This Is How I Lied

by Heather Gudenkauf

  “You sure? School’s pretty much done for the day,” Shaun said. “I can take you home if you want.”

  Eve didn’t know where she wanted to go but she was sure she wasn’t ready to go home just yet. “Yeah,” she said and turned back toward the window. “I have to grab something from my locker.” They drove in silence the rest of the way and when Shaun turned into the school parking lot, Eve said flatly, “You can drop me off here.”

  Shaun pulled into an empty parking space and Eve reached for the door handle as if ready to make a quick getaway but then stopped. “Please don’t tell anyone,” Eve murmured, looking down at her hands. “I know it looks bad. I know there’s something wrong with her, but please don’t tell anyone. Please. I’ll take care of it.”

  A tear slid down Eve’s face and plopped into her hand. Using one finger, Shaun wiped the moisture from her palm. Eve wanted to grab his hand, hold it tight. She wanted to bury her face in his neck and sob but it would do no good and she’d just end up being embarrassed.

  “Please,” she said again.

  “I won’t say anything, I promise,” Shaun said, his hand still on hers. “She didn’t even see me. Are you going to be okay?”

  “I’m fine,” Eve said extracting her hand and swiping at her tears. “Have a good Christmas.”

  Shaun looked as if he wanted to say more but settled on, “You too,” as Eve pushed open the truck door and stepped out. Head down, she started to walk toward the school but veered away once he pulled out of sight.

  Eve didn’t really need to get anything from her locker, she just needed to get out of the confines of Shaun’s truck. She needed to try to clear from her head the image of Nola looming over that dog with a knife. Besides, if she ran into Ms. Reiss she would ask if Eve found Nola and she’d have to lie and say no. It was better to just wander around and pretend to be searching for her sister.

  As Eve stepped off the curb to cross Sherman Street she caught sight of Nick and two friends leaning against his BMW. Their horselike laughs slammed into her. What if they saw her get out of Shaun’s truck?

  A crackle of dread went through her. Nick hated to be embarrassed, one-upped. He would find a way not only to get back at Eve but Shaun too. She’d have to warn him.

  She hurried down the block, deciding her best bet was to stay on busier streets, the ones with more foot traffic.

  There goes another friendship, Eve thought, looking over her shoulder to see if Nick was trailing her. After today, there was no way Shaun would want anything to do with her.

  First, he encountered her crazy sister and if Nick saw them together, Shaun was sure to face the wrath of Nick. Eve was sure they both would.

  THE WILLOW CREEK GAZETTE

  January 7, 1996

  In the third week since her sister and a friend discovered the beaten and strangled body of fifteen-year-old Grotto resident Eve Marie Knox, law enforcement have made no arrests in the brutal homicide. According to the Ransom County Sheriff’s Department spokesperson, Les Digby, hundreds of tips have been called in and dozens of interviews have been conducted. Despite all leads, no official suspects have been named.

  Digby did say investigators are interested in speaking with a man seen at the Grotto Public Library at the same time as Knox. The man is described as being in his late fifties, wearing a red sweatshirt and blue jeans and riding a blue Schwinn bicycle with a basket on the front. He is thought to be a drifter passing through town. Digby reiterated that the man is not a suspect but a possible witness and asked that anyone with any information as to his whereabouts please contact law enforcement.

  NOLA KNOX

  Wednesday, June 17, 2020

  Nola stared down at Maggie sitting on the edge of Eve’s bed. Maggie looked as if she might pass out. “I was there, Maggie.” Nola, certain that Maggie wasn’t going to make a run for it, moved toward the bookshelf. “I was down at the caves the night you killed my sister.”

  Maggie shook her head from side to side, arms wrapped protectively around her belly. “No, you’re crazy. Why would I kill Eve? She was my best friend, I loved her.”

  “Shhh.” Nola pressed a finger to her lips. “It’s my turn to talk. I know you loved Eve, but you loved someone more. Cam Harper. He liked young girls, didn’t he? And you fell for it.”

  Again Maggie shook her head but didn’t speak.

  Nola reached for a book on Eve’s shelf. Nola opened its pages to reveal a bird folded from red paper. “The cosmos has a way of vomiting up pieces of the past, Maggie,” Nola said.

  “That’s not mine,” Maggie whispered. “I don’t know where it came from.”

  “Come on,” Nola scoffed. “The book has your name in it, the note is addressed to you. Do you want me to read it out loud to you?”

  Maggie closed her eyes tightly as if willing Nola, the book, the bird to disappear. “No, I remember what it says. I was just a child. I was fifteen. The man was a predator.”

  “But you killed your best friend to protect him,” Nola said. “Not so innocent were you?”

  “Stop it, Nola.” Maggie got to her feet. “No one is going to believe you.”

  “You’re going to want to hear me out,” Nola said, pushing Maggie back onto the bed.

  “Don’t you touch me,” Maggie snapped but Nola could smell the fear rolling off her. A bitter, desperate scent. Not altogether unpleasant, Nola thought. She’d smelled it before.

  Nola slowly unfolded the origami bird. “He called you Bird, didn’t he? Because you were like a little bird flitting around all over the place, always moving, always chattering. It was his pet name for you.”

  “You left that bird on my windshield, didn’t you? Did you start the fire? Put that crap online about me?”

  Nola’s eyes narrowed and then she shrugged. “Sure, why not?”

  “I’m going to leave now,” Maggie said, her voice trembling.

  “Just a little bit longer, Maggie,” Nola said. “You can spare five minutes for your best friend’s sister, can’t you? I saw Eve running off toward the caves that day and you chasing after her. She found out about you and Cam Harper. She was going to tell. She was going to tell your dad and Cam Harper was going to be arrested and taken away from you and you couldn’t stand the thought of that.”

  Nola’s eyes sparkled. She was enjoying this.

  “You followed her to the caves and you attacked her to shut her up. You killed her and for what? A middle-aged pedophile who probably had done the same thing to dozens of other girls. You thought you were so special,” Nola said with disdain.

  “You are crazy,” Maggie spat.

  “I still have three minutes,” Nola said holding up her fingers. Her voice changed again and Eve’s earnest words fell from her lips, “Please, Maggie, we can work this out together.” Then another shift in tone. “I don’t want to work it out! I’m pregnant. If you tell, it will scare him away. I need time to figure out how to tell him. You ruined it. You ruined everything. I hate you, Eve, I hate you!” Nola ended her soliloquy with a childish stamp of the foot.

  “You need help,” Maggie whispered.

  “Actually, I think it’s you who needs the help,” Nola said, matching Maggie’s soft tone. “You of all people should know what happens to pregnant women in prison. You’d have to give birth in leg irons. And how long do they let the baby stay with a convicted murderer? Your baby would be taken away. And what do you think your husband will do once he finds out that the mother of his child is a monster? Do you really think he’d want the baby? Off to foster care she’d go.”

  “Enough,” Maggie said, once again getting to her feet. “I’m leaving now. I suggest you get some professional help.”

  Nola slid the paper cardinal back between the pages of the book and stepped aside to let Maggie pass. Maggie didn’t move. “I think I’ll ask Chief Digby to put another detective on Eve’s case.”
Nola tapped her chin thoughtfully. “He wouldn’t approve of you showing up in my house without a warrant. He might think you were trying to manipulate the investigation or something. Another detective will make sure that the evidence in Eve’s case gets sent off safe and sound. And we’ll just see what they find. Oh, and maybe Chief Digby would be interested in seeing the bird. Who knows, maybe it has some kind of evidentiary value.

  “And what do you think they are going to find once they send the evidence to the lab for retesting?” Nola asked. “Maybe nothing. But maybe they’ll find that tiny speck of DNA from when you knocked Eve to the ground. Maybe not. Maybe a small drop of your blood didn’t get on Eve’s clothing when she was fighting back.” Nola shrugged. “Who knows? Maybe the new advancements in forensic testing won’t detect the touch of DNA you left behind. But I guess that’s a chance you are willing to take. Good luck, Maggie.” Nola reached out to touch Maggie’s belly and Maggie swatted her hand away. Nola just laughed. “Good luck to you and your baby. Maybe you’ll actually be able to hold this baby in your arms.”

  “You’re bluffing,” Maggie said but her voice was unsure, shaky.

  “You can go now, Maggie,” Nola said haughtily. “If you don’t want to talk about this like adults, I think I have a few phone calls to make.”

  Maggie brushed past Nola and out of the room. Nola smoothed the quilt on Eve’s bed from where Maggie had rumpled it. She heard Maggie’s feet slapping against the steps as she rushed down the stairs. A rapid-fire staccato. Nola was surprised at how fast Maggie could move given her condition. Then there was silence. No slamming of the door, no roar of an engine being turned. Just the whir of the overhead fan. Nola sat on the edge of Eve’s bed and waited. Maggie would be back.

  EVE KNOX

  Friday, December 22, 1995

  12:30 p.m.

  Eve didn’t want to have to march past Nick and his friends so she decided to just keep walking in the opposite direction. The wind was picking up and moved her along with an icy push.

  Eve passed by the police station where Maggie’s dad worked and up Juniper Street past Grotto Gifts. Nick’s mother spotted Eve through the window and waved happily but Eve turned her head and kept on going. She passed by the pharmacy and the Maid-Rite. So familiar, but Eve felt oddly out of place. A funny thought to Eve. Of the three of them in the family, Eve was the one who seemed to have found her place in their hometown.

  Eve never really understood how her mother ended up in Grotto. Her mother’s job, she guessed. But why she chose a place with few single men and no social scene to speak of never made sense to Eve. Her mother used to be pretty. Beautiful actually, and at least in a larger town her mom would have had the chance to meet a nice guy—any guy for that matter—and could have had a life beyond her daughters. But the longer they lived here, the more worn down, faded her mother became.

  Eve thought Nola would have benefited from living in a larger, more diverse town. A city where there were more kids like her, more opportunities to learn and explore. But as she got older, Eve realized that there weren’t a whole lot of people like Nola. No matter where she lived, Nola would be scary.

  Out of the corner of her eye, Eve saw a flash of the pale moon yellow of Nola’s hair but just as quickly it disappeared. She knew it was Nola, across the street but lagging a bit behind Eve, ducking into doorways whenever Eve glanced her way. Nola had taken the quick route from the caves.

  “I see you!” Eve hollered but kept walking. Something bounced against her coat and fell to the ground. “Go home!” Eve shouted, sensing that Nola had crossed the street and was walking directly behind her. “Real mature!” Eve called out and picked up her pace. “Go home!” Her job was done. Their mother told her to find Nola and that’s what she did.

  Eve heard the pounding of feet against the sidewalk. “You probably thought it was hilarious,” Nola said coming up behind her. “Those assholes making fun of me.”

  Eve swung around and was flabbergasted at the hurt expression on Nola’s face. Eve could always tell when Nola’s feelings were hurt. She bit down so hard on the inside of her cheek that a rarely seen dimple formed. Her voice shook and lost the haughtiness that everyone was used to.

  “I tried to help you,” Eve cried. “I was trying to get them to leave you alone and you went after me. What the hell is wrong with you, Nola?”

  “The only thing wrong is that I’m stuck in this town and forced to go to school with idiots,” Nola shot back.

  “Yeah, well, if you weren’t so crazy maybe people would leave you alone,” Eve snapped.

  “Well, maybe if you didn’t spend so much time with Nick you wouldn’t be such an asshole,” Nola barked back.

  “Nick and I broke up,” Eve said, pausing to look both ways before crossing the street.

  This announcement seemed to take Nola by surprise. She was quiet for a moment. The only sound was their breathing. The sky was heavy with snow and for a second Eve’s heart gave a little childlike leap. Eve may be over fifteen but she wasn’t too old to be enchanted by a Christmas snowfall. Normally they had piles of snow by this time of the year.

  “Good,” Nola finally said. “Maybe you won’t be such a bitch anymore.”

  Eve stopped short while Nola kept walking. Eve was aware of other people on the street carrying on with their normal, everyday activities. A man digging into his pocket for coins to feed the parking meter. A woman carrying bags of groceries. A group of middle school boys huddled together laughing and talking excitedly about winter break.

  “I may be a bitch,” Eve said, “but at least I have friends.” Her voice was low and singsong sweet. “Unlike some people I know. Maybe if you weren’t such a freak show you’d have some friends.”

  Nola went stock-still and though Eve hated to admit it, she felt exhilaration in finally saying those words. Eve couldn’t stop herself.

  “Maybe if you didn’t read books about string theory and dissecting small animals—if you didn’t dissect animals—you wouldn’t be alone all the time.”

  Nola slowly turned around. Her face was stripped of emotion as if Eve’s cruel words meant nothing, but the stony glint in her eyes told Eve that her words had hit the mark.

  “And I saw you. I saw what you did,” Eve hissed. “Did you really kill that dog, Nola?”

  Seeing the rage on her sister’s face, all the confidence and righteous anger that Eve felt disappeared and was replaced with a fist of dread and all she could think about was getting home. Eve turned to leave.

  She only made it a few steps when she felt the blow. It was sudden and knocked the breath from her chest. Eve stumbled to the ground, her jeans snagging against the coarse sidewalk, taking a layer of skin from her knee with it. Eve looked up and Nola was standing above her, arms on her hips, her mouth pinched in anger, her hand in her pocket. Fingering her knife, Eve was certain.

  * * *

  The nearby group of boys stopped their playful shoving and laughter to watch and the woman with the grocery bags changed course and crossed the street. Nick’s mom stepped outside the shop and was joined by two others to look on.

  “You ruined my jeans,” Eve said, shifting to a seated position. She felt the cold concrete through the seat of her pants. “I only have one other pair. You’re going to buy me new ones,” Eve said, examining the bloodstained rip. When she looked back up to demand an apology she could tell by the look on Nola’s face that she wasn’t going to get one.

  A thousand responses ran through Eve’s head but she remained silent and hastily got to her feet. “Nola, what is wrong with you?” she whispered, well aware of all the eyes on them.

  Nola didn’t answer, only walked away as if nothing had happened. The boys went back to jostling each other and Nick’s mom walked toward Eve, a worried look on her face.

  “Eve,” she called. “Are you all right?”

  “Just messing around. I’m f
ine,” Eve said, waving her off. Mrs. Brady said something more but what, Eve couldn’t hear. She limped quickly away, turning down a side street and out of sight.

  Nola and Eve had arguments before, loud, wall-shaking ones. They even had ones that involved hair pulling and pinches. Nola held a mean grudge but they didn’t seem to last for too long. At least not toward Eve.

  Usually all she would need to do is give Nola some time to cool off and then things would go back to normal. But what did that even mean? There was nothing normal about Nola. Eve knew she would have to talk to Nola about the dog. It was going to be an awful conversation but something had to be done. Nola was out of control. Eve was scared of her sister.

  MAGGIE KENNEDY-O’KEEFE

  Wednesday, June 17, 2020

  I pause at Nola’s front door, one hand on the brass doorknob. Every fiber of my body is screaming at me to turn around and run, to get the hell out of this house and never return. Nola Knox is crazy but she’s not wrong.

  That night, when I left Eve behind in the caves, I was sure she was still alive. Even when Nola and I found Eve’s body, I didn’t believe that I was the one who killed her. But I did. I murdered my best friend.

  My heart is thumping and I’m crying so hard that I’m afraid it might hurt the baby. I can’t catch my breath and the room is spinning. If I’m not careful I’m going to pass out and then God knows what Nola would do to me. I take long, deep breaths, the way that Shaun and I learned in Lamaze class.

  A wash of different emotions floods through me. Disgust at what I could do to another human being and that I was able to keep it a secret for so long. For years I was able to almost make myself believe that it wasn’t me who killed Eve. Most days I was able to convince myself that after our fight, Eve slipped and fell and that’s what ultimately killed her.