

  Not the fact that my dad and mom had a conversation the night before, and I had no one to talk to about it.

  It was hockey.

  My one constant.

  “Dan
iels,” Patrick said, his voice harsher than normal. “Stop bouncing the whole goddamn bench.”

  “Sorry,” I said, stilling my leg and lacing my skate. The air was tense, and I knew without a doubt it was because of Ryann and me.

  Patrick didn’t say anything back, and I was glad. This was going to be the real test—would they treat me differently on the ice and was it worth it?

  Yes. I knew in my gut Ryann was, but she made it fucking clear we were nothing.

  “Listen up,” Coach Bart said, coming out of his office with a clipboard. “Colorado College is good. Better than good. We have to bring our A game, so here’s what we’re going to do…”

  An hour later, we were on the ice, and it was brutal. Their forwards were some of the best—two of them already drafted and waiting to finish their senior year, but the twins were even more talented.

  It was all about finesse. Who passed better. Who followed through on their plays. Who had more endurance.

  They did after the first period, and even though we were down by three, I didn’t expect Michael to shove me against the wall the second we were in the locker room. He’d passed the puck to me a few times, and there was no difference in play, yet the fire in his eyes and the aggressive way he gripped my collar startled me.

  “What the fuck did you do?” he roared, earning the attention of the twins. They stayed back and flanked him on either side.

  This was a vision from my nightmares. Straight up. The captains turning on me. Pushing me out. My stomach hardened, and I could’ve thrown up.

  “What are you talking about?” I croaked out.

  “My sister doesn’t miss my fucking games. She’s not here. Why the fuck not?” He pushed against me harder and gritted his teeth.

  “She’s not at the game?” I repeated, like an idiot. I’d forced myself not to search for her in the stands. Thinking she was there calmed me, but I never confirmed it. His worry and anger reached into my chest and fisted my heart into a pulp. “Wait… why isn’t she here?”

  “I don’t know, J.D. The only reason would be your dumb ass.” He let go of me, hissed, and stomped a few feet down the hall. “Did you not work it out? Did you dump her because of the team? I’m not going to fuck up your future on the ice because my sister loves you. So if you ended it because of that… well, you’re a fucking moron then.”

  He gave me a disgusted look, his lip curled up on one side, before marching further away into the locker room. The twins watched with mild amusement before joining him. They had no idea the turmoil and rush of emotions paralyzing me to that spot. His words were like hot flames branding my skin.

  My sister loves you.

  Ryann loves me.

  She loves me.

  The notion made me breathless. The happy, beautiful girl who carved her way into my goddamn soul loved me—and like a chickenshit, I’d avoided her.

  It’s nothing. The words she said to Michael sent me into a tizzy, but he wouldn’t have said that unless she told him, right?

  “Reiner,” I barked out, making him and a few other teammates look at me. “She told you that?”

  He shook his head and pinched his nose. “I hate everything about this. Not getting involved even the slightest, dude.”

  That was unhelpful.

  Our coach didn’t give us any more time to talk, and he came in hot, screaming about ways we could tie the game and amp up our offense. Normally, I’d soak up every word and make plans in my head that I could enforce on the ice. Tonight was different.

  Worry etched its way into my focus, and the longer I thought about it, the more my concern for Ryann grew. My text to her wasn’t great. It was a cop-out because I was pissed at her. She tossed what we were aside when my life came to an explosion, but Michael’s words… she loves me seemed to make all that disappear.

  So where the fuck was she?

  She wasn’t scheduled to work tonight.

  “J.D.!” our coach barked, and I blinked myself back into focus. “Are you even listening? Do you care that you’re not making passes or finding gaps? Jesus.”

  “Yes, Coach, I’m listening.” I leaned forward, embarrassed that I let my mind wander.

  “Good. You and Patrick—you need to put more pressure on their defenders. That play we ran in practice this week was to prepare us against this team. Now do it.” He went to the white board and drew a couple of lines to show the path he wanted, and I threw myself back into the game.

  I’d do my part to help us win, and then I’d find Ryann.

  That was the plan, and if I was good at anything, it was following through.

  We won in a shoot-out by Patrick, and the win felt good, better than good. We were 2-0, and the guys were rowdy. The team would be celebrating and enjoying life well into the night, but my mind was set on one thing: Ryann.

  I sent her a text the second I could, my fingers fumbling over the phone.

  Jonah: Hey where are you? You okay?

  Nothing.

  I deserved it after I crashed with my dad and left all her texts unanswered. Self-annoyance was awful and unhelpful, but I wished I handled the previous night differently. Then my game would’ve been better, and I wouldn’t have been looking in the stands every chance I got to see if she was there.

  Was I too late?

  Did I ruin it?

  If she loved me… there was no way those feelings went away that fast. She could be pissed at me, but we would figure it out. We had to.

  I showered in record time and had all my shit in my bag when Michael and I came face to face as we left the locker room. His jaw tightened, and he looked me up and down for a second before he shocked the hell out of me and put his hand on my shoulder.

  “Look, I love my sister more than anything, and if you’re good to her, we will never have a problem off the ice. On the ice, you’re my teammate, no matter what. I need you to know that. If I’m the reason Ry doesn’t have a chance at… love,” he said, his face twisting into a grimace. “I’ll never forgive myself.”

  “I won’t hurt her, ever.”

  He took a deep breath. “I do believe you. It’s still fucking weird to imagine, but we’ll figure it out. Just take care of her. Our circle is small, and it seems you’re already in.”

  “I love her too.” As soon as I said the words, my body sparked back to life. The truth of them, the severity of them, didn’t send me into a downward spiral of self-doubt. Ryann wasn’t like my ex, or former best friend, or my mom.

  Loving her would make my life a million times better.

  Michael nodded twice before looking toward the ceiling. “Figure your shit out with her. If she misses another game because of you, we won’t be having this casual of a talk.”

  “Yes, sir.”

  He liked my answer. He grinned, let go of me, and headed toward the twins. This was the best scenario I could’ve imagined. Michael didn’t have to like us being together, but we had his support, and I had his promise.

  He led with dignity and passion, and I trusted him. He said nothing would change on the ice, and I believed it. The biggest thing holding me back from being with Ryann was erased and that meant I had to find her ASAFP.

  As soon as fucking possible.

  My dad waited for me outside the locker room, and I gave him a huge hug before apologizing a million times. “I can’t hang out. I have to find Ryann.”

  His answering smirk told me enough. “You get your head out of your ass?”

  “Dad, you’re supposed to be on my side.”

  “I am. And that means telling you when you’re being an idiot. That girl loves you. I could see it the day I met her.”

  That stopped me. “Wait, really?”

  “Yes. She watches you with an expression that makes me happy to see. Either you didn’t realize it, or if you did, you were in denial. You two are made for each other. Enjoy it, kid.”

  “Maybe we can get pizza again soon?”

  “Of course. Go fix this with Ryann and let me know how it
goes.” He took a breath and said, “Love you, J.D. No matter what.”

  “You too.”

  His words were in direct relation to the fact I told him I might talk to Mom. It wouldn’t be often, but once every couple weeks. Just to see how she was doing. To tell her about my life. We could start slow and see what happened.

  He supported me without blinking, and once she’d agreed to let me know before coming to games, I relaxed.

  It gave me time to prepare to see her, and honestly? I wanted to talk to her with Ryann by my side.

  Jonah: Where are you?

  Jonah: Ry, please. I need to talk to you. It’s fucking important. I’m so sorry.

  No response.

  If this was punishment, this sucked. But she wasn’t petty and didn’t play games. Did something happen? My stomach tightened with guilt at knowing I did the same thing to her and it was ten at night and if she wasn’t home or at work… where would she be?

  I checked the apartment before getting a little desperate. She had a few friends but rarely went out with them because like me, she was more introverted and hesitant to trust. Fuck. I loved her so much. I needed to feel her against me and smell her and kiss her.

  I about pulled my hair out of my scalp when my phone dinged.

  Ryann: Hey, sorry. Phone was on silent. I’m at work.

  Thank the goddamn lord.

  I booked it out of the place, locking up and jogging down the stairs. I ran the six blocks to the café and sprinted inside. The damn bell chimed, and she looked at me over the counter, her eyes widening in surprise

  “Jonah,” she said, her gaze sweeping across the café with a few students at a small table before landing on me again. “What are you—why are you out of breath? Did you win?”

  I didn’t even think. I ran toward the counter to the moveable shelf that she lifted to get behind the register and went through it to reach her. She dropped the bag of coffee in her hands, the grounds spilling everywhere, but I didn’t give her the chance to pick it up. I closed the distance between us, needing her more than I knew how to express, and I gently cradled the back of her head before lowering my mouth to hers. She moved her arms around my waist, gripping me tight, and I felt like flying.