by LK Chapman
***
‘Well, that was… something,’ Natalie said as they got into Josh’s car, both of them glad to take a breather.
‘Yeah.’
They were silent for a moment as they collected their thoughts, until finally she turned to look at him. ‘You seemed a bit uncomfortable. Was it better or worse than you expected?’
‘Oh, he just – he grates on me a bit. Well, kind of a lot.’
‘Mm. Does he ever turn the volume down?’
‘It depends which volume you mean?’
‘Just, like, his personality.’
Josh laughed as he started the car, though there wasn’t much humour behind it. If anything, he still seemed on edge. ‘I don’t know. Not that I’ve seen. Maybe when he’s at work.’
‘I guess I’ll find out when I go to take a tour of the hotel.’
‘Don’t feel like you have to do that if you don’t want to.’
‘No, it’s fine. Like he said, it’s good to build relationships and promote each other. I’m sure I can manage an hour or so with him.’
‘I’m not sure I could,’ Josh said.
‘Well, you just did.’ She paused, and reached out to touch his cheek. ‘I’m proud of you.’
As he drove, she remembered the pictures from the hallway. ‘He has a lot of photos – was he into photography as a kid?’
‘Yeah. Nearly always had a camera with him. It used to drive me nuts, to be honest.’
‘He’s certainly not modest about showing his pictures off,’ she said, ‘though I can’t imagine you’d want to look at ones of the lake. I’m surprised he wants to look at it either.’
‘It’s a beautiful place,’ Josh said, ‘from what I remember, anyway. But I never want to set foot there again.’
Natalie leant across and gave him a quick kiss on the cheek.
‘What was that for?’
‘Because I know tonight was difficult for you. It wasn’t that easy for me, so I can’t imagine how you must have felt.’
Josh laughed uncomfortably. ‘It’s nothing compared to spending the whole of my adolescence with him,’ he said. ‘I guess if I could get through that, I can get through anything.’
Two years before Mikayla’s death
Josh
15
‘I’ve got a surprise for you!’ Josh cooed as he stepped into his little sister’s room. She held two chubby hands out expectantly, and Josh smiled as he presented her with her new “Fluffycat”. He’d been worried that the toy shop would no longer stock the pink stuffed kittens, so he’d been filled with relief to find a heap of them still on the shelves. Soft toys were a lot more expensive than he’d realised, but even so he’d bought her an additional soft rabbit, too. He didn’t have much cash left from what he’d earned cleaning neighbours’ cars the past couple of weeks, and he’d have to cancel going to the cinema with Gareth that weekend, but it was more than worth it.
Gemma climbed into his lap with her new toys bundled under her arms. ‘Story,’ she said. Josh grabbed a book from a pile beside her bed. He was happy when it was like this. Toby was at his mum’s, so nothing bad could happen. He was safe.
***
His face fell at his mum’s answer. ‘Are you serious?’ he said. ‘You won’t let me outside the house with Gemma?’
‘I don’t think it’s a good idea right now.’
Josh stared at her incredulously. He’d asked if he could take Gemma to the playground just down the road, and a line had formed across his mum’s forehead, before she’d refused.
‘I’ll only be, like, half an hour. She wants to go.’
‘I said no, okay?’ His mum wouldn’t meet his eye.
‘What is it that you think is going to happen to her?’ he said. ‘I’d never hurt her. You know that.’
Now his mum snapped. ‘Why can’t you just go and do things normal teenage boys do?’ she said. ‘Most boys your age would complain about babysitting!’
Josh felt like he’d been punched. ‘I like spending time with Gemma.’
‘Josh,’ she said, realising she’d hurt him. ‘I didn’t mean – Josh–’
But it was too late. He fled the room, slamming the door behind him.
***
A couple of days later, Toby returned. Josh’s dread at this event always started in earnest a full twenty-four hours beforehand. His appetite – which was never good nowadays – had worsened considerably, and as they sat around the dining table, Toby stuffing cottage pie into his face without a care in the world, Josh just moved his food around the plate miserably.
‘What’s up with you?’ his stepdad asked.
‘I don’t feel good.’
‘It took your mum the best part of an hour to cook this.’
‘It doesn’t matter–’ his mum started to say.
‘It does matter,’ his stepdad continued, his eyes boring into Josh. ‘You’re not ill. You just want to spoil things for everybody else.’
Josh pushed his chair back, and practically sprinted out of the room. He seemed to be doing a lot of that lately. Why was no one else in the family always fleeing from rooms, from conversations, the way he did?
Later that evening, he crept back down the stairs. His mum and stepdad were talking in the lounge, so he sat halfway down the stairs where he could just hear them through the half-open door.
‘He won’t even try,’ his stepdad was saying. ‘He’s always upsetting Gemma, picking fights with Toby. I mean, Toby’s only been back a few hours, and it feels like we’re in a war zone again. And Toby’s grades are slipping. He’s distracted with everything that’s going on here.’
‘It’s just Josh’s age,’ his mum said. ‘I’ve tried talking to him, but I can’t get any sense out of him. Either that or he’s too busy on his computer. I’m sure it’ll settle down on its own, if we give it time.’
Hot tears formed in Josh’s eyes. They thought he was messing up Toby’s life? For a moment he wanted to march in there and tell them the truth, but he turned at the sound of footsteps. Toby shook his head at him in a firm warning. For God’s sake! Can he hear what I’m fucking thinking now?
He made his way up the stairs and towards his room, with Toby following. As he stepped into the bedroom, Toby pushed him into the door frame, hard enough that Josh cried out.
‘That maths homework you were doing,’ Toby said, ‘I hope it wasn’t important. It might have had a bit of an accident.’
Josh’s eyes fell to the desk, which was littered with shreds of paper. Toby had torn the pages of his exercise book out and ripped them up.
‘I guess you could start again,’ Toby said. ‘Not like you’ve got anything better to do, is it?’
Natalie
16
‘So how was it?’
Natalie looked up from tidying a powder-pink dresser filled with samples of handmade invitations. One of Verity’s close friends made them, and they were proving popular in the shop. ‘How was what?’
‘The meal, with Josh’s stepbrother.’
Natalie sighed. ‘Oh, yeah, it was…’ She struggled with how to explain it. ‘Interesting,’ she concluded.
Verity raised an eyebrow.
‘He wants us – well, me – to go and look round his hotel. He’s just managed to get it approved for wedding ceremonies–’
‘Hartbury?’
‘That’s it.’
‘I can pop along there some time.’
‘He particularly wanted me to go,’ Natalie said awkwardly, ‘I guess because I’m sort of family now. I know you usually go and visit new venues and I look after the shop–’
Verity waved her explanation away. ‘No, it’s fine,’ she said. ‘You can go, it doesn’t matter which of us it is. You can tell me all about it.’ She fixed her eyes on Natalie. ‘Okay, now you’ve got to tell me what you mean by your night with Toby being “interesting”,’ she said. ‘You can’t dangle something like that in front of me and not elaborate.’
Natalie just abou
t managed to outline the main points of the evening before the phone rang and Verity bustled away, so Natalie went back to tidying. She could hear snatches of the conversation, and it didn’t sound positive.
‘Well,’ Verity said as she came to join her, ‘I don’t know what to make of that.’
‘What’s wrong?’ Natalie said.
‘Lizzie and Andrew. They don’t want us to plan their wedding any more.’
Natalie looked at her in surprise. ‘Lizzie and Andrew? But they were so enthusiastic! Lizzie said she was going to watch some of my videos about wedding planning–’
A shadow crossed Verity’s face.
‘V? What is it?’ Natalie asked, a heavy feeling settling in her stomach. Although she did her best to ignore them, the comments on her videos and social media hadn’t stopped. In fact, just thinking about going online made her feel sick now, as the words would start swirling in front of her eyes again no matter how much she tried to forget them.
Why are you still with him?
Josh is a murderer
Are you that desperate Natalie?
Do you think because of your scars you can’t do better than a killer?
Have some self-respect!
Everyone knows Mikayla’s death wasn’t an accident. The inquest was a joke.
What are you teaching young girls who follow you? That violence is ok?
Who are you trying to fool Nat? You talk about confidence but you’re clearly insecure to stay with josh
I used to look up to you but now you’re just a joke
You’re ugly inside and out
The comments and messages came in sporadic bursts: sometimes she’d get a day’s respite, only to be inundated late at night, or the next morning. She’d found herself shaking once or twice when she picked up her phone, scared of what she would read next, and she wasn’t sleeping well. She’d tried to keep the true extent of it hidden from Josh, as well as Rob and Verity and the rest of her family, by deleting as much of the abuse as she could, but sometimes she just wasn’t quick enough, or it simply wasn’t possible – not when this person seemed to be everywhere online that she was. It was inevitable that people would realise sooner or later what she was going through. But she hadn’t expected it to start affecting her job, taking business away from her and Verity. Briefly, she hovered on the verge of completely breaking down – screaming, crying, she didn’t know what – but she quickly composed herself. She wouldn’t let herself be brought down like this. She wouldn’t let them win. It was just a bunch of stupid words, it didn’t mean anything. But it was so relentless.
Verity put her arm around Natalie. ‘Why didn’t you tell me?’ she said. ‘I had … I admit I have seen some of it, but I didn’t know how to bring it up–’
‘Did Lizzie say she didn’t want us to plan her wedding because of it? Because of some stupid bully?’
‘Well, it was the stuff about…’ Verity shifted uncomfortably.
‘The stuff about Josh. The rumours.’
‘It’s ridiculous,’ Verity said, ‘and besides, it obviously wasn’t Josh–’
‘Of course not, the police–’
‘I don’t mean that.’ Verity lowered her voice conspiratorially. ‘I heard some talk. One of my friends – you know Caitlyn Ward – her mum used to teach at the school you and Josh and Toby went to. Apparently there’s always been a lot of question marks about that day. There was someone else there at the lake, someone no one ever managed to speak to. A stranger, or maybe some friend of Josh’s stepbrother or something. If you ask me, that whole business was never cleared up properly. Caitlyn’s mum still talks about it, all these years later. And about what Josh did to try to save that poor girl. It could easily have ended in a double tragedy that day.’
Natalie shivered. ‘I don’t really like thinking about it, to be honest. And it upsets Josh. He still feels bad that he couldn’t save Mikayla.’
‘Well, he shouldn’t. And Nat, I know it must be hard, but try to ignore this stuff.’
Natalie shook her head, thinking of Lizzie and Andrew. ‘But one of our couples has changed their mind about us. We’ve lost business because of it.’
‘I know. But there’s nothing we can do about that now. We just have to move on. There are plenty of other couples.’
Natalie turned at a flash of colour outside the window. A woman was dashing across the road, pulling the hood of a fuchsia raincoat tight around her face to protect herself from the fat drops of rain that had begun to fall. It was one of their brides-to-be. ‘That’s Carmel coming,’ Natalie said. ‘I hope nothing else has gone wrong for her. She’s already had that big bust-up with her sister–’
Natalie couldn’t say any more as the door to the shop burst open and Carmel stepped inside, gratefully freeing her tangle of tight black curls from under her hood. ‘You are still open, aren’t you?’ she said as she caught sight of their slightly startled faces. ‘I know it’s a bit late in the day, I just wanted to have a quick chat–’
Verity instantly put a smile back on as she leapt up. ‘Yes. Yes, sorry Carmel. Please come in and sit down. Can I get you a tea? Coffee?’
Carmel nodded without saying which drink she wanted, and Natalie, sensing something was wrong, put a hand on her arm and looked at her sympathetically. Carmel let out a sob. ‘Sorry,’ she said. ‘Sorry, I–’ She took a moment to catch her breath. ‘I don’t know what I’d do without you, Natalie. And you, Verity,’ she added as an afterthought. Natalie thought Verity looked slightly miffed, but she quickly hid it. ‘You’re better to talk to than my own family,’ Carmel continued, her eyes back on Natalie. ‘They think I’m being hysterical, but you get it. You know how important it is for me that everything is perfect after the year I’ve had…’
Natalie smiled warmly and guided Carmel over to the table in the window. ‘Don’t worry,’ she said, ‘weddings always make emotions run high. Whatever you’re worried about, I’m sure it’s nothing we haven’t heard here before.’
***
‘Tough day?’ Josh asked when he arrived home from the office and found her curled up under a blanket on the sofa, holding a mug with both hands and staring listlessly at the TV.
She turned to him, and one look at his face and the kindness in his eyes made her worries ease a little. ‘You could say that. One of our brides is having a wobble about her wedding dress. She’s had a really difficult year and she’s done so well losing a lot of weight after a health scare. She wants a dress to represent her journey, but I’ve got to be honest, I’m not sure she’ll ever find something she’s truly happy with.’
‘That sounds challenging.’
‘Yes, and it’s not really something we can solve for her – she just wanted to chat. She’s going to see her dressmaker tomorrow and talk it through.’ Natalie stifled a yawn. It had been a very long day. ‘She’s also decided she wants bespoke ice sculptures, so we’ve got to try and organise that last minute. I’m kind of excited about it – we don’t get asked for them very often. But I feel done in right now. I think I need to sleep for about a week.’
‘I’ll order a takeaway,’ he said. ‘You stay right there.’
She held her hand out to him. ‘Josh, come here a second.’
She quickly outlined how they’d lost a customer because of the web trolling, and Josh put his hand up to his forehead. ‘This is still going on?’ he said. ‘Nat, you haven’t mentioned it. Is it still about me?’
She paused. Was it really worth upsetting him? He’d take it badly, but then, she could hardly lie. He could easily just read it all himself if he wanted to. There was far too much for her to try to hide it. ‘A lot of it is,’ she said honestly. ‘Not all of it, but … mostly.’
He sank down onto the sofa next to her and didn’t speak for a long time.
‘Josh?’ she said.
‘I’m like a curse,’ he said.
Natalie looked at him closely, taken aback by how dark he’d sounded.
‘No,’ she said, ‘n
o, you’re not. This idiot who’s doing this, they’re just twisted. Nobody believes it.’
‘Your client believed it.’
‘Our clients don’t know you.’
Josh rested his forehead in his hand. ‘I can’t believe this. Why do things like this keep happening? Why can’t everything just … just stop.’
‘Listen to me,’ she said, alarmed by his reaction. ‘It’s nonsense, okay. I know it’s nonsense. It’s not even you they’re trying to hurt, it’s me, and as far as I’m concerned they can just fuck off. Now let’s order some food and watch a film and forget about this. Right now we’re playing into their hands by getting upset–’
‘That’s the problem!’ he said, turning to face her. ‘They’re trying to hurt you. If they were doing it to me, that would be different. But they’re hurting you because of my past. That’s what I can’t handle. If they’ve got some axe to grind about Mikayla’s death, take it up with me, for God’s sake! It’s nothing to do with you.’
‘They’re not hurting me,’ she lied. ‘I’ve dealt with much worse than a stupid troll. It’s like water off a duck’s back.’
Josh shook his head helplessly. ‘Who is doing this? Why would somebody want to drag all this up again? It was bad enough at the time – why bring it up now, and why like this? Why by attacking you? I can’t think why anyone would want to try and upset you.’
Natalie let out a long breath. ‘I don’t know either. And we might never know, but I’m sure they’ll get bored soon. They can’t carry on doing this forever. They want to make me doubt you, and that’s not going to happen. Besides,’ she said, ‘when I was talking to Verity about it, she said some people still say there was someone else at the lake that day – someone nobody has ever identified. It seems to me like the whole story of what happened that day has turned into a bit of an urban legend. But still, if there’s any question marks, they’re surely about this stranger.’
‘Who did Verity hear this from?’ Josh asked.
‘Her friend’s mum was a teacher at our school. Mrs Ward, remember? She still seems to be holding on to some conspiracy theory about it all.’