Torchy, Private Sec.
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Produced by Roger Frank and the Online DistributedProofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net
By SEWELL FORD
TORCHYTRYING OUT TORCHYON WITH TORCHYTORCHY, PRIVATE SEC.ODD NUMBERS "Shorty McCabe"SHORTY McCABE ON THE JOB
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"Why didn't you tell me before that you had such a grandname?" Frontispiece]
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TORCHY,PRIVATE SEC.
BYSEWELL FORD
AUTHOR OFTORCHY, TRYING OUT TORCHY,ON WITH TORCHY, ETC.
ILLUSTRATIONS BYF. FOSTER LINCOLN
NEW YORKGROSSET & DUNLAPPUBLISHERS
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COPYRIGHT, 1914, 1915, BYSEWELL FORD
COPYRIGHT, 1915, BYEDWARD J. CLODE
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CONTENTS
CHAPTER PAGE
I. The Up Call for Torchy 1 II. Torchy Makes the Sir Class 19 III. Torchy Takes a Chance 37 IV. Breaking It to the Boss 56 V. Showing Gilkey the Way 75 VI. When Skeet Had His Day 95 VII. Getting a Jolt from Westy 113 VIII. Some Guesses on Ruby 129 IX. Torchy Gets an Inside Tip 148 X. Then Along Came Sukey 170 XI. Teamwork with Aunty 188 XII. Zenobia Digs Up a Late One 206 XIII. Sifting Out Uncle Bill 223 XIV. How Aunty Got the News 243 XV. Mr. Robert and a Certain Party 259 XVI. Torchy Tackles a Short Circuit 275 XVII. Mr. Robert Gets a Slant 290 XVIII. When Ella May Came By 306 XIX. Some Hoop-la for the Boss 323
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TORCHY, PRIVATE SEC.
CHAPTER I
THE UP CALL FOR TORCHY
Well, it's come! Uh-huh! And sudden, too, like I knew it would, if itcame at all. No climbin' the ladder for me, not while they run expresselevators. And, believe me, when the gate opened, I was right there withmy foot out.
It was like this: One mornin' I'm in my old place behind the brass rail,at the jump-end of the buzzer. I'm everybody's slave in general, andPiddie's football in particular. You know--head office boy of theCorrugated Trust.
That's description enough, ain't it? And I'd been there so long----Honest, when I first went on the job I used to sneak the city directoryunder the chair so my toes could touch. Now my knees rub the under-sideof the desk. Familiar with the place? Say, there are just seventeenfloor cracks between me and the opposite wall; it's fifty-eight stepsthrough into Old Hickory's roll-top and back; and the ink I've pouredinto all them desk-wells would be enough to float a ferry-boat.
At 8.30 on this special mornin' there I am, as I said; and at 2.21 P.M.the same day I'm---- Well, of course, there was a few preliminaries,though I didn't tag 'em as such when they come along. I expect the newspring costume helped some. And the shave--oh, I was goin' it strong! Nocut-price, closing-out, House-of-Smartheimer bargain, altered free tofit--not so, Lobelia! Why, I pawed over whole bales of stuff in asure-enough Fifth-ave. tailor works; had blueprint plans of the frontand side elevations drawn, even to the number of buttons on the cuffs,and spent three diff'rent noon hours havin' it modeled on me before theycould pull a single bastin' thread.
But it's some stream line effect at the finish, take it from me! Nothingsporty or cake-walky, you understand: just quiet and dignified andrich-like, same as any second vice or gen'ral manager would wear.Two-button sack with wide English roll and no turn-up to thetrousers--oh, I should ripple!
The shave was an afterthought. I'd worked up to it by havin' some of mylurid locks trimmed, and as Giuseppe quits shearin' and asks if there'llbe anything else I rubs my hand casual across my jaw and remarks:
"Could you find anything there to mow with a razor?"
Could he? He'd go through the motions on a glass doorknob!
Then it's me tilted back with my heels up and the suds artist decoratin'my map until it looks like a Polish weddin' cake. Don't it hit youfoolish the first time, though? I felt like everybody in the shop,includin' the brush boy and the battery of lady manicures, was allgathered around pipin' me off as a raw beginner. So I stares haughty atthe ceilin' and tries to put on a bored look.
I'd been scraped twice over, and was just bein' unwrapped from the hottowel, when I turns to see who it is has camped down in the next chair,and finds Mr. Robert gazin' at me curious.
"Why!" says he, chucklin'. "If it isn't Torchy! Indulging in a shave,eh?"
"Oh, no, Sir," says I. "Been havin' my eye teeth tested for colorblindness, that's all."
Mr. Robert grins amiable and reaches out for the check. "This is on methen," says he. "I claim the privilege."
As he comes in after luncheon he has to stop and grin again; and lateron, when I answers the buzzer, he makes me turn clear around so he caninspect the effect and size up the new suit.
"Excellent, Torchy!" says he. "Whoever your tailor may be, you do himcredit."
"This trip I paid cash, though," says I. "It's all right, is it?"
"In every particular," says he. "Why, you look almost grown up. May Iask the occasion? Can it be that Miss Verona is on the point ofreturning from somewhere or other?"
"Uh-huh," says I. "Bermuda. Got in yesterday."
"And Aunty, I trust," goes on Mr. Robert, "is as well as usual?"
"I'm hoping for the worst," says I; "but I expect she is."
We swaps merry expressions again, and Mr. Robert pats me chummy on theshoulder. "You're quite all right, Torchy," says he, "and I wish youluck." Then the twinkle fades out of his eyes and he turns serious. "Iwish," he goes on, "that I could do more than just--well, some time,perhaps." And with another friendly pat he swings around to his desk,where the letters are stacked a foot high.
Say, he's the real thing, Mr. Robert is, no matter if he does take itout in wishin'! It ain't every boss would do that much, specially withthe load he's carryin'. For you know since Old Hickory's been down Southtakin' seven kinds of baths, and prob'ly cussin' out them resort doctorsas they was never cussed before, Mr. Robert Ellins has been doin' aheap more than give an imitation of bein' a busy man. But he's therewith the wallop, and I guess it's goin' to take more'n a commerce courtto put the Corrugated out of business.
Too bad, though, that Congress can't spare the time from botherin' aboutinterlockin' directors to suppress a few padlockin' aunties. Say, theway that old girl does keep the bars up against an inoffensive partylike me is something fierce! I tries to call Vee on the 'phone as soonas I've discovered where she is, and all the satisfaction I get is amessage delivered by a French maid that "Miss Hemmingway is otherwiseengaged." Wouldn't that crust you?
But I've been up against this embargo game before, you know; so thefirst chance I gets I slips uptown to do a little scoutin' at closerange. It's an apartment hotel this time, and I hangs around theentrance, inspectin' the bay trees out front for half an hour, before Ican work up the nerve to make the Brodie break. Fin'lly I marches inbold and calls for Aunty herself.
"Is she in, Cephas?" says I to the brunette Jamaican in the olive-greenliv'ry who juggles the elevator.
"I don't rightly know, Suh," says he; "but you can send up a call, Suh,from the desk there, and----"
"Ah, let's not disturb the operator," says I. "Give a guess."
"I'm thinking she'll be taking her drive, Suh," says Cephas, blinkin'stupid.
"Then I'll have to go up and wait," says I. "She'd be mighty sore on usboth if she missed me. Up, Cephas!"
"Yes, Suh," says he, pullin' the lever.
I should have known, though, from one look at that to-let expression ofhis, that his ideas on any subject would be vague. And this was a bumhunch on Aunty. Out? Why, she was propped up in an easy-chair with asprained ankle, and had been for three days! And you should have seenthe tight-lipped, welcome-to-our-grand-jury-room smile that she greetsme with.
"Humph!" she says. "You! Well, young man, what is your excuse thistime?"
I grins sheepish and shuffles my feet. "Same old excuse," says I.
"Do you mean to tell me," she gasps, "that you have the impudence to tryto see my niece, after all I have----"
"Uh-huh," I breaks in. "Don't you ever take a sportin' chance yourself?"
She gurgles somethin' throaty, goes purple in the gills, and prepares tosmear me on the spot; but I gives her the straight look between theeyes and hurries on.
"Oh, I know where you stand, all right," says I; "but ain't you drawin'it a little strong? Say, where's the harm in me takin' Verona out for ahalf-hour walk along the Drive? We ain't had a chat for over two months,you know, not a word, and I'd kind of like to----"
"No doubt," says Aunty. "Are you quite certain, however, that Veronawould like it too?"
"I'm always guessin' where Vee is concerned," I admits; "but by thelatest dope I had on the subject, I expect she wouldn't objectstrenuous."
Aunty sniffs. "It is quite possible," says she. "Verona is a whimsical,wilful girl at times, just as her poor mother was. Keeping up thispretense of friendship for you is one of her silly notions."
"Thanks awfully, Ma'am," says I.
"Let me see," goes on Aunty, squintin' foxy at me, "you are employed inMr. Ellins's office, I believe?"
I nods.
"As office boy, still?" says she.
"No, as a live one," says I. "Anybody that stays still very long at theCorrugated gets canned."
"Please omit meaningless jargon," says Aunty. "Does my niece know justhow humble a position you occupy? Have you ever told her?"
"Why," says I, "I don't know as I've ever gone into details."
"Ah-h-h!" says she. "I was certain that Verona did not fully realize.Perhaps it would be as well that she----" and here she breaks offsudden, like she'd been struck with a new idea. For a second or so shegazes blank over the top of my head, and then she comes to with a brisk,"That will do, young man! Verona is not at home. You need not trouble tocall again. The maid will show you out. Celeste!"
And the next thing I knew I was ridin' down again with Cephas. I'm someshunter myself; but I dip the colors to Aunty: she does it so neat andsudden! It must be like the sensation of havin' a flight of trick stairsfold up under you,--one minute you're most to the top, the next you'repickin' yourself up at the bottom.
What worries me most, though, is this hint she drops about Vee. Lookslike the old girl had something up her sleeve; but what it is I can'tdope out. So all I can do is keep my eyes open and my ear stretched forthe next few days, watchin' for something to happen.
Course, I had one or two other things on my mind meanwhile; for down atthe gen'ral offices we wa'n't indulgin' in any spring-feversymptoms,--not with three big deals under way, all this income mess ofdeductin' at the source goin' on, and Mr. Robert's grand scheme fordissolvin' the Corrugated--on paper--bein' worked out. Oh, sure, that'sthe easiest thing we do. We've split up into nineteen sep'rate anddistinct corporations, with a diff'rent set of directors for each one,and if the Attorney General can sleuth out where they're tied togetherhe's got to do some high-class snoopin' around.
Maybe you think too, that little Sunny Haired Hank, guardin' the brassgate, ain't wise to every move. Say, I make that part of my job. If Ididn't, I'd be towin' a grouchy bunch of minority kickers in where thereorganization board was cookin' up a new stock-transfer game, or makesome other fool break that would spill the beans all over the pantryfloor.
"Torchy," says Mr. Robert, chewin' his cigar nervous and pawin' throughpigeonholes, "ask Mr. Piddie what was done with those Mesaba contracts."
"Filed under Associated Developments," says I.
"Oh, yes, so they were," says he. "Thanks. And could you find out for mewhen we organized General Transportation?"
"Wa'n't that pulled off the day you waited for that Duluth delegationto show up, just after Easter?" says I.
"That's it," says he, "the fifteenth! Has Marling of Chicago been calledup yet?"
"Nope," says I. "He'll be waitin' for the closing quotations, won't he?But there's that four-eyed guy with the whiskers who's been hangin'around a couple of hours."
"Ah!" says Mr. Robert, huntin' out a card on his desk. "That Rowleyperson! I'd forgotten. What does he want?"
"Didn't say," says I. "Got a roll of something under one arm--crankpromoter, maybe. Will I ditch him?"
"Not without being heard," says Mr. Robert. "I haven't time myself,though. Perhaps Mr. Piddie might interview him and----"
"Ah, Piddie!" says I. "He'd take one look at the old gink's round cuffsand turn him down haughty. You know Piddie?"
Mr. Robert smiles. "Then suppose you do it," says he. "Go ahead--fullpowers. Only remember this: My policy is to give everyone who has aproposition to submit to the Corrugated a respectful and adequatehearing. Get the idea?"
"I'm right behind you," says I. "The smooth stuff goes; and if we mustspill 'em, grease the skids. Me for Rowley!"
And, say, you should have heard me shove over the diplomacy, tellin'how sorry Mr. Robert was he couldn't see him in person; but wouldn't heplease state the case in full so no time might be lost in actin' one wayor the other? Inside of three minutes too, he has his papers spread outand is explainin' his by-product scheme for mill tailings, with me busytakin' notes on a pad. He had it all figured out into big money; but ofcourse I couldn't tell whether he had a sure thing, or was justexercisin' squirrels in the connin' tower.
"Ten millions a year," says he, "and I am offering to put this processin operation for a five-per-cent. royalty! I've been a minesuperintendent for twenty years, young man, and I know what I'm talkingabout."
"Your spiel listens like the real thing, Mr. Rowley," says I; "only wecan't jump at these things offhand. We have to chew 'em over, you know."
Rowley shakes his head decided. "You can't put me off for six months ora year," says he. "I've been through all that. If the Corrugated doesn'twant to go into this----"
"Right you are!" I breaks in. "Ten days is enough. I'll put this up tothe board next Wednesday week and get a decision. Much obliged to you,Mr. Rowley, for givin' us first whack at it. We 're out for anythingthat looks good, and we always take care of the parties that put usnext. That's the Corrugated way. Good afternoon, Mr. Rowley. Drop inagain. Here's your hat."
And as he drifts out, smilin', pleased and hopeful, I glances over thespring-water bottle, to see Mr. Robert standin' there listenin' with agrin on.
"Congratulations!" says he. "That peroration of yours was a classic,Torchy; the true Chesterfield spirit, if not the form. I am tempted toutilize your talent for that sort of thing once more. What do you say?"
"Then put it over the plate while I'm on my battin' streak," says I."Who's next?"
"A lady this time," says he; "perchance two ladies." And he developsthat eye twinkle of his.
"Huh!" says I, twistin' my neck and feelin' of my tie. "You ain'tspringin' any tea-pourin' stunt, are you?"
"Strictly business," says he; "at least," he adds, chucklin', "that isthe presumption. As a matter of fact, I've just been called over the'phone by Miss Verona Hemmingway's aunt."
"Eh!" says I, gawpin'.
"She holds some of our debenture bonds, you know," says Mr. Robert, "andI gather that she has been somewhat disturbed by these reorganizationrumors."
"But she ought to know," says I, "that our D.B.'s. are as solid as----"
"The feminine mind," cuts in Mr. Robert, "do
es not readily grasp suchsimple facts. But I haven't half an hour or more to devote to theprocess of soothing her alarm; besides, you could do it so much moregracefully."
"Mooshwaw!" says I. "Maybe I could. But she's only one. Who's theother?"
"She failed to state," says Mr. Robert. "She merely said, 'We shall bedown about three o'clock.'"
"We?" says I. Then I whistles. So that was her game! It was Vee she wasbringin' along!
"Well?" says Mr. Robert.
I expect I was some pinked up, and fussed, too, at the prospect. "Excuseme," says I, "but I got to sidestep."
"Why," says he, "I rather thought this assignment might be somewhatagreeable."
"I know," says I. "You mean well enough; but, honest, Mr. Robert, ifthat foxy old dame's comin' down here with Miss Vee, I'm--well, I don'tstand for it, that's all! I'm off; with a blue ticket or without one,just as you say."
I was reachin' for my new lid too, when Mr. Robert puts out his hand.
"Wouldn't that be--er--rather a serious breach of office discipline?"says he. "Surely, without some good reason----"
"Ah, say!" says I. "You don't think I'm springin' any prima donna whim,do you? It's this plot to show me up through the wrong end of thetelescope that gets me sore."
"Scarcely lucid," says he, lookin' puzzled. "Could you put it a littlesimpler?"
"I'll make it long primer," says I. "How do I stand here in theCorrugated? You know, maybe, and sometimes I give a guess myself; but onthe books, and as far as outsiders go, I'm just plain office boy, ain'tI, like 'steen thousand other four-dollar-a-week kids that's old enoughto have work papers? I've been here goin' on four years now, and I ain'tbeefed much about it, have I? That's because I've been used white andthe pay has been decent. Also I'm strong for you and Mr. Ellins. Iexpect you know that, Mr. Robert. Maybe I ain't got it in me to beanything but an office boy, either; but when it comes to goin' onexhibition before certain parties as the double cipher on the east sideof the decimal--well, that's where I make my foolish play."
"Ah!" says he, rubbin' his chin thoughtful. "Now I fully understand. And,as you suggest, there has been for some time past something--er--equivocalabout your position here. However, just at this moment I have hardly timeto---- By Jove!" Here he breaks off and glances at the clock. "Two-fifteen,and a general council of our attorneys called for half-past in thedirectors' room! Someone else must attend to Miss Verona's estimableaunt--positively! Now if there was anyone who could relieve you fromthe gate----"
"Heiny, the bondroom boy," says I.
"Why not?" says Mr. Robert. "Then, if you should choose to stay andprime yourself with facts about those debentures, there is that extradesk in my office, you know. Would you mind using that?"
"But see here, Mr. Robert," says I, "I wa'n't plannin' any masquerade,either."
"Quite so," says he; "nor I. It so happens, though, that the gentlemanwhose name appears as president of our Mutual Funding Company is--well,hardly in active business life. It is necessary that he be representedhere in some nominal capacity. The directors are now meeting in Room 19.I have authority to name a private secretary pro tem. Do you accept theposition?"
"With a pro-tem. salary, stage money barred?" says I.
"Oh, most certainly," says he.
"Then I'm the guy," says I.
"Good!" says Mr. Robert. "These debentures come in your department. Iwill notify Mr. Piddie that----"
"Say, Mr. Robert," says I, grinnin' once more, "I'd break it gentle toPiddie."
I don't know whether he did or not; for five minutes after that Heinyhas my old seat, and I'm inside behind the ground-glass door, sittin' ata reg'lar roll-top, with a lot of file cases spread out, puzzlin' overthis incorporation junk that makes the Fundin' Comp'ny the little jokerin the Corrugated deck.
And next thing I know in comes Heiny, gawpin' foolish, and trailin'behind him Aunty and Vee. I wa'n't throwin' any bluff about tryin' tolook busy, either. I was elbow-deep in papers, with a pen behind one earand ink on three fingers.
You should have heard the gasp that comes from Aunty as she pipes offwho it is at the desk. My surprise as I'm discovered is the real thingtoo.
"Chairs, Boy!" says I, snappin' my fingers at Heiny.
But Aunty catches her breath, draws herself up stiff, and waves away theseats. "Young man," says she, "I came here to consult with Mr. RobertEllins about----"
"Yes'm," says I, "I understand. Debenture six's, ain't they? Notaffected by the reorganization, Ma'am. You see, it's like this: Thosebonds were issued in exchange for----"
"Young man," she breaks in, aimin' her lorgnette at me threatenin', "Iprefer to discuss this matter with Mr. Robert."
"Sorry," says I, "but as he's very busy he asked me to----"
"And who, pray," snaps the old girl, "are you?"
"Representin' the president of the Mutual Funding Comp'ny," says I.
"Just how?" she demands.
"Private secretary, Ma'am," says I.
"Humph!" she snorts. "This is too absurd of Mr. Robert--wholly absurd!Come, Verona."
And as she sails out I just has time for a glance at Vee, and catches awink. Believe me, though, a friendly wink from one of them gray eyes isworth waitin' for! She follows Aunty through the door with ahandkerchief stuffed in her mouth like she was smotherin' a snicker; soI guess Vee was on. And I'm left feelin' all warmed up and chirky.
Mr. Robert comes in from his lawyer session just before closin' time;rubbin' his hands sort of satisfied too.
"Well," says I, jumpin' up from the swing-chair, "it was some jolt youslipped Aunty. I expect I can resign now?"
"Oh, I trust not," says he. "The board indorsed your appointment an hourago. Keep your desk, Torchy. It is to be yours from now on."
"Wh-a-a-at?" says I, my eyes bugged. "Off the gate for good, am I?"
"We are hoping," says he, "that the gate's loss will be the FundingCompany's gain."
I gurgles gaspy a couple of times before I catches my breath. "Will it?"says I. "Say, just watch me! I'm goin' to show you that fundin' is mylong suit!"