I grip the pen and write the number, grab the vial, and stick it in my pocket. Tomorrow, Allison will be given the next dose of the actual medication and I pray this will be the cure she needs, keeping Bryce from ever feeling the pain of losing anything else. I look back down at the vial, memorizing the numbers so I can adjust her chart, peel the label on the vial she actually received and swap it with this one. It’ll look like they were always this way now.
I’ve . . . done it.
My heart pounds as I rush out of the lab before anyone sees me and head down the hall. I need to change out the scan code on the bag in the machine to match the vial that I’m holding now. That’s the only loose end.
Now that I’ve gone this far, I can’t stop. I have to make sure that I do my best to cover my tracks.
My mind is racing, my stomach in knots as I knock on the door to finish the goal I have.
“Dr. Adams,” Allison says as I enter the room.
“I just need to check your machine,” I say with a strangled smile. My throat is tight and I feel out of control. The ground isn’t the same as it always was. Now it has cracks, flaws, and uneven edges that I’m tripping on.
“Are you okay?” she asks as she glances at Bryce.
No. I’m not okay. I’m not even sure what I’m doing, other than following my heart. I’ve come this far, I can’t go back now.
“I’m fine. I just have to make sure there are no errors on the paperwork,” I say, looking at Bryce for the first time. I see the panic in his eyes, but I nod, hoping he’ll understand to trust me.
I walk over to her chart and look at the code, it’s two numbers off. If I make it too obvious, it’ll be suspicious. One of the zeroes could be made into a six. It’s the easiest to change, and something that could have been a simple mistake. I strike a line through it, initial, and rewrite it with the six as though the new vial is what she received today. If anyone asks, I can say I wrote the wrong number the first time and needed to fix it.
“Everything looks great,” I say as I close her chart. “I’ll be back tomorrow and then you’ll have a few days off.”
Allison smiles. “At least I’ll have this week before the fun really starts.”
“Yeah,” I twist my hands as my adrenaline starts to ebb. “Have a good night.”
Bryce rises from the chair and extends his hand. “Thank you, Dr. Adams.”
I shake his hand and then pull back. “Don’t thank me. I’m doing my job.”
My legs are like jelly as I walk out the door and I grip the edge of the counter outside to keep myself from falling.
Holy fucking shit, what did I just do?
Chapter 22
I open the door to Westin’s apartment, unsure how I even got here. I’m in a haze, things are going on around me, but I don’t register anything.
I did something potentially stupid, and now I can’t undo it. The time on the clock says eleven forty, and I grip the back of the chair for support. Where have I been the last few hours?
I remove my coat and boots, and make my way to the bedroom. Westin lies there, snoring lightly. I strip down to my underwear and climb into bed. He doesn’t move, and the tears I’ve fought back all night finally fall, soaking the pillow.
I miss my mother.
All the years of grief I’ve stuffed down deep rises to the top, spilling over and leaving me raw. She should be alive right now. If I never lost her, none of this would’ve happened. The course of my life would have been very different.
How can it hurt so much this many years later?
Westin rolls over, his eyes meet mine and he shifts up on his elbow. “Are you crying?”
I’ve only cried once in front of him, and it was two years ago when I thought my father had cancer.
“I lost Mrs. Whitley,” I say as a sob escapes my throat. Saying the words out loud brings it all forward. “I lost her, Wes. She died and it was like going back in time.”
“What do you mean?”
I look at him, wanting to say everything and nothing at the same time. “My mom. It was like . . . just . . . I-I’m a doctor. I should be used to this. I d-don’t know why I’m crying.”
Westin doesn’t say a word, he just pulls me to his chest. I wrap my arms around him, holding on because he’s the only thing I know is safe right now. “You loved her,” he says as he rubs his fingers in my hair. “That’s why you’re crying.”
The sounds that fill the air terrify me. I cry for the patients I’ve lost, for my father, my mother, the mess that is my life, for Bryce and his wife, and for a woman I never should’ve allowed myself to get so close to. There’s no stopping the tears, I have no control over my body in this moment. “I’m so weak,” I admit.
“No, baby. You’re not weak, you’re human and have a lot of shit going on. Mrs. Whitley was a wonderful woman.”
I nod. “She was like my mother in so many ways.” I turn my head to look at him through the tears.
“Yeah?”
“She met her husband when she was a young girl, like my parents. They struggled to make ends meet, but it never broke them.”
He wipes a tear falling down my face. “You’ve never told me about your family.”
How could Westin be so important in my daily life but know nothing about me? Oh, because I wouldn’t let him in. I’ve fought against feeling more than friendship because of fear.
“They were hippies who smoked a lot of pot,” I sigh. “A lot. They loved each other more than anything else in the world. We grew up poor, but Everton and I had no idea because we wanted for nothing. Mom had ovarian cancer and her clinical trial helped, but not enough. There are so many things I didn’t know that I would’ve done differently if I was her doctor.”
His lips turn up into a sad smile. “You couldn’t save her, Ren. I see the look in your eyes, it’s the same one I had when my brother died. It’s not your fault, and you can’t save everyone.”
Six years ago, Westin’s brother was in a horrible accident, one that left Westin watching another neurosurgeon operating on him, but he was too far gone. We were both interns at the time and I’ll never forget the way he looked that day.
“Isn’t that my job?” I ask with so much pain in my voice even I can hear it. “Our job is to save everyone! I didn’t save Mrs. Whitley!”
He sits up, pulling me with him. “You’re not God. You can’t save everyone and you’d be a fool to think you can.”
“Then I’m a fucking fool!” I scream. “We’re supposed to do more.”
He takes my face in his hands, holding me so we’re nose to nose. “Do you not think you did enough? Seriously? You were there for her when her son wasn’t. You made her smile, laugh, and gave her hope. Fuck, Ren, you did more for her than most doctors would. You never gave up on her. You care more about your patients than anyone I know. You don’t see it, do you?”
I shake my head.
“You’re an exceptional doctor because your patients become a part of you. Watching you, and the way you treat your patients, has made me a better doctor. You give them everything.”
My body is trembling, but Westin holds on tight. He has no idea what I’ve given, and it could just take everything I’ve worked for. Westin is a far better doctor than me.
“So do you,” I say as tears fall. I think about the man he is, the man who learned to flash mob just for his patient. The doctor who is so broken down at the end of the day, but gets up ready to fight the next.
“Which is what makes me drawn to you. I see you, all of you, and I know that you struggle, but I’m here. I’ve been here for two years whether you wanted me or not.”
I’m such a mess. I look into his beautiful green eyes, wishing he could repair all that I’ve done. The wrongs that need to be righted. But I know he can’t. If only I had just been a little stronger and trusted in him before I went stupid and lost my mind . . . but I didn’t.
I realize how many moments we’ve lost because I was too afraid he might leave me.<
br />
“I’m so sorry, Westin,” my lip trembles.
“For what?” he asks as he moves my hair back.
I’m sorry for much more than I can admit to. I hate that I’m seeking comfort from the man I just betrayed. He sees the good in me, but will he still want the ugly?
“I . . . was so . . . stupid,” I start to confess. I need to be honest with him. Give him the truth so he can tell me what to do.
“Serenity, if this is about before, I don’t need to know. Just don’t get involved with a patient’s husband.”
“No,” I cut him off. “It’s not like that. I swear, it’s not like that at all, nothing even close to what you’re insinuating. You’re the only man I care about in that way.”
“Then whatever is going on, I really don’t want to know. I trust you and I’m sure it’ll be fine.”
Guilt slams into me like a freight train, crushing me under its weight. If he ever finds out what I did, he’ll suffer as well. Because of Westin’s surgery, I was able to switch the medications easily. No one ever saw the original vials or signed off on the trial paperwork. If they look back on the records, someone could figure it out, but since they didn’t sign the daily log, their asses are on the line as well.
He trusts me, and I’m a fraud.
I can’t do this to him. I was selfish and not thinking.
“Westin,” I plead for him to listen to me. “I have to tell you.”
“No!” he raises his voice, dropping his hands. “Right now, you’re emotional and whatever you say can’t ever be taken back. You have to sleep. You have to get through tonight, and then tomorrow you’ll understand what I’m telling you. You have to shut your mouth. I’m not just your boyfriend, I’m also an advisor and hospital board member, and I will have no choice but to report whatever it is you say. Let me protect you, please.”
It’s me who has to protect him, I realize. If this comes out, it’ll ruin his chances at chief. He’s made an error and it’s my turn now to protect him. I can’t hurt him. I’ve done enough of that.
“Okay,” I acquiesce. Telling him ties his hands and if I can keep him out of it, if anyone ever finds out, I’ll be the one to take the fall. Not Westin.
He lies down, pulling me tight against him, and I don’t say another word. After a few minutes, Westin’s breathing evens out as I stare at the wall. Tomorrow maybe this will all be a dream. I can wake up, realize none of this was real, and relax because I didn’t just single-handedly fuck up my entire life. Maybe.
But I know the truth, this was all real, and the nightmare has just begun.
Westin and I walk hand in hand to work. I woke up with a promise to act normal. I made my choice to keep this from him, and now I have to do everything in my power to ensure those around me don’t pay the price.
“Do you have surgery planned today?” Westin asks.
“Yeah, I have one early this morning, but after that it’s just rounds. I’ll check on my trial patients, visit with . . .” I stop myself. I can’t visit with Mrs. Whitley, she’s gone.
Wes squeezes my hand. “I’ve got a full caseload today.”
“Okay, so maybe we’ll see each other later?”
He winks with a grin. “I sure hope so.”
Last night was a real turning point for me. I realized just how much Westin means to me. I want him to succeed and become chief, or whatever he wants to be.
Now that I’ve done something to jeopardize that, it’s tearing me up inside.
“I’ll text you when I’m done, okay?” I ask.
“Of course, have a good day.” He gives me a chaste kiss as we head in opposite directions.
My day is pretty easy. I get through my first surgery without any issues. I’m able to push all my shit down and just focus on what I’m good at. Martina watches me as I lean against the sink with a sigh. I’m exhausted.
“I’m sorry again about Mrs. Whitley,” she says as she tosses her surgical gown into the bin.
“I’m glad she’s not suffering.”
“I’m sure that wasn’t easy for you,” she notes.
“No, it wasn’t,” I admit. It made me snap and have a complete lapse in judgment, but I can’t tell her that.
She moves toward me, leans in, then pulls back, and repeats the movement again. “What are you doing?” I ask her.
“Deciding whether or not I should hug you.”
I laugh and shake my head. “You’re insane.”
“I just know she became family to you, Ren. I also know how personally you take not being able to save the world.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to save anyone when I can’t even save myself. “I’d rather not talk about it.” Honestly, it’s making me nervous to think about anything that happened yesterday.
“I understand,” Martina says. “So, things are going well with you and Dr. Grant?”
Another topic I’d rather avoid. No doubt Julie and Martina have been gossiping. They’re roommates and they don’t believe in secrets.
“They are.” I nudge her. “He’s a good guy.”
“Finally!” she giggles.
“Dr. Adams,” Dr. Pascoe calls my name as he enters the scrub room. “Can I have a minute?”
“I’ll just go check on the OR and make sure it’s cleaned up,” Martina says looking between us and then hurries out with an apologetic smile.
Panic fills my stomach as the door closes. The air is sucked out of the room while he stands there in silence. This can’t be good. He knows something or maybe someone saw me last night. I wasn’t thinking clearly and probably fucked something up.
“How are you?” he asks.
Ready to shit myself. “I’m fine. You?”
Keep it cool, Ren. Just breathe and act normal.
“I’m doing well. Is the trial going well?”
“So far,” I almost choke on the lie. I need to do better than this. “How’s Monica?”
“Good, she’s doing good. I wanted to talk to you because I have it on good authority that the current chief of surgery will be stepping down in the next month. Do you think you’ll put in for it?”
If I could let out a huge sigh, I would. The tension in my body loosens as I realize this has nothing to do with yesterday.
“I don’t think so. I really haven’t thought about it.” Which is partially true. I had wanted the position years ago. It was what I was working toward, until I realized I’d never get to work on patients other than when I pushed my way into the operating room. There’s also an insane amount of paperwork, politics, and listening to doctors bitch, and I’d rather avoid that.
“Really? I figured you would be one of the top candidates.”
“Maybe a few months ago I would’ve been,” I explain. Now, though, I don’t deserve it. “I think there are others who would thrive in that position. I really like being with patients.”
He smiles. “I can see that. It definitely is a game changer in regard to practicing medicine. Well, I wanted to see your interest level before I recommended you.”
That throws me back. “Recommended me?”
Dr. Pascoe nods with a grin. “I think you’d make a great chief.”
Another wave of guilt hits me. If he ever finds out, he’ll be disappointed in the choice I made. While I know it was a grave mistake, it was in the best interest of my patient. Allison and Bryce didn’t need to have that drug withheld because of a technicality.
If I had never lost Lindsay from the trial, Allison would’ve gotten the drug, but since she was cut, the folder with the placebo fell to Allison in the lotto.
At least that’s the load of bullshit I’m feeding myself.
“I’m sure there are more qualified people. I think Dr. Grant would be an excellent choice, but I appreciate you thinking of me,” I smile. It does mean a lot that he thought enough of me to consider my name.
He nods and then claps his hands, making a loud boom. “Well, I better get back to my stacks of paperwork.”
“Soun
ds fun. Please tell Monica I said hello.”
Now, to follow up on my other trial patients. They should’ve received their next dose, Allison receiving the new vial with the mixture she didn’t get yesterday.
I decide to check on her first. Maybe if I get it over with, I won’t feel so off balance. I grab my files and head in.
“Good morning,” I say as I enter.
“Good morning, Dr. Adams,” Allison says with so much happiness, it’s infectious.
This woman always has a smile on her face. As much as I was dreading this, being around her instantly makes the traces of regret vanish. She’s a warm light you can’t help but feel better around.
“How are you feeling?”
“Good, I’m almost done and then we can go to our apartment.” She looks over at Bryce. “I haven’t gotten to see it yet, but I’m sure it’ll be perfect.”
His eyes are trained on me, and I focus only on her. “I’m sure it’s great.”
She nods quickly. “I’m excited to be out of the hospital.”
Sometimes I feel like I live in the hospital, so I know the feeling of being sentenced to serve time here.
Bryce grips her hand. “When can we expect to be released?”
It’s the first time he’s addressed me since all that was said on the street, and I don’t know what it is, but I don’t feel that flutter in my stomach when I look at him. Instead, there’s a sense of—finality. After everything that happened last night, I saw myself clearly for the first time. I’d been holding onto this love that couldn’t endure. My heart was refusing to let anyone else in, and I’d been a fool.
I had allowed the wound that was Bryce to fester, and now it’s time to heal.
“Tomorrow morning. We’ll finish up this round of medication and as long as her vitals are good, we’ll release her, and then she’s due back in two weeks for the next dose.” I turn to Allison who is beaming.
“Did you hear that? We have two whole weeks off!”
You’d think I told her she was pregnant, she’s so happy.
You Loved Me Once Page 17