by LK Chapman
‘I started doing it because I felt like all the usual ways I would express myself were closed off to me,’ she said. ‘I was in a lot of pain for a while, and I just felt so out of the loop. And then when I first started feeling better physically, I didn’t want to leave the house, because I didn’t know how people would react to seeing me. But I still wanted to be involved with the world. I still wanted to do the things I liked, even if it was in a completely different way.’
Josh swallowed hard. He could see a way to move the conversation round to his own past, and he knew he needed to say it. Gareth’s comments about him being scared to open up hadn’t been as inaccurate as he’d implied, and he knew it had driven a wedge through relationships in the past. He couldn’t let that happen again, especially not with Natalie.
‘Nat, can I ask you kind of a dark question?’
A line formed between her eyebrows, but she said, ‘You can ask me anything, Josh. I’m pretty unshockable.’
‘Did you ever … did it ever feel like there wasn’t any hope? Like things were just never going to be okay?’
She was silent for a moment. ‘Yes,’ she said, ‘it did feel like that sometimes. Even when I started getting better, and the injuries on my face began to settle down, I still had moments occasionally when I would get overcome with this feeling of hopelessness, and I’d wonder what the point was. I couldn’t imagine what I was going to do, what my future was going to be like. Sometimes I’d wonder if I would ever be able to look in a mirror and actually feel okay. And I’m a positive person, you know? But everyone has things that push them, if not over the edge, then close to the edge. I’m just grateful I found something to hold on to. If I start drifting away, I have a dozen solid, important things to anchor me back down now. But there was a time, a scary bit of time, when I did feel like I was drifting. When I couldn’t see any way back to a life I would enjoy again.’
‘And Verity’s shop, and the vlogging, that all helped you?’
‘Massively. And spending time with my nieces, and my parents, and Rob. I’ve met up with friends I made during my modelling days, and some of them have been great, but others … I guess when you’re hit with something this big you figure out which people in your life really care.’
She gave him a searching look. ‘Why are you asking me about this?’
He hovered on the verge of saying there was no particular reason; that he just wanted to know more about her – which wasn’t untrue. But he’d come this far. There was no pretty way of saying it, but the words were bubbling up inside him. He just wanted her to know. ‘I … I tried to kill myself once. When I was sixteen. I know it’s not a nice thing to talk about, and you probably don’t want to know, but we’ve got so close, and I felt like I wanted to tell you.’ He was talking faster, his words beginning to run away with him. ‘I feel like you’re full of light, and optimism, and you do all this amazing stuff, and sometimes – a lot of the time – I feel like I’m some sort of dark void, and one day sooner or later you’ll figure that out for yourself so I might as well…’ He blinked and stumbled to a halt. What was he going on about? The champagne must have really gone to his head. Though somehow his words had done an adequate job of summing up what he was thinking.
Instead of answering, Natalie took one of his hands in hers and gave it a firm squeeze. ‘You’re not a … dark void,’ she said. ‘That’s not how you seem to me at all.’
‘But I gave up,’ he said, ‘I was weak–’
‘You were a kid,’ she said, her voice choked with emotion. ‘And even if you weren’t, stuff like that isn’t about being weak or strong. You can’t be hard on yourself, it doesn’t help.’ She paused briefly. ‘How … how did you try to do it–’
‘I took an overdose.’
A breeze ruffled the water’s surface, and she let it die down before she answered. ‘I can’t imagine how you must have been feeling.’
‘I just wanted everything to stop. I was in a nightmare, and I couldn’t get out of it. If anything, I thought my life was about to get even worse. I’d already been depressed and anxious for years. It got to a point where I snapped. I’d thought about dying loads of times, but all of a sudden, I just decided to make it happen.’
‘Didn’t your parents realise how you were feeling?’
‘I didn’t often see my dad because his work takes him out of the country a lot, and my mum and stepdad had no idea what was going on with me. I’d completely given up trying to talk to them by then.’
Natalie was quiet for a moment. ‘But it didn’t work … what you tried to do? I mean, clearly not.’
‘Toby found me.’
‘Your stepbrother? He saved your life?’
Josh’s stomach twisted uncomfortably. I can’t let her believe that. ‘Technically, yes, he did.’
‘Surely he literally did?’
‘I just mean, he was the source of a lot of my problems in the first place. Me and him didn’t get on well. At all.’ He paused. That was putting it mildly. But he couldn’t face getting any deeper into it. ‘The hacking I did, that I told you about at the reunion – I was trying to change Toby’s grades. To make them higher, not lower. To make sure he got into uni, so that I’d not have to be around him so much.’
‘That’s inventive,’ she said.
‘Well, he got in anyway, without me needing to do that. I never actually did it, anyway. I got scared and turned myself in, and made a total idiot of myself.’
Natalie snuggled close to him and he put his arm around her. ‘I’m glad you told me,’ she said. ‘I know it must have been difficult.’
‘No more difficult than you telling me how you felt after the crash.’
She turned her head to look up at him, and he reached down to kiss her gently. ‘We’re a right pair, you know,’ she said.
‘Nat,’ he said, ‘I’ve asked you kind of a dark question; now can I ask you a more pleasant question?’
Sitting up, she smiled at him. ‘If it’s “can we go and curl up in bed”, then the answer is yes. It’s late and it’s starting to get pretty chilly out–’ Her words were cut off when he knelt down in front of her, clumsily pulling the ring from his jacket pocket. His heart was hammering in his chest. Was he crazy to do this? They had only known each other for a few weeks. But they’ve been the best weeks of my life. But would she just laugh? Or be horrified? Either way, it was too late to back out and he found himself saying the words, asking the question, his face searching Natalie’s. But he needn’t have worried.
‘Yes,’ she said, as she grabbed him and pulled him back up. ‘Yes, I will marry you!’
He’d been so ready to start apologising – to say he hadn’t been thinking straight, that of course she didn’t want to make a decision like that yet, that he’d just got carried away – that her words completely floored him and he stared at her open mouthed. Had he heard her right?
‘I said yes, Josh,’ she said softly, with a smile that said she understood what he was thinking. In fact, it was as though his proposal hadn’t been entirely unexpected, and his body flooded with joy, relief, elation, amazement – more feelings than he could name.
‘You … you don’t seem completely surprised,’ he said eventually, as Natalie studied the emerald ring with great interest, turning it this way and that so that the bright green stone sparkled.
‘I chose the ring because it reminded me of when I first saw you,’ he explained. ‘You were wearing a green dress, and I’d never seen anyone so beautiful. That emerald jumped out at me as soon as I saw it…’ he trailed off. ‘If you don’t like it we can change it.’
‘No,’ she said, ‘of course I don’t want to change it! It’s perfect. It’s all perfect. And yes, Gareth kind of dropped a hint to me, once he was pretty drunk and you’d gone to the loo. He said he thought you’d ask me soon. I didn’t necessarily think he meant this soon–’
Josh stared at her. ‘Gareth told you!’
‘Don’t be angry with him. He probably wo
n’t even remember having done it.’
‘I’m not angry. I couldn’t possibly be angry.’ In fact, he was happier than he’d ever thought he could be. ‘Do you really mean it? Are you sure? I can’t believe you said yes!’
‘Are you going to try to talk me out of it now?’ she teased him. ‘Because I still want to keep the ring.’
He couldn’t help but laugh, and she laughed too. ‘Josh, I mean it. I want to. I know it’s quick, but I’m sure. I love you. All I want to do is to be near you, and when I’m with you I don’t ever want to be apart.’
Natalie
8
‘Well, that’s it,’ Natalie said, as she clicked upload on her latest video. ‘Now it’s really official.’
Josh smiled. ‘You told your fans we’re engaged?’
‘I did. I mean, I had to tell them I’d moved in with you – they would have realised I was filming in a different room to usual – and if I was explaining about that, I might as well tell them about the engagement too. It was a lot of fun, actually. And they’re going to want to know about everything, especially what dress I choose.’ She sat back with a contented sigh. ‘It’s too early to think about that, though. I need a chance to take a breath after telling everyone, don’t you?’
Josh nodded his agreement. They’d been doing a whirlwind tour of her friends and relatives over the past couple of weeks, and they’d been to visit his dad too.
‘Oh look,’ Natalie said, ‘a comment already.’ She quickly read it. ‘Told you. She said she can’t wait to see my dress.’
She turned to him. Was now a good moment to broach the subject? There had been some glaring omissions in the list of relatives they had visited. ‘Josh, what are we going to do about your mum and stepdad? And Gemma? I know we can’t exactly pop round to Adelaide and visit them, but it’s so weird not to have even done a video call–’
‘I’ve messaged them all.’
‘You’ve not even spoken on the phone?’
He shrugged, and she swallowed hard. ‘Josh … look, just be honest with me. Is it because you don’t want them to see me? Are you scared of how they’ll react?’
The expression of confusion on his face was enough to show she’d got it wrong. ‘React to what?’ he said.
‘To my scars,’ she said. ‘Do you feel awkward about it?’
Now he just looked astonished. ‘Nat, you don’t really think–’
‘No,’ she said. ‘No, I can see I got it wrong. I’m a little nervous about meeting them, though, if I’m honest, even if it is just a video call. I think I’d prefer if it happened sooner rather than later, so I don’t have to think about it any more.’
Josh sighed. ‘I had no idea it was upsetting you. It’s nothing to do with me not wanting them to see you. It’s more that I don’t want you to have much to do with them.’
‘They can’t be that bad, surely? And what about your stepbrother? Toby doesn’t live far, we could just pop round for a cup of tea–’
‘They just – it doesn’t really do me good to talk to them. It took me a long time to accept that. It’s hard to stop yourself caring what your family think, or wanting them to show you some sort of affection or approval. Or even to show they’re interested.’
‘They must have replied to your messages?’
‘Yes, they did. But speaking to them, even Gemma–’ A shadow passed over his face. Natalie had already guessed that the rift between him and his half-sister caused him particular distress, and he didn’t finish his sentence. ‘I know my mum cares about me. But she’s too afraid of rocking the boat with the rest of the family. She always has been. And in the end I just say to myself, if I’m worth that little to her that she won’t ever risk standing up for me, why would I bother caring any more?’
‘I can see you do care, though. And I’m sorry that they treat you like that.’
‘It’s not usually anything you can put a finger on. But before they moved away there was always an atmosphere if I visited them. I knew it was because of me. Even if I left the room for a second, it’s like they suddenly all relax and I can hear them laughing and talking normally again. I used to try so hard to be different, to make them like me. But it was taking over my life. I don’t want to expose myself to that any more. I don’t want you to be involved with it.’
‘Why did they move away?’ Natalie asked. ‘Moving to Australia – that’s a huge decision.’
‘When Gemma hit her teens she started getting seasonal affective disorder really badly. Her depression was so severe in the winter it was ruining her life – it was stopping her from enjoying anything, it was just awful. My stepdad has a couple of relatives in Australia, and they went out there one year for a holiday. It made such a difference to Gemma that they decided to move permanently.’
‘Did they ask if you wanted to join them?’
‘Not really, but I was an adult by then. I lived on my own and I could look after myself. I had no interest in going, but it hurt a bit, especially that I found out from Toby because they told him a week before they bothered visiting me and breaking the news.’ He sighed. ‘I don’t really even want them to come to the wedding, and I’m sure they won’t want to make the trip, but I guess I’ll have to invite them.’
‘You don’t have to. If they make you unhappy.’
‘I don’t know,’ Josh said. ‘I can’t help thinking what they’ll start saying if I don’t – they’ll think I haven’t invited them out of spite. I don’t want to hand them a reason to start giving me grief.’
Natalie frowned. She couldn’t imagine being in the situation Josh was in. How must it feel to not want your family there on the biggest day of your life? ‘Come here,’ she said to Josh, and she put her arms around him. ‘We’re family now,’ she told him. ‘And I’ll never make you feel the way they do.’
***
‘Do you really have to work today?’ Josh asked the next morning, as she lifted her head from his chest, where she’d been dozing while he stroked her hair.
‘You know I do. We’ve got stuff to sort out for that Halloween wedding. The bride’s coming in today, and she’s a bit of a worrier.’
‘Is she really having a Halloween wedding? Like, themed?’
Natalie laughed. ‘No. God, no. Me and Verity have done a Halloween wedding in the past, though, and it was a lot of fun. The bride’s dress was purple and black, and they had carved pumpkins as the table centrepieces. In fact,’ she said, suppressing another laugh as she recalled one of their most bizarre requests ever, ‘she wanted to have live bats released, you know like people do with doves sometimes?’
‘Surely she didn’t really have that?’ Josh said, his face a picture of incredulity.
‘No. We had to draw the line at that. But it was a great day. Me and Verity had such a laugh, and the bride and groom absolutely loved it. But I wouldn’t dare mention anything like that to this bride, Yvonne. Her and her fiancé only booked the wedding a couple of days before Halloween because of work commitments – it ended up the best time for them. It is definitely not themed. In fact, Yvonne made a point of telling us she doesn’t like Halloween. She said she’s never understood why people enjoy dressing up in costumes and that horror films give her a migraine.’ She sat up and looked down at him. ‘I’ll tell you what, if you’re worried about missing me today, why don’t you join me in the shower before I go?’
***
Natalie arrived at Verity’s Events to find Verity on the phone, a crease between her eyebrows, but then she made a sudden exclamation of relief before she put the phone down.
‘Bad news?’ Natalie asked, taking in her boss’s flustered appearance.
Verity straightened the bow at the neck of her green and gold floral shirt. ‘Yes and no. Photographer had to cancel – she’s having a family crisis. But she recommended somebody else, and he’s free, I just checked. So it should be okay.’
‘Yvonne’s nervous enough already.’
‘I know. Not particularly looking forwa
rd to telling her, but at least we’ve already got a solution.’
Verity paused and looked at Natalie. ‘You and Josh settling in to living together?’
Natalie smiled as an image of that morning in the shower flashed through her mind, her legs wrapped tightly around Josh’s body as he pressed her back against the wall. She quickly tried to rearrange her face into a more neutral expression. ‘We are.’
‘Have you decided what you’re going to do with your flat?’
‘I’m just going to rent it out for a bit.’ Natalie felt a slight pang as she thought of her bright, sunny little flat on the top floor of what had originally been a single large house. Although it wasn’t exactly historic, the building had some character that Josh’s modern flat lacked. But it had been a practical decision – Josh’s flat was bigger, and had a generous roof terrace where she’d already lined up bright planters full of flowers and herbs. ‘In a few months – or maybe after the wedding – we’re going to start thinking about selling my flat, and Josh’s too, and buying a house together. Maybe here in Yetley,’ she explained.
‘You’ve got it all figured out,’ Verity said. ‘I’m really happy for you, Nat.’
Verity’s face didn’t seem to match her words, though. She looked distracted, even a little unhappy. ‘Are you okay?’ Natalie asked her. ‘Are you worried about telling Yvonne about the photographer–’
‘No, I’m not worried about that,’ she said, and smiled. ‘Just been a tiring couple of days at home, you know. Kids.’ Verity didn’t need to elaborate, and Natalie nodded. ‘Honestly, V, if you and Rob need a night off, just call me, okay?’
Verity smiled her thanks. ‘Well, enough about that,’ she said. ‘Have you had any thoughts about a wedding venue yet?’
‘We’re thinking maybe Silverdale House–’
‘Really?’ Verity asked, a note of surprise in her voice.
Natalie blinked, taken aback. ‘What’s wrong with it?’
‘Oh, nothing. No, nothing. I just had visions of you somewhere grand – you know, sweeping down the aisle like you’re on a catwalk.’