You Loved Me Once

by Corinne Michaels

  Our tongues slide together, reveling in the wet warmth. His shirt falls to the floor, and he tears open my buttoned blouse, while our lips stay fused.

  God, he kisses like no one else.

  Gone is the tender man who held my hand as I cried, explaining to my father what he needed to do to make sure I didn’t force him to move from his home. Who didn’t cringe when he saw the home I loved as a child in disarray. The sweet man who promised my father we’d come back and work on his car that runs perfectly fine just so we could check in on him more.

  This is the Westin I need right now. The dominant man who will force me outside of my mind.

  His fingers tangle in my hair and he tugs it to the side, pushing deeper, making me feel him in every part of my body.

  “Don’t run away anymore, Ren. Stay here with me.” His green eyes are full of emotion.

  “I’m not going anywhere.”

  His lips are back where I want them, and then he’s moving down my body, kissing my neck, my shoulders, before finding my breast. Westin’s eyes meet mine as he takes my nipple into his mouth, I look away and he stops.

  “Watch me,” he commands, “watch me love you.”

  “Wes,” I say pushing my fingers through his hair.

  Westin’s eyes are full of some emotion I can’t name. “You need to see. You need to see that I’m right here.”

  My chest tightens as I watch his mouth lower, keeping our eyes locked. With a tenderness that he’s never shown, he runs his lips across my skin, leaving a trail of goose bumps in his wake.

  The voice in my head that always shuts down when Wes gets too close is screaming at me to stop this. There’s another side of me, though. The one that knew how to love someone once upon a time, and that part of me is euphoric right now. For so long, what we’ve shared in the bedroom has been just sex. This time, I know it’s not.

  There won’t be a rollover and see you at work. I know that when I give myself to him, it’s more than just my body he’ll take.

  Westin will have my heart.

  He places his lips on my chest, right where the organ that hasn’t been whole resides, and he kisses me. “I’m going to make you forget all the pain you suffered. I don’t know what happened to you to make you keep pulling away,” he says as he moves back up so we’re nose to nose. “Know this, I’m not going anywhere.”

  My fingers brush against his face. “I’m tired of running, Westin. I’m tired of fighting everything inside of me that wants to feel something more. So, if I fall, are you going to catch me?”

  His eyes close, and when he opens them again, there’s not a trace of doubt. “Always.”

  A tear falls down my cheek at the promise in his voice. I really hope it’s true because I’m hanging on the edge of a cliff by my fingernails. If I slip at all, I’ll plummet.

  “Make love to me, Westin,” I request.

  With our breaths mixing, he moves towards my lips, gazing into my eyes the entire time. I’ve never uttered those words to him, I’ve always kept a barrier between us. It worked until my past came back in my life, reminding me why I was this way. Westin isn’t my past. He’s the man I want to make room in my dresser for, and maybe one day he’ll share my home.

  When our lips touch, my head spins with recognition of this new reality. It’s the coming together of two people who have been in this bed many times, but never fully. My fingers tangle in his hair and I pull my body against his, obliterating the remaining space between us.

  Westin’s hands roam my body, hooking under my leg, wrapping it around his hip. Both of us are lost as we grab onto each other.

  He moves his lips from mine, and this time I don’t take my eyes off him. “You’re so beautiful.” His voice is husky with desire.

  I go to open my mouth to say something about how hot he is, but his lips wrap around my nipple, and I can’t remember anything.

  He nips, sucks, and licks, driving me crazy. “Westin,” I groan, fisting the sheets when his other hand travels down my pants. With just the right amount of pressure, he starts to bring me higher.

  “Tell me, baby. Tell me you want this,” he pushes.

  “Yes! I want this,” I reply. “I want us.”

  I want everything. I want to forget everything around me and be in this moment because I have no idea when my house of cards could crumble. He’s the only thing that brings me any kind of solace. I’m done holding back, my walls are down.

  Funny that it took being faced with something I thought I wanted to realize that what I already had was all I ever needed.

  Now, I don’t know if I’ll be able to hold onto him, but I pray I can.

  Westin pulls my pants off, and removes his. His lips are back on mine and I wrap my hands around his erection. He moans into my mouth as I pump up and down, loving the noises he makes.

  “I can’t wait, Ren. I need to be inside you,” he says and then nips at my ear.

  I know exactly how he feels. “Now, please,” I pant.

  Westin rolls the condom on, and when he’s in position, he stops.

  “What’s wrong?” I ask breathlessly.

  “Not a goddamn thing.”

  Our eyes lock, and my heart races because I can feel the energy shift. It’s as though two pieces of a puzzle are finally fitting after trying a hundred wrong ones. There’s nerves, excitement, joy, and fear all battling over different things. I worry that after this, losing him will be my demise.

  He grips my face in his hands, searching through the myriad of emotions undoubtedly playing in my eyes.

  Gently, he enters me and a tear escapes the corner of my eye. Years of locking myself down are over, the shackles are broken, and the past that has weighed me down has been lifted. How stupid I was to hold onto it, thinking it would protect me.

  Westin rocks back and forth slowly, loving me in a way I’ll never forget. He doesn’t have to say the words because I feel them. I’ve known it for a long time. Westin is in love with me and I’ve just fallen for him.

  I just hope it stays that way if he ever finds out what I’ve done.

  It’s been two weeks since I last saw Allison and Bryce. My life since then has been damn near perfect. Westin and I have had a little more time since I’m not bogged down with the trial, and his caseload is light as well. We’ve enjoyed the slower pace and it couldn’t have come at a better time because today, my trial patients come back for their scans, and then tomorrow the doses start again.

  I’d like to believe this won’t affect the amazing state my life is in, but I’m a realist, and I know this will put another kink in the line. Not because I worry that seeing a man I loved so much will hurt, but because I’m reminded that I’m not the woman I’ve prided myself on being when he’s near.

  “Hey, you,” Julie says as I sit in the corner of one of the consult rooms. I like to hide here when I need time to chart.

  “Hey,” I smile.

  She enters the room and plops down next to me. “Charting?”

  “The one thing they fail to talk about in med school,” I laugh. “It’s really such a pain in the ass.”

  “Yet another reason I love my specialty,” she smirks.

  “Yeah, yeah, whatever. How are you? Sorry I bailed on drinks yesterday,” I say while putting the pen down.

  “It’s fine.” She pops a grape into her mouth. “Martina came, we drank, ate an inhuman amount of food, and she went home with some guy. Did you work late?”

  I tap the pen against the table. “No, I was with Westin.”

  She leans forward. “You blew off beer dip for your boyfriend?”

  “I did.”

  “Well,” she sinks back with her arms crossed over her chest. “Look who finally got her shit straight.” Julie looks all too pleased. “I was hoping this day would come. I feel like my little girl is growing up.”

  “Whatever.”

  “So, things are good?” she asks.

  “They really are. Thank you, Jules. Seriously, thank you.”<
br />
  She tilts her head and purses her lips. “What for?”

  It was after she was a good enough friend to be honest with me that I was able to see my life clearly. She really pushed me out of my head, and that is what helped me truly face my feelings for Westin, and trust him with my heart.

  “For being who you are. Even when I don’t want to hear things, you’re always honest. If you hadn’t made me face facts, I would’ve kept pushing him away because it’s all I’ve ever done.” I clasp her hand.

  “I’m really happy for you. Westin clearly loves you, and guys like him don’t come around often.”

  I nod. “I know. I’m just trying to hold onto it for as long as I can.”

  Julie’s head turns and she looks confused. “What does that mean?”

  Shit. I can’t tell her the truth because that would lead to more questions about what I did, and I don’t know if Julie could get tangled in the mess since the meds were kept in her lab. Oh, God. I feel sick.

  “Just that guys get bored once there’s no chase.” I try to sound humorous, but it comes out strangled.

  “You’re an idiot, but I love you anyway. I need to get back to work. Don’t flake on me next week.” She gets to her feet, pops another grape into her mouth, and walks out the door.

  Once I’m alone again, I wipe my sweaty palms on my pants, and close the files. My momentary lapse in judgment could affect so many people. I didn’t think, and it’s too late to do anything now.

  I grab the charts, no longer having the mental capacity to do them, and drop them off at the nurses’ station. I have about twenty minutes before I will get the scan results of my trial patients, and then I’ll visit each one.

  Deep breaths, Serenity.

  As I make my way to the cafeteria, I turn the corner and slam into someone. “Shit!”

  “Sorry!” the deep voice says. “I was in a rush . . .”

  I look up, knowing who it is, and release a heavy sigh. “It’s fine, Bryce.”

  “Chick, wait,” he grabs my wrist as I’m starting to walk away.

  “I really need to go,” I tug my hand out of his grasp.

  My stomach doesn’t drop and no butterflies flutter at his touch. Instead, I notice that it’s not warm, like Westin. Bryce feels cold and rough, and I don’t like the cold anymore.

  “I know, it’ll just take a minute.”

  There are a few people milling around the halls, and I know that if Westin were to see us talking, it would send the wrong signal. My feelings for Bryce are dead, just like the love we once shared.

  “I’ll be in to see Allison soon.”

  He takes a step closer, not listening to my not so subtle hint. “I’m sorry about that day at the bar. I just want to say . . .”

  His apology doesn’t change anything. The truth is, all of this is on me. I was the one who allowed his wife to stay in my trial. I knew it wouldn’t be good for anyone, and I should’ve never touched the drugs, no matter what I was grappling with. If Bryce had never put the idea in my head, I never would’ve done it, but that’s like saying someone commits murder because you give them a gun.

  I did this.

  I chose to risk my career and the man who is beginning to mean more to me than I ever dreamed because I was lost for a bit. I felt as though my world didn’t make sense after losing my mother and then Mrs. Whitley. Having Bryce around brought all of that doubt back and I questioned myself. Was I not fighting hard enough for my mother? Was I not doing enough for my patients? Was I willing to let another person lose everything because of me? The weight that rested on my shoulders was too much, and I broke. My morals and ethics were blurred, but they’re not now.

  I made the choice to change the drugs, and while no one truly knows other than me, I’m going to do the right thing from now on. I’ll treat Allison to the best of my ability, and her husband will be like every other spouse.

  “Mr. Peyton, you don’t owe me any apologies.” I take a few steps as he stands there stunned. “I’ll be happy to answer any questions when I make my rounds.”

  “Don’t do this,” he says.

  “I’m sorry, but this is how it should’ve been all along,” I say as I leave him behind me, where he belongs. “Goodbye, Mr. Peyton.”

  Chapter 25

  “Scans look good, Ren,” Westin says as he reviews them beside me.

  “Yeah, no growth, so that’s always good. This one looks like it might have shrunk a little.” I compare the two reports side by side.

  It’s minimal, but I’ll take it.

  “Good, I have a surgery later, so I’ll sign off now.” Westin scribbles his signature and kisses the top of my head. “I’ll see you later.”

  “Save a life,” I say as he walks away.

  “That’s the plan,” he chuckles and exits.

  I gather everything up, and head in to see Allison. Her results showed no growth, but I’m a little concerned with a few of the other tests. When I get to the door, she’s yelling on the phone.

  Before I can get back out of view, she yells, “Wait! Dr. Adams! Mom, I have to call you back.”

  “I can come later,” I say.

  “No, no, it’s fine. I was just arguing with my mother about my wayward brother.”

  I smile. “I have one of those. When my mother died, he became even worse.”

  Allison groans. “I’m so sorry. I can’t imagine that was easy for you.”

  I shrug. “It’s life, right? We just have to deal with the cards we’re dealt. I’m lucky I have my father . . .”

  “And your sexy doctor boyfriend,” she wiggles her brows.

  “And him,” I agree.

  Allison tells me a little more about her family, and I’m amazed at how many things we have in common. She lost her father a few years ago, whereas I lost my mother. She’s a lawyer and a philanthropist and gives a lot of her time now to help her firm with cases that will help better the world.

  I’d like to think as a doctor, I do the same.

  “My brother is why I chose to become a lawyer. Someone had to be retained for all the illegal things he does,” she laughs, but it’s not funny. I can see the trouble in her eyes. “Family, right?”

  “Yeah, they’re something.”

  “So? We were just chatting away, and I’m sure you came in here for more than a chat, right? Is everything okay?” she asks.

  Crap. Yes, that’s the point of this, not to be her friend. I’m a little concerned with a few things on her bloodwork. It could be nothing, but I won’t run that risk.

  “The scans came back good,” I say quickly. That’s usually the biggest worry. “But your iron is a little low. How are you feeling? Are you dizzy or weak?”

  Allison rubs her stomach. “I’m really fine other than the cramping.”

  Cramping wouldn’t be caused by anemia.

  I move over to the side of her bed. “Can I take a look?”

  She nods.

  I press around. Her abdomen is firm, but that’s not necessarily abnormal. “I’m going to run a few more tests, order an ultrasound, and just ensure we’re seeing the whole picture.”

  “Okay,” she sighs. “I’m not going anywhere.”

  I pat her shoulder. “It’ll be okay, we’ll figure out what’s going on.”

  “Thank you,” she says and then crumples over, clutching her stomach.

  “Allison?”

  Her eyes are wide, and she’s holding her breath. “Damn it,” she cries out and then I watch the color drain from her face. “God, it hurts!”

  I hit the button to call the nurse in. Something is wrong.

  “Take a deep breath, Allison. I’m right here. Is it your stomach?”

  “Yes, it’s like stabbing,” she huffs.

  My training kicks in and I start to assess everything. I pull the sheet back, to find blood everywhere. Fuck. She’s hemorrhaging.

  A nurse runs in and I point to the door. “Get me an OR. Now.”

  A few other nurses and Marti
na come rushing in. Allison’s eyes are wide and tears start to form.

  “Allison, you’re hemorrhaging. It could be just a cyst that the scan missed. I need to go in and get the bleeding to stop, okay?”

  “It was just a little,” she says and her voice cracks.

  “You were bleeding before?” I ask.

  “Please,” she grabs my hand. “Please don’t tell him. It’s been days and I didn’t want to worry him.”

  “Who?”

  “My husband. I didn’t . . . I couldn’t tell him . . . please,” she begs, and her head falls back.

  Right now, none of that is my concern. I need to get her into surgery. My team moves around her, getting everything unhooked so we can move her.

  “Let’s not worry about that, okay?”

  She lifts her hand and then it falls limp. I bark orders at everyone. If her levels weren’t so off, it wouldn’t be a huge deal, but she can’t lose a lot of blood when she’s already low.

  We start to wheel Allison out and Bryce rushes in the room. “Allison!”

  “It’s okay,” she tries to perk up, but she has no energy.

  “What’s going on?” The fear is etched into each syllable.

  “Your wife has a bleed, and I need to go in and stop it. We’re going to prep her for surgery right away,” I explain.

  He shakes his head as if he can dispel the information I just gave him. “She was fine five minutes ago.”

  “Peyton, I’ll be okay,” she holds his hand, and he clutches hers.

  “Ali, I love you,” Bryce tells her.

  “I love you, too.”

  Martina clears her throat. “I need to get her down there, sir.”

  He smiles, pulls himself together, and releases her hands. “Okay,” his eyes don’t leave hers. “You’ll be okay.”

  Allison touches his face. “Go do some work. I’ll be back soon.”

  They kiss, and then she’s wheeled out. I start to make my way behind them, but Bryce moves, blocking my exit.

  I see the turmoil in his eyes, the fear and pain, and then resolve.

  “I know you’re angry with me,” he sniffs. “I’ve been a dick to you. I’ve asked you to do things I shouldn’t have, and I’m sorry. I need you to know that I’m sorry. I’m sorry I didn’t love you the way I should have.”