Kumbaya, Space Hippie

by Paul Neuhaus

  Our host cocked his head and his smile grew. The flame from his staff lit his face eerily. “Yes. Isn’t that ironic? I pulled them all out of a false reality. Brought them back to the real world. Now they fear me because I can send them to… another false reality.”

  “A false reality of your making, not theirs. That’s the difference.”

  Prometheus made a pffting noise. “Semantics,” he said. “Let’s have done with this. I think you’ll like the new world I’ve crafted for you. It’s a world where you can cavort with pastel ponies and engage in empty heroics and make babies to your heart’s content.”

  Whatever. It didn’t matter. He held all the cards so there was little any of us could do but accept his imprisonment. I didn’t bother looking at the others I’d led on this fool’s errand. I felt no guilt. We’d gotten as far as we could go.

  The Lord of Olympus turned toward Hephaestus and Hecate and opened his mouth to speak. His words were drowned out by a terrifying and unexpected cry. I searched the courtyard for the source of the noise. Finally, my eyes settled upon the sphere containing the Titans. Upon his throne, Cronus winced in pain and gripped his side. He stood, and I could see there was blood pouring from between his fingers. He arched his back and let his hands drop to his side. On his abdomen, a gash had appeared, and it was widening, leaking not only bodily fluids but entrails. A force pushed from inside. Through Cronus’ vitals, a manlike shape. It was as though the elder god was giving birth to a full-grown adult. Finally, the bloody shape dropped out. It fell not only to the floor of Olympus’ throne room but through the bottom of the sphere itself. As it did, it shattered the sphere and the reality the sphere contained came apart. On the grass, a creature plastered with gore stood and opened its eyes. Its eyes were deep blue and filled with rage.

  They were the eyes of a god.

  They were Zeus’ eyes.

  The allfather leaned forward and gave a primal scream. A birth cry. He raised his left hand and a lightning bolt appeared there. He hurled the bolt at the other sphere and it too shattered. Then two more bolts. One in each hand. One for Hephaestus’ cylinder and the other for Hecate’s. The bolts struck, and the two withered gods fell from their prisons onto the flagstones.

  Behind Zeus, the Titans appeared. Cronus still gripped his bloody flank. A length of intestine hung down. The rest of the elder gods looked none too happy with the trick Prometheus had played on them.

  My head swiveled. Where the other sphere had been, the Heroes of Elysium now stood. All their weapons were pointed at Prometheus.

  Prometheus spun to look at the Olympians. They were no longer trepidatious. In one fluid motion, they lowered their spears and pointed them at the usurper.

  Prometheus did the only thing a right-thinking former despot could do.

  He ran.

  Without thinking, I ran after him. “Mine!” I shouted, not caring if the people and gods and ghosts understood me. Prometheus had taken a grand white walkway out of the courtyard. It was lined with sculpted topiary and pennants and led directly to the palace. Ahead of me, I could see my quarry mounting the steps into the structure. The high, high steps. The door was far above the level of the mountaintop and it was guarded on either side. “Protect me!” the Bringer of Fire said. The guards looked down into the courtyard behind me, dropped their polearms, and stood by as I passed. They knew they no longer needed to protect Prometheus.

  The doorway opened into the throne room with the rest of the palace’s rooms behind it. Up a short staircase was Zeus’ seat of power. An enormous gold chair resting on stylized clouds. My enemy hadn’t made it as far as the throne itself. He was sitting on the steps with his head between his knees. He was breathing heavily. His fatigue reminded me of how tired I was myself. My calves still burned, and my lungs felt like they were to the point of a complete shutdown.

  But I didn’t care. I raised my gladius and stalked forward.

  But Prometheus wasn’t quite ready to cash out. He looked up at me with eyes like hot coals and said, “I didn’t do this because I wanted power,” he said, still struggling to catch his breath. “I did this because I was angry; disappointed.”

  I didn’t realize I’d stopped my advance, but I had. As I waited for him to continue, I noticed he had two trophies on either side of the dais. On the left was my Gene Simmons bass guitar on a stand. On the other, was the pithos, completely intact.

  “I risked my entire life to boost Mankind out of the muck,” Prometheus said. “I risked my life by giving you fire, and I lost. But, for centuries, I was content. Even as the bird tore me open day after day. I knew that I had given you your start and you would rise up. You would build. You would someday create a world with no need for gods. But then… My chains were broken, and I was free to see the world. But it wasn’t the world I thought I’d made. Yes, it was free of gods—at least the old gods—but it was a desperate place full of a pettiness that made me weep. For every one of your great achievements, you’d committed a thousand atrocities, mocking the spark I’d given you. I realized that I’d been a fool. I had, as they say in modern times, backed the wrong horse. Have you any idea how terrible a thing that is? To know that all your hopes—and all your suffering—were not only for naught but foolish from the start?” His eyes were brimming with tears. Either he was being sincere, or he was the Peloponnesian Daniel Day Lewis.

  I was unmoved.

  I resumed walking forward, intent on having his head. “Come down off the cross,” I said. “We need the wood.”

  Without rising or even becoming more angry, he pointed his staff at me and the blade of my gladius melted. I dropped the weapon, so my hand wouldn’t be coated with molten metal.

  Our eyes were locked. I could go either right or left. From his expression, he expected me to go right. I went left.

  I rushed forward and picked up the axe-shaped guitar. Before the little god could react, I brought it down again and again on his skull. He was surprisingly compliant. He didn’t raise a hand to defend himself. He was tired, and he was ready to go.

  Prometheus and I were spattered with blood. His blood. He still lived even though I could see flecks of his own skull hanging in his sticky hair. I dropped the bass and went right. I picked up the pithos, pulled off the top and sucked him in.

  As I approached the exit from the throne room, I said to Hope, “You good?”

  “I’m good,” she replied. Then we went back outside, and everyone was standing at the base of the steps looking up at us. Zeus, still soaked in his father’s gore, stood at the front. Hera, his wife stood at his right hand. Behind him, in a half-circle, were the Olympians with Hermes standing among them. Behind the Olympians were an odd assortment of space hippies, bronies and Titans. Pan held Taylor Chriss by the scruff of his neck. Petey was supporting Samoa Joe in similar fashion. Samoa Joe had one black eye.

  Pegasus hovered over the gathered throng. Hades and Apollo supported the badly-drained Hephaestus and Hecate. “It’s done?” Zeus said to me.

  “It’s done,” I answered.

  Zeus nodded. “My esteemed brother and sister have the strength for one final act before they move on to Elysium—escorted, no doubt, by my loyal messenger.” He turned to Hades and Hades nodded. Then the allfather looked back at me. “Will you do them the honor?” he said.

  “I don’t know what you mean,” I replied.

  But then, Hephaestus and Hecate threw off their support and each took a step forward. They both glowed yellow and a bubble appeared in the air over their heads. When that happened, I knew what to do.

  I shattered the pithos on the stairs.

  All the Evils were sucked into an alternate reality designed to hold them. They did not go screaming, but with joy. The pocket universe was designed for their pleasure (which meant they’d be unlikely to leave).

  The glow ceased, the two spent gods dropped to the stone walkway and were replaced by shades. Hermes came forward to embrace them.

  I looked to my right and, stan
ding on the landing beside me, was Hope. Again, she was the prettiest little girl I’d ever seen.

  Then something unexpected happened.

  All of the Olympians except Hades and Persephone turned on the Titans and attacked them. Their assault was so sudden, the elder gods were taken unawares and driven not only back through the courtyard but over the edge of the mountain. The Olympians followed after.

  I was surprised at first, but the feeling didn’t last. The Titans were not fit to live amongst civilized creatures. The Olympians would seal them back inside Tartarus and the world would be safe.

  Or safer, anyway.

  Hope and I descended the steps to stand with the stragglers. Keri was hugging her father. Apparently, diet hadn’t been the only thing keeping her in thrall to Prometheus. The fire-bearer’s death had undone some of her confusion. She looked at me and smiled. Elijah mouthed the word, “Thank you”.

  I started to reply, but Hades cut me off. “Alright,” he said wearily. “Dead people, let’s get you back where you belong. You’ve had your little holiday.”

  A few of the Heroes of Elysium actually grumbled like children and said, “No fair”. Nonetheless, they went. Hermes, hand in hand with Hephaestus and Hecate went with them. He took his hand out of the dead goddess’ hand long enough to flip me a salute. “Be well, daughter,” he said.

  Three shades hung back—Connie, Amanda and a woman I didn’t recognize. My two friends came over to me. I spoke before either of them could. “I’m sorry if I was cranky with you. Both of you. Your coming means a lot to me.”

  “Are you kidding?” Connie said. “Did you see what just went down? Of course, you saw what went down; you were in the thick of it. Anyway, it was epic. We wouldn’t have missed it for the world.”

  Amanda elbowed her significant other. “We also wouldn’t have missed this opportunity to help our good friend Pandora.”

  “Oh, yeah, well that too,” Connie said sheepishly.

  Hades’ voice again cut the silence. “Stragglers… Let’s get going, please.”

  “Can I come to see you?” I said. To both of them, but mostly to Amanda.

  “I wish you would,” she answered.

  The two of them smiled and turned to follow the lord and lady of the Underworld along with the Heroes of Elysium. After they were gone, I noticed the shade I didn’t recognize was still lingering. She was talking quietly with Tiresias. Ty’s birds flitted in a little cloud all around them. At last the woman turned and fell in with the long line of shades bound for the afterlife. As he watched them go, Ty cried silently.

  I approached the seer. “Was that your Sicilian lady?” I asked gently.

  “It was,” he said with tears and a smile both. “We made an agreement. To meet again.”

  I gripped his shoulder tight and hoped that he could see I loved him.

  For a time, the people remaining atop Mount Olympus broke into pockets of conversation. Space Hippies relieved to be free of Prometheus’ influence. Friends of mine happy and excited. Me thanking nearly everyone I ran into.

  Cal, Pan and a few of the others went to throw Taylor Chriss and Samoa Joe into the dungeons to await Zeus’ judgement. I had a feeling the latest Improbable Pursuit would be a little late reaching theaters. After they got back, they joined in the refreshments brought forth by footmen and maidens in silvery togas. Jack surprised Elijah and I by shyly approaching and asking if he could stay.

  “You want to stay on Olympus?” El asked.

  “I do,” Jack readily agreed. “I feel… at ease here. What I see and what I hear is… more in line with the dreams and hallucinations I have when I’m below. I think I might find some kind of equilibrium here.”

  Elijah smiled a sad smile. “Jack, you don’t need my permission. But I will give you my blessing.”

  The two brothers embraced. Then Jack said to me, “I’m sorry. I know this leaves open the question of you and me, but I think that might be for the best.”

  I pulled him to me and hugged him tight. “As long as they keep you happy, Jackie. The minute that stops, you let me know, and I’ll knock some heads together.”

  Jack’s eyes lit up at the prospect of me knocking heads together. He smiled and nodded.

  I turned to Calesius then. “What’re you gonna do, Cal?”

  “Huh? Oh, I’m not going to do anything right this minute. I’m gonna stand back; I’m gonna let it breathe. Then I’m gonna have a talk with Miss Keri Wiener.”

  “Cal,” I said. “You might just be the wisest, most even-tempered of the lot of us.”

  He smiled. “I might just.”

  Epilogue

  Hope and I moved into Jack’s little house. This came with no strings attached from Elijah Wiener. He never once mentioned the possibility of us getting back together. In time, he even started to date.

  I didn’t date, at least not right away. I got the feeling Sebastian Squire was interested, but I didn’t encourage him. He wasn’t a bad catch as far as catches go, but I wanted to be me for a while before I became part of a duet. Besides, I also had to be sure that he’d changed his last name legally. There was no way in hell I was going through life as Pandora Squingey.

  Keri returned to her old self. She also returned to rehab. I went with her. Twice a week. She also started a sweet, old-fashioned romance with Calesius.

  Eventually, I got up the courage to visit Donatella Padovano. Since I was stone-cold sober, I managed to smooth things over between us without a second shot to the vagina.

  Hope and I lived as sisters. We kept our own areas of the house but came together often to chat and watch spy movies. Once I even took her to a screening of The Bourne Identity at which star Matt Damon stood and said a few words. I thought Hope would burst from sheer ecstasy.

  After about a month, Zeus came to visit me. He was wearing an impeccable suit, and I told him so. “Do you like it?” he said. “Hermes picked it out for me.”

  I nodded. “Hermes has great taste in clothes. Be careful not to pick up any of his other habits.”

  The allfather raised one eyebrow. “What do you mean?”

  “Never mind.”

  The two of us sat down in the living room. Hope and I had rearranged the furnishings and knickknacks. Jack’s OCD was a little much for us. After my sister brought us all coffee, Zeus sighed and said, “I have a confession to make…”

  Hope and I looked at one another then back at the king of the gods.

  “Do you remember after you got shot and I sent Pan to offer you a chance to fuck off?”

  I nodded.

  “Well… I’m afraid I did something a little on the petty side after that happened.”

  “How so?”

  “You turned me down and, even though I gave you a new pithos, I took the attitude of ‘Fuck me? Well, fuck her too’. Since you blew me off, I kinda didn’t take away something I should’ve taken away.”

  I still didn’t know what he meant. “I don’t catch your drift.”

  Zeus squirmed in his seat. “I cursed you. I made you walk the earth for centuries gathering up the Evils and putting them back in the pithos. Me offering you the chance to fuck off should’ve been an end to the curse. In other words, even though you blew me off, I should’ve lifted it. But I didn’t.”

  I smiled at his nervousness. “Did someone put you up to this?”

  “Hermes. And Hera. But I wouldn’t be here if they weren’t right. I may be a thick-headed asshole, but I’m not completely without feelings.”

  My smile widened a little. “Which means…?”

  The allfather closed his eyes and said, “Would you, Dora, like to stop being immortal?”

  It was like getting hit in the head with a brick. I said something like, “I… Really? Wow.”

  Zeus opened his eyes again. “Notice how I framed it as a choice. You do you, and I won’t judge one way or the other.”

  “Take it away,” I said without hesitation.

  “You’re sure?”

&n
bsp; “Positive.”

  “No do-overs…”

  “No do-overs.”

  He snapped his fingers and put his hands in his lap.

  I don’t know what I was expecting, but I didn’t feel any different. “That’s it?”

  “That’s it,” he affirmed.

  I looked at Hope. She was smiling, and her eyes were moist.

  Zeus cocked his head. “What do you think you’re gonna do with your remaining time?”

  I took a deep breath. “I think I’m gonna let my hair grow out. And lose the rest of this spare tire.”

  The god was amused. “I expected something more… ambitious.”

  I shrugged. “I think my problem… for a lotta years… was that I was crippled by choice. I didn’t do anything because I was afraid of committing. Or something like that. I don’t know. I never was very good at analyzing myself.”

  He took a sip of his coffee and nodded. “You may’ve been immortal, but you never stopped being human.”

  “Thank you,” I replied.

  His smile broadened. “Oh, it wasn’t a compliment.”

  “Whatever. Suck it, Sparky.”

  He laughed, and we bumped fists.

  Books by Paul Neuhaus

  Company Town - Book 1 of the Quinn Henaghan Chronicles

  Magic! Monsters! Mayhem!

  All the things mousy Quinn Henaghan didn't want in her life. But now, thanks to a long-hidden power, Quinn is fast on her way to becoming the world's most powerful sorceress.

  Can she master her powers in time to save Los Angeles from the demon who's been ruling it for a century?

  Urban Fantasy at its finest! In the tradition of The Dresden Files and Doctor Strange!

  Aeon of Horus - Book 2 of the Quinn Henaghan Chronicles

  A priceless artifact! A dark conspiracy! An approaching apocalypse!

  Quinn Henaghan is again embroiled in a situation not of her own making. Thieves, witch-hunters, demons and rival wizards all want a totem she acquired but didn't ask for. As she weaves her way through this collection of rogues, she learns the statue she holds is the only thing that stands between life as we know it and the total destruction of the earth!