by C. Lesbirel
“I’m not following,” I spit out, my veins flooding with a burning rage that some scumbag would leave my twin to be dealing with all of this on her own.
“They did a scan, Sully. They found a heartbeat. The baby I lost was a twin.”
Oh my God. I glance to Hope, whose face is full of concern, and I fight to swallow the thick lump that’s formed in my throat.
“Where are you? Do you want me to come?”
“No, I’m okay. I’m in my apartment. I just need to get my head around this. Don’t tell the rest, I want to get a handle on this before I break it to everyone.”
“I’m coming. Stay put.” I hang up and toss the phone on the sofa and turn to Hope. This couldn’t have come at a worse time, but I know exactly where I need to be.
13
Hope
“Are you okay?” I ask when he hangs up the phone.
“Not really,” he replies, which is obvious given the way he’s pacing up and down like he doesn’t know what to do with himself.
“I’ve got some family stuff going on that I need to deal with. I know this is not the best timing, but I have to go and be with my sister for a while to make sure she’s okay.”
“Of course. Hey, don’t worry about it.”
“I’ll worry about you.” His eyes are wide and shining with honesty when they meet mine.
“Me? Why would you worry about me? I’ll be fine.”
“I know you’re all Miss Independent and shit, but I’ve seen you every night for these last couple of weeks, Hope. You’re not looking after yourself. I know it’s not my place to say because what we have is nothing, and in the scheme of things I’m no one, but since I’m going and no one else will be straight with you, I got to just say it as it is.”
“You’re worrying for nothing. Honestly, I can take care of myself,” I protest.
“Well, I beg to differ. You barely sleep or eat for that matter. You never seem to rest. It’s like you’re always on the go. It’s not good for you.” I jump to my feet feeling defensive. Who the hell does he think he is to tell me I’m not looking after myself? My manager? My dad? My fucking boyfriend?
“If I wanted a boyfriend, I wouldn’t have screwed the first guy that offered to buy me a drink back in London. This is exactly why I don’t do relationships.”
“If you want to pretend that this means nothing to you then that’s fine, but I’ve seen the way you look at me, Hope. You’re fooling no one, not even yourself. I call bullshit. You wouldn’t have just gone to bed with any guy that offered you a drink that night, you liked me. Same way I liked you. That’s probably why I didn’t just fuck you, I agreed to this stupid arrangement that was probably the dumbest idea ever, for that matter.”
“Dumb idea? Are you forgetting who suggested this whole fucked up thing?”
“No, I’m not forgetting. I don’t forget a second of my time with you. That’s why it was so stupid of me to agree to any of this because I should have known we’d end up here. I should have seen this coming from the first time you downed that whiskey like a trucker and looked up at me with your gorgeous hazel eyes, pleading with me to save you.”
“Save me?” I spit the words out like venom, anger swirling in the pit of my stomach, swimming with something else. Panic? Confusion? “Who the hell do you think I need saving from? I am not some lost little girl here, Sullivan. I’m a grown woman with a successful career. I don’t need saving from anyone.”
“I disagree. I think you need saving from your shitty manager, from the industry that’s threatening to break you, and most of all, I think you need saving from yourself.”
“Get out!” I yell, unable to listen to any more of his bullshit. “Just go.”
He looks to his feet but doesn’t budge. There’s a short awkward silence before he points out, “We’re in my hotel room,” and I almost scream with rage.
I go to storm past him, but he catches my wrist as I do.
“Look after yourself, Hope.”
“I always do,” I snap at him, pretending to ignore the heat from the feel of his fingertips around my wrist.
“I’ll arrange for one of my brothers to fly you to Berlin tomorrow. This doesn’t have to change anything,” he says as I walk out of his hotel door without looking back.
He’s wrong. This changes everything. The stupid argument. Him trying to look out for me. This whole ridiculous friends-with-benefits thing we have going on. Him leaving is the perfect opportunity to end this and refocus on what matters. I have a ton more shows to do, meet and greets to prepare for, new choreography to learn. Distractions are the last thing I need right now, and that’s exactly what Sullivan Parker has become.
Even now, part of me wants to march back down the corridor that separates his room from mine and kiss him and make up. It doesn’t feel right, him leaving on bad terms, but at least it made it final.
This is the best thing for both of us. He deserves to be with someone who can give him so much more than I can. Despite hating the fact that he’s concerned about me, I actually know he’s coming from a good place. It’s me who’s the dysfunctional one in all this. When it comes down to it, I am always the one who can’t commit. I’m starting to wonder if it’s just my job that’s standing in the way or whether there’s some other reason why all of my previous attempts at relationships ended before they’d ever really began.
Sullivan’s words play out in my ears as I grab my bathrobe and pour myself a glass of wine, sipping it as I step outside onto the balcony. There’s no way I’ll be able to sleep when I’m feeling this stressed.
I let out a heavy sigh and glance out at the city beneath me and don’t feel an ounce of excitement at the pretty lights and interesting buildings. Instead, a pang of loneliness hits me straight in the gut.
What if he’s right? What if I do need saving from myself?
14
Sullivan
As soon as Shiloh answers her apartment door, I know I made the right decision to come here. Wrapping my arms around her, she collapses against me and dissolves into a fit of tears.
“Hey, I’m here.”
After the longest time of holding her, she looks up at me with puffy eyes and tears still rolling down her cheeks.
“Sorry. It’s just such a mess, Sully.”
“I’d say, do you wanna get drunk and talk about it, but I guess you won’t be drinking for a while.”
She smiles a sad smile and steps backward, allowing me to enter her apartment.
“Shit, Shiloh. You should have called sooner,” I scold her. The place is a disaster, and she’s obviously not been coping since she found out about the baby.
“I didn’t know what to say. My head’s wrecked over the whole thing.”
“Look, whatever it is, you’re not on your own. We can deal with this together, same as always.”
“It doesn’t feel the same, Sully. This is completely different. I got myself into this mess, I should be the one who faces the consequences. Except, it’s not just me. Dad was right, I’m a total let down. Don’t pretend this isn’t going to destroy him and Mom.”
“They’ll get over it. You can’t worry about anyone else for now. You just need to focus on being the best parent you can be by looking after yourself. So, sit yourself down. I’m gonna make you some coffee and get this place cleaned up.” I pull away from her, push up my sleeves and ready myself to get to work.
“Sully,” she says in a small voice.
“Hmm?”
“I’m so glad you’re here.”
“Where else would I be?”
“Don’t do that,” she mumbles as I prepare the coffee pot.
“What, make this decaf shit? It’s all you have in here.”
“That’s because that’s all I can have right now. But, that’s not what I’m talking about. Don’t pretend like you don’t have a life of your own that you’ve just put on hold to come and look after me.
I ignore her and get busy with the stash of take-out
food cartons piled high on the countertop. The next time I turn to face her, on my way to the trashcan with boxes and cartons, I realize she’s been eyeing me suspiciously this whole time.
“Who is she?” She arches a brow and narrows her eyes, making me smile. There she is. My little detective twin, always trying to second guess me. I’ve never lied to her, but I promised Hope I wouldn’t tell a soul about anything that happened between us, and a promise is a promise. Besides, there’s not exactly much to tell. Whatever the hell her problem is, she made it crystal clear that it’s no longer my concern.
I’d be lying if I said the whole thing hasn’t stung me a little. I mean, most girls play the whole ‘unavailable’ game. Trust me to fall for the one girl who isn’t playing and genuinely meant it when she told me she didn’t do relationships. Then there’s the fact that she’s so much older than me. Not that it bothers me in the slightest, but I know my family would have something to say about it.
“See, I knew it,” Shiloh accuses me, pulling me to my senses.
“You're wrong. Don’t try and use me as a distraction from your own hot mess.”
“And you don’t use my hot mess to pretend you’re not hiding things from me.”
“I’m not hiding things. You’re wrong on this one.” I avoid her eyes as I pass her the coffee mug, scared she’ll read my thoughts if she looks into them.
Our bond as twins was both a blessing and a curse at the same time. We didn’t need conversation to understand each other perfectly, which is helpful when you need someone to be there for you and can’t articulate why. But shitty when you are trying to have an ounce of privacy. Especially, with Shiloh. Sometimes, I could guess exactly what she’s thinking, but I would keep it to myself. My sister, however, feels the need to share anything and everything she’s thinking and feeling right there and then. She has no issues with calling me out on things I’d rather have kept to myself, but I have never been able to stay mad at her for too long.
“Did you see a doctor yet?” It was a blatant attempt to shift the focus of our conversation but also a valid question.
“Not yet, I have an appointment tomorrow morning.”
“I’ll come with you.”
“You don’t have to do that.”
“You think I’m going to let you go on your own? Stop being a dick and go and get dressed. We’re going out for dinner.”
“You have such a way with words.” She rolls her eyes at me and pouts. “You have got to be kidding, I look like horse shit.”
“That’s the point. I’ll bet it’s been at least a week since you got dressed.”
“I’m not really up for going out.”
“You’ll feel better for putting a brave face on. Parkers don’t mope, sis. You know that. Now, go on. I’ll finish up here, and you go and do whatever it is you girls do to make yourself pretty.”
“Please tell me you’ve never said that to a woman before?”
I chuckle in response, shaking my head as I turn my back on her to tackle the pile of dishes and cups scattered across her draining rack. I can’t believe she didn’t call me sooner; this is so not my sister. Shiloh always has her shit together. I’ve never seen anything rattle her, ever. This is the girl who swims in the ocean, sharks or no sharks. I mean, she even dove in front of a moving vehicle just to save a cat from being ran over. She’s fearless, but apparently, I’ve finally found the one thing that can throw her off her game, and all I can say is that I really wish I hadn’t.
Seeing my sister so shaken up is a tough pill to swallow. This whole thing could have been avoided if that dickhead mountain man had stood by her like he should have. Who the fuck gets someone pregnant then washes his hands clean of the baby mama?
Seriously, not fucking cool.
15
Hope
The beat of the opening music pulses in my ears, and even though my feet are rooted to the spot, I feel like my body is swaying from side to side. It’s been two weeks since I heard from Sullivan Parker, yet his words continue to plague me. The look of concern on his face is playing on my mind because it had annoyed me so much and seemed so genuine. What if he was right about me not looking after myself? About me not eating properly? What if he was right about it all?
My head feels light and my stomach feels woozy. I try to force the microphone up to my lips knowing it’s almost time to sing my opening lyrics. Something about a girl wanting more. What’s the line again? My throat dries out, my lips tingle and my vision blurs.
I don’t remember falling, but I’m guessing something bad happened because when I manage to focus, Simon’s face is in front of mine yelling, “What the fuck!”
It’s a struggle to keep my eyes open. I push him away and try to ask what happened, but when I open my mouth, no sound comes out.
The next thing I see is a medic shining a light into my eyes and grabbing at my wrist to take a pulse. Putting two and two together, I’m thinking I must have fainted, as the last thing I remember is standing on stage, ready to open my show.
Shit. My show. The fans.
“What happened?” I ask again, this time thankful when I hear the sound of my voice.
“You blacked out, honey. You’re okay. We’re gonna need to get you checked out, just as a precaution.”
None of it seemed real.
I guess it had been a while since I ate anything substantial, but I haven’t had an appetite for anything these last few days.
My eyes dart to Simon, searching for reassurance. My heart races as quickly as my thoughts try to catch up with what’s happened, worse still, what’s going to happen next.
“Do you want to go back out there?” he asks, looking me up and down, and I nod, trying to sit up. This show was a complete sell out. I couldn’t disappoint thousands of fans who I realize are now all cheering my name.
“We want Hope!”
“We want Hope!”
I can hear the commotion from backstage, so I try to swing myself up to a sitting position to get back out there and give them the performance they deserve. As soon as I make the sudden movement my head begins to feel fuzzy again. Thankfully, the medic at my side grabs hold of my shoulder with a firm grip.
“You’re not going anywhere,” she warns me. “Your health comes first, no matter how big a star you are. Everything else can wait. Let’s get you to a hospital, so I can get you checked out properly. People don’t usually just faint for no reason.”
“I’m okay,” I lie. “I feel fine now.”
“Even so, best to get some blood drawn, just to be safe. Isn’t that right?”
She looks to Simon for encouragement, but all she gets is a curt nod and a roll of his eyes. “Do what you need to do, I’ll sort this problem out,” he tells me, before disappearing and leaving me to wonder what the hell is going to happen now. We had a grueling schedule ahead of us for the next few weeks. Even though I know the medic is right, half of me wants to ignore her and get back out on stage where I should be.
“Want me to come with you, Hope?” my MUA offers. Bless her, she’s the only one who does. No thanks, Vicky. I’ll be alright. All of you might as well take the night off. I’m guessing Simon is pulling the plug on the concert as we speak.”
“You sure?” She can’t hide the excitement in her voice at the prospect of a night off, and I don’t blame her. We’d more than put the hours in. My team is probably in need of a break just as much as I am.
“Go. Enjoy.” I wave a hand at her. “I’ll be fine here with.” I check the medic’s uniform for a name badge.
“Karen,” she confirms, offering me a steady hand to hold on to as I get up, and my security quickly closes in on us.
By the time we reach the back door, some of the fans have already exited and made their way behind the building to see what’s going on.
The paps, as always, are ahead of the game too.
So, I leave with a pair of sunglasses handed to me just in time, my hood up and my head down. It doesn’t stop the
camera’s flashing or the screams of, “Look, it’s Hope!”
A few loyal fans cheer my name in support as I step inside a black hummer, bringing a smile to my lips and making me believe that somehow this will all be okay.
All the way to the hospital, I try to tell myself that this is just one show. I’ve never canceled a show before. People know I wouldn’t just cancel on a whim, performing live is my thing. It’s what my fans know me best for. I have no choice but to trust that they’ll forgive me for this and keep supporting me no matter what.
“Is there anyone you’d like me to call, honey?” Karen’s kind voice interrupts my thoughts.
“No, thanks,” I reply. The last thing I need is my parents catching wind of this. Jesus Christ, that would be the last straw. They already think I shouldn’t be putting so much pressure on myself, and I’d have been better off staying at home in Nashville, where they could keep a close eye on me.
“We’re almost to the hospital. I’m going to stay with you until I can get you seen by a doctor. I work for the venue, so I’ll have to head back there once I hand you over.”
“Okay, thanks for all your help.” I muster up a smile for her.
“You’re welcome. I’m a huge fan.”
“You want an autograph?” I offer, feeling slightly awkward.
“No, I want you to get yourself better, so you can get back on stage where you belong. Do you have any idea why you fainted?”
“No,” I answer honestly.
“Have you been eating and drinking properly?”
“Yeah. Mostly.” I shrug.
“It could have just been an adrenaline rush from anxiety or excitement, but we will see what the doctor says.”
“Is there a chance you could be pregnant?”