“I won’t lie, Dawn, I’m a sexual person, so I do need that kind of contact from a lover. But if you don’t, if you think you have to force yourself into it because of me—” He choked up, disgusted by the fact that Dawn didn’t actually want him that way yet felt compelled to try. Nothing good would come out of trying to create feelings that weren’t there.
Dawn squeezed his hand harder. “I do want s-sex. I imagine… things we could do. But then in the moment I get so overwhelmed. I don’t even know why. Dusk’s been hooking up from an early age, my parents are… you know.”—Swingers—“But I can barely talk to people. I’m trying to get better, I do want sexual things, but it’s like my body works against me.”
Mage shouldn’t have smiled as widely as he did, but he couldn’t help himself when a sense of relief soothed his entire body. Dawn having sexual thoughts about him made him giddy all over. “That’s all right. Not everyone gets there at the same pace.”
Very slowly, he leaned in and pulled his fingertip along the line of Dawn’s jaw, feeling the scratch of the afternoon stubble. He was still surprised how little such obvious manifestations of masculinity bothered him, but perhaps it shouldn’t matter. He still found Dawn irresistible—with stubble or without, with his clothes or without them, in whatever mood he might be in.
He loved him so much he would have even let him go if they weren’t a good fit, because if anyone deserved happiness, it was Dawn, who always tried to put everyone else’s feelings before his own.
Dawn swallowed and gave Mage a little kiss. He smelled of the raspberry shampoo that was his favorite, and it suited him, because his lips were just as sweet. Mage had waited to taste them for so long that it didn’t matter if the next year consisted only of making out. He would love that. He would love to hold Dawn tightly and cuddle for hours.
If Dawn was serious about wanting sexual contact, then they would get there eventually, in baby steps. Mage shut his eyes briefly, tasting Dawn with his lips, learning the subtle flavor behind his kisses that wouldn’t be given to just anyone. They moved closer, limbs filling empty slots, and mouths opening to allow for more contact, but as Mage’s tongue trailed halfway up Dawn’s, he remembered what had happened last time. A quick peck on the lips sealed the deal, and Mage rested his forehead against Dawn’s, marveling at the depth in his green eyes.
“You lead the way, then. I can wait as long as you need.”
Which didn’t mean he wouldn’t help Dawn deal with his shyness, because that was another matter, and Dawn clearly wanted to change things in that department.
Dawn entwined their fingers, and there was nothing prettier than his smile. “Should we keep it under wraps until the tour is over? I don’t want Dusk to freak out.”
Mage grimaced, but nothing could spoil this moment of happiness. At the end of the day, this was about Dawn and him, and there was no need to aggravate things. “I guess. You know how he can blow things out of proportion.”
“Yeah, over nothing. Remember that time he threw a fit because he woke up and there was no peanut butter?” Dawn laughed, and despite so much changing between them, everything was the same. They just knew more, and had gotten a bit closer.
Mage kissed Dawn’s ear, reveling in being able to do that whenever he wanted.
Chapter 8
Dawn’s hands were like warm silk, and they got bolder with each passing day. Still as gentle as a lamb, Dawn was everything Mage imagined he would be as a lover. After the memorable concert at the gay club, they’d spent two days travelling on the tour bus. Two endless days when Mage could only steal kisses and small touches, because the sleeping arrangements left little in terms of privacy. Everything about rediscovering Dawn was so fresh and delicious, he walked on clouds each day, to the point of leaving his guitar at a gas station once.
On the night they finally got to sleep together in one room, Dawn was putty against him, even though they only made out and kept things pretty chaste. The sole knowledge that Dawn not only fancied him, but loved him filled Mage with joy every time he thought back to those pretty lips saying the words.
As they’d lain in bed, holding each other and sharing kisses, Dawn told Mage all about his affection, about craving to be around him, about how he’d been ‘naughty’ and perved on Mage changing his T-shirt. The sole idea that Dawn could be in any way ‘naughty’ was so cute Mage had punished Dawn with tickles right away.
Even that had to be cut short in the end, because seeing Dawn smiley and red-faced under him got his mind wandering somewhere else altogether. Dawn wasn’t ready to take things further and Mage would gladly continue their new relationship one day at a time. Just being able to kiss him, hold him, and tangle Dawn’s hot tongue with his own was a revelation that would keep Mage sated for a long time.
He hadn’t often pondered the reality of being with Dawn before things happened between them like an avalanche, but now the Pandora’s box was open, and he had to deal with everything that came out of it. Dusk finding out was one thing, and Mage didn’t expect that to go as badly as Dawn seemed to fear, but dating a bandmate could be tricky. Mage did give it some thought, regardless of his own feelings, but ultimately chose to ignore the burn of fear, because his confidence in their love was rock-solid. Nothing could pull them apart now that they’d confessed their feelings to each other. Not only because Mage wanted it to work out, but because he would sooner break off all his fingers than let anything hurt Dawn.
Yet there was one more tricky issue to deal with. While confident in his sexuality, Mage had never really been confronted with it. He kind of knew he was bisexual, that he loved Dawn and couldn’t wait to one day get down and dirty with him, but actually living his life with a man was a whole different ball game, and he wasn’t certain he knew all the rules. His fantasies rarely went beyond him, Dawn, and a bed filled with pillows, but there were so many other issues to consider—how it would work in practice, how to handle homophobia, and so on.
Sooner or later, he would be sharing bits of this relationship with their bandmates, Dawn and Dusk’s parents, his parents. Maybe even with their fans, and he needed to be prepared for things to not always go the way he’d imagined.
But if he itched to hold Dawn’s precious hand in his, or to kiss him for no reason at all while grocery shopping, he would do so regardless of the nerves involved. Dusk had a much more easygoing attitude about being bisexual and still faced some hurdles on the way to a full blown relationship with Lolly. It would have been great to honestly talk honestly to Dusk about the whole thing, but that conversation had to wait, even if Mage’s tongue itched every time he was alone with Dusk. The guy was loud and kinda batshit, but an attentive listener, and between one crazy statement and a joke, Dusk could always plant a nugget of important truth.
One thing Mage would definitely not be sharing with Dawn’s brother, though, was the amount of research into gay sex he’d done in the past few days. He’d watched gay porn before, and he kinda knew what to do, but he was set on getting things right and not causing Dawn even the slightest discomfort. He’d toyed with the idea of having a chat about it with Sid, because the guy knew how to keep his mouth shut, but the risk of Dawn finding out Mage had shared their secret and betrayed Dawn’s trust was too high.
In turn, all the research made Mage think about sex even more than usual, to the point where Dawn just turning sleepily in his arms when they lay together could trigger his excitement. Mage’s new boyfriend was too sweet for words, and he couldn’t wait to sample more of him.
For now, Mage got his pleasure where he could, and it didn’t matter that they were already late. He pulled Dawn closer in the midst of getting dressed and kissed one of the beauty spots on his pale nape. He couldn’t get over the fact that he was kissing a guy, but it was because of wonder rather than weirdness. The two of them were meant to be the way Dawn’s guitar fit into his hands. If only one day Mage could play Dawn’s body with the same kind of mastery Dawn had over instruments and lyrics, he woul
d die a happy man.
“We need to get dressed and go,” Dawn said, but still turned in Mage’s arms for a kiss.
“Why are you teasing me, then?” Mage ran his fingers up and down the slender back.
Dawn buried his nose in Mage’s neck, and it felt like holding a bunny in his arms. A cute, fidgety, sexy bunny, which was all kinds of wrong and right all at once.
“I’m not! I was just standing there.”
“Exactly.”
Mage leaned down to kiss Dawn’s lips, wishing they didn’t have to leave the hotel room just yet, but fans awaited them in the lobby, so there was only so long he could extend the morning cuddles.
Dawn backed away to put on a T-shirt, and for a moment Mage wondered if perhaps they couldn’t stay in and make out all day after all.
“I was thinking that maybe I could get an emotional support animal. I always felt less anxious when Baby was still alive.”
Mage smiled at the thought of Dawn’s parents’ old dog. Called Baby, yet probably not much lighter than Dawn was now, the Chow Chow had gone with them on many walks and adventures when they were younger, especially eager to always chew on Mage’s shoe when he visited the Hills for band practice.
But a dog on tour? Even if it wasn’t a puppy but a grown animal, keeping it on the bus wouldn’t have been convenient or easy.
“You can’t hide behind a dog, sweetie. You’ve got to tackle this thing head on.”
Sweetie. He loved to call Dawn pet names because the boy deserved them all for being such a gentle person. His ID could state twenty-one all it wanted, but his lovely face didn’t look a day over eighteen.
Dawn groaned and put on his baseball cap. “I suppose…”
“It’s like a phobia, Dawn. You just need to be exposed to things gradually. You know, like people who are afraid of spiders learn to cope around them.”
Dawn tipped his cap up to look at Mage. “There’s this song I’ve been working on and I’d really love to sing it myself one day. Not just for you guys, but for our fans.”
Mage’s heart skipped a beat, and he pulled Dawn in for another hug. There was never enough Dawn in his arms. “That is so overdue, baby. You will be fantastic and everyone will love you. The song. You.” He laughed and, unable to help himself, picked Dawn up for a second. Maybe it was actually their relationship that would finally push Dawn out of his comfort zone and into being more confident.
Dawn hugged Mage tighter. “I don’t know about that, but I will try to make it happen. We’re gonna play at smaller venues a couple of times, so maybe that kind of setting would make it easier for me.”
“Exactly! You should come to the meet and greet with fans today.”
Dawn made a face and pulled away like a leaf dropping off a branch. “I’m not ready yet.”
This was it. This was the sink or swim moment. Mage needed to be stricter with Dawn if he ever wanted him to make any progress, and Dawn only seemed to need a little push. Mage had always thought Dusk’s approach of making Dawn do things was uncalled for, and that Dawn’s gentle soul needed to be sheltered, but he’d already witnessed where that led to. Dawn had proved his need for change when he’d ventured into that dark room. Too much, too soon, but the craving was clearly there.
So even if Mage’s instinct was to kiss Dawn on the forehead, cover him with a comforter, and let him stay in the hotel room, he said, “When will you ever be? Dawn, I’m serious.” He grabbed Dawn’s hands. “I’ll be there, the other guys too. You’ve got to take that leap at some point.”
Dawn made a face but nodded without much enthusiasm. His uncertainty was breaking Mage’s heart already, but something needed to be done. Feeding medicine to pets was unpleasant sometimes too, but at the end of the day it was for their benefit.
Dawn remained tense on their way down the corridor and in the elevator, and he leaned against Mage when they saw the crowd of chattering fans gathered in the conference room rented for the meet-and-greet. Mage put his arm around him and steered away, down a small corridor leading to an office adjacent to the main venue.
Dusk’s eyes smiled when they entered, and he patted Dawn on the back. “That’s the spirit. I knew my fame-hungry brother would come to outshine me one day.”
“Dusk, it’s not like that,” Dawn whined, putting his hands over his reddening face.
Lolly pointed to his pink T-shirt with #DULLY in bold, glittery letters. “Good, because there’s no way to outshine this.”
Sid snorted, stepping on a stool to peek through a tiny opening in the wall that divided the office from all the people and noise. “You’d have to get a boyfriend, Dawn, then a couple’s Instagram, make sure gossip sites write about you. Not worth it, really.”
Dawn put his arms up. “No, no! Nothing like that! I’m very happy with Dusk in the spotlight.”
Asher entered, dressed up in a pigeon-gray suit sharp enough to cut glass, and with his silver hair freshly shaved at the sides. He walked like he meant business, and even though Mage was technically still the manager, they all straightened up a little in anticipation.
Mage took the opportunity of everyone looking Asher’s way to give Dawn’s hand a squeeze for encouragement.
Asher raised his hands. “All of you, stay here. Nobody go in there yet. I have an announcement.”
Sid cocked his head. “Err… Don’t we have a packed signing to go to?”
“I told Gulliver to go let the fans know there’s been a few minutes of hold-up. It will be okay, I sent him off with donuts on your behalf. Terry Samwell is here, and he wants to talk to you. He’s been to yesterday’s gig, and he’s impressed.” Asher snapped his fingers in front of Dusk’s face. “He’s a big ass producer, so work your magic when we meet him.”
Terry Samwell.
Heat went to Mage’s head and created an explosion of molten lava in his brain. This was it. This could be the meeting leading to their big break, to a contract, to a deal he could boast about to his parents.
There was one voice missing in the unified cheer.
As soon as their eyes met, Dawn spoke quietly, so that no one else could hear him. “I’ll wait here. It’s okay.”
“Come on, Dawn. Please. Just be in the room. You don’t have to say anything, but this could be big. You can’t miss it.” Mage wanted to pull on Dawn’s hand and guide him through the process.
Dawn made a tiny sound like the whimpering of a foal. “I already agreed to go to the signing. I’ll be drained.”
This wasn’t just about Dawn’s anxiety, though. Mage craved for him to be there and hear compliments about his music. If there was something that could definitely boost Dawn’s confidence, it would be hearing from a big-name producer about how talented he was, how well his music resonated with others.
“Okay, stay here then, have some water, relax, but come with us to meet Samwell.”
Dawn made a face but nodded.
When Mage entered the conference room with his remaining bandmates, his head was too preoccupied with the upcoming conversation with Terry Samwell to really enjoy the signing. Still, he kept a professional face, talked to everyone, and had his pictures taken, all while his brain was hung up on a contract with a big record label.
An hour and a half later, he was endlessly glad to enter the relative quiet of the office and to see Dawn again.
When they headed to the meeting that could be a new stepping stone in their career, Mage stayed half a step behind Dawn, feeling as if he were a sheep dog herding a lost lamb to where it should go. He didn’t mind. From the first time he’d ever stepped in to protect Dawn, he’d never held back. If it hadn’t been obvious enough just how tender a man Dawn was, it became clear as day when he’d started composing. Even Dusk, who’d been reluctant to have his little brother in ‘their band’ admitted to Mage that Dawn was too talented to dismiss.
And soon enough, the whole world would know it too, because Dawn deserved recognition for his work.
They walked along the corridor, an
d took an elevator together all the way to the top floor where Terry Samwell was staying. Unlike them, he’d rented a whole apartment, and when he greeted them at the door, Mage could hardly believe he was seeing the legend in the flesh, let alone talking to him.
Samwell was around forty, with a blue streak in his long black hair. Trim and tall, so only the bags under his eyes gave away his age. He smiled widely and invited them all to sit down on the massive sofa around a coffee table.
Where their rooms could’ve used a bit of an update, Samwell’s apartment had a tall ceiling, floor-length windows giving a view of the city and clean, minimalistic decor in white, grey, and mint.
Asher introduced them all, and Mage joined in with a quick story of how their band came to be. So, perhaps he was talking a bit too fast, and got lightheaded, but what mattered was that, for once he was able to convey what a gem The Underdogs were to someone who could polish them until it blinded the entire world with its shine.
“We were on our fourth band at the end of high school and couldn’t ever stick to one sound. Other people came and went, but then Dawn played us the first song he composed, and everything fell into place.” Mage smiled at Dawn and patted his back.
Dawn only slouched more than before. “It wasn’t that good, really…”
Dusk snorted. “It was so good we used it for our new band name. It was called The Underdog. We’ve had ups and downs from there, but when Sid came in as our drummer, and we were set.”
“And Dawn also does the samples and keyboard. He’s like this… prodigy,” Sid added. “When I heard his music, I knew I wanted to be a part of this band, even though I’d played punk and metal before.”
Samwell nodded and leaned back on the sofa, focusing on Dawn. “So, you’re the mastermind, huh? I have to say, I think you’ve got something special going on. What makes you tick?”
Mage didn’t want to push too hard, but seeing Dawn move his lips but not speak made him nervous. They needed to make a good impression on Samwell, and when Dawn spoke about music, he was usually beyond eloquent. All he needed was some coaxing.
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