by LK Chapman
‘Well, I never heard anything about it,’ Josh said, his forehead creased. ‘I don’t remember it coming up at the inquest.’
‘Exactly. Like I said, it’s just one of these weird rumours that carries on because people like a mystery.’
Josh nodded slowly, but his frown remained, and his eyes were dark and troubled.
Josh
17
‘A stranger?’ Gareth said slowly.
‘Apparently.’
‘And who on earth is saying this crap?’
Josh explained, and Gareth rolled his eyes. ‘For God’s sake, do people really have nothing better to do? That Mrs Ward was always so nosy.’
‘Well, you tell me whether you really felt the whole thing was properly resolved? Why was Mikayla over the other side of the lake on her own? Everyone else was near the campsite–’
‘You weren’t,’ Gareth said.
‘You know what I mean.’
Gareth rubbed his temples and gave Josh a firm look. ‘When you said you wanted to meet for a drink I thought you were going to tell me you and Nat were going to have a baby or something. Not this crap.’
‘Babies are the last thing we’re thinking about right now,’ Josh said, his head beginning to pound. Why had Gareth suggested such a loud, crowded bar for them to meet in? He longed to be in the corner of a quiet pub to have a conversation like this. But that wasn’t really Gareth’s style. ‘Planning the wedding and dealing with this troll hounding Natalie day and night, that’s all we can think about. I caught her staring at her scars in the mirror this morning. She tried to pretend that’s not what she was doing, but I think it’s starting to affect her, having someone constantly attacking her and the decisions she’s making.’
‘Natalie wouldn’t let stuff like that get her down,’ Gareth said matter-of-factly.
‘It’s constant, though. And the vlogging used to be her escape. By attacking her online this person has cut off what used to be her place to be creative and be herself. It’s affecting her more than she wants to let on, and it’s killing me that it seems to be about what happened to Mikayla. It’s happening because of me.’
‘Why don’t you find out who it is?’ Gareth said. ‘You could do it, couldn’t you? Not that I’m in any doubt about who’s behind it.’
‘Gareth, I can’t . At the very least I’d lose my job if I started spending my time hacking people’s social media and got found out. I’m not doing that. Natalie wouldn’t want me to do that. And it’s not Toby. Why would he suddenly start this now?’
‘Well, you’ve got to figure out who is doing this. Someone is going around saying you’re a murderer. A murderer. And, what, you think it’s fine for someone to do that, but it’s not fine for you to defend yourself by finding out who it is and telling them to shut the fuck up?’
‘That is how the world works,’ Josh said helplessly.
Gareth finished his drink and pushed the glass away from him. ‘Well, this evening was a real downer,’ he said.
‘I’m sorry I couldn’t be more entertaining. But no one else is going to get it like you do. You were there – you know how weird that weekend was.’
‘I don’t mind talking about it, Josh, if that’s really what you want to do. Yes it was weird. It was a load of hormonal teenagers, booze and no adults. Of course it was weird.’
‘Someone knows more than they’re letting on,’ Josh said. ‘Either that, or–’
‘Shit!’ Gareth said suddenly, as a woman knocked into him and half her drink spilt down his shirt.
‘Sorry, sorry!’ the woman said drunkenly as she rushed by, the remainder of her drink still sloshing around in its glass.
‘Great,’ he said, looking down at his shirt in disgust. ‘This night is a gift that just keeps on giving.’ He stared after the woman, clearly considering whether it was worth going over to her and trying his luck.
‘Gareth,’ Josh said. ‘That’s not why we’re here.’
‘That might not be why you are here,’ Gareth said, ‘but I’m not about to get married.’ He fixed Josh with a look. ‘If I ever somehow do end up about to get married, talk some sense into me, okay?’
Josh grabbed his friend’s arm to stop him turning to look at the woman again.
‘I know what it is you want to say,’ Gareth said. ‘And I don’t want you to say it. That sort of shit is going to end up with you the wrong side of a pile of painkillers again, and I’m not going to let you go there.’ He raised his voice. ‘I could strangle Toby. He’d love it if he knew he’d got you second-guessing yourself like this. You might be starting to forgive him, but I am never going to forget what he did to you. Do not let him get inside your head again!’
‘But you know it’s not entirely implausible,’ Josh said quietly. ‘I was a mess back then. I remember … I remember trying to save her. But memories can be wrong. Memories that are too painful can get messed up. Suppressed. Blocked out. You know Mikayla came to talk with me the night before she died, asking advice–’
‘Yeah, I could hardly forget, given how cut up you were about it. I don’t know what she was thinking. She knew you liked her, and it was bad enough she was going out with Toby, let alone coming to you for advice when she decided she fancied someone else. Who was it again?’
‘The guy who worked with her at that pet shop where she used to go on Saturdays. She kissed him at a party, but she couldn’t decide whether it really meant anything.’ Josh paused. Why did it all still feel so raw? He couldn’t seem to fully move on from it. ‘It was horrible,’ he said, ‘when she was talking to me, I could almost have cried. I think I shouted at her. It all got too much for me at the lake. I wasn’t thinking straight.’
‘She kind of deserved to have you shout at her,’ Gareth said.
‘Gareth–’
‘It was pretty insensitive, what she did. Why talk to you about it? She obviously wanted to wind you up.’
‘But what if it sent me over the edge?’ Josh hissed urgently, coming to the crux of the awful idea that wouldn’t leave him alone. ‘So that when I went to that clearing where she–’
Gareth stood up abruptly. ‘I’m walking you home,’ he said. ‘And you are not going to say any of this to Natalie, okay? That woman loves you, you are going to get married next summer, and I am not letting you screw it up.’
‘But I can’t stop thinking about it.’
‘Yes, you can. Because thinking about it is going to cost you Natalie. So just shut up, and sort your head out, okay?’
‘You never really dealt with all your baggage either,’ Josh shot back, the drinks he’d had catching up with him. ‘You’re hardly one to lecture me about relationships.’
‘Yes,’ Gareth said, casually. ‘My childhood was fucked up too. I never tried to pretend it wasn’t. But unlike you, I’m keeping my past and my present as two separate things.’
Six months before Mikayla’s death
Gareth
18
‘Wow,’ Gareth said as he took in the dressing on Josh’s arm. ‘You weren’t joking when you said he pushed you down the stairs.’
‘Of course I wasn’t joking.’
‘No, I mean, you actually got really hurt.’
‘They were concrete steps at a car park. Only a few steps, but there must have been something sharp that caught my arm as I fell.’
‘Didn’t your parents see?’
As Gareth predicted, Josh just shook his head. ‘They were further behind us with Gemma.’
‘And you didn’t say anything?’
Josh didn’t even dignify that with a reply. Gareth already knew the answer anyway. Josh had long since given up trying to tell anyone about Toby. All his mum and stepdad would ever say was that he should try to get on with his stepbrother. Either that, or that they thought he was exaggerating, had got it wrong, or was just downright lying. In any case, Gareth knew that Josh was too scared now to tell anyone the truth. Toby always made him pay.
‘Well, he fucks off
back to his mum’s tomorrow for a few days, doesn’t he?’ Gareth said, trying to cheer him up.
‘I wish he’d fuck off there forever.’
After school, Gareth and Josh walked back towards home largely in silence – both lost in their own thoughts as they trudged along under an oppressive grey sky. They spotted a group of girls on the other side of the road, just on their way out of the corner shop. Josh’s head swivelled to look at them as they walked along.
‘Do you know them?’ Gareth asked.
‘No,’ Josh said quickly. ‘Yes. Not really.’
Gareth watched as one of the girls peeled away from the group and crossed the road, her black hair tied in a high ponytail, and when he caught her eye he was taken aback by the directness of her gaze, her eyes large and fringed with thick dark lashes.
‘That’s the one,’ Josh whispered to him as the girl swiftly shifted her attention away from them and carried on down the road. ‘Mikayla.’
‘I’ve gotta say,’ Gareth said, ‘I don’t think the feeling is mutual.’
Josh gave him a little shove. ‘I know that.’
Then, to his surprise, they both got a shove, and they spun angrily to find Toby, flanked by a couple of his idiotic followers. Gareth didn’t know which he found more offensive: Toby himself, or the boys who would follow him, too scared themselves to not go along with whatever Toby said or did.
‘I saw you last night, hanging around in the street,’ Toby said to Gareth.
‘And?’
‘If you were hoping to meet Josh for a bit of romance, you didn’t stand much chance. It was way past his bedtime.’
Gareth cocked his head to the side and considered how to answer. ‘I had stuff to do.’
‘Like what?’
‘Like, stuff that has nothing the hell to do with you.’ Gareth turned and started to walk away, but out of the corner of his eye he saw Toby grab Josh’s arm. ‘Are you going to let him talk to me like that?’ Toby demanded.
‘Gareth’s going,’ Josh said, ‘we’re both going.’
To Gareth’s surprise, Toby didn’t push it. He let go of Josh, but his eyes glinted darkly. ‘I’ll see you later then, Josh,’ Toby said.
Judging by Josh’s face, that was a combination of words he liked to hear less than any other.
‘I guess you need to stay out of his way later,’ Gareth said.
‘Got any ideas how?’ Josh asked, looking at him meaningfully.
Gareth shook his head. Clearly Josh wanted him to say he could stay the night at his house. But he couldn’t. It was impossible. Josh could never come to his house, and that was that.
After a moment or two, Josh gave up waiting for Gareth to offer, and said instead, ‘What were you doing last night, when Toby saw you?’
‘I was just going to the shop.’
‘For what?’
‘I can’t even remember.’
‘Can’t have been important then.’
‘I guess not,’ Gareth said. It wasn’t important. Not the items themselves, anyway. But being at home could get pretty unbearable, and stealing from the corner shop was a rush. He shrugged to himself. He probably should pack all that in soon. And if he didn’t manage to stop this week, well, next week then. He certainly couldn’t tell Josh about it, either. Josh was so tightly strung already that finding out about Gareth’s shoplifting habit would probably give him a heart attack.
***
Gareth swore under his breath when the front door wouldn’t open wide enough for him to get inside. What fresh hell was this? He gave it an almighty shove, and tumbled into the hall, where the damp, musty atmosphere settled around him like a disgusting old coat. The hall was already stuffed with so many items that it wasn’t immediately obvious what had caused the blockage, but after glancing around he spotted a couple of newer-looking cardboard boxes that must have been delivered that day. Anger flared inside him. What the fuck had she been buying now? He was on the verge of picking the boxes up and throwing them across the hall, but instead he laughed absurdly. They’d only fly through the air for a few feet before they fell on top of his mum’s towers of mouldering old possessions; exactly where they would end up anyway.
‘Gareth?’ his mum called, ‘did you have a good day?’
Should he answer? Nah. Fuck it. He’d talk to her when she stopped filling their house up with shit. He picked his way through the narrow pathway of the hall, walking sideways at times to get through, and peeked around the living room door at his mum in her armchair in front of the TV, nestled in amongst decades of junk.
‘Gareth,’ she said, as she spotted him, ‘I asked you a question.’
‘I stopped wanting to talk about what I did at school when I was about five years old.’
She started talking again, but he didn’t listen, and made his way straight up the stairs to his room, closing the door with a sigh of relief. There was some excess stuff in his room – a couple of large plastic storage boxes stacked up against the wall – but she knew if she tried to sneak anything else in, he’d throw a fit. And in fact, she didn’t often try. She did seem to have a tenuous sense of respect for his personal space. But I still have to deal with her fucking hoard in every other room. Even the bathroom was messed up – the bath was full of junk, though thankfully there was a separate shower cubicle which had so far stayed clear. Because of her Josh has to go home and get beaten up when he could be safe here with me tonight. If I didn’t live in such a hellhole.
Suddenly, he was completely furious. He couldn’t deal with this, not today. He changed out of his school uniform and dashed back down the stairs and out of the front door. He’d treat himself today – he’d give the corner shop a miss and go into town for some shoplifting. He’d stay until the shops closed. Maybe then he’d go home, or perhaps he’d stay out late, late enough that once he came back to the house he could just creep into bed, and not have to think about anything.
***
To Gareth’s irritation, Josh wouldn’t shut up about Mikayla all of the next week. Eventually, Gareth snapped. ‘For God’s sake, you’re obsessed! Mikayla isn’t the only girl in the world, you know.’
Josh looked at him, astonished. Please, please don’t start saying she’s the only girl in the world for you, Gareth thought. That was just the kind of soppy thing Josh would come out with.
As if by fate, they turned the corner, and there she was. But she wasn’t alone. Toby and his friends were clustered on a bench at the end of the street. Along with Toby’s usual crowd were three girls – and the girl sat on Toby’s lap, with her arms around his neck, was Mikayla. Her black hair was tied in the same high ponytail, and she was still in school uniform. Interesting. She was their age, not Toby’s, who was almost eighteen. She didn’t go to the same school as Josh and Gareth, though; she went to the one on the other side of town.
‘I told you,’ Gareth hissed to Josh, ‘you need to set your sights on someone other than Mikayla.’
Josh didn’t reply. His eyes were fixed on Toby and Mikayla, and then he shook his head. ‘Why … why did it have to be him?’
His voice was so hopeless that Gareth rounded on him. ‘You know, you shouldn’t let him get away with all this,’ he said. ‘He fucks with your life all day, every day. You should make a stand.’ An image of his mum’s face flashed in front of his eyes, and he blinked it away angrily. This was about Josh.
His friend looked at him in astonishment. ‘What am I going to do to stop him?’
‘You know what!’ Gareth said, a plan quickly forming. ‘You spend half your life at your computer. You can hack stuff, right? So do it to him. You might not be able to kick his ass physically, but you can kick it digitally.’
Josh raised an eyebrow at him. ‘I cannot believe you just said that.’
‘It’s true, though. You could really mess him up with some of the stuff you can do. You should at least try to get something out of having skills like that.’
Josh was silent for a moment, then he shook h
is head, his eyes drifting over to Mikayla again. ‘If I tried anything like that and Toby realised what I did, it would make it even worse.’
‘It’s worth considering, surely! You could come up with something that he’d never know was you, if you put your mind to it.’
Josh didn’t reply, and Gareth’s heart sank. It would have been so cool if Josh could think of something to really wind Toby up, but apparently he didn’t have the stomach for it.
As Josh and Gareth approached Toby’s group, they tried to speed up to get past them more quickly, but they had no chance.
‘Don't think I don’t see you staring at us,’ Toby said, his hand planted firmly on Mikayla’s waist. ‘I guess it's the closest you two losers will ever come to getting any. Unless you really are fucking each other.’
Josh clearly wanted the ground to swallow him up as the gang of boys laughed, but Gareth was unfazed. He stopped and stood directly in front of Toby, who looked surprised at his boldness. ‘So what if we are?’ he said to Toby. ‘You’d have a problem with that, would you?’
Toby didn’t reply straight away, and the dynamic in the group shifted. With everyone’s eyes on him, knowing that he was doomed whether he said yes or no, he clammed up.
‘Yeah, I thought so,’ Gareth said. ‘Come up with something more original next time.’
Instantly, Toby was on his feet. He grabbed Gareth, and then shoved him away. Hard. Gareth almost fell, and anger pulsed through his body. He lunged at Toby and managed to plant a somewhat weak punch to the side of his face, infuriating him. With a bellow like a wild animal, Toby made a grab for Gareth, but the smaller boy was too fast. He and Josh sprinted off down the street, and when Gareth looked back over his shoulder Toby was back on the bench, Mikayla back on his lap. Toby laughed at something, trying to be casual, but it sounded forced. Gareth smiled. He’d really rattled him this time.
‘You know it’s me he’ll take that out on,’ Josh said when they finally stopped to catch their breath.