Dawn stumbled over the question, automatically looking toward the VIP booth where the band was, but he couldn’t spot Mage. “It’s just… you know, from the heart.”
Pete grinned. “Yeah? What can you tell me about Whisper in My Skin?”
Dawn swallowed, all his attention back on the man in front of him. Touching him as if it were the most natural thing in the world. Whisper in My Skin was a shameless song about the need for touch, about Dawn’s craving for Mage. “It’s… it’s about that moment when your body yearns for another, but can’t make the move. The lust is right there under the skin, but can’t get out.” Saying it out loud had Dawn feeling dirty, so he downed his beer and put the bottle away.
Pete moved closer, and when his scruff rubbed against Dawn’s smooth jaw, shudders pushed him that bit closer to the warm body next to his. He shut his eyes when Pete started singing into his ear.
“Whisper in my skin. A fire from within. I will cut myself open and invite your fingers in.”
Dawn gasped at the touch of fingertips sliding under his T-shirt, and to the small of his back. So maybe this wasn’t the man he wanted to hear those words from, or say them to, but the energy was right. Pete made Dawn’s skin tingle, and for once, Dawn wished to be like everyone else and let go. He slowly wrapped his arms around the stranger’s midsection, pretending to himself that this was normal for him, that he could totally act on impulse like Dusk, or have a one-night stand.
He could just enjoy it. Here. Now. He wanted to know how it felt to experience pleasure with someone else. The alcohol was already dancing in his veins, and he moved closer, rocking his hips against Pete. His lips tingled, and he wished to hide away, so that his bandmates wouldn’t see him, because ‘Dawn kissing a guy’ would definitely not go unnoticed.
“You like that, huh?” Pete asked, rubbing his lips and nose right next to Dawn’s ear.
Dawn slid one hand to Pete’s chest and couldn’t help but remember how Mage’s wet skin had felt before his body chickened out. “It’s nice…”
Pete hummed. “Is it an excited nice or just nice?”
He was already leading the way to the edge of the crowd, even if gently.
“Exciting.” Dawn bit down a smile, unable to look into Pete’s eyes, but following his lead. His heart was beating faster by the second, but that was normal for anyone. It was the human experience to be short of breath when flirting.
“I know where we could go, if you’re up for it. Unless you want to have a drink at my place?”
Going out would prolong things and take away the safety net of his friends being nearby. Besides, Dawn needed to go for it now, or he was at risk of freaking out again. His fingers already trembled. The club was much safer too, and he wouldn’t have to explain to his friends why he was leaving.
“Here.”
Pete grinned, and for a brief moment, his broken canine pulled on the lip. But when Pete kissed Dawn, the noise, lights, and people around them melted into a messy whirlwind.
He could hardly breathe, but he opened his lips and invited the tongue, beyond unsure about what he was doing. With Mage, everything had felt natural and right. With Pete, all the pleasure Dawn felt was purely physical. The difference between making s’mores with a friend over the campfire while cuddled up under a blanket, and shoving both Twix bars into his mouth at once.
But he froze mid-step, practically dragging Pete down with his weight when a warm hand closed on his shoulder. It was so familiar Dawn could have painted it from memory, if he had any talent for it, but knowing who it was paralyzed him so completely he forgot how to speak.
“Dawn, we were looking for you,” Mage said.
Pete inhaled a large gulp of air, hugging Dawn closer. “Oh man, Mage! I’m a huge fan! I play bass myself.”
Dawn flushed so hard any blood that had before gone down to his dick went straight back up to his face. “I… yeah, this is P-pete,” he uttered. Maybe he shouldn’t have done this at an Underdogs after-party, after all. Maybe he should have just arranged a date with someone met on the Internet. But then that would have been dangerous and even more stress-inducing. Here, at least, he was in company and could count on help of staff and patrons.
Mage offered Pete his hand before transferring his insistent gaze to Dawn. He wasn’t happy with this development. Dawn knew him well enough to see past the polite smile and the casual way he asked Pete whether he’d enjoyed the concert.
This wasn’t good at all. He had to stand on his toes to whisper into Mage’s ear. “It’s okay, really.”
Mage looked back at him, his mouth briefly twitching. Seconds stretched as if they were made of bitter toffee, but in the end Mage pulled back. “Uh. Enjoy the after-party.”
Pete laughed. “I might just try to sneak my way to your table later!”
Nerves had only been taking root inside of Dawn before, but as they parted, Pete pulling on his hand and leading him away, they became a tangle every time Dawn thought back to Mage’s expression. It felt judgemental. Mage wasn’t impressed that Dawn had chosen to hook up with a stranger, and just thinking about it made the wound in Dawn’s chest bleed. If only Mage knew that this was part of a bigger plan that would lead Dawn back to him, then maybe he could begin to understand.
Dawn followed Pete to the back of the club like a zombie with no lust for anything, his head pulsing once they passed a guard and went down the stairs, toward double doors, which revealed red light through a crack between. An older guy left the underground area as they approached, and when his arm brushed against Dawn’s, he was left wondering whether it had been accidental or not.
Music pulsed down here like a heartbeat, but once they passed through the doors, noise was the last thing on Dawn’s mind. To his immediate right, a man kneeled in front of another. He couldn’t see everything, but Pete’s movement was the only thing that kept him from freezing in place.
As his soon-to-be-lover’s hand trailed down the curve of his buttock, Dawn followed him through the maze of dividers that created convenient spaces for people to have sex in.
He was not ready for this.
He’d thought he was, but he wasn’t. Not at all.
Pete smiled into another kiss, backing Dawn into the little shadowy space, and all Dawn could think of was other people’s sweat on the walls, and that something slippery under his shoe could be another person’s cum.
Music became duller with every passing second, and all Dawn could hear was noises made by people who’d come for the same thing. Their shadows closed in on him, and when Pete pulled Dawn’s hand to his crotch, he fought the urge to run toward the nearest light source.
He’d been the one to provoke this, to want this. He was twenty-one and had no experience whatsoever. How on earth was he to give Mage what he needed if he never challenged himself?
Yet instead of getting him excited, feeling Pete’s cock harden in his jeans made Dawn lightheaded and numb. He couldn’t kiss and breathe at the same time anymore. The room was too hot, without windows, and waves of panic washed over his body.
Pete kissed his neck but eventually leaned back, glancing into Dawn’s face. “You okay?”
Dawn gasped for air, clenching his fingers on Pete’s shoulders and already feeling like a complete and utter failure. “No, I’m… I’m sorry. I need to sit down.” His heart thudded like mad, hands already sweaty, and he couldn’t force a deeper breath into his lungs.
Pete muttered something that sounded like a curse, but he pulled Dawn along, toward all the people they’d passed on the way here. “Okay, it’s probably the stuffiness. Come on.”
“I-I can’t…” Dawn whispered, his legs soft as butter. They gave under him so suddenly he fell to his knees. He would never get over this. He would be stuck in this anxiety hell forever.
Pete rubbed his back and helped Dawn sit down by the nearest wall. “What’s going on? Do you need a doctor?”
Dawn hid his face in his hands and shook it, dizzy from all the stress. No
matter how many times he’d gone through this, it didn’t help to know he was having a panic attack. His body would still tremble and make his heart pound as if he were about to die. And over what? Having sex? People had sex all the time. Why couldn’t he?
Pete squeezed his shoulder before darting to his feet. Dawn heard a brief conversation, but he couldn’t understand what it was about. He was all alone in this place that made so little sense to him, so he clung to the wall for at least a sliver of stability.
A pair of sneakers emerged from behind the wall, but Dawn couldn’t bring himself to look up at the menacing stranger. He pulled up his collar and struggled for air, wishing he’d had his hat on.
Chapter 7
The shot of vodka burned Mage’s throat, but he had one more, scowling when the bitter flavor got to him. Fans kept chatting him up, and he did his best to maintain a pleasant facade for their sake, but he was too shaken up to join his friends by their table in the other corner of the club. Dusk knew him too well to miss the signs that something was wrong, and he would have grilled Mage until he was forced to admit that Dawn had left to have sex with a perfect stranger.
Which was such a ridiculous concept Mage still considered the possibility that he’d dreamed it. Why would Dawn, the sweet angel of a human being, have suddenly decided he was gonna be a sex fiend and go off to dark rooms? It made no sense.
Mage wasn’t even angry with him, but with the situation as a whole. Was this something he’d have to get used to? Would Dawn start bringing guys to their shared hotel room? What the actual fuck?
A part of him, which felt sorry for himself suggested that perhaps this was Dawn’s way of showing Mage just how unavailable he was.
He looked at the handsome bartender who put another shot in front of him and downed that one too, shaking his head when the heat of the liquor trailed to his stomach.
He exhaled in barely-withheld anger when someone grabbed his shoulder, but hot fury turned to ice when he saw who it was.
“Where is Dawn?” he asked when he recognize Pete’s face. A stupidly friendly, handsome face that Dawn liked enough to follow to a dark room. But if Pete was here, not with Dawn, then something must have happened. Something bad.
Pete licked his lips and pulled on his arm. “He’s having some kind of attack. I left him with a guy I know, but he won’t move.”
“Jesus, fucking Christ! How could you just leave him?” Mage asked, already powering through the crowd. Logically, he knew Pete had done the right thing by coming to Dawn’s friend for help, but Mage still had to unload his anger somehow.
“He’s not alone. But I don’t know what’s up. We were just kissing, and then he got all jittery.”
Kissing. They’d been kissing. Mage had never heard more revolting words from another human being, and he wanted to knock all the teeth out of Pete’s mouth just so he couldn’t pronounce that sentence correctly ever again.
Pete led him past a sign that read Men Only and down a flight of stairs. His body hair bristled when he entered a stuffy room that smelled of thick cologne and sweaty bodies. The music was loud, and in a surreal moment, Mage caught a glimpse of two men fucking against the wall to the unforgiving rhythm of techno. He knew the concept of darkrooms, but he’d never been in one, and while he considered himself a relatively experienced guy, the sight of people having sex in the shadowy corners of the labyrinth of narrow corridors was weirdly intimidating. It was as if he’d suddenly landed on another planet, where one didn’t have to flirt and go on dates before scoring.
He could only imagine how this must have affected Dawn, who up until last month hadn’t known what fisting was. And he’d found out, courtesy of Dusk and Lolly telling him all about it.
Pete urged him forward, and Mage was grateful for the push, because this really wasn’t his scene, and he felt like he’d been tossed into the deep end of the Olympic pool after only ever playing in the kiddie one.
Pete scooted by the wall and only then, in the shadows, Mage spotted Dawn hugging his knees, with shoulders rising and falling all too fast.
He barely noticed Pete exchanging a nod with some other guy, because Dawn was all that mattered, and having him to focus on washed away all the insecurity triggered by this place. “Dawn. Dawn it’s me. I’m going to take you upstairs,” he said, cupping his friend’s pretty face and forcing his head up.
Dawn’s eyes were barely visible in the dark, but even in the sparse red illumination they glistened with tears. He kept taking big gulps of air, but after a moment of hesitation, unable to speak, he held his arms out to Mage.
It was a silent plea for help that ripped Mage’s heart open. He pulled Dawn into a firm hug. “It’s all right. You don’t have to be here. We can leave. We can do whatever you want,” he whispered, gently pulling him off the grimy floor.
Dawn’s legs were marshmallows, but he held on to Mage’s neck for stability. “P-p-please,” he uttered.
“Do you need any help?” Pete asked, and as resentful as Mage was toward him, he knew deep down that the guy had no ill intentions, so he just shook his head and led Dawn upstairs.
His brain was cooking with thoughts, but since Dawn was still struggling to breathe, he chose to wait with questions, and led him outside. The cool air was a relief to Mage’s lungs after the stuffiness of the darkroom, so he moved past a group of smokers, and across the parking lot adjacent to the club. He eventually stopped by their tour bus and helped Dawn sit on the pavement, but Dawn still grabbed his hand and held it as if letting go meant falling into an abyss.
It pained Mage to watch him struggle for breath, and he would have breathed for him if he only could have. But there wasn’t much he could do. Dawn was an adult and he needed to make his own choices, no matter how misguided.
Minutes passed as if they were years, and Mage took his time stroking the slim fingers in his grip. He was starting to get his hopes up that the worst was over when Dawn’s breathing seemed to have evened out, but the sob that followed was yet more crushing than the panic attack. He needed to know what was going on in Dawn’s head, or he wouldn’t be able to help him.
“What’s the matter?” he asked softly and rubbed Dawn’s back, noticing the dampness of the T-shirt.
“Why can’t I do this?” Dawn choked out with his eyes firmly shut.
Mage swallowed, still gently petting Dawn’s shaking body. He feared he knew the answer, but still asked. “Do what?”
Dawn turned and hugged Mage tightly. “Make love to anyone. It’s so easy, so disposable for everyone I know, and I’m just… broken.”
Mage squeezed Dawn before he could think it through, but the gesture felt right, so he stayed in that position, listening to the dull thud of music coming from the club, to the noise of passing cars, and to the sobs of the man he loved.
“I don’t think it’s that easy for most people. Everyone puts on a brave face.”
Dawn sniffed, and Mage couldn’t help but think about just how well he fit under Mage’s arm. “I had one shot with you, and I blew it. I’m trying to be ready. If… if… you ever wanted to try again.”
Mage’s mind stumbled, and he instantly forgot the things he’d planned to console Dawn with, because all he could think of was that Dawn was still considering him in a sexual way. “I—what? I thought you only kissed me because you were drunk,” he uttered in the end, nudging Dawn’s chin up as the temperature of his body rose.
Dawn pressed his face against Mage’s shoulder. “Drunk? I love you. I love you so much sometimes it feels like my heart is about to crack open and scream about it.”
Mage’s own heart was throbbing so powerfully it felt like it might burst from his chest. He squeezed Dawn’s hand and pushed the fluffy hair out of his damp eyes. Dawn looked so beautiful in the white light of the streetlamp—a picture of hope and grief that absolutely needed to be channeled somewhere.
“But… I also love you.”
The despair painted on Dawn’s face was so intense Mage needed to
kiss it away. “But I failed you. I coudn’t give you what you need, and if I actually had some experience, I’m sure it would have all gone down differently.”
Mage shook his head, too stunned to correctly put this together in his brain yet. “What? Is that what tonight was about? You went to a darkroom with a stranger to gain experience?”
Dawn played with Mage’s thumb and that little gesture made Mage’s heart soar. He still couldn’t believe what he’d found out. Dawn… felt the same as him? Mage soaked that knowledge up slowly, unsure of what to do now that their feelings for each other have been laid bare.
He stroked Dawn’s hair, giving the boy time when he struggled to answer. But whatever Dawn would say next, the future was already streamlined in Mage’s mind. If Dawn loved him, then they would find a way to move forward. There was no one sweeter, no one more tender, and no one Mage wanted to make love to more than Dawn. Because with Dawn, it would most definitely be about making love, not just hot fun.
“Yes,” Dawn admitted eventually. “And I managed to mess up even that.”
Mage counted to ten and pulled Dawn closer, his chest burning with something that encompassed both joy and sadness, and was incomparable to any other emotion he’d ever felt. “Dawn, it’s not a computer game. I’m so sorry I pushed you farther than you felt comfortable with. I’ll never do that again,” he said, pulling the slender hand to his lips. It was cool to the touch, and he wished he could suck on every single finger to keep them warm.
It was so strange, because Mage had never been with a man, but when it came to Dawn gender didn’t matter. Mage felt no cognitive dissonance, no weirdness, just love.
“But you need this, don’t you? We’re not kids. I should be able to give you this adult intimacy, but every time I try, I clam up.”
Mage looked toward the club, but in the dark nobody would recognize them from afar, and their friends likely wouldn’t question their absence during a party, so he tried to relax and search his mind for answers. And those weren’t easy.
The Underdogs Box Set - Books 1-3 (gay rockstar romance) Page 49