This Is How I Lied

by Heather Gudenkauf

  Eve looked at the clock. She had fifteen minutes before the bell rang and she was still on page one of the test. No matter how fast she wrote, she’d never finish in time. She shifted her paper and opened the first note. I’m sorry, it said and was signed with a sad face. Nick was always sorry, Eve thought as she unfolded the second note. Why are you being such a bitch? Eve abruptly stood, causing her desk to teeter precariously then right itself. The scratch of pens on paper stopped and all eyes were on her. Mr. Orso looked up with irritation. When he saw her face it was replaced with concern.

  “Eve,” he said, “are you okay?”

  Eve shook her head. “I don’t feel well,” she said, her voice croaking as if she had a sore throat.

  Mr. Orso scribbled out a nurse’s pass for her and leaving the test and the notes from Nick behind, Eve grabbed the pass and hurried from the room. Nick would be pissed that she didn’t take the notes with her though Eve figured he would finagle a way to get to them before Mr. Orso found them.

  From the classroom, she heard the scrape of a chair and heavy footsteps. “Sit down, Nick,” came Mr. Orso’s booming voice. “You can see your girlfriend later.”

  In the empty corridor, she reviewed her options. She could go to the nurse’s office and feign illness though she really didn’t feel great. Her head pounded from lack of sleep and her heart hammered with worry. The nurse’s office was the first place Nick would look for her. She could go hide out in the girls’ bathroom for a while but Nick would look for her there too.

  Eve approached the art room and paused in the doorway. The room was filled with several tables that sat six students each. The concrete block walls were covered in students’ artwork. There were self-portraits done in the style of Picasso and brightly colored tessellations and Neo-pop realistic pen and ink drawings. On the cluttered shelves were ceramic Faberge eggs and papier-mâché sculptures.

  The room looked empty and Eve decided she could hide out here until the bell rang and then head to her next class. Nick would probably come looking for her there too.

  “Eve?” A soft voice came from behind. “Are you looking for me?”

  Eve turned around to find Miss Cress looking at her expectantly. Eve had taken an art class as a freshman and was hopelessly inept at drawing a straight line or any line for that matter, but it didn’t matter. Eve loved the class or rather loved Miss Cress.

  “Come on in,” Miss Cress said to Eve. “You can help me set up for class.” This was another thing about Miss Cress. She seemed to know what you needed even if you didn’t. Eve followed her into the classroom. Jazz was playing in the background and the smell of paint and clay and dried flowers filled her nose.

  “How about passing these out for me?” Miss Cress handed Eve a stack of heavy paper and Eve began to place one at each seat. “What brings you to my neck of the woods?” Miss Cress asked as she followed behind Eve with a box filled with jars of ink and narrow wooden skewer sticks.

  Eve shrugged. What was she supposed to say? That her boyfriend could be scary? That her mother slapped her and her sister was exhausting? That she thought her neighbor was hitting on her? That her best friend was mad at her and might be involved with an older man? No way.

  Eve finished passing out the papers and Miss Cress pointed to a table where jars filled with water sat. Eve picked up two jars at a time and began placing them in the center of the other tables. “Have any fun holiday plans?” Miss Cress asked.

  “Not really,” Eve murmured as she arranged the wooden skewers and paintbrushes just to the left of each paper. She felt like she was setting a table for dinner. “Just Christmas with my mom and sister.”

  “Listen, Eve,” Miss Cress said, “if something is going on, you know you can talk to me.”

  Eve hesitated. “I don’t know what to think anymore,” she said, trying to keep back the tears. “I don’t know if I’m making too big of a deal out of something.”

  Miss Cress twisted her hair into a tight knot and using one of the paintbrushes as a hair clip, fastened it into place at the back of her head. “If you’re worried about something then you’re not making too big of a deal—sometimes saying the words out loud helps.”

  “It’s a lot of things. It’s just really complicated. I think I’m in over my head,” Eve said, using Maggie’s words. “I’m not sure if I should say anything. People could get hurt.”

  “Eve, but if someone is hurting you, physically or emotionally, I can help.” Miss Cress gave her a sad smile. “You deserve the best, you know.”

  Eve felt her face grow hot. Miss Cress was the second person who told her this today but why did it sound so different coming from her mouth than Cam Harper’s? “It’s not like that, really. I’m fine. I’m worried about someone else. I just... I’m sorry I even mentioned it. It wasn’t anything.”

  “Hey, Eve,” came a voice from the hallway and Eve stiffened. “What are you doing in here? I thought you were sick.” It was Nick. Why couldn’t he just leave her alone?

  Miss Cress put a protective arm around Eve’s shoulder. “Aren’t you supposed to be in class?” she asked.

  “I just wanted to make sure she was okay. Are you okay, Eve?” Nick asked gently. He was so good at making sure that adults saw this side of him. Attentive, affable.

  “I’m better now,” Eve said, not quite able to meet Nick’s gaze.

  “Good. I’ll walk you to class.” Nick reached for her hand. “Come on. Let’s go.” Eve took a step forward but Miss Cress stepped between the two of them.

  “I asked Eve to help me out for a minute,” she said and the bell trilled, signaling that it was time to move on to the next class. “You better get going, Nick,” Miss Cress said. “You’ll be late for your next final.” With a scowl, Nick stomped down the hallway. Nick wouldn’t openly defy a teacher. He might slash her tires in the dark of night, but he wouldn’t argue with Miss Cress in public.

  “You better get to your next class too,” she said to Eve. “You’re going to miss your test.”

  “Can I stay here for a while?” Eve asked hopefully. “I’ll talk to my teacher. She’ll let me make up my test. I just can’t concentrate right now.”

  Miss Cress hesitated but then nodded. “Do you want to tidy up the supply closet for me? I’ve been meaning to do it for ages.”

  “Sure,” Eve said. “Thank you.”

  Eve stepped into the dimly lit supply closet as the classroom flooded with students and their happy chatter. In a few hours it would be holiday break and they would all bolt from the school to their own homes, their own lives. Despite her trepidation about Nick and the fights with her mom and sister, an almost childlike excitement wrapped itself around her. Eve knew she wasn’t going to get much for Christmas, but she would get a book or a pair of silly socks and they would make homemade pizza for dinner. Maybe it would be a happy Christmas this year. That’s all Eve really hoped for.

  Eve spent the next forty-five minutes organizing paint bottles, reams of paper and boxes filled with random art supplies. A student came to the closet. “Miss Cress was wondering if you can find another box of ink in here.”

  Eve scanned the shelves for the box filled with jars of ink and found it next to bottles of paint and glue. She wrestled the box down, turned to go back into the classroom. Miss Cress was standing at her desk, phone pressed against her ear, her face tight with concern. She murmured a few words into the receiver and then hung up and her eyes landed on Eve.

  “Eve,” she said, “you need to go to the office right away. It’s about your sister, but let’s plan on touching base right after school. Come back to my room after the final bell and we’ll talk for a few minutes in private, okay? We need to talk about Nick.”

  Eve stepped from the supply closet and nodded but she wasn’t scared or worried. Nola must have done something to get into trouble. Maybe she exacted revenge against the kids on the bus o
r got kicked out of class for mouthing off to a teacher. Eve didn’t know, but whatever it was, it was usually Nola’s fault.

  She handed the box of ink to Miss Cress and slunk from the room. Miss Cress followed her out to the hallway. “Do you want me to walk with you to the office?” she asked. “In case Nick shows up?”

  Eve shook her head. “No, I’m fine.”

  “Okay, if you’re sure.” Miss Cress looked at her face carefully for confirmation. Eve nodded. “Remember to stop back and see me later, okay?” she said with concern. “We’ll talk some more.”

  Eve told her she would and moved down the hallway toward the office. Eve was in no hurry. She was always reminding herself that Nola’s emergencies weren’t her own. She knew the drill. The middle school office would try to call Eve’s mother at work with no luck. Then they would call the high school and the office would summon Eve.

  Eve’s mother had no problem ignoring a call from school administration but for reasons unknown to Eve, her mother would return a call from her within five minutes. Eve figured she should have felt flattered.

  Eve felt a forceful tug at her elbow and she realized her mistake. She shouldn’t have dawdled. “Hey,” Nick said, spinning Eve around to face him. “What the hell is up with you?” he asked. He was smiling but it was strained and his fingers dug into her skin. “Why are you avoiding me?”

  “I’ve got to get to the office,” Eve said, wriggling out of his grip and continuing quickly down the hallway. “Something happened with my sister.”

  “What? Was she like in an accident or something?” he asked. Eve was taken aback. Usually Nick couldn’t care less about Nola.

  “I don’t know, I don’t know,” Eve said, her voice high and shrill.

  “It’s probably nothing, like usual. Are you coming over after school?” Nick said. He sounded put out. Did he not remember this morning and the way he grabbed her in the middle of the street in front of Mr. Harper? Did he really think everything was okay?

  Eve stopped suddenly and looked up at him in disbelief. “Nick,” she said. “Something happened to my sister. I’m not thinking about after-school plans. I’m not thinking about anything but Nola. Besides, you were a jerk this morning.”

  Nick stared down at her as if he couldn’t believe what was coming out of her mouth. She never talked back to him. His slack-faced surprise quickly turned to anger. “You’re the one screwing the old guy and I’m the jerk?” He looked her up and down. “You’ll be back.” Nick’s shoulder grazed Eve’s as he brushed past her, knocking her off balance, and she tripped into the lockers.

  Eve knew she should stay quiet, just let him walk away but she couldn’t help herself. Resentment bubbled caustically through her. Maggie’s prediction that Eve would end up getting back together with him kept running through her mind. “And I told you,” she spat at his back, “I can’t see you anymore. I can’t. I’m not coming over after school. I’m not coming over ever.”

  Nick stopped in his tracks, his back stiffening. He turned back toward Eve. A ruddy tint spread across his face and he looked around to see if anyone heard how Eve had spoken to him. The corridor was empty. His eyes narrowed and in two long steps he was in front of Eve, boxing her in against a locker. The smell of his cologne was overwhelming, nauseating. The hard metal of a locker handle dug into her back and her books tumbled to the ground. A red piece of paper fluttered from the book that Maggie had lent her and spun lazily to the ground. “What did you say?” he asked, his voice low, angry.

  Eve didn’t speak. It was better to keep quiet. No matter what Eve said it would just make him angrier. He hooked a finger onto her turtleneck and pulled down, exposing her neck and the spot where he left the hickey. He ran a finger along the bruise as if admiring his handiwork. In that moment, Eve hated him and promised herself that she would never let him touch her again.

  “Meet me at my car after school. Don’t make me come looking for you,” he said as he nuzzled his face against her neck.

  “Eve, come on now,” a voice rang out. “Your mom is on the phone. She needs to talk to you about your sister.” It was Ms. Reiss, the school secretary. “Hurry along.” From her vantage point she couldn’t see how Nick had Eve pinned against the locker, that he was holding her wrist so tight that it was growing numb from lack of circulation.

  “Coming,” Eve said, trying to keep her voice even, confident.

  Nick held her there for a moment longer before grabbing her by the face, his fingers digging into her cheeks. She wanted to bite his face off. “Don’t fuck with me, Eve,” he hissed into her ear and then let her go.

  Eve pushed past him and bent down to gather up her books and the red piece of paper that had fluttered to the ground. It was in the shape of a bird. Eve didn’t pause to look too closely at it but slid it back into the book and rushed the rest of the way down the hallway and through the office doors where Ms. Reiss was waiting for her. “Your mom is on line one,” she said, pointing to the phone on the counter.

  Eve picked up the receiver and pressed the flashing button. “Mom?” she asked. “What do you want?”

  “It’s Nola,” her mother said and from the panic in her voice, for a moment Eve began to think that something bad might have happened. But drama was a given with Nola. Their mother didn’t help things with her overreactions.

  “What happened?” Eve asked, checking the clock.

  “She didn’t show up to school. They have no idea where she is.” Her mother was on the verge of tears.

  Eve let out a sigh. “I’m sure she’s fine,” she said. Nola had run off before. “She’s probably hiding out at the library. She’ll come to school or home when she calms down.”

  “I’ve called the library. They haven’t seen her. No one has.” Charlotte’s voice rose. “She’s gone, Eve! No one knows where she is. What if something bad happened? What if she’s hurt? I need you to go look for her.”

  “Mom,” Eve began to protest but her mother interrupted.

  “I can’t miss any more work. I don’t have any more personal time for the year or sick days,” Charlotte said. “I’d leave if I could, but I can’t. You have to go, Eve. I’m so worried. You know she hates missing school.”

  Her mother was right about that.

  But still, Eve wasn’t really concerned. Nola was just off pouting somewhere, licking her wounds. She would show up sooner than later. “I can’t just leave,” Eve whined, aware that Ms. Reiss was listening from her spot behind the counter. Eve turned away from her and lowered her voice. “Seriously, Mom, I’ve got a class.” The office door opened and Shaun O’Keefe walked in, gave her a little wave and stopped to wait for Ms. Reiss at the counter.

  “Eve,” her mother begged, her voice loud enough for Shaun and Ms. Reiss to hear. “I need you to go look for her. I don’t have a good feeling about this.”

  “Fine,” Eve snapped and held out the phone to Ms. Reiss. “I have to go,” Eve said. “I don’t know if I’ll be back today.”

  “Are you okay?” Ms. Reiss asked, taking the phone from her hand. Eve nodded and rushed from the office more from embarrassment than concern for Nola.

  Though Eve didn’t want to risk running into Nick, she had to stop at her locker and grab her coat. She scanned the hallway for any sign of him but the coast was clear.

  “Hey, are you okay?” came a voice from behind her. Shaun again. Great. Everyone wanted a front row seat for the Knox family freak show.

  “Yeah,” Eve said. “My stupid sister took off. My mom wants me to go look for her.” She paused in front of her locker. “They drive me crazy.”

  “I’ll help you look,” Shaun offered as Eve fumbled with her combination.

  “That’s okay,” Eve said, opening her locker door and pulling out her coat. She was mortified.

  “Seriously,” Shaun said as they walked down the hallway toward the front doors. “I j
ust finished my last final for the day. I can leave.” He smiled at her. A soft smile so different than Nick’s mean smirk. Shaun, while not nearly as handsome as Nick, had a kind, sweet face.

  Eve was tempted but no, Nola had always been something that she had to deal with on her own. “Thanks, but I’m good,” Eve said as they paused at the exit. “I’ll see you after break. Have a good Christmas.”

  “You too,” Shaun said. And that was all. He stepped aside to let her pass but when she looked behind her, down the hallway, there was Nick again. Always there. Always watching.

  MAGGIE KENNEDY-O’KEEFE

  Tuesday, June 16, 2020

  When I arrive at the hospital in Willow Creek I’m surprised to see that Shaun is already here to meet the ambulance.

  “I called a friend in the fire department,” Shaun says as they wheel me into an examination room. “He told me that you were on your way here.”

  Shaun holds my hand as the ER doctor squeezes a curlicue of gel on my belly and skates the transducer across it. I hold my breath as we wait for the sound waves to be collected and transmit on the screen. Finally, the pixels arrange themselves into a recognizable shape and the first thing I see is the open and closing fist of a beating heart, the thump filling my ears like a psalm. Tears slide from my eyes, rinsing the soot from my face and onto the pillow in ashy streaks.

  “She looks perfect,” the doctor says with a smile. My breath releases in a stream and Shaun lowers his head to my chest in relief. “Strong heartbeat,” the doctor says, “amniotic fluid looks good and she’s just the right size for thirty-two weeks.”

  “Thank you,” I say to the doctor. “Thank you so much.” My voice is thick with emotion.