How to Save the Universe with a Drunk Space Ninja

by Jay Key

  The Nova Texan brushed himself off and turned to see if Ishiro had done any damage to the gate. It remained intact. Betsy hadn’t even bent it. However, being a bit of a novice when it came to operating heavy artillery, Ishiro’s aim wasn’t as precise as his accuracy in wielding a blade. One of the shots had missed the gate entirely and had hit one of the brick pillars that supported the grand archway—and it was now scattered about the lawn. With the column removed, the edges of the impenetrable gate were now exposed, leaving a wide enough gap for Duke and Ishiro’shea to sneak through. The arched sign that sported the college’s lengthy name remained intact, miraculously balancing on the damaged support with only a subtle wobble. The bounty hunters hastily made their way through the newly-created doorway and started down the path towards the school.

  The campus was eerily tranquil. Class must not be in session, surmised Duke. The sun was beginning to set and nightfall had already started to consume the tiny patch of green upon which the school rested.

  “Any idea where the headmaster might be? Where his office is?” asked Duke.

  Ishiro’shea nodded and pointed to the building closest to their position.

  “Main Hall. Headmaster’s Office this way,” Duke read the sign aloud. “Well, I guess that does make sense.”

  The ninja repeated his nod.

  “Okay, then. Let’s be careful. Mazilda could still be here somewhere,” Duke said as he opened the unlocked door to the main hall. It opened with an elongated whine, a creaky squeal that could only come from an antiquated door attached to an even more antiquated building. Stealthily, the pair made their way along the darkened corridor.

  The next hallway was also dimly lit, but as the two turned the corner, it became apparent that the room at the end was either currently or had recently been occupied. The door was ajar and a light flickered from its depths. They sprinted down the hallway and pushed themselves up against the walls to either side of the opening. Duke motioned to Ishiro’shea that he would take the first glance.

  Nothing unusual.

  Duke pulled his head back from the entrance, and Ishiro’shea followed suit. The ninja shook his head.

  “Yeah, it’s pretty dark in there. I can’t make out much. We need a closer look.”

  The Nova Texan entered the room slowly, with his laser revolver drawn. Ishiro’shea entered with even less sound. They both remained low to the ground, trying their best to remain hidden in the shadows as they examined the room in more detail. They dodged and ducked the few flickers of light that twinkled in the room, hiding behind wingback chairs, floor-mounted globes, and tiny liquor cabinets. All typical items in the office of a school administrator. After a few moments, two things were clear. They were alone. And the room had been ransacked.

  Duke found the light switch and flipped it on. It was a disaster zone. The bounty hunter knelt down and picked up a gold-plated placard. It read: Master Ishiro Fukudome, Headmaster.

  We’re in the right place, at least, surmised Duke.

  Ishiro’shea noticed the nameplate. His eyes welled up.

  “Wait a second,” said Duke. “Were you named after him? I mean, I’m sure there are millions of people named Ishiro, but it’s quite a coincidence.”

  The ninja nodded slowly.

  “Drop it!” a voice said.

  The first thing Duke noticed was the voice wasn’t female. Or familiar. He also noticed that he and Ishiro didn’t have throwing daggers embedded in their backs.

  It’s not Mazilda.

  Duke started to turn to face the newcomer, but then a blazing blue beam whizzed by his face. It crashed down on the table next to him, splitting it in two.

  This dude has a laser whip?

  “Drop your weapons now,” the voice shouted. “One move and you’re both dead.”

  “I’m not following you,” replied Duke. “How can I drop my weapons and not move? Dropping my weapons, by definition, requires movement.”

  “Huh?”

  “Also, if one of us moves, you’re going to kill both of us. That doesn’t really seem fair.”

  “What? Shut up.” It was hard to tell if the man was confused or annoyed. Or a little of both.

  “Seriously—what if my friend over there moves? You’re going to kill me, even though I followed directions perfectly. That’s pretty ruthless. Conversely, if Ishiro’shea takes your demands to heart but I’m a tad frisky, he’s going to meet that big ninja in the sky. Hardly seems right. You must be quite the coldhearted murderer.”

  “Did you say Ishiro’shea? As in the Ishiro’shea that attended this school? The Ishiro’shea that was the—”

  “Salutatorian,” Duke interjected. “Yes, the same. But, as you may know, he doesn’t talk much.”

  “Oh yes, a vow of silence. I remember. But I remember his voice from when he first came to the school.”

  Duke started to slowly rotate. “Is it okay if we turn around now? Or are we going to get sliced and diced by your fancy electric lasso?”

  “You can turn around once you drop your weapons,” replied the voice. “But slowly. Just because I know who you are doesn’t mean I won’t kill you.”

  Duke sighed but placed his pulse pistol and Betsy on the messy floor. Ishiro’shea did the same with his katana.

  “Thank you for—kinda—trusting us,” said Duke.

  The assailant wasn’t a large man but he looked as athletic as a gymnast. He wore a blue shinobi shozoku but no mask. His face was youthful and his short black hair was matted and unkempt.

  Duke looked over at his partner; Ishiro’shea removed the covering over his mouth and smiled.

  He does know him.

  Ishiro bowed slightly. The man in blue reciprocated the pleasantry.

  “It’s good to see you again, my old classmate. I would not have thought it would be like this.”

  Even though the man had addressed Ishiro’shea directly, it was Duke that replied. “We’re here to find Master Fukudome. He’s in trouble.”

  The man shifted his gaze to Duke, but then returned it to Ishiro’shea. “What type of trouble?”

  No point in lying to this guy.

  “There’s a very dangerous assassin after him,” continued Duke. “A female. Goes by the name of Mazilda Cloax. She thinks the headmaster knows something regarding Ishiro’s parents. It’s pretty valuable information.”

  The whip master twisted uneasily.

  “An assassin, you say? Would this assassin have purple hair?”

  “Yes!” exclaimed Duke. “That’s her.”

  His eyes fell. “Then you are too late. She has already been here. She has already found Ishiro-sama, I’m afraid.”

  Ishiro’shea collapsed to the ground.

  “Do you know where she went?” Duke pleaded. “What she asked him? What he told her?”

  “I do not.”

  “Damnit,” the Nova Texan screamed. “Where is he now? Can we speak to him? He has to remember Ish!”

  The man returned his attention to Ishiro’shea. “It’s not good, Ishiro’shea-san. The master was beaten severely by this treacherous woman. But—”

  “Can you take us to him? We need to find out what she knows. The universe is on the line here, kid.”

  “For Ishiro’shea, I will take you. I know the master was like a father to him, in the absence of his own parents. I know the master would approve.”

  Duke exhaled. “Thank you.”

  “But, let me warn you, he is in very critical condition.”

  “Understood. Thank you again.” Duke paused. “Sorry, I didn’t catch your name. And we all know Ish isn’t going to tell me.”

  “My name is Yeop.”

  “I like your lasso, Yeop.”

  “It’s a whip.”

  Chapter 14

  The Master

  YEOP LED DUKE AND ISHIRO’SHEA through a labyrinth of hallways and corridors within the college. There wasn’t any damage outside of the master’s office; the school was immaculately kept, without a spec
k of dust or dirt to be found. The trio descended a spiral staircase, traveling farther into the innards of the school.

  “So, Yeop, you and Ish were pretty good friends back at school?” asked Duke as he made his way cautiously down the poorly-illuminated stairwell.

  “I think so. Or I thought so. I think we were all surprised when he took off like he did. In all honesty, we just assumed we’d hear that he found his parents and he’d return. He was such a good student; we were all jealous of him.”

  “But not the best, huh?” said Duke jokingly. “I mean, he was only Salutatorian.”

  Duke was taken aback when Yeop didn’t laugh.

  “What are you talking about? Salutatorian is the highest honor.”

  “What about Valedictorian? Who won that award?”

  Yeop chuckled.

  “So who was it?” Duke asked impatiently.

  “We are the College of College of Cohorts, Consorts, Co-Conspirators, and Other Assorted Sidekick Types. A sidekick could never have the top billing of Valedictorian. That’s just, well, it’s just silly.”

  Should’ve known that one. Shame on me.

  “Down here, to the right. That’s the master’s secret chamber.”

  “Secret medical chamber?”

  “No, just a regular secret chamber,” replied Yeop.

  “Who’s providing the medical attention?”

  “No one. A few of us are trying to make him comfortable but we’re just staff here, not medical professionals. Master Fukudome said that he that didn’t want to be a burden. If it’s his time, it’s his time; those were his exact words.”

  “You said he was in critical condition, though. According to whose diagnosis?”

  “His. He said he was dying and didn’t want help. I thought that warranted the label of ‘critical.’”

  “Fair enough.”

  “Let me go in first and let him know that you’re here. I don’t want to cause further shock as he’s not expecting any visitors. Especially a visitor like Ishiro’shea.”

  Ishiro’shea bowed appreciatively, and it was Duke’s turn to give a thumbs-up.

  Yeop disappeared into the chamber, closing the door behind him.

  After some time, he re-emerged and signaled for the two to enter.

  The chamber was a simple box with blank walls and a single overhead light. There were some uncomfortable-looking chairs in the corner and a raised table in the center, surrounded by smaller ones. Candles, providing ample light and fragrance, sat atop each of these smaller tables. All except for one. Upon that table was a weathered brass bowl; spilling over the top were clumps of blood-soaked rags. On the central platform lay an elderly Japanese man. He was covered in an ornate silk sheet but the tattered ends of bandages hung even lower than the beautiful blanket.

  Ishiro’shea approached the dying headmaster. The ninja pulled down the part of his mask that covered his mouth. Duke followed, a step behind his companion. He removed his hat.

  The old man slowly turned his head until his eyes fixed on his former pupil.

  “Ah, Ishiro’shea,” he began quietly, “it has been too long.”

  The ninja bowed.

  “I wish it was under better circumstances,” Master Fukudome continued, fighting to speak through coughs, “for you and me both.”

  His stare shifted to Duke. “And who are you?”

  “Duke LaGrange, sir. A friend of Ishiro’shea.”

  The master squinted intensely as if he was trying to look beyond the bounty hunter’s physical being and into his metaphysical interior.

  “Nova Texan, I presume?”

  “Yes, how’d you know?”

  “I’m an old man that’s been in this universe for a long time. I’ve encountered many beings and I’ve learned that Nova Texans have a certain... well, presence.”

  “Thank you,” Duke replied with a slight bow.

  “I didn’t say it was a presence that people appreciated,” the master added with a smirk.

  “You got me, sir,” Duke said with another respectful bow. “Well played. I wish your sense of humor would’ve rubbed off on Ishiro here.”

  The ninja playfully pushed Duke away. Master Fukudome gave a subtle giggle. He then turned back to his former student. “I’m guessing you know more about what happened to me than I do, Ishiro’shea.”

  The ninja nodded.

  “Who was that woman who attacked me? She was asking questions that confused me greatly; she was asking about your parents.”

  “Master Fukudome, sir,” Duke interjected, “the woman was Mazilda Cloax. She’s an old friend of ours.”

  “You need to pick your friends more wisely, it seems.”

  “I don’t disagree with you,” admitted Duke. “Mazilda is a skilled assassin and is working for a man named Lothario LePaco. He’s trying to take over the universe.”

  “There’s always someone,” Master Fukudome said.

  “But, unlike the others, he has an inside track on how to actually do it. He’s discovered a weapon—from another dimension; he has a third of it already—an ancient shield that was on Psitakki. One piece, an orb from a planet called Neprius, is currently under the guard of Queen Joe on Kelt.”

  “I’ve heard of this Queen. Some say she is also from another dimension.”

  “Those people would be right,” said Duke. “She is. She’s our best hope to keeping the Orb safe. But if LePaco and Mazilda get that third piece—a pendant—then the shift of power might be too much to overcome. LePaco could destroy planets and galaxies with the mere flick of his wrist.”

  “Fear isn’t true power, my friends,” said the frail headmaster. “It can only get you so far in the quest for power.”

  “He also has a massive group that doubles as his army and his middle management. Just as we used to terraform uninhabited planets, he’s taking fully-developed civilizations and reforming them into orderly satellite business units, all cogs in the wheel of this new universe.”

  “This is troubling. And I’m guessing this pendant of which you speak is the Heart of Nobunaga.”

  Yeop and the teachers bringing new rags and plumper pillows gasped. Duke and Ishiro’shea both acknowledged the master’s correct assumption with simple shakes of the head.

  “The Heart of Nobunaga disappeared, Master,” cried Yeop. “Many years ago.”

  “It did not disappear, young Yeop. When Ishiro’shea’s parents left the war, they took it with them. Its power would have only led to even more death and destruction.”

  “Can there be more death and destruction than what we have now?” asked Yeop.

  “Today, there is still hope. Hope that the wars will end. If the Heart was to be discovered, that hope—no matter how insignificant it may seem—would be completely extinguished. Our world would cease to be.”

  “So it really is magical? It really did do those things that we’ve heard about in the legend of Takeo?”

  “It did, Yeop. It did. But it wasn’t magic. It was just an unidentified science that we never fully understood. It seems that it was from a different dimension. A dimension, I assume, that has different laws of nature, and of physics, and of existence.”

  Duke leaned over closer to the old man. “Master Fukudome,” he whispered, “please tell me that you know where Ishiro’s parents are. And that they are safe from Mazilda.”

  The dying master closed his eyes. He shifted his head back to its natural resting position.

  “I know where they were, but I’m afraid I don’t know where they are,” he replied softly. “They were safe. The Heart of Nobunaga was safe.”

  Duke exhaled. “That’s good.”

  “And I did not tell this Mazilda anything.”

  “That’s even better,” replied Duke. “Outside of the physical harm that it caused you, of course.”

  “It’s a risk that we take when we are trusted with great secrets, my friends. But, I must tell you, I cannot promise you that they are safe now.”

  “Why is that,
Master?” asked Yeop.

  “The assassin did beat me badly. And the beating escalated as I remained defiant to her interrogation. But she did not kill me. She departed suddenly.”

  “Maybe she heard me coming?” Yeop suggested.

  Mazilda wouldn’t have run from you—even if you do have a really nifty laser lasso, Duke thought.

  “Maybe,” replied the master. “A more logical assessment could be that she, or someone that she was working with, discovered Yumi’s whereabouts. And thus, she knew where Yumi’s husband was. And thus, the Heart.”

  The room said nothing.

  The long silence was eventually broken by a middle-aged Earth woman swinging open the chamber door violently. Her face was white with shock.

  “We’re being invaded, we’re being invaded! They’re in our atmosphere,” she wailed.

  Duke turned to Ishiro’shea. “The Four I’s. You stay here with Master Fukudome, Ish. I’ll go check it out.”

  The sky was indeed filled with a Four I’s fleet. It wasn’t large enough to be an invasion force, especially not for a place as rough and tumble as Earth. For starters, there wasn’t an Armada Titan. Earth would surely require an Armada Titan. Of course, the Four I’s could have made a mistake and sent the bulk of the fleet to a different part of Earth instead of the military epicenter of New Tokyo. But Duke gave them more credit than that.

  I guess the Four I’s are going to try and reform Earth, Duke concluded. Good luck with that.

  A black speck moving towards one of the battle cruisers caught the bounty hunter’s eye. It disappeared behind the larger spacecraft. Moments later, a handful of the ships departed the atmosphere.

  Holy hedgehogs.

  “Ish, we gotta go,” shouted Duke as he rushed into Master Fukudome’s chamber.

  There was no response. No one even looked up at the hysterical Nova Texan. They all remained seated, their heads in their hands, peering at the floor.