by LK Chapman
She raised her head to look at her brother. He was dressed in jeans and a black t-shirt with a skull on the front, his long hair flopping forward over his cheek. He and Verity made a funny-looking couple sometimes – with her so smart in her silky blouses, her hair always perfect and shining like it had been polished, while Rob quite often looked like he needed a good shower. She swallowed, and tried to rearrange her face to be as convincing as possible. ‘I don’t really want to talk about it,’ she said. ‘I feel really – I feel stupid, basically. I feel stupid that I got taken in by him.’
‘It’s him that’s the stupid one. And it’s his loss. He was never good enough for you, and he knew it. That’s why he tried to make you feel bad about yourself, to make sure you needed him and that you’d stay with him. Although why he brought up that girl Mikayla–’
‘Rob, I really don’t want to talk about it.’
‘Okay,’ he said. ‘When … when do you start your new job?’ He tried to keep his voice neutral but the disapproval crept in anyway.
‘I said I’d go in later today, but I start officially tomorrow. I said I didn’t want to wait.’
‘Nat–’
‘Don’t try to talk me out of it.’
‘I know, but – Toby is Josh’s stepbrother.’
‘I’m well aware,’ Natalie said, her voice becoming defensive. Try to hold it together.
‘Then you should be well aware that you need a clean break!’ Rob said, unable to keep his opinions to himself any longer. ‘You’re not desperate for money, and we’re not about to kick you out. You have plenty of time to look for a different job.’
‘I want this job!’ she said. ‘I said the same to Verity. It’s a good job, and I want to do it. Please try to respect my decision.’
Rob looked stung, and she couldn’t help but soften. ‘Look, I know what I’m doing,’ she reassured him.
‘Really? Because to me none of this makes sense. Verity told me that Josh said all this vile, sickening stuff about you, and yet this morning you don’t even seem angry with him. No rage. No disgust. The Natalie I knew would be raining hell down on somebody who treated her like that.’
‘Perhaps I’ve grown up since then. I don’t want revenge. I just want to get on with my life.’
Rob was silent for a moment. ‘It’s not healthy to bottle all of this up. I’m sorry, Nat, but you don’t seem to be dealing with this very … normally. You need at least a bit of time to process what’s happened to you.’
‘I’m dealing with it exactly the way I want to!’ she said, rising from the bed. ‘I’d appreciate it if everyone could respect that. I know you’re trying to help, but honestly, I’m okay. This happened to me, not you or Verity, so I’ll choose how I deal with it. I am angry with Josh, but screaming and shouting about it isn’t going to help. And I have things to do. I don’t want to sit around talking.’
‘You and Josh were about to get married,’ Rob said. ‘You don’t get over that overnight.’
‘I am not over anything!’ Natalie said. ‘I barely got a wink of sleep last night, I was so upset. But today I want to try to have a bit of normality, and I really, really want you and Verity to be on my side!’
‘Nat, I’m sorry,’ he said, getting up and reaching out to her. ‘This has come out all wrong, I didn’t mean to upset you.’
Natalie paused. She believed that. Rob could be a bit clumsy with what he said sometimes. She stepped closer to him and he put his arms around her, his head resting beside hers. For a moment, she let herself take comfort from him. He might not know exactly what was going on, but he was here. She could trust him, and he was on her side, she knew that without question.
Her phone jingled, and Rob let go of her. He looked at her meaningfully as Josh’s name lit up the screen. With a heavy heart, she rejected the call. She had to stay strong, no matter how much it hurt. Once Rob had left, she picked up her phone and pressed it to her chest as though somehow she could send the embrace to Josh. Just hang on a little longer, she willed him. It will be okay. I promise.
***
It was all Natalie could do to sit in Toby’s claustrophobic office and explain to him that she and Josh had broken up. She’d left it out of the conversation when she’d accepted the job the night before, but she had to tell him now, and she’d watch him carefully to see how he reacted.
‘But why did you break up?’ he asked her. ‘I thought you were so good together.’
Anger surged through her. As if he didn’t know! It was him who’d framed Josh, who’d made this whole thing happen! And now he wanted the satisfaction of listening to her talk about it, of hearing how hurt she was. Trying once more to cut herself off from her emotions, she outlined what had happened while Toby listened.
‘I can’t believe it!’ he said. ‘I can’t … it’s disgusting! What is wrong with him?’
Natalie’s whole body was rigid with anger and she tried desperately to relax her shoulders a little. ‘I’d rather not talk about it, to be honest,’ she said, using the same line she’d tried with Rob. ‘The whole thing is a nightmare. I feel so stupid for ever being taken in by him. I just want to throw myself into something and try to forget about it. I can’t just sit in my brother’s house twiddling my thumbs all day.’
‘Well, there’s plenty to keep you busy here, don’t worry about that.’
By the end of the afternoon, Natalie had to admit he was spot on. She’d spent much of her time getting to know the other members of staff, alongside Toby talking her through things in between dealing with his other responsibilities. Natalie enjoyed spending time with Angelique, who had a wicked sense of humour, along with a great eye for detail. The details were everything when it came to parties and weddings. Not long before she left, Natalie found a chance to speak to her alone once they’d finished discussing the upcoming weddings and other functions.
‘I visited a while back to look around,’ she said, ‘and I met a young woman called Chantelle. I was just wondering if she still works here–’
She stopped as a shadow passed across Angelique’s face. ‘She wasn’t with us long,’ Angelique said. ‘Some of the young girls don’t stick around. One day they’re here and everything is fine, then the next day they’re gone without even a goodbye.’
‘Did she say why she was leaving? Chantelle?’
Angelique thought for a moment. ‘No,’ she said, ‘she left without saying anything to anyone. Just like the others.’
Josh
41
‘Natalie,’ Josh said as he opened the door, ‘I’m so glad you–’ He stopped in his tracks. ‘Oh, it’s you.’
Gareth made a wry face. ‘She called me and told me I should come and check on you.’
‘She did?’ He put his hand against the doorframe. He was a bit unsteady on his feet.
‘You’ve been drowning your sorrows, then?’
‘Wouldn’t you be, in my situation?’
‘I don’t really understand your situation,’ Gareth said steadily.
Josh looked at him for a moment and then said, ‘Neither do I. I … did she tell you it was me? Did she tell you I was behind all that awful stuff that was–’
‘Yes, she did. She also said you were going to turn yourself in for killing Mikayla.’
‘She told me not to, so I haven’t, not yet. I will, though.’
Gareth gave him a firm look. ‘So, are you going to let me in?’
When Josh didn’t move aside, Gareth said, ‘You know what, I’m coming in, whether you want me to or not.’ He pushed past and Josh followed him through into the living room.
‘What’s wrong with me, Gareth?’ Josh asked, as he slumped down on the sofa.
Gareth sat down beside him. ‘Just forget Natalie,’ he said, with sudden venom. ‘I thought she was different when the two of you got engaged, I thought she actually gave a damn about you. But she clearly doesn’t. If she really loved you, she’d at least hear you out. She’d at least try and understand why you did wh
at you did. I was disgusted when she said she’d just left you, and I told her as much.’
‘Why should she hear me out?’ Josh said. ‘I don’t deserve that. She doesn’t owe me anything after what I’ve done, and you shouldn’t have had a go at her.’
‘So why did you do it?’
Josh shook his head. ‘I don’t know.’
‘You don’t know?’
‘Well, I don’t even remember doing it, so–’
‘What?’
‘I obviously do stuff like this and then block it out!’ Josh said impatiently. Why was Gareth making him spell it out like this? Wasn’t it obvious?
Gareth sat back against the sofa. ‘For God’s sake–’
‘It was all there on my laptop. I did it. Don’t try and tell me otherwise.’
For a moment they sat in stony silence.
‘It was my conscience trying to make me realise what I’d done to Mikayla,’ Josh tried to explain.
‘Right,’ Gareth said, his voice laced with sarcasm, ‘and the posts saying her scar is gross is because your unconscious mind thinks she’s ugly, is that it?’
‘I’m being serious.’
‘So am I! And seriously, Josh, I mean … what the fuck? Do you really believe what you’re saying to me?’
‘Gareth, I need you to listen. I’m not messing around – one of those trolling accounts was open on my laptop. What do you suggest happened?’
‘I’d suggest whoever is behind it can actually remember doing it! But if you’re so determined to think you’re crazy, how can I talk you out of it? If you’ve given up on yourself, why should I be the one to try and give you a reason to keep going? I tried to help my mum, remember, and a fat lot of good that did. I can’t help you sort this out if you don’t want to sort it out. Just stay here and–’ Gareth paused as he gestured towards the coffee table, and he picked up the bottle that Josh had been drinking from. Looking disgusted, he waved the bottle at Josh. ‘What is this? Why are you drinking this?’
‘It’s the only thing I could find.’
‘It’s pink, for fuck’s sake.’
‘It’s Natalie’s. She likes it.’
Josh grabbed the bottle of pink gin out of Gareth’s hand and tried to take a swig from it, but Gareth grabbed it back. ‘No way.’
‘Give it–’ He made a lunge for it and Gareth held it back.
‘Did you come here just to take the piss?’ Josh asked furiously. ‘Because–’
Gareth held his hands up. ‘No. No, I didn’t.’
‘I just–’ Josh’s voice rose as the alcohol fed into his already volatile emotions. ‘I just want to know what the hell is going on with me! Why am I so messed up? Why can’t I remember stuff properly? I don’t want my life to be like this, I just want to be normal. But I don’t deserve that, do I? My life is … it’s cursed. Because I killed Mikayla. Until I pay for that, nothing can ever be right. And Natalie … she would only have got hurt if she’d stayed with me. I would have ruined her life. It’s just as well she got out while she could.’
‘Okay,’ Gareth said, ‘okay. Here’s what’s going to happen. I’m going to take you out for a proper drink. Something that isn’t bloody pink. I’ll give you a free pass to go on about Natalie and this stuff all night if that’s what you want to do. As long as you keep your voice down, anyway. I’ll have a really boring and dreary night, but you–’ he clapped Josh on the back ‘– you are going to feel a lot better for it.’
‘I’m not going anywhere.’
‘Yes you are. And tomorrow, once the hangover has cleared, perhaps you’ll be able to figure this out. I’ll help you figure it out, as long as you start being rational. This situation with Natalie, it could be salvageable, but you can’t do anything tonight while you’re in this state. You both need a chance to cool off and think clearly.’
‘I don’t think it’ll make any difference now. She’s gone.’
‘Well,’ Gareth said casually, ‘if you’re giving up as easily as that, I guess it saves me writing a best man speech.’
‘Gareth, I’m not in the mood for jokes.’
‘No, you're right. I wasn't ever going to write it down. I was just going to wing it on the day.’
Josh stared at him. ‘Is this really a joke to you? Look, my relationship is over. I wrote horrific things to Natalie online, and I – I have to pay for what I’ve done. For everything I’ve done–’
‘Fine!’ Gareth snapped. He took out his phone and pressed three nines on the screen. ‘Press call then,’ he said, handing over the phone. Josh just stared at it. ‘Or I can drive you to the police station in town if you want. Come on, what’s stopping you?’
Josh handed Gareth his phone back.
‘Exactly,’ Gareth said. ‘Deep down, you know it wasn’t you. These thoughts you’re getting, these doubts, they’re not real. If you truly believed they were real, you’d have turned yourself in already. I’m not taking this seriously because none of it deserves to be taken seriously. You didn’t do any of this, Josh, and you know you didn’t. You and Natalie, you’ll be back together before you know it. The world isn’t ending, it’s just a bump in the road, that’s all.’
Josh couldn’t bring himself to answer. Gareth’s argument made complete sense, and yet, how had his laptop had those pages open if it wasn’t him? No matter how Gareth tried to reassure him, it still didn’t make sense.
‘Look, let’s go out,’ Gareth said. ‘I’m not taking no for an answer.’
42
Water lapped around his face. Icy and black, it sapped any trace of warmth from his body. It was dark this time, ripples in the water lit by the moon. He was about to turn back, to give up on finding Mikayla, when his hand caught in something floating, twisting around his fingers. Hair! He turned, and there she was, floating serenely. But she was dead; her eyes strange and milky, and she was drifting on her back staring sightlessly at the sky. He grabbed her, pushing her down, down below the surface. ‘Stay dead!’ he yelled at her. ‘Stay dead!’
Instead of sinking, she bobbed back up to the surface, and her head turned, even though she was no longer alive. ‘You did do it, Josh,’ she said calmly. ‘You killed me.’
‘I’m so sorry,’ he sobbed. ‘I’m so sorry.’
She reached out at lightning speed and grabbed him by the throat. ‘Then admit to it! Admit what you did! But you won’t, will you? Because you’re pathetic. Totally pathetic.’
Josh woke with a cry, his body drenched in sweat. He didn’t recognise the ceiling above him. Where the hell was he? He rolled over and almost fell onto the floor. He was on a sofa in – was this Gareth’s flat? Yes, it was.
‘Good, you’re awake,’ Gareth said cheerfully, coming in with two takeaway coffees. ‘I just went out for these. There’s a great place round the corner.’
Josh sat up, still shaking as the dream clung to him. Gareth looked at him closely. ‘You okay?’
‘I … yeah. Yeah, I’m fine.’ He accepted a coffee from Gareth, and winced as he took a sip. Feeling sick, he put the cup down on the floor. ‘What happened last night?’ he asked. ‘I can’t remember.’
‘You got completely wasted, told me if you didn’t have Natalie there was no point in being alive, you said you were still determined to hand yourself in, you threw up in the street, and then you cried.’
‘Seriously?’
‘Yeah. Pretty much.’ Gareth nodded. ‘It was good.’
‘It sounds terrible.’
‘I mean it was good for you to do that. It was cathartic. I paid no attention to the “turning yourself in” bullshit, I know you’ll have seen sense now.’
Josh frowned as hazy memories started to resurface. ‘I need to go home.’
Gareth picked up the coffee and handed it back to him. ‘You need to drink this. Then we’re going out for breakfast.’
‘I should call Natalie.’
‘No, you shouldn’t.’
‘Why don’t you want me to even try to make things bett
er?’ Josh asked, his voice rising. ‘I just need to know she’s okay, before I go to the police.’
Gareth sat down beside him. ‘You need to give Nat some space. You tried to call her several times last night. We’ll go for breakfast, and we’ll talk about this calmly. You don’t have to try to deal with this on your own, and I’m not letting you confess to something you didn’t do. You are innocent, and I’m on your side. You’re just … I don’t know. You’re not well right now. I should have taken you more seriously and seen how much pain you’re in. It won’t be like this forever, though. I’ll make sure of it. Things will get better.’
Looking at his friend, Josh was flooded with relief as he saw Gareth really meant it.
‘You’re not a murderer, Josh,’ Gareth said. ‘The most likely thing is still that Mikayla drowned by accident, despite what I said about her breaking up with Toby. You must realise that. If the police had had any suspicions, they would have followed up on it. But they obviously didn’t. Sometimes people just die in tragic accidents. Young people. You probably never processed her death properly at the time, and maybe getting close to Natalie triggered something and you’re going through all this grief and doubt and turmoil now. You should talk to someone about it, but not until you accept it wasn’t down to you. You can’t go around saying that.’
Josh nodded, and then he sighed. ‘I really need to speak to Nat. If I don’t try to call her, she’ll think I don’t care about her.’
‘Okay,’ Gareth said, ‘perhaps you’re right. But just go easy on the crazy stuff.’
Josh took out his phone and called her number. It rang a few times, and then cut off as she rejected the call. Pain bloomed inside him. ‘She–’
‘It’s not that surprising she doesn’t want to answer calls from you right now. But you did what you set out to do; she knows you’re thinking about her. She may well decide she wants to talk once she’s had some time.’