The One I'm With

by Jamie Bennett

  “What a bitch!” I burst out. “Sorry, but I’ve always kind of thought so.”

  He shrugged. “You know, I think she’s right about some of it. I have made some very bad decisions.”

  “What?” I was incensed. “No, she isn’t! No, you haven’t! You went to an excellent college! And who wouldn’t have taken the opportunity to live in Europe like that? And—”

  He squeezed my hand. Because, we were holding hands. I sat back against the couch, suddenly dazzled with the wonder of it. The last time we had held hands was when I had been a little girl. And the dazzle faded immediately, because of course, that was how he was thinking of me now, as a little girl. I had forgotten.

  “Thanks, Peanut, but she is right, and I have a lot to prove. Looking around at the people at this party, I’m very much reminded of it.”

  “What do you mean?” I asked curiously.

  “They’re all doing so well with their careers, their marriages. Some of them even have kids. I feel like I’m just getting started.” He was looking at our fingers, still intertwined.

  “They’re not doing so great.” I shook my head. “I saw you talking to Rogers, who graduated the year behind you from Starhurst. He applied to fourteen law schools before he found one that would admit him. And yes, he’s a partner now, but only because it’s his dad’s firm.”

  Brooks laughed. “Is that right? Fourteen?”

  I nodded. “I also saw Poppy here, the homecoming queen at Starhurst the year ahead of me. She’s been to rehab. Three times. And Chip, who you played water polo with, he’s probably going to get indicted for securities fraud.”

  “Holy shit! Really?”

  I nodded again. “None of it’s in the alumni bulletins from Starhurst, but that’s the truth. I hear everything about everyone. You can’t keep a secret in Marin.”

  “Rehab and securities fraud,” he repeated.

  “Most of the people you graduated with are doing fine, just like you are. But a lot of them are also full of it. That’s why it sounds like everything is so hunky-dory, and peachy-keen, a-one, top-notch…” I could have gone on, but I felt I had made my point.

  Brooks was laughing again. “Well, even if you’re inventing all this to cheer me up, it’s working. I do feel better about telling them that I’m starting over.”

  “It’s all true. There’s more, like that Harrison Malloy is already getting divorced, but you should just know that you don’t have anything to prove, not to any of those people.”

  He stopped laughing and nodded. “I need to prove it to myself, though.”

  “That’s going to be harder than going back to the party and making up lies like everyone else does,” I told him.

  “When did you get so wise, Peanut?”

  “I grew up,” I said. I stood and pulled my fingers from his. “We should go back downstairs and see how Scarlett is doing.”

  “I’m not being a very good date,” he said as we left the room. “Rosanna probably thinks that I abandoned her.”

  “Are you having fun together?” I asked. Maybe he didn’t like her. Maybe she was boring, and he was sorry—

  “She’s an amazing woman,” he told me. “Yeah, we’re having fun.”

  I swallowed. “Then you should go find her and tell her that it was a family problem, and she’ll understand.”

  “You’re full of good advice.”

  I was full of something, but it felt like tears.

  I could tell something was up as we came down the stairs. People were huddled and talking quietly, not the usual social burble, but excited whispers.

  I looked up at Brooks. “What happened? Oh, no. Did Scarlett say something?”

  “What?” His eyes narrowed. “Did Scarlett say something about what?”

  My mom hurried over to us. “Lanie, did you see? My back was turned and I missed it.”

  “Missed what?” I asked her.

  “There was an altercation. A physical altercation in the middle of the party!” She fanned herself with her hand. “Lanie, don’t slouch.”

  Brooks took off through the crowd to find his mother and sister, I assumed. “Mom, I’ll talk to you later.” I held up the hem of my dress for better movement and followed him.

  “It’s all right,” Pamela was telling Scarlett when I caught up. “Everything will go back to normal. We’ll go in for dinner now and then everyone will forget.”

  Scarlett was looking at her fiancé. “Did you hear what he said, when he hit that guy?” she asked Mats, who shook his head, looking impressed.

  “I’ve known him for years and he’s never acted like that before. I didn’t know he had that right cross in him.”

  “No, did you hear what he said?” she pressed him. “About how much he loves her? That was why he hit him. They were fighting over a woman. He caused a scene in the middle of the party because he loves her that much.”

  I felt like we were treading on dangerous ground. “Pamela, do you want my mom to start getting everyone into the dining room?” I took Scarlett’s arm. “Why don’t we go, too? Right, Scarlett? Let’s get the party back on track.” She shook me off, but she stopped talking to Mats about love.

  Slowly, everyone did settle down throughout the dinner. I spent most of the night looking over at Rosanna, Brooks’ date, and ignoring the people I was seated with, including my mom and Kristian. Rosanna was beautiful, just like she had been in high school, and she and Brooks talked and smiled throughout the meal. After dinner, they drifted onto the dance floor and I watched them there, too, the way he held her in his arms and they laughed together.

  “Would you like to dance?”

  “What?” I squinted at the man who I thought had asked me…what?

  “Would you like to dance, Lanie?” he asked again. “We played chess against each other in high school. You may not remember me.”

  Ah yes, my ill-fated days as a member of the chess club, which my mother had forced me to join. At that point in my life, she still believed that I had to be smart, somehow, to make up for my lack of looks. No, and I hadn’t been a strategic genius at chess, either. But at least I’d had another thing to write on my college applications.

  I looked at him. “Derek?” I hazarded, and his face lit up.

  “You do remember. It was probably because I knocked the board off the table during one of our matches.”

  “That was you? That was the best match I ever played because it ended so fast.”

  He laughed. “What do you think?” He indicated the dance floor with his head.

  I nodded and stood, smiling at him. It was pretty gratifying to have a near-stranger ask you to dance.

  “Do you know Scarlett from Starhurst?” Derek asked me.

  “Our parents were old friends,” I explained. He twirled me a little. He wasn’t a bad dancer at all.

  “I’ve known Mats for a long time. We had the same golf instructor,” he explained.

  “Oh, that’s nice.” I saw Brooks flash by and had to admit, it felt a lot better to be out on the floor rather than moping on the sidelines.

  “Scarlett pointed you out to me,” he said. “She said you needed a dance partner.” He smiled.

  “What?”

  “I’m glad I was there for her to ask. Mats and I were talking about going to Arizona next weekend to get in a few rounds. I need to tighten up my short game before the bachelor party weekend.” He started to go on more about golf, but I’d heard enough.

  This was a pity dance. He had asked me because Scarlett had told him to, to repay the favor, maybe. Brooks and Rosanna twirled past us, laughing.

  It was just pitiful.

  Chapter 9

  Katrina looked appraisingly at my feet. “Are those new, Ms. March?”

  “Uh, yes.” I looked down, too, as I squatted next to her little chair. I had done some online shopping in my depression after Scarlett’s party and these new shoes were the result.

  “I really like that color,” she said, and nodded.
<
br />   Good to have the five-year-old’s seal of approval on my footwear. Katrina always noticed my accessories.

  She leaned forward and picked up my necklace. “Is this the one with the pictures?”

  I nodded. “Do you want to look again?” I opened the locket to show her the tiny photographs inside. “That’s my dog, Maisie, and that’s my dad.”

  Katrina gently touched the picture of him with her little finger. I was glad to note that the finger wasn’t wet, as kindergarten hands often were for a variety of reasons I usually didn’t like to think about. “Your daddy looks like you,” she told me.

  “I know.”

  “My daddy looks like me. I like it.” She smiled at me.

  “I do, too. I like to see him in myself.” I smiled back.

  “Your dog is cute, too.”

  “Thank you. Katrina, I love talking to you, but now it’s time to get back to silent reading, please.”

  She nodded glumly and went back to her book. I was all for a little procrastination, but I did have limits.

  Jolie was waiting for me after school to walk over to our lower school faculty meeting. “I’m really looking forward to this,” she said, and yawned, hugely. “Got your quarters ready?”

  I jingled my purse. It was weighty with the plastic bag full of the quarters I collected for our faculty meetings. We held our stashes in our laps, and every time we heard one of the administration’s favorite words or phrases, we took turns quietly sliding our coins into a paper bag that we hid under the conference table. “Authentic:” yep, that was a quarter. “Whole child,” “best practices,” “restorative justice:” clink, clink, clink. We hadn’t exactly decided what we were saving up for; I thought maybe we’d give it to an educational charity, or maybe the college fund that Jolie kept trying to start for her daughter. Or maybe, Jolie thought, we’d blow it on drugs and booze. It was probably either going to be college for Nola or liquor for us.

  By the time the meeting was over, Nola was $6.50 closer to going to college, or we had half a cocktail. “Not bad tonight,” Jolie noted, weighing the paper bag in her hand as we walked down to the parking lot. “Shirley managed not to say ‘competencies’ or ‘paradigm.’”

  “She said ‘collaborative learning’ twice, though. That one’s like nails on a blackboard for me.” I remembered all the deadly group projects I’d had to do at Starhurst. Working with other students generally sucked, in my experience.

  “What are you up to after this?” she asked me. “What’s happening at home?” She made kissy noises and looked at me hopefully, but I shook my head.

  Since Scarlett’s engagement party, the equivalent of nothing had happened between me and Brooks, not in the romantic sense. We were still just as friendly, we got along just as well. That was wonderful, because it was so fun to come home every day to a friend. I really did love being his friend, and it was really enough for me. It definitely was, I was just fine with things as they were. As friends. “Nothing new,” I reported to Jolie. “He’s gone out with that woman, Rosanna, a few times.” My voice was very calm. It made a lot of sense, the two of them together. I hadn’t asked very many questions but Brooks had made a few remarks about seeing her, having dinner, going out on her family’s yacht. It sounded like they were having fun and I was very glad that he was. Really. I forced my black heart to feel that way.

  I opened my car door and wiped an errant web off the handle. “How about you?”

  “No, nothing. Nothing new.”

  I looked at her. “What’s up?”

  She shook her head. “I don’t even want to get into it. Just be glad you’re not part of the morass that is my life. My ex is rearing his ugly head, my family is as seriously fucked up as ever…Nola is good, so that’s enough.” She looked exhausted.

  “If I can help, I will,” I told her.

  “If you have any contacts with mafia hitmen, I’ll take them. Otherwise, we’ll need more quarters.”

  Brooks was in his office when I came home. I could hear him typing and the creak of his old desk chair. Nothing was happening in the kitchen, so I started what was going to be a very late dinner and went in to see what he was doing.

  “Brooks?”

  Maisie picked up her head and huffed at me. She was curled around his feet.

  “Brooks?” I repeated, louder.

  “Huh?” His head jerked up.

  “I’m making dinner. Do you want some?” I looked at him, as he rubbed his eyes blearily. “Have you eaten in a while?”

  He squinted at the clock on his screen. “What time is it? That late? No, I guess I haven’t even moved in a while.” He gently dislodged Maisie, who rolled like a log off his feet and ended up on her back. “That is the laziest damn dog in the world.” He snapped his fingers at her and she righted herself. “What are you doing home so late?”

  “Faculty meeting.” I was still watching him as he stretched and yawned. He looked as tired as Jolie had.

  “How much did you make?”

  “More than six bucks,” I told him. “It was a buzzword-filled afternoon. How was your day?”

  “Busy.” Maisie managed to infiltrate herself between his legs as he walked so that he stumbled and put his hand on my shoulder, leaving it there as we went into the kitchen. “I’m trying to do about ten different jobs to get this off the ground and I’m not sure I’m doing any of them very well.”

  “I can help you,” I offered.

  “You have your own job.” He took a carrot from the counter where I had been chopping them earlier and crunched. “But thank you.” I picked up the knife again and he crunched some more. “Rosanna left today.”

  “Oh?” My knife temporarily slowed, then I sped it back up. “Where is she headed?”

  “East Africa. For seven months.” He leaned against the counter, and took more veggies.

  “That’s a long time,” I commented. I snuck a glance at him, but he was just eating away, unconcerned. “Are you going to try to stick it out?”

  “There’s nothing to stick.” He laughed. “That sounded pornographic. I mean, we just went out a few times. Maybe I’ll see her when she gets back, maybe not.”

  I had thought she was perfect for him. Smart, beautiful, driven. All-around impressive. And then I thought, here I was. We had a long history. Maybe he would be able to overlook all those things, the things that I wasn’t, just like my mom had said.

  “What was your day like, Peanut? Anything funny?”

  “Always. Let’s see, I won’t tell you anything about boogers.”

  “Thanks.”

  “I only had to remind everyone not to lick each other three times, so that was forward progress,” I said. Brooks laughed, so I told him about writing Valentines. “Mac got caught up in the moment and asked Frida to marry him. She looked straight at him and said, ‘I can’t settle down yet.’ I told her it was good to keep her options open, and then had to remind everyone that there’s no kissing allowed at school.” I put the pot on the stove. That part had been funny, but all the Valentine’s crap was wearing. “Shit, I hate this time of year,” I said out loud.

  “February blues?”

  “I hate Valentine’s Day. It’s a terrible, terrible holiday, just a crass, commercial grab for money. And do you know anything about the conditions of the workers who grow and package all those roses? The environmental damage due to shipping those dumb flowers from South America?” I slammed the lid on the pot.

  “I will definitely not get you roses. Crossing that off my list,” Brooks told me. “You don’t even want to go out to dinner?”

  “I don’t have any plans,” I said vaguely, but then stated forcefully, “I don’t like to support all the useless materialism.” And also, I didn’t have anyone to go out with.

  “I don’t have any plans, either.” He picked up the lid of the pot and stirred. “Let’s do something anti-holiday, if you’re that opposed to it. Nothing romantic.”

  “No, I wouldn’t want anything romantic
,” I said, and realized I sounded very wistful. “What should we do that’s anti-holiday, unromantic? Go to the dump? Organize the garage?”

  Brooks grimaced. “There’s no reason to make ourselves miserable about being single. I was thinking a bike ride, or we’ll go to the beach. What do you think?”

  I nodded. “That sounds good. The anti-holiday. Last year…”

  “What happened last year?” he asked, then said, “Oh, yeah. Right.”

  That had been when my mom had called me from Las Vegas to let me know that Kristian had joined our family.

  “I remember my mother’s reaction. She was in shock for about a month,” Brooks said.

  “We all were,” I agreed. “But my mom seems happy with him, I guess. That’s what matters.”

  He opened his mouth to say something, then closed it, and nodded.

  Maisie, who had been standing near the stove, grunted and threw herself back down on the floor, tired of waiting for food handouts. She seemed very lethargic, even more than she normally was, which was a lot.

  “What’s the matter with her?” I asked, bending down to scratch her head. She glared at me. “Has she been acting weird today?”

  “No more so than usual.” He broke a stalk of celery in two and offered me half. “I made her run with me.”

  “She ran?” I asked incredulously. “The only time she ever did that before was when the neighbor’s cat was chasing her.”

  “That tough, is she?” He grinned at the angry dog morsel puffing on the floor. “She ran some, she got carried some. I put her under my arm but I bet I could hang her around the back of my neck.”

  And as much as she loved Brooks, I bet that she would let him do it. Both of us would do just about anything, I thought. I bit my celery, thinking, and looked up to find him watching me, smiling.

  “I wondered how it would be, living with someone again,” he said. “My last experience with the water polo players wasn’t the best.”

  “I hope I’m at least a step up from that.”

  He reached out and ran a knuckle down my cheek. “A giant step.”