How to Save the Universe with a Drunk Space Ninja

by Jay Key

  “Not the Robots, you idiot, those Jungafallowian fan clubs. They ruin it for everyone.”

  “We agree there, Sol.”

  “I didn’t want to sell out to LePaco and those bastards, but it was either that or he was going to take everything. Or kill me. Either way, no bueno.”

  “It’s fine, Sol. I know what type of stuff you’re made of. I’m not shocked.”

  It was clear that the bondsman misinterpreted the bounty hunter’s sentiment; he smiled proudly. “Can we call it even, LaGrange?”

  “Sure. Enjoy the concert. And you too, Wanda.”

  The plump secretary blushed and sunk back behind her boyfriend.

  “But Sol, just don’t go helping any more maniac wannabe overlords anytime soon. Please. I’m begging here.”

  “Fine, LaGrange. Where are you two heading, anyways?”

  “Joe’s. We have to stop LePaco.”

  “You’re a bona fide moron, LaGrange. Ishiro’shea, you okay with this nutjob?”

  The ninja replied with a thumbs-up.

  “You’re both morons then.”

  “Enjoy the concert, Sol,” Duke said.

  Ishiro’shea cut the transmission.

  “That’s the closest we’re ever going to get to an apology from that fat bastard.”

  Chapter 17

  We Are All Blop

  PASSAGE TO, AND SUBSEQUENTLY THROUGH, the Jungafallow IV Warp Station provided a much needed spell from the constant nuisances that had plagued Duke and Ishiro’shea since they had been captured on T’ckuvu Prime. Duke’s biggest lingering uncertainty was whether they would get to Kelt in time to provide any help in repelling Admiral LePaco. The mystery of the relative tranquillity was cleared up as soon as the Deus Ex Machina exited the Keltian Warp Station.

  “Holy hedgehogs,” Duke gasped, “how many ships do you think that is?”

  The ninja’s dexterous digits fluttered over the control panel. Instantaneously, the screen read: Armada Titans – 2. Battle Cruisers – 35. Scout Ships, Attack Class – 117. Jungafallowian Fighter Ships – 6. Tardasian Military Ships – 12. Unidentified Spacecraft with Military Capabilities – 23. Unclassified Craft – 37. Recommended strategy – Computing...

  This oughta be good, thought Duke.

  ...Leave immediately. Don’t even say goodbye to loved ones... Just leave. Now. You have no chance to survive unless you flee.

  Duke sighed. Figures.

  From the formation it was clear that the Four I’s fleet was planning on another concentrated assault on Oldish Kelt and, more specifically, Cyborg Joe’s. A small portion of the armada covered the exit and entry points on the other side of the planet.

  “I’m taking away two things from this situation,” began Duke. “Number one... the Bounty Hunters Union and the crime lord partnership did not survive the sneak attack in the Tardasian System—LePaco doesn’t seem to care one bit about the Queen receiving reinforcements. We just waltzed through the closest public portal and not a single Four I’s ship even raised an eyebrow.”

  Ishiro’shea nodded in agreement.

  “Number two… LePaco has the Key. And this is his big play to get the Orb.” Duke scratched his chin. “Which means I forgot the third takeaway: if he gets it, the universe is done. Can you try and get ahold of Joe? Maybe she knows something that we don’t.”

  Ishiro plugged away, but the view screen only displayed harsh static. The ninja threw his hands up.

  “They’ve jammed comms, too. Great.”

  The bounty hunter plopped himself down in the captain’s chair. He let out a gasp coated in frustration and wrapped in despair.

  “It all ends like this,” he moaned. “It’s all over, huh? We just got beat, outsmarted, outclassed by that weasel. Not to mention that probably our closest friend that we’ve ever had killed the man that raised you, will likely kill your parents, and has helped put an end to the universe as we know it. And here we are, with a front row seat to it all. We can’t do a damn thing. Not a single damn thing. We couldn’t even get through the outer rim of their fleet. There’s no way we could get to Cyborg Joe’s to try and smuggle the Queen and the Orb out. There won’t be a chance to live to fight another day.”

  Silence reigned aboard the Deus for what seemed an eternity. The Four I’s fleet was holding steady; it didn’t appear that a single shot had been fired. The Deus still sat unnoticed—or noticed and ignored.

  Ishiro’shea perked up and maximized a scanner on the forward monitor.

  The portal had been activated.

  “Surely, by now, everyone wanting to avoid seeing a galactic massacre firsthand has been notified to stay away from Keltian space, right?” asked Duke. “So that means our visitor is probably on the ornery side. Let’s get our shields up and weapons ready.”

  The familiar thumbs-up sign was flashed.

  Expelled unceremoniously from the portal was a diminutive space vessel the likes of which Duke had never seen. It was no bigger than one of the Deus’ rear thrusters. It sported no visible markings, had no visible armaments, and, shockingly, didn’t appear to have any means of propulsion. One would think something so minute in scale would possess speed and agility, but it showed no signs of these traits either. The metallic ovoid meandered out of the station and approached the Deus.

  “I know it doesn’t look like much, but be on the ready,” commanded Duke.

  “Hey there, guys.”

  “What was that?” asked the perplexed Nova Texan.

  “Hey there, guys,” the voice moaned again.

  “Who’s talking?” Duke shouted up at the ceiling. “How are you doing this? Who are you?”

  He looked at Ishiro’shea, who appeared equally dumbfounded. The ninja’s hands were raised but the control panel continued to beep and blink and buzz.

  “Oh sorry, wait a second, my apologies,” bellowed the mysterious melancholy intruder.

  Suddenly, on the forward view screen appeared Blop, a Blop from Blop.

  “What... how... why...” stammered Duke.

  “Hello there, Duke LaGrange of Nova Texas and Ishiro’shea of Earth,” greeted Blop, rather formally.

  “You died. Back on Psitakki. How are you—”

  The Blop cut him off. “Yes, I did die. Well, one of us died.”

  Duke just shook his head in disbelief, his mouth hanging open.

  “Blop, a Blop from Blop, died on Psitakki,” the formless, chewed-bubblegum-esque Blop continued, “and I’m Blop, a Blop from Blop.”

  “Yeah, you might need to rewind a bit.”

  “We are all Blop, a Blop from Blop. We all share a single existence. All of us. We are all Blop.”

  “A Blop from Blop?” added Duke.

  “Yes, you got it.”

  “I don’t have it,” Duke whispered to Ishiro’shea.

  “We all share an existence, a being...”

  “A hive mind?” asked Duke.

  “Something like that. I know what you did back on Psitakki for Blop. That was very kind of you. We don’t see a lot of kindness in our collective travels.”

  “It was nothing,” replied Duke, blushing slightly. “But why are you here? I know the Tournament of the Colossal Calamari is tough stuff, but this is on another level. There are two hundred heavily-armed spacecraft out there.”

  “I know, and that’s why I came. We can’t let this LePaco get the Orb.”

  “How do you know—”

  “We Blops know a great deal about this dimension, other dimensions, and so on. There are a near-infinite number of Blops, and an infinite number of Blop thoughts. But we happen to like this universe and don’t want to see it destroyed. We think that you can help prevent it.”

  “And how exactly is that, if you don’t mind me asking?”

  “You will have to figure that out. But I can get you to the planet’s surface and to the Orb. From there, it’s up to you—but you must stop this evil.”

  Duke had no response. He just stared at the dark, spherical eyes that
poked out of the fleshy, fatty, misshapen head of the Blop. It tried to smile.

  “Just follow me,” the Blop said in a tone that made it impossible for Duke to consider doing anything other than obey the command. “In a few moments, you’ll be back with the Orb.”

  “I trust you,” said Duke. “I don’t know why, but I do.”

  “Thank you. Your trust means a great deal to us.”

  “But I do have one question before we embark on whatever we’re about to embark on.”

  “Go ahead.”

  “How did you know that we were here and in trouble? Was there another Blop around here, maybe on board one of these Four I’s ships? Maybe on Kelt with a really powerful telescope?”

  The Blop simulated a human laugh.

  “No, Duke LaGrange of Nova Texas. The Deus told me.”

  “Come again?”

  “Your ship got in touch with me. All of the Blops.”

  “How’d it do that? I didn’t press any giant red button this time. Did you, Ish?”

  “Of course you didn’t,” answered Blop. “You should really ask your ship.”

  Blop tried to smile again and, this time, accompanied the action with a slowly developing wink. Duke got what he was going for. Then the transmission ended.

  The nondescript, seemingly harmless silver ovoid slipped out in front of the Deus Ex Machina. It began to glow. At first, it was a muted yellow. Then a radiant orange. Then it exploded into a sphere of white light, quadruple the size of the ship itself.

  In an instant, the fiery ball of Blop tunneled through the heart of the Four I’s armada. All vessels in its path were disintegrated. It burrowed through the hull of one of the Armada Titans, setting off a chain reaction of explosions that took down an entire flotilla of scouts, fighters, and battle cruisers.

  “I guess we follow that,” Duke said to Ishiro’shea.

  Chapter 18

  Everywhere's a Death Trap

  “I WOULD SAY IT’S GOOD to be back but, under these circumstances, well, ya’ know, it really isn’t.”

  “Good to see you too, Duke,” replied Queen Joe. “We’ve missed you and Ishiro. As you can see, we’ve needed every able body and free pair of hands that we can muster.”

  It wasn’t a shock to Duke that Cyborg Joe’s hadn’t been restored to its usual ambience following the Battle of Oldish Kelt, but it was surprising that after its tenure as a makeshift hospital it had become what appeared to be a war room. There was no mistaking it: Queen Joe was preparing for war.

  “Speaking of these able bodies and free hands,” began Duke, “you really need to call them off. Send them home. We’ve come here to help you escape—you and the Orb.”

  The Queen flashed her perfectly aligned teeth in a wry smile, as if she had been expecting the bounty hunter’s plea. “No, Duke. I’m not leaving here. I’m going to fight LePaco and his forces. Here. No running.”

  Her tone wasn’t particularly defiant or harsh. But Joe wasn’t nonchalant either. Her statement was a simple, non-negotiable absolute. She was going to stay and fight.

  “You can’t.”

  “I can’t?” she shot back.

  “No, you can. But there’s no hope if you do. You’re essentially giving LePaco the keys to the universe. We can’t hold off an armada of that size.”

  “I see you helped us out with that.”

  “What?”

  “Reports are that you took out an Armada Titan and some of its supporting cast en route to see us.”

  “You think we did that? I wish. I’d feel better about our prospects if we were capable of something like that.”

  “I see,” replied the Queen coyly. “Then tell our ally ‘thanks.’”

  “I can’t. He’s dead. He died so that we could get here and take you away. So we could live to fight another day.”

  “Blop said that, did he?”

  “No, not in those exact... Wait, what? How’d you know about Blop?”

  “It’s not important. But if I know Blop, I’d suspect that he didn’t want you to steal me away; he would—or rather, they would—want us to stand up against this evil. Head-on.”

  “We can’t, Queen. Please see reason,” begged the Nova Texan. “Please.”

  “Do you not believe in us? I have certain powers that can be helpful in an attack.”

  “I’ve seen the lightning and fire and… whatever that stuff was. I’ve also seen this planet almost get destroyed by a force that was only a fraction of the size of what’s up there now, and without an insane lunatic holding both the Shield and the Key. The odds aren’t in our favor.”

  “We also have the Orb. I’d wager that I can harness the Orb on a much higher plane than the admiral can wield his two artifacts.”

  “I guess, Queen,” Duke said with a sigh. “I’ll have to take your word on that.”

  “We also have a very tough and respectable ground force.”

  “A few bar patrons and some homeless Keltian refugees does not an army make,” countered Duke.

  “No, Duke—we have thousands of Keltians. I’ve positioned them in bunkers below the bar and around this area. The Four I’s have a clear advantage in the air, but we know they want one thing—the Orb—and they’ll have to come here to get it. Plus, I have Po’l and Lilly getting them into shape and trained up, and leading the ground strategy.”

  “They are going to die, Queen.”

  Duke felt a powerful hand on his shoulder. The Queen’s attention shifted to the being standing behind him. She smiled.

  “I’m sorry to interrupt,” said a familiar voice. “But I was told that you might need some help.”

  The bounty hunter turned around and, without thinking, hugged the hairy behemoth. Ishiro’shea joined the embrace.

  “Yvonne! So glad to see you,” said Duke. “Queen, this is the Furry Mountain of Moon Colony #1. I’ve seen her knock out a Mega-Troll without breaking a sweat.”

  “I’m aware of Miss Angerdlarnek’s fighting prowess. It’s very nice to meet you, Yvonne. Welcome to Joe’s and, to answer your question, we can use all the help we can get. As you can see, we are currently losing the numbers game.”

  “It was only a few days after Lilly contacted me that the Four I’s entered our neighbor system,” said Yvonne.

  “I’m sorry, Yvonne,” replied the Queen.

  “Don’t be. We’re a pretty tough race. But instead of engaging them head-on, we decided to rally our troops and head here. We want to cut off the head of the snake.”

  “Yvonne, no,” began Duke. “Send your people back. This is a death trap.”

  “Duke, everywhere’s a death trap right now. And it’ll continue to be until LePaco is dead,” replied Yvonne. She returned her attention to Queen Joe. “We have about twenty-five heavy fighters and a few scouts. We also have two transports loaded with ten thousand of the roughest, toughest Gartoshian soldiers that you’ve ever seen. We landed on the other side of the planet and await your direction.”

  “How’d you get past the blockade?” asked Joe.

  “Easy. When you’ve been through as many wars as we have on Gartosh, you pick up a few tricks. We sent some scouts through the main Keltian Warp Station. The Four I’s paid us no attention.”

  “They did the same to us,” added Duke.

  “They paid us no attention because we were in their ships,” continued Yvonne. “We borrowed some that happened to be conducting pre-integration analyses on Gartosh and its many moons.”

  “Excellent.”

  “Each one carried the components for an extremely crude private warp portal. It had just enough juice to get our entire fleet to the planet. So we are here and ready to help.”

  “I can’t thank you and your leaders enough,” said Joe. “In fact, let’s open up communication now. I’d love to get their ideas.” She motioned for the anthropomorphic musk ox to follow her into the back area of the bar.

  “Earl,” shouted the Queen over her shoulder, “tell Lilly to come meet us up here.
Po’l can handle the training.”

  The Glyptodian barkeep nodded.

  Yvonne grabbed hold of both Duke’s and Ishiro’shea’s shoulders. “I’m so glad that we got to see each other again. And I’m glad it’s not on that awful Psitakki,” she chuckled.

  “Yvonne,” Duke began, “this is suicide.”

  “No, doing nothing is suicide. We are here to fight. We know we’re going to lose some of the bravest Gartoshians in a generation... but we also hope that they save us from losing future generations. This universe cannot have a supreme ruler of any ilk, especially not somebody like LePaco.”

  She didn’t allow a response as she squeezed both bounty hunters tightly.

  “I hope to see you again, when this is over.”

  The underground training bunker below Cyborg Joe’s was far larger than Duke could have imagined. In his head, the bounty hunter had pictured a converted wine cellar or beer basement, with Po’l screaming at scrawny Keltians about how to swing a broadsword. In reality, the bunker was more of a compound that stretched the length of a fleet of spacecraft. And the Queen did not exaggerate: thousands upon thousands of beings—mostly but not exclusively Keltian—filled the cavernous structure.

  “How are we even going to find him?” Duke asked Ishiro’shea. “Seems to be a lot of training by different trainers going on.”

  An aged Psitakki conducted hand-to-hand combat drills with some wide-eyed Keltian teens. Beyond this, a group of magenta-skinned Hilterian soldiers were providing a crash course on laser rifle marksmanship. Hilterian snipers were known as the most prolific in the universe, putting even Duke’s renowned sharpshooting abilities to shame. In the far corner, a Sabromm was projecting images of Four I’s and Tardasian ships, pointing out their perceived weaknesses. The Sabromm followed this with rotating holographic images of Four I’s soldiers, demonstrating how they might engage in combat. The Keltians attending the seminar all nodded in unison.

  Duke and Ishiro’shea made their way past drills, talks, and exercises to an annex carved into the back wall of the compound. At a wooden circular table stood Po’l, flanked by a Keltian male and female, two athletically-built Psitakki warriors, a female Hilterian, and a Goother Rat. Duke recognized the Goother Rat: it was Gha.