Changed

by Jean Booth

  “This is my home. It was the first place I lived when arriving to this land. I have updated it since then, but I fear I’ve not been here for quite some time.” He paused. “It’s past time it’s been cleaned out and lived in again. I own the hundred acres surrounding this lot, so we can run and hunt in relative privacy.”

  He took my hand, leading me up to the rickety old porch and in through the massive front doors. My mind was whirring at the history the house hid in its bones, the secrets it could tell if one looked hard enough. He stood silent as a statue next to me.

  I entered the foyer, blinking to allow my eyes to adjust to the lack of light. I could feel miniscule changes happening to my eyes, changes that allowed me to see better in the dark. When I was finally able to focus, I let out a soft gasp.

  Everything was covered in a thick layer of dust and cobwebs. The grand staircase swept up, curving into a balcony that looked over us. The chandelier centered in the ceiling held melted taper candles. The wax congealed in strips from each of the tapers’ holders. Simple sconces with melted wax surrounded the room. If lit, they would better illuminate artwork, delicate bric-a-brac, and vast entryways leading off from the foyer. The dark oak doors were all partially closed. It seemed as if someone had left in a hurry without looking back.

  I wondered why it was left in such disarray. It didn’t fit what I knew of Stephan. I looked back at him. He was framed in the doorway; a breeze ruffled his hair, and the scent of his distress hit me.

  On impulse, I wrapped my arms around his torso, holding him tightly to me in an attempt to ease his pain. I had a feeling he rarely, if ever, asked for comfort from people, so I offered it freely.

  He was tense at first, either shocked at my show of affection, or unable to accept the comfort I was offering. Slowly, I felt him relax in my embrace, eventually wrapping his arms around me in return. We stood there, holding each other in the doorway in an ancient mansion, listening to the sounds of life all around us. It was peaceful to us both, and a bit confusing. I released my hold on him and started to pull back. He tensed, unwilling to let me go. My heart beat faster.

  “Thank you, miña mascota. You have no idea what a gift you are to me. Raifuku is a fool. Forgive me, but I am grateful for that.” He leaned down and kissed my forehead, turned, and walked out the door. It took me a minute to calm my racing heart. I told myself that my erratic pulse was due to his belittlement of Raif, nothing more. I was unwilling to examine it any closer than that. When I was more in control of myself, I followed him, hopeful to start my training.

  I found him in the backyard, staring at the large, murky pond. The glare of the moon was bright here where the trees were sparse. It was like stepping outside at noon after being in a dark theatre for hours. I blinked, attempting to adjust to the brightness, but Stephan put a hand on my arm to stop me.

  “Tasha, wait.” He used his free hand to trace the curves of my face, successfully freezing me in place. “Open your eyes,” he whispered. They flew open, instinctively searching for his expressive magnesium ones. I hoped he couldn’t read me as well as I could him. I was devoid of breath, my heart pounding in my chest at his simple caress. Regret, dismay, and confusion warred within me. I shouldn’t feel this way about another man. I never thought I would. Raif was everything to me, yet Stephan’s fingers on my cheek succeeded at sparking a fire that burned deeper than any I’d ever felt. I blamed the beast. It had to be her; I knew I loved Raif.

  “It’s not possible. You’re too young and still untrained.” The awe was evident in his husky voice and in his expression. His eyes roamed about my face. For an ancient vampire, he sure had a hard time schooling his features.

  “What? What’s wrong?” My voice sounded raspy and thick to my ears. The words were difficult to form.

  “You’ve partially changed. Your eyes and most of your features are feline. How? Have you done this before?” He now had both hands cradling my face, turning it to examine it from all angles. I shrugged my shoulders. I had no idea that I’d changed, let alone whether I’d ever done it before.

  “I don’t know. I don’t think so. Usually the change is painful. This was easy. I wanted to see, knew I could, so I did. It’s hard to talk.” My jaw hurt. Words weren’t meant to be formed with a jaw that was shaped like mine. My voice sounded strange to my ears. He smiled.

  “Perhaps you don’t need my help after all.” He looked at me for a minute more before releasing my face. “You said it’s usually painful to change. Why?”

  “Seriously? My bones break and reform. It’s not exactly a party.”

  He laughed, transforming his face into that of an angel—an angel with sharp, pointy teeth, but an angel nevertheless. My beast was alert—craving him, wanting to see what other expressions she could elicit. I was appalled by her desire, knowing that my husband, my soul mate, should be the only one igniting that type of response from either of us. I pushed her down as far as I was able.

  “I understand the mechanics of what happens to the body during the transformation. It is uncomfortable, certainly, but should never be painful. I’m amazed at how you’ve been able to grasp the most advanced form of changing, when you don’t even know the basics.” He sighed and shook his head. “Rule number one is more of an understanding and acceptance than an actual rule. You and the beast are one and the same. There isn’t another creature, life force, entity, whatever you want to call it, living in you. It’s you, just another facet of your personality. Once you accept that, changing your forms will be no more difficult than changing clothing. It does require more protein than changing clothing, but you understand my meaning.”

  “No! She’s different from me. I feel her desires separate from mine.” I couldn’t accept that the beast was really me. If I did, then I’d have to accept everything that came with that. Her carnal nature, the thrill of the hunt, and the way she craved Stephan—it wasn’t me! It couldn’t be me. Mistaking my denial for disgust, his face softened.

  “I know how hard it is to accept the need and desire to hunt. It goes against your human nature. But the sooner you stop treating your animal nature as different, the easier the changes will become. Once you accept it, embrace it, you will find peace. Now, let’s see where you’re at. Let’s run.” His eyes sparkled in mischief seconds before he changed into a famed Florida panther.

  I stood dumbstruck for a full minute. I’d forgotten he was a priest and could change. Once I’d gathered myself, I held up my hand, telling him to wait, and walked around the corner of the house for privacy. This was going to be fun.

  I stripped off all my clothing, leaving it in a neat pile in the shadows of the house. I thought about how quickly Stephan changed; his clothes had just vanished. I then focused my thoughts on the creature I wanted to become, bringing my beast closer to the surface, giving her permission to take over. I grunted with the pain, falling to the ground, my legs unable to hold my weight when they reformed. I was breathing hard, refusing to cry out with the intensity of the pain of transformation. I felt her claws scrape my insides, looking for a way to be free. Just when I thought I couldn’t take it another second, it was over. I stretched in my new body, a black panther.

  I turned to go back and almost ran into Stephan. I snorted at him, trying to convey my irritation that he’d watched the whole thing. He turned his head to the side, shaking it in obvious disgust. I growled. He came toward me. Even in panther form he was bigger than me, and I cowered. It was a slight movement on my part, one that I didn’t intend, and it made me even angrier. I focused on being still and standing tall as he circled me. My beast was mortified that he was disappointed in us. She wanted control over this body so she could show him that we could do better. It was a struggle to keep her contained.

  He came around my side and butted his head against me, marking me with his cheek. My beast instantly relaxed; his show of affection as successful as a hug. Face to face, he gave me a wink and ran off. I sprinted after him. He made it into the trees, and I lost hi
m. I wasn’t used to running with anyone, and I had no idea what to do. I attempted to give my beast control slowly, but she broke through my barriers and gained control of our body. I was now an onlooker to her behavior as I had been the first time I’d changed. I could only pray she wouldn’t do something unforgivable.

  He pounced on us before we had a chance to even start scenting for him, and we growled. We tumbled in the forest, crashing against the brush in a tangled mess of tan and black fur. I shared my beast’s joy at being able to play with another. We tricked Stephan into thinking we were going to pin him, and just as he went to brace for our attack, we bolted. We ran full out into the Everglades, not caring that we were on unfamiliar terrain, just loving the chase. We were lithe, graceful, and silent. We began to scent the things around us and take note of the many sounds of the woods.

  We jumped over a tree that had grown sideways, deliberately scraping our belly on the top of the trunk before circling back to wait under a palmetto branch for Stephan. We lay there, crouched under the branch in anticipation for hour-long minutes. The tip of our tail twitched in anticipation of our sneak attack. My beast’s excitement filled me with such joy, and for the first time since coming back from Atlantis, I was giddy.

  He was even stealthier than I, but we were able to hear his soft fur brush against a branch. We crouched farther down, claws digging into the soft soil, tail held straight out behind us. We vibrated with excitement as he walked past, following our scent trail. He was deliberately using only his nose to find us. Had he opened his other senses, he would never have been surprised at our games.

  He stopped completely as he reached the tree we had scent marked, belatedly realizing he had entered a trap. We pounced, barreling into his side with enough force to knock over a car. Purring with the impact, we rolled over him and turned for a second attack. He was lying on the ground, shaking his head when we hit again. This time we managed to stay on top of him, biting on the ruff of his neck to declare our dominance over him. He wouldn’t have any part of a smaller female dominating him and threw us off easily. We parried about the small area, vying for supremacy, nipping and play fighting with each other until we were panting from exhaustion.

  Our stomachs growled, and I nodded my head at Stephan to indicate that I was ready to head back. He shook his head, raising his nose to the air. My beast knew what he wanted us to do, and she was game. Even knowing I forbade it, was appalled by it, she lifted our nose and sniffed. Very faint, there was the scent of small mammals on the air. I screamed my denial yet was ignored. She forced us to our feet and, despite myself, I felt anticipation for the hunt. Sniffing the area for the scent, we pinpointed it and were off.

  We maintained a steady tempo until we spotted a den. Stephan nudged our backside in encouragement. I was going to kill him for this. We crept up on the family of grey foxes and pounced before they’d even noticed us. My beast felt remorse, as I did, that they had to die in order for us to eat.

  Carrying out the act with as little pain as possible, we killed them quickly, quietly, and respectfully. Taking one by the throat, I felt a sick sense of satisfaction as our teeth sank into the soft flesh. We released him and went for the next, an efficient killing machine. We looked to Stephan for encouragement. I was appalled by what we’d done, but there was another feeling, too. As much as I wanted to deny it, I was impressed at the delicate simplicity with which the deaths were doled out, at the dignity the poor creatures were afforded.

  Stephan sat on his haunches a few feet from us, watching the proceedings with an air of approval. A shiver of joy coursed through us at his support. We nudged a carcass toward him, and he shook his head. We were to eat them all.

  We nestled down to start on our meal, glancing up at Stephan to make certain he didn’t want to partake. He was a silent witness to our first kill, to my unwilling welcome into the animal kingdom. Our stomach growled—against my will—in anticipation of the fresh meat. The bodies were still warm, blood moistening the meat. I was helpless to stop my beast from gorging on her spoils, yet I could feel everything as she did. The meat was juicy, warm, and delicious to our body. The taste of the blood-coated meat was an exquisite flavor dancing on our palette. The skins were easy enough to rip off, rewarding us with another muzzle full of the tender meat inside. All four foxes were devoured quicker than I could have thought possible.

  We were delicate with our meal, not wanting to drop any on the ground and eat more dirt than absolutely necessary. We licked the small droplets off our muzzle, cleaning the rest of our face with our paw, not liking the texture of blood congealing on our fur. I felt full and content for the first time since I’d changed. The experience wasn’t nearly as horrible as I’d anticipated. We did what it was that animals do to survive. It was natural, quick, and efficient—not brutal like I’d imagined.

  When we finished cleaning our muzzle, we looked back over to Stephan for guidance. We wanted to bury the remnants of the carcasses. We moved our paw in a digging motion, and he snorted. Cocking his head to the side, he shrugged, indicating that we could do whatever we wanted with the remains. We buried them, treating the remains just as respectfully as we did when we killed them. I was grateful that the beast wasn’t the monster I’d anticipated, that she had the capacity for compassion.

  The trip back to the mansion was subdued and slow. We didn’t race each other or try to play. It was a simple walk through the forest that gave me time to think about everything that had happened. If I was being honest with myself, I’d have to admit that I enjoyed the hunt, knowing that I could survive without the aid of another was heady stuff.

  Playing, hunting, even killing and eating were all things that I enjoyed with my beast. I wondered if Stephan was right, that she and I really were one and the same. I wasn’t sure if I could accept that theory, but I was having trouble completely denying it as well. There was a point during our play where I felt at one with my beast, that the lines of distinct personalities were nonexistent. I felt happy, content, and whole for the first time in my life. I knew that an internal change was on the horizon. I felt an acceptance, an anticipation that I couldn’t explain.

  As we approached the clearing, I stopped abruptly. I couldn’t feel the distinct essence of my beast anymore. There wasn’t anyone else sharing my body. I suddenly felt bereft at the loss of my beast even as I realized that she hadn’t been a separate entity at all.

  With shaking paws, I walked the remaining feet to the clearing where Stephan was waiting. He had already changed and was waiting patiently for me. I wondered if he noticed the difference in me. I wondered if he realized I was walking down the path of acceptance.

  “You did better than I’d imagined you would. It’s amazing how much you’ve learned without any guidance. Now, change back so we can get back to the club.” He crossed his arms, daring me to hide this change from him. I glared right back. After everything I’d been through tonight, he could have at least let me change in private. I wasn’t entirely certain what to do. I didn’t feel the same as I had any other time I’d changed. I was more complete in a way I didn’t understand.

  I sat back on my haunches, closed my eyes, and tried my old technique. Picturing my human form, I braced for the pain. I wasn’t prepared for the ease of this transformation. I felt the muscles move, felt that things were occurring to my body that weren’t natural, but it didn’t hurt. It was uncomfortable, but not painful. It was finished before I had a chance to completely analyze everything. I was left kneeling naked in the grass before a vampire.

  I stood, unashamed of my nakedness, pleased at how well I’d done. I inhaled, taking as much of the fresh air into my lungs as possible. I laughed, spinning in a circle with my arms stretched wide in joy. My hair gently moved across my back, the strands causing an involuntary shiver.

  “Perhaps our next lesson should be how to return to humanity fully clothed,” Stephan choked out. His eyes had darkened. Lust permeated the air, causing me to blush. His hands were clenched in tig
ht fists at his sides, his whole body humming with restraint.

  Refusing to feel embarrassed or ashamed, I marched over to my clothes and started getting dressed. I could feel his eyes on me the entire time. A flare of annoyance sparked in me. Had I known I could create clothes, I’d have done so. I didn’t particularly want to be seen naked by anyone but Raif.

  He was silent. The only indication I had that he was still there was the potent scent of desire permeating the area. It was a thick, heady scent that had my body reacting in response. I desperately tried to ignore it. I knew the reactions were involuntary, knew I didn’t love Stephan, but it was just so hard to explain that to my overstimulated hormones.

  I finished getting dressed in record time. When I turned back to Stephan, his eyes were dark, stormy pools of magnesium. If I wasn’t able to smell the lust pouring off him, I’d have been terrified. As it was, his emotions made me wary of his behavior. My pulse sped slightly in uncertainty. I deliberately held my ground, staring at him in defiance. I refused to feel bad about my ignorance. He could try to intimidate me all he wanted.

  “Stephan—” He moved quicker than thought, pinning me to the side of the house before I even realized he’d moved.

  “You should not play with things you do not understand. I may be your teacher, I may be ancient, but never forget that I am first and foremost, just a man.” His entire body held me captive against the rough siding. My heart thundered in my chest. I had no idea what he was talking about.

  “I’m sorry. What did I do?” My voice was soft. He hung his head, touching his forehead to mine, and closed his eyes. He took a few deep breaths, calming his taught body but still holding me captive against the house.

  “Forgive me. It’s been centuries since I ran with another. I’d forgotten the effects. I was ill prepared tonight. It won’t happen again. We must hurry back. You’re not safe with me.” His voice was a tight whisper against my cheek.